Pleasure Mechanics

Have you ever had an organic orgasm?

Pamela Madsen, author of the upcoming memoir Shameless, fertility advocate and fearless sex educator, recently blogged about what she named "Organic Orgasms."  She defines "Organic Orgasm" as the climax after a slow build of arousal, the journey of paying attention to sensations in the body, and the pressure-free environment of making love without performance anxiety.

Pamela is right - Organic Orgasms are the ones that nourish us. Quickie orgasms can be great - sometimes they are just what you need to release stress and enjoy a surge of pleasure. Then there is  "slow sex" - the long build up of desire, being seduced by your lover, the opportunity to feel full body touch and the crescendo of arousal, followed by the sweet release of pleasure and, perhaps, a powerful climax that rocks you to the core. Looking back on your sex life, which orgasms do you remember? Quickies or Slow Build?

We are big fans of full body eroticism. We don't teach the techniques of male and female arousal and orgasm to put more pressure on lovers to have bigger, stronger, wetter, hotter orgasms. We teach the techniques of arousal and pleasure so lovers can have the confidence and skill to touch one another without stress or performance anxiety. When you can relax into sex, giving and receiving pleasure, savoring each touch and awakening all parts of your sexual system, sexual pleasure expands to fill every cell of your body. Our eroticism is native to our bodies - our sexual pleasure is part of who we are. Our sexual technique videos are designed to remind you to slow down, touch with love and presence, and pay attention to your own and your lover's pleasure. The stronger orgasms will come, the full-body sensations will emerge, only if we take the time to learn what it is we are each capable of.

To enjoy orgasms - powerful, authentic, Organic Orgasms, Pamela Madsen encourages you to pay attention to the journey of pleasure inherent in every sexual encounter, every experience of making love. We wholeheartedly agree - and offer you guidance on enjoying that journey even more by becoming the skilled, confident lover you were born to be.

For sexual satisfaction and fulfillment, the clitoris is the most important square inch of flesh on the female body. Of course, paying attention to the full body is important - and learning how to touch and pleasure every part of your lover's body is an essential skill in becoming a better lover. But when it comes to female arousal and orgasm, the clitoris is the key.

The clitoris has about 8,000 nerve endings - the densest concentration of nerve endings anywhere on the male or female body. The external structure of the clitoris is the most sensitive, but the clitoral body extends deep into the body, and can be stimulated internally.

For the vast majority of women, clitoral stimulation is essential for becoming highly aroused and reaching orgasm. Some women love the addition of penetration or anal play (or both!) - but almost all women need their clitoris to be a key component in sexual stimulation. To become a more confident lover and gain mastery over the female orgasm, clitoral stimulation techniques are top priority.

But don't get stuck with just one clitoral stimulation method - just because it worked on your last lover doesn't mean every woman will respond! It is far better to be confident with many different ways of stimulating the clitoris, so you can mix it up, surprise your lover with new sensations and stimulate more nerve endings for maximum pleasure.  Learning a wide range of clitoral stimulation techniques will allow you to pleasure every woman, every time.  

Women need a range of stimulation to stay satisfied - which is why our video guide on female pleasure guides you in learning a huge range of clitoral stimulation methods - from gentle warm-ups to highly arousing strokes, from one finger techniques to an exclusive internal-external stimulation technique that touches all parts of the clitoris simultaneously. We know that clitoral pleasure is essential for female sexual fulfillment - so our guide makes the clitoris a priority, in addition to showing ways of pleasuring the entire external vulva as well as internal stimulation techniques.

Let us show you how to master clitoral stimulation techniques and much more. Gain the skills and confidence you need to surprise your lover with a wide range of sensations and powerful orgasms.

Is there an imaginary scoreboard above your bed? Many couples act as if they need to stay "even" when it comes to giving and receiving pleasure. Yet, reciprocity is not a one-for-one exchange. It is important to make sure both of your needs and desires are being acknowledged, but you may also find that there is a natural balance within your relationship, or phases of your relationship, that are not "equal." Balance does not have to be symmetrical.

What is essential is to check in with yourself and one another and make sure you are not developing any resentment about how much pleasure one person is receiving and how much stimulation the other is giving. If you are both satisfied and fulfilled by your sex life, that is indeed an accomplishment of a harmonious balance.

Sexologists and sex educators often draw the cycle of an orgasm as a line chart - making sexual pleasure look more like a financial report than an erotic experience. While arousal and sensations are by no means a linear path - these charts can be useful to draw your attention to the patterns of your arousal. 

Conventional wisdom says that women need a longer warm-up stage, a smooth and gradual uphill climb towards arousal and orgasm. Once they have peaked, women might have several orgasms, the top of their chart looking like a mountain range. Then, a nice downhill descent towards afterglow.

Men, it is commonly believed, have a sharp uphill climb.  Men can be turned on by just about anything, climb quickly towards one dramatic climactic peak and then a sharp fall downhill towards a soft penis and sleep.

We've all seen these charts (and if not, they are here for your perusal) and perhaps experienced a similar arousal pattern. But most men and most women have had orgasmic experiences that are way off the charts.

