PleasureMechanics.com

Is there an imaginary scoreboard above your bed? Many couples act as if they need to stay "even" when it comes to giving and receiving pleasure. Yet, reciprocity is not a one-for-one exchange. It is important to make sure both of your needs and desires are being acknowledged, but you may also find that there is a natural balance within your relationship, or phases of your relationship, that are not "equal." Balance does not have to be symmetrical.

What is essential is to check in with yourself and one another and make sure you are not developing any resentment about how much pleasure one person is receiving and how much stimulation the other is giving. If you are both satisfied and fulfilled by your sex life, that is indeed an accomplishment of a harmonious balance.

Sexologists and sex educators often draw the cycle of an orgasm as a line chart - making sexual pleasure look more like a financial report than an erotic experience. While arousal and sensations are by no means a linear path - these charts can be useful to draw your attention to the patterns of your arousal. 

Conventional wisdom says that women need a longer warm-up stage, a smooth and gradual uphill climb towards arousal and orgasm. Once they have peaked, women might have several orgasms, the top of their chart looking like a mountain range. Then, a nice downhill descent towards afterglow.

Men, it is commonly believed, have a sharp uphill climb.  Men can be turned on by just about anything, climb quickly towards one dramatic climactic peak and then a sharp fall downhill towards a soft penis and sleep.

We've all seen these charts (and if not, they are here for your perusal) and perhaps experienced a similar arousal pattern. But most men and most women have had orgasmic experiences that are way off the charts.

If your arousal and orgasm were a terrain of peaks and valleys - and if you were able to chart your actual arousal, what would that chart look like? Would it be the same time after time, or dramatically different each time?

If you could chart your most pleasurable orgasm, what would that look like? Do you want to experience more intense orgasms, multiple orgasms, or full body orgasms?

What do your lover's orgasms look like?

After last night's midnight showing of Sex and The City 2, it is clear that you probably won't go see SATC for the sex advice. Go for the reunion with Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte. Go for the fashion and extravagance. Just seeing Liza Minnelli perform "Single Ladies" is well worth the price of a ticket.

But in between the shots of high heels and couture, the Sex and the City ladies offer us an abundance of sex  and relationship advice, targeted squarely at those in long term relationships and struggling to keep the "sparkle" of excitement alive.

As sex educators, here are the top 7 lessons we noticed in the film:

1. Take Time Alone 
How much time do you take to nourish your own needs and desires? Whether you are a busy mom, overworked at your job, or both, taking time to be alone and replenish yourself is essential to a happy relationship and fabulous sex life. No matter how many demands there are on your time, taking a few moments each day to nourish your own needs will go a long way towards giving you more energy to share with your partner, kids and friends. Most of us don't have a second home to escape to like Carrie - we need to create that oasis within our own busy lives. What would you do with ten minutes a day, just focusing on your own needs and desires?

2. Capture the Sparkle
As their relationship matures, Carrie misses the "sparkle" of the romance, excitement and glamour of their early life together. When she sees this sparkle return to her lover while he is talking to another woman, her upset is more than jealousy - it is craving. She wants to be wooed again. The longer a relationship endures, the more effort we need to invest in capturing the sparkle of the initial lust and romance. The best way to do this is returning to the source - remember the first days, weeks and months of your relationship. What did you do to capture one another's attention? How did you seduce one another? It worked the first time, it might work again. Replay some of the moments every now and then - do the activities you did on your first dates, go to your favorite places you've been together, remember what it felt like as you were falling in love. Just like Big pulling up in his limo, ready to whisk Carrie off into the New York night, create the opportunity to remind one another of how you fell in love in the first place.

3. Pay Attention
Carrie Bradshaw unzips her gown to reveal sexy lingerie and lots of bare skin. The movie audience notices - but her lover doesn't pay any attention. He has seen her body before. He is more interested in what is on TV. This is the fatal flaw in many long term relationships: we stop paying attention. We take one another for granted. When your lover undresses, do you notice? When they make an effort to look nice, are you paying attention? What is more worthy of your attention - your lover or your television screen?

