Pleasure Mechanics

Do you ever wish you could read the private diary of your next door neighbor? Or hear about the sex life of that cute server at the local diner? Ever wondered what it is like to be a military wife? 

Our sex lives are private by definition, but there are many benefits to learning about the authentic sex lives of others. Hollywood romance pales in comparison to the passion, complexity and diversity of our everyday private lives. 

That's why we participated in The Sex Diaries Project, a fabulous collection of 7 day sex diaries from men and women all across the United States. Arianne Cohen has been collecting sex diaries for five years, and has read over 1500 diaries, and this book features the most entertaining and inspiring diaries along with Arianne's wise editorial perspectives. 

We are usually pretty private about our personal lives here at The Pleasure Mechanics, choosing to focus instead on creating videos and ebooks that teach the skills of pleasure. The Sex Diaries Project is a rare opportunity to read about our personal lives, as you read through our 7 day diary featured in the book. Arianne named the entry "The Sensual Lesbian Sex Educator" and, accurately enough, the edited diary celebrates the daily touch, erotic playfulness and integrated work-life balance of the Pleasure Mechanics headquarters. 

We highly recommend you check out the book, or log onto Arianne's site where you can keep a diary or read about other people's most intimate diary entries. While you read, pay attention to what turns you on, what scares you, what you have judgement about. Your reactions to these diaries will reveal so much about your desires, goals and boundaries. 

Here is an excerpt from our interview with Arianne about her experience collecting 1500 sex diaries. Click here for the full Sex Diaries Project interview. You can read about Christine's experience as "The Lesbian Sex Educator" here. Our video interview with Arianne can be found below, or on the Pleasure Mechanics YouTube Channel.

Pleasure Mechanics: You say the unhappiest of all your diarists are those who don't know what they want. Can you tell us how you noticed this pattern in the diaries? What does that mean about the importance of desire?

Arianne Cohen: I noticed it because it was a little counterintuitive, and kept popping up: The happiest diarists were not the ones for whom everything was going well. The happiest are the ones who (1) know, generally speaking, what they want, and (2) feel that they're on a path toward getting it. So perhaps it's a single woman who has just moved to a new town, and she's signed herself up for a whole bunch of activities. She's on the right path. Or perhaps it's a person in an unhappy marriage who has committed to 6 months of couples therapy. It's the diarists who aren't sure what they want who tend to be unhappy and generally angsty, and also to blame their partners for their lack of happiness.

Pleasure is often thought about as being selfish, greedy, or hedonistic. We believe in making Pleasure a Priority. Pleasure does not just happen to us - we must actively choose to cultivate pleasure in our individual lives and in our relationships. 

Pleasure is healthy, makes us feel happier, more alive, and gives us energy to fuel our days. We believe that being fulfilled with pleasure makes us better partners, parents, friends and coworkers. 

And, we believe Pleasure can SAVE your life. Literally. 

Here are 10 reasons why:

#10 - The autonomic nervous system controls the heart, the smooth muscles around your organs, and your glands. There are two modes - Sympathetic and Parasympathetic - Stress and Pleasure. Many adults stay stuck in the stress mode, which has devastating impact on your health. Experiencing pleasure counteracts the impact of stress and gives your body the chance to heal. 

#9 - Pleasure is essential for your heart health. Pleasure activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which calms the heart rate, lowers blood pressure and stimulates production of healthy hormones that are highly beneficial to heart health.  

#8 - Every experience of pleasure activates your immune system, providing a measurable and enduring boost to your body's natural defenses. A single moment of pleasure can boost your immune response for up to 6 hours. 

#7 - Pleasurable touch alleviates depression. If you are feeling depressed, and are touched or cuddled, your blood chemistry can change in as little as one millionth of a second - the brain instantly responds to pleasurable touch with a flood of endorphins. Studies have shown that many chronically depressed people are also touch starved. 

#6 - Experiencing pleasure makes you feel loved. Feeling loved and emotionally secure is essential for the overall health of mammals. Study after study shows that emotional bonds and physical contact allow mammals to thrive. Studies with infants have shown that touch and love are biological needs on par with food and water. 