If your arousal and orgasm were a terrain of peaks and valleys - and if you were able to chart your actual arousal, what would that chart look like? Would it be the same time after time, or dramatically different each time?

If you could chart your most pleasurable orgasm, what would that look like? Do you want to experience more intense orgasms, multiple orgasms, or full body orgasms?

What do your lover's orgasms look like?

After last night's midnight showing of Sex and The City 2, it is clear that you probably won't go see SATC for the sex advice. Go for the reunion with Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte. Go for the fashion and extravagance. Just seeing Liza Minnelli perform "Single Ladies" is well worth the price of a ticket.

But in between the shots of high heels and couture, the Sex and the City ladies offer us an abundance of sex  and relationship advice, targeted squarely at those in long term relationships and struggling to keep the "sparkle" of excitement alive.

As sex educators, here are the top 7 lessons we noticed in the film:

1. Take Time Alone 
How much time do you take to nourish your own needs and desires? Whether you are a busy mom, overworked at your job, or both, taking time to be alone and replenish yourself is essential to a happy relationship and fabulous sex life. No matter how many demands there are on your time, taking a few moments each day to nourish your own needs will go a long way towards giving you more energy to share with your partner, kids and friends. Most of us don't have a second home to escape to like Carrie - we need to create that oasis within our own busy lives. What would you do with ten minutes a day, just focusing on your own needs and desires?

2. Capture the Sparkle
As their relationship matures, Carrie misses the "sparkle" of the romance, excitement and glamour of their early life together. When she sees this sparkle return to her lover while he is talking to another woman, her upset is more than jealousy - it is craving. She wants to be wooed again. The longer a relationship endures, the more effort we need to invest in capturing the sparkle of the initial lust and romance. The best way to do this is returning to the source - remember the first days, weeks and months of your relationship. What did you do to capture one another's attention? How did you seduce one another? It worked the first time, it might work again. Replay some of the moments every now and then - do the activities you did on your first dates, go to your favorite places you've been together, remember what it felt like as you were falling in love. Just like Big pulling up in his limo, ready to whisk Carrie off into the New York night, create the opportunity to remind one another of how you fell in love in the first place.

3. Pay Attention
Carrie Bradshaw unzips her gown to reveal sexy lingerie and lots of bare skin. The movie audience notices - but her lover doesn't pay any attention. He has seen her body before. He is more interested in what is on TV. This is the fatal flaw in many long term relationships: we stop paying attention. We take one another for granted. When your lover undresses, do you notice? When they make an effort to look nice, are you paying attention? What is more worthy of your attention - your lover or your television screen?

4. At Your Service
Arriving for their all expenses paid trip in the (once) glamourous city of Abu Dhabi, each of the ladies is presented with their very own butler. The excitement in their faces is palpable as they respond to the concept of a young, attractive, gracious man who is completely at their service. The film doesn't linger too long on this relationship, but as Carrie's butler warms milk for her on a sleepless night, we have to wonder- who is taking care of us? Service is a luxury, usually thought of as the extravagant indulgence of the very rich. But we can all have the experience of being taken care of, of having someone "at your service" if we bring this into our love relationships. Bring your lover a cup of coffee. Notice if she is getting cold and bring a sweater or blanket. Anticipate their needs. Small acts of service translate to big feelings of love and desire.

5. Jealousy: Use it or Lose It!
Jealousy is a natural response, and is to be expected in any long term relationship. It is one thing to be jealous when there is due cause. If your partner is beginning to stray, jealousy might be the first warning sign that a major intervention is called for. But if you are like Charlotte, getting jealous when she sees Harry noticing another (younger) woman's breasts, you either have to use it or lose it. Lose it - let it go if your jealousy is over something trivial and is not actually a warning sign of your relationship being threatened. Or, better yet - Use it! Notice your lover's desire and respond. Charlotte could have tempted Harry with her own breasts, bringing his gaze back to his own body. Transform your jealousy into desire and seduction - allow that emotion to fuel your passion.

6. Forbidden Pleasures
In the sexually conservative landscape of Abu Dhabi, Samantha discovers a new sexual challenge: sublimating her sexual desire and tendancy to show off her body. As she tries to reign in her sexual displays, she meets a handsome stranger who shares her lusty personality. He describes his added arousal of being in the sexually conservative Middle East - by taming his desires they only grow. No matter where you live, there are places where sexual desire is less welcome than others - and you can use these "forbidden pleasures" to your advantage. If you notice desire in a "forbidden" place, allow the taboo to turn you on.

7. Design Your Own Relationship
The movie opens with a lavish gay wedding, as unlikely lovers Stanford and Anthony tie the knot. As Anthony reveals their "rules for marriage" the ladies talk about what it means to be married. Leave it to the gays to remind us what we knew all along - every marriage is a unique agreement, and every relationship has its own character. Designing your own relationship happens whether or not you do so consciously. So take the time, and together with your lover to create the guidelines that support your relationship. What are your hard and fast boundaries? What do your vows mean to you? If a marriage is a contract, surely it is worthwhile to remind yourself of why you got married, what it means to you, and what kind of marriage you want to have together.