4. At Your Service
Arriving for their all expenses paid trip in the (once) glamourous city of Abu Dhabi, each of the ladies is presented with their very own butler. The excitement in their faces is palpable as they respond to the concept of a young, attractive, gracious man who is completely at their service. The film doesn't linger too long on this relationship, but as Carrie's butler warms milk for her on a sleepless night, we have to wonder- who is taking care of us? Service is a luxury, usually thought of as the extravagant indulgence of the very rich. But we can all have the experience of being taken care of, of having someone "at your service" if we bring this into our love relationships. Bring your lover a cup of coffee. Notice if she is getting cold and bring a sweater or blanket. Anticipate their needs. Small acts of service translate to big feelings of love and desire.

5. Jealousy: Use it or Lose It!
Jealousy is a natural response, and is to be expected in any long term relationship. It is one thing to be jealous when there is due cause. If your partner is beginning to stray, jealousy might be the first warning sign that a major intervention is called for. But if you are like Charlotte, getting jealous when she sees Harry noticing another (younger) woman's breasts, you either have to use it or lose it. Lose it - let it go if your jealousy is over something trivial and is not actually a warning sign of your relationship being threatened. Or, better yet - Use it! Notice your lover's desire and respond. Charlotte could have tempted Harry with her own breasts, bringing his gaze back to his own body. Transform your jealousy into desire and seduction - allow that emotion to fuel your passion.

6. Forbidden Pleasures
In the sexually conservative landscape of Abu Dhabi, Samantha discovers a new sexual challenge: sublimating her sexual desire and tendancy to show off her body. As she tries to reign in her sexual displays, she meets a handsome stranger who shares her lusty personality. He describes his added arousal of being in the sexually conservative Middle East - by taming his desires they only grow. No matter where you live, there are places where sexual desire is less welcome than others - and you can use these "forbidden pleasures" to your advantage. If you notice desire in a "forbidden" place, allow the taboo to turn you on.

7. Design Your Own Relationship
The movie opens with a lavish gay wedding, as unlikely lovers Stanford and Anthony tie the knot. As Anthony reveals their "rules for marriage" the ladies talk about what it means to be married. Leave it to the gays to remind us what we knew all along - every marriage is a unique agreement, and every relationship has its own character. Designing your own relationship happens whether or not you do so consciously. So take the time, and together with your lover to create the guidelines that support your relationship. What are your hard and fast boundaries? What do your vows mean to you? If a marriage is a contract, surely it is worthwhile to remind yourself of why you got married, what it means to you, and what kind of marriage you want to have together.

How much noise do you make during sex? The bed squeaking doesn't count - how much noise do you make?

Many of us learned our arousal patterns while masturbating as a youth - and a lot of us had to be absolutely quiet for fear of discovery. This arousal pattern of silent enjoyment can stick with people well into adulthood.

People are quiet for other reasons - they don't want the neighbors to hear, or they are worried they will sound silly, or they don't want to sound like a porn star. Notice how much noise you do or don't make during both partnered sex and masturbation. Also notice your response when your partner makes noise - do you find it a turn-on or do you get embarrassed?

Making noise is pleasurable for a few reasons. First, noise serves as an important communication to your partner during sex. If you are getting highly aroused by a particular stroke or sensation, letting them know with your noise can tell them to keep it up without having to use words. While words like "Yes, yes" can be easy enough to say during high arousal, sometimes words are lost to us and moans and grunts are a more natural way to speak to your lover.

Making noise also requires you to open your throat and mouth. Sensations flow up and down your body, from the point of contact (for example, your genitals) to your brain, where those signals are interpreted as pleasurable. If your shoulders, neck and throat are constricted, you will feel less sensation in the rest of your body. Making noise is a sure way to begin to relax your neck and allow the free flow of sensations through your entire body.

Finally, noise lets you tap into the more primal, animal side of sexual expression. All too often, people stay polite during sex. Sex is one of the few parts of our life where we can let go, release ourselves of social niceties and feel our body in a raw, instinctual, ancient relationship with pleasure.

This letting go requires trusting your partner and letting go of shame and guilt that might make you hold back. But if you can surrender and let yourself be a little more wild, a little more bestial - then you can tap into tons of pleasure and find sex to be all the more relaxing. Especially for people who have to be professional, polite, and contained in the rest of their life, losing control, opening your mouth and grunting, groaning, moaning and screaming your pleasure during sex can be incredibly satisfying.