#5 - The first five ways pleasure can save your life are all about the physical health benefits of pleasure. These health benefits should not be underestimated - more and more medical studies are confirming that pleasure, relaxation and love may be the best cure for what ails us. But we all know that quality of life is measured by much more than physical health. Pleasure is what makes our lives worth living. 

#4 - Many long-term relationships and marriages end because of a lack of pleasure. Most love relationships prioritize shared pleasure in the beginning, but over the years, stress, responsibilities and duties tend to eclipse pleasure. By creating a culture of pleasure in relationships, and making it a priority to share pleasure in all forms, long term relationships can thrive.

#3 - We believe that being in tune with your authentic desires and pleasure leads to a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction with your life. Unfulfilled desires leads to resent and regret - the toxic twins that can make you feel like you wasted time, or lived a life of someone else's making. 

#2 - We all have a unique constellation of pleasures. Our pleasures and desires are part of what makes us who we are, and we often establish our communities around shared pleasures. Paying attention to what gives you pleasure will allow you to know yourself, and build more meaningful relationships and communities. 

#1 - What are you truly passionate about? What kind of pleasure lights you up, make you feel completely alive?  By locating  peak moments of pleasure from our past and paying attention to new passions as they emerge, we can choose to live a more passionate life. 

Making pleasure a priority can bring your body back into balance, counteracting the deadly effects of stress, and may literally save your life. And, pleasure will make you happier and more fulfilled - so you can be sure that the life you save is worth living. 

We hope you had a very happy and loving holiday season.

Now that all the gifts are unwrapped, the ribbons in tatters and the stockings unstuffed, what is it that you are still craving? What gift do you crave that no store can sell, no box can contain?

Is it more love? more affection? more time to enjoy with your lover?
Is it a new kind of touch or sexual play?
Prostate massage? Or foot massage?

Each of us crave a unique constellation of pleasures - and we can only be satisfied, only be fulfilled when we discover our desires and ask for what we want.

So now that the holidays have passed, ask yourself - what more do you want? Commit to asking for and receiving what you need to feel pleasured, loved and fulfilled. Pleasure, in any form, is the ultimate gift we can give and receive.

How do you touch yourself? 
Do you treat yourself the way you treat your lover? 
Do you bring the same kind of enthusiasm and exploration to your self-touch as you do to touching your partner? 

Most of us do not. Masturbation is often a utilitarian act, a release valve for excess sexual pressure. Most of us masturbate in the same way every time, repeating the same strokes and playing out the same fantasies that bring us to climax quickly and reliably. This can be useful - again, knowing how to get off is not a bad thing - but masturbation can also serve as a powerful laboratory to try new things and learn more about your body, arousal patterns and erotic potential. 

As you learn what kinds of touch your body responds to, or what fantasies really turn you on, you can bring this knowledge to your partnered sex life and have more variety to play with, more self-knowledge to guide your partner. 

Most of us love a confident, self-aware lover who can give us guidance towards pleasuring and satisfying them. So why not also cultivate this self-awareness in ourselves, so we can be the kind of lover we want to have? 

Doctors and sex therapists agree - stress is the number one threat to your sex drive and intimate relationship. Stress damages your health, puts you in a bad mood, and kills your sex drive. Your body physically can not get aroused if you are stressed out!

Massage is one of the best ways to relax, unwind and get rid of stress. If, like most people. you find stress is getting in the way of your sex life, we recommend several 5-10 minute massages a week for maximum stress reduction.

By spending this time with your partner, exchanging massage and relaxing together, you may find that not only are you less stressed out, but you may also be more turned on. Many couples find that by sharing quality touch, they are more likely to be in the mood for sex, and the sex they have becomes way more exciting. This combination of massage and sex is a surefire way to counteract the damage of stress and live a more healthy, relaxed and pleasurable life.

The idea of a sex coach often calls up jokes of clipboards, whistles and shouting from the sidelines. Just imagine having a world class coach standing by your bed as you make love, rooting you on and run with the image. 

While I believe we sex coaches do have a lot in common with athletic trainers, there are usually no whistles involved. A typical sex coaching session involves providing solid information, motivating guidance and answering questions about whatever sexual goal the coach and "sexual athlete" are working on together. Then, we provide experiential practices to build the skills and confidence needed to reach that goal.