Noise during sex doesn't sound like a porn movie- those scripted high-pitched moans are not what everyone's authentic pleasure sounds like. Making noise feels best when it is a real expression of your pleasure - so don't try to hard, just let noise emit from your throat. Begin by making a sound on the exhale. A slight moan, a little grunt - just focus on your breathing and make a little noise each time you exhale. Don't overthink it. Let the sound build with your arousal - if something feels especially good, let your partner know with louder or prolonged sounds. Encourage your partner to make sounds as well and see how it shifts your experience of sex. From the low animal grunts to high operatic arias, sex noises can be your own personal soundtrack of pleasure.

When you get aroused, where do you feel it? What parts of your body light up with sensation and energy when you climax?

For most people, the genitals are the focus of both arousal and orgasm. We feel sensation where we are being stimulated and where we are paying attention. Most of us choose to focus primarily (or exclusively) on the genitals during sex.

We have been culturally trained to narrow this focus on the genitals, to be as sure as possible we will reach climax. There is a scarcity mentality around orgasm - a goal-oriented way of thinking that makes us desperate to have an orgasm when we can, just in case another opportunity doesn't come around soon enough.

By paying attention only to genital sensation, we develop a pattern of "balloon sex" - we squeeze all of our sensation and focus into a small part of our body, blowing it up until it pops.

Often, the whole body tenses up to concentrate sensation - our legs go stiff, our back and arms contract, our faces sometimes even tense up as we approach orgasm. We try and squeeze every last drop of sensation out of our genitals as we can. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with this approach - it can lead to very strong genital sensations and orgasms. It does, however, limit the amount of sensation you can feel in the rest of your body.

Alternatively, you can build up arousal, and consciously relax your body, breathing deeply, and allow erotic sensations to flow through the entire body.  Using full body touch while simultaneously stimulating the genitals (remember, between you and your partner you have four hands available for stimulation!) can increase the full-body sensation. Some people report that using this technique they feel orgasmic sensation stream through their entire body - they shudder and shake, feel vibrations of pleasure from head to toe.

Have you ever experienced what you would call a "full body orgasm?" Tell us about it! What techniques helped get you there?

Arousal, Erection, Orgasm and Ejaculation are often considered to be a package deal for men: you can't have one without the other. To enjoy more sexual pleasure and erotic freedom, it is essential to dismantle this myth and understand these events to be complementary experiences that may come in any combination.

Arousal: An experience of sexual stimulation and pleasure, visual, tactile or otherwise. Can be brief or prolonged, sought-out or spontaneous. The dictionary definition of "arouse" is "to evoke or awaken."  This definition reminds us that arousal awakens the erotic part of us that is always within us, a part of our very being. Stimulation from any number of sources can awaken this energy, bringing our attention more fully to our sexuality and desires.

Erection: A physical response, in which the penis is engorged with blood and becomes more rigid. Both men and women have erectile tissue in their genitals, and both men and women can experience erections. Erection pulls the skin of the genitals more taut around the shaft of the penis or clitoris, exposing more nerve endings and heightening sensation. Contrary to popular "blue balls" myth, erections can come and go painlessly - and "losing" an erection does not need to end a sexual encounter. Erections are also not an on/off switch - most men experience a range of erectile stages, each with their own pleasures. Our cultural obsession with erectile disorder has the uninvited effect of making many men ashamed of becoming less erect, even if they are highly aroused. This sometimes ends sexual encounters prematurely, shaming both partners and causing resentment. Embracing all stages of erection - including the aroused but not erect penis- can greatly extend sexual pleasure and take the pressure off men to be constantly hard when aroused.

Orgasm: A climax of sexual excitement, marked in men and women by involuntary contractions of the pelvic muscles and an intense sensation of pleasure. Both men and women can experience one or more orgasms in any given sexual event, with or without ejaculation. Most people experience a building of sexual excitement towards a threshold, and  a "point of inevitability" at which orgasm is imminent. Orgasms can range from mild to wild, quick to long lasting, serene to bestial.