Want to run a faster mile? A running coach knows how to get you to that goal. You do the work, the coach provides the framework for your training and success.

Want to transform your sex life? Stay hard longer? Feel more pleasure? Experience multiple orgasms? Overcome a dry spell? Imagine having an expert coach to guide you towards those goals. Like every good coach, a sex coach is on your team, and works with you to personalize the training you need to meet your goals and experience what you long for. 

Our video guides allow us to reach men and women all around the world - 54 countries and counting! After completing our erotic touch technique series and our couples massage video series, we continue to be committed to bringing you new resources for a more pleasurable life. Our coaching practice is intentionally small, so we can have the time to work on videos and the rest of the behind the scenes work we do as a two-woman team to share our commitment to pleasurable touch. 

We will be "graduating" a few sex coaching clients this month, so continue to be in touch if you are interested in investing in one-on-one sex coaching with The Pleasure Mechanics. Meanwhile, stay tuned and be sure to join our newsletter (to the right there!) to be the first to hear about our new video series, coming soon! 

Cheers,

Christine

Hi Pleasure Mechanics,
My boyfriend recently downloaded your Prostate Massage video and asked me to try it out with him. I'm a little freaked out but also kind of excited by the idea - he seemed really turned on by it. Do other women like doing this? Is this a normal thing for straight people to do? I guess I just never expected my jock guy to be into this kind of thing!
Thanks,
Sarah

Hey Sarah,

Fabulous that you are willing to consider offering this pleasure to your man. We assure you, it is a totally normal thing for a straight guy to be into - our Guide to Prostate Massage is a bestseller around the world for a reason! Men are discovering that this can be a highly pleasurable addition to their sex lives, and a lot of women are quite enjoying it as well! 

Learning more about the anatomy may help you get used to the idea. For example, did you know that up to 2/3rds of a man's penis is situated internally, and can be stimulated through anal penetration? The anus (on both men and women) is one of the most sensitive parts of the human body, and is linked up to the same pleasure receptors as the genitals. Anal pleasure is a totally normal, totally natural experience for men and women of all sexual orientations. When you combine prostate massage with handjob techniques, you can literally stimulate all parts of the male sexual system at once - an experience all men should experience at least once in their lifetime!

Prostate massage is a very pleasurable practice for most men, and there is growing evidence that it also helps maintain prostate health. So go for it! Our guide will help you take it slowly and make it a completely pleasurable experience for both of you.

I would also encourage you to feel into the pleasure of being the Giver, the Penetrator. Many women find this incredibly sexy,empowering, exciting. . . Let us know how you find it!

For other women who have given anal stimulation or prostate massage to their boyfriends, husbands and lovers - how did it make YOU feel?

Wishing you lots of pleasure,
Christine

Many of us learn about pleasure early in childhood. When we are taught not to touch our "private parts" or to "sit still and listen" we are educated out of our physical instincts towards pleasure. Children are taught to keep their clothing on, to avoid touching their genitals, to keep their voice down.  

Some of these messages are necessary to teach children public/private boundaries and create a safe environment for all children. Sometimes, however, these messages go beyond safety and respectful boundaries and we are taught that parts of our body are "dirty," "nasty," or "naughty." 

Some children are severely punished if caught masturbating, even in the privacy of their own room. Others are disciplined if discovered in any sort of sexual play with other kids. Adult shame and guilt gets passed on to children, and the panic about child sexual abuse has added new furor to this chorus of messages to children: that sex is not safe, not good, and to be avoided. And yet, sexual imagery and messages are all around us, and this paradox can create damaging confusion for children growing up in a sexually confused culture.

In many (but not all) religious traditions, bodily pleasure has been villianized as a hedonistic pursuit or sinful act. Many Christian, Jewish and Muslim communities only condone sexual pleasure within heterosexual marriage. Once married, pleasure becomes an important way to connect and bond spouses. There are many religious leaders that believe that sexual pleasure is an essential glue for married partners, creating long-lasting and healthy relationships.

There is even a Jewish commandment for marital pleasure. The law of onah requires a husband to gratify his wife, separate from the commandment to procreate. Female desire is thought to be stronger (if less overt) than a man's, and it is the husband's duty to satisfy his wife to ensure a harmonious family and home life.   Another Jewish law, niddah prohibit intercourse during menstruation and for 12-14 days following, effectively prohibiting intercourse for half of every month. Modern Rabbis such as Shmuley belive that this is a positive force for desire within a marriage- it keeps tension and desire strong in marriages. 

This is a sharp contrast to most secular beliefs on marital sex, of constant availability and sex as at least a weekly activity. In fact, recent studies indicate that up to one-third of all American marriages are completely sexless. As a culture, we must look at these numbers and wonder what has gone wrong when even those partners committed for life can not create the time and passion for sexual satisfaction. 

If you were raised with a strong religious education, and find that guilt or shame are major barriers to your erotic enjoyment, you may want to seek counsel with your religious leadership. Many people find when they ask their religious leaders about sexuality, they find a much more open and clear dialogue is available to them. Some religious leaders even encourage physical pleasure, at least amongst married partners and within specific boundaries.  

There are resources available to people of all faiths to assist them in reconciling their physical feelings and religious concerns. Each religion has specific edicts about what is and is not permissible - and we can not tell you to betray your faith. We encourage you to seek out resources within your faith, both from leadership and community members. 

We believe that the morality of any act is better measured by the intention and emotions rather than the act itself - that physical pleasure, when shared between fully consenting individuals, can be a spiritual experience and bring us closer to ourselves and one another. 

We believe pleasure to be a human birthright, that can strengthen relationships and families. When people receive more quality touch, they are happier and more fulfilled, and more able to be devoted partners, parents, co-workers and community members. It is when we deny one another physical pleasure that our tension and frustration lead to acts of coercion, violation or betrayal. 

We believe pleasure is for everyone- no matter what your spiritual or religious faith. We intentionally have left language of God or the divine out of our material, so that you can map these practices onto your life in whatever way makes sense for you. 

It is our highest wish that our videos and writings assist you in discovering more pleasure in your life. May we all work together to create a culture that supports healthy, consensual, pleasurable sexual fulfillment for all humans. 

We are in uniform and ready to head down to Raleigh, North Carolina where we'll be presenting at Raleigh SparkCon, a four day collaborative showcase of creativity. 

I'll post the video of the presentation as soon as we can, but in the mean time, please enjoy this four day giveaway, especially for the good citizens of North Carolina (but available to all!)

One free video guide. 
Use code "SPARKCON" on the second page of checkout. 
Good through Sunday, September 18th. 

Learning massage together will be a crash course in both verbal and non-verbal communication. Most relationship experts say that communication is the lifeblood of a healthy relationship. Massage is a beautiful way to use both language and body to communicate what you are feeling, what you need, and where your boundaries are. 

In the first stages of learning massage, you will learn to verbally communicate what works and what doesn't - being able to say "That feels great, but it would feel even better with a little more pressure" will make the difference between a good massage and a great massage. Likewise, when you are giving massage, it is essential to begin asking questions like "Will you tell me when this feels just right?" or "Would you like a little more massage on your back before I move on?" 

Asking these practical questions begins the conversation about physical desires. The translation to the bedroom can be seamless - you can learn to ask questions such as "Would more pressure on your clitoris feel better?" or "Would you mind touching my thighs more? I especially love light touch on the inside of my thighs"

This communication doesn't have to happen during massage or during sex - often these conversations are more useful out of the bedroom. After every massage, you can ask "What were your favorite parts? What could have made it even better?" Communicating about your preferences and desires is not clinical or cold - it is a high expression of love and concern, showing you care enough about your partner to strive for ever more pleasurable touch. 
 
We communicate not just with our words, but with our bodies, sounds, touch, gestures. How close you sit on the couch together is a strong communication. Sharing massage and touch is like learning a new language together - it doubles your ability to speak to one another. A simple loving touch can communicate caring, support and compassion. Bringing more attention to your hands and bodies will make clear the areas that you succesfully communicate your love and other areas where you may need to evaluate what you are saying to one another with your physical actions.