Ejaculation: The release of sexual fluids from the urethra, usually (but not always) during sexual excitement. Ejaculate is a combination of several components - fluid from the prostate and other glands, and (in men only) sperm.  The contractions of the pelvic muscle help propel the ejaculate fluid out of the body.

There is a lot of fuss about ejaculation in the sex education world: men want to learn how to withhold ejaculation, and women want to learn how to ejaculate. Both goals are seen as markers of enlightenment or sophistication. It is our position that ejaculation is just one of the many pleasurable options for sexual climax, and is neither more nor less advanced that non-ejaculatory orgasms. Some traditions discourage frequent ejaculation, citing the emission of precious fluids as depleting to overall health and vitality. You are the best expert on your own  body - experiment and pay attention to how you feel. Does ejaculation make you feel tired, or energize you? Does getting aroused without having an orgasm keep you erotically charged all day, or create frustration?

Enjoy the process of discovering these four distinct and pleasurable processes in your body! Have any questions about arousal, erection, orgasm or ejaculation? Leave a comment or Contact Us and we'll do you best to answer your questions!

Like other muscles, the muscles of the pelvic floor can be toned and trained. The pelvic muscles can be strengthened over time, and stronger muscles are capable of stronger contractions, so you can experience stronger orgasms.

A regular practice of pelvic clenches will create a more powerful sensation during arousal and climax. Strengthening these muscles is essential for more sexual pleasure and to maintain your sexual health.

You may have heard pelvic clenches be called Kegels, after Dr. Arnold Kegel, who in 1948 wrote about the sexual health benefits of toning the muscles of the pelvic floor.  Clenches are widely endorsed by midwives, doctors, and sex educators alike and are a major practice in the traditions of Tantra and Taoism.

Some describe the Kegel as clenching the muscle you would use to stop the flow of urine. This may be a helpful place to begin finding the muscles of the pelvic floor - but in reality the muscles that start and stops the flow of urine is only one small part of the entire pelvic floor. You can strengthen and tone this entire web of muscles using various exercises for pelvic floor strength. Over time, you'll be able to isolate distinct groups of muscles.

For now, just focus on awakening as much of this musculature as you can identify, and clenching the entire group of muscles together. Begin practicing clenches on your own until they feel effortless. Then try integrating them into lovemaking - clench around your partner's finger or penis. Clenching during arousal is more difficult, but can lead to wonderful peaks of sensation.

Be sure to completely relax after clenching. Relaxation is just as important of a sexual skill: if you can consciously relax muscles as you approach climax, you can prolong your arousal and delay ejaculation, allowing for longer lovemaking and more full body sensation.

Using a vaginal barbell or weighted pelvic exerciser may help you strengthen your pelvic muscles. Barbells provide something to squeeze against, providing a bit of resistance to intensify the benefits of your clenches. But you don't need a tool to get started - just identify your PC muscles and squeeze!

Here is a comparison of two different pelvic exercisers provided to us for review by the good folks at BetterSex.com They offer a whole range of kegel exercisers to support your sexual health

The Isis is a beginner pelvic exerciser, weighing in at just over 2 ounces. The light pink lucite hourglass shape is very friendly for beginners. This light toy won't provide much resistance, but it does give you something to practice clenching around. Just having something inserted will help you feel the movement of the muscles as you clench and release, so you can be sure you are getting effective results from your practice.

Betty Dodson's barbell is much heavier at nearly a pound, and may be better suited to women who already enjoy a regular practice of pelvic clenches. The heft of this toy can't be ignored - once inserted inside, the pelvic muscles begin responding right away just to keep it in place! The ultimate test of your pelvic strength is to stand up, insert this barbell and then try to clench and release without dropping it from the mighty grip of your vaginal muscles. Try to keep this stainless steel barbell firmly gripped while fluttering your pelvic floor muscles.

A regular practice of pelvic clenches, with or without a barbell, will enhance your sexual response and support lifelong sexual health. Enjoy the process of toning your pelvic musculature - many women find that the clenches alone create a very arousing response!

Unlocking the Secrets of the G-Spot: The Ultimate O

Adult educational videos are notorious for inducing a case of "Pornus Interuptus" - just when a sex scene gets hot , the video jumps to an talking heads expert offering gentle advice and hard science.

This DVD, provided to us for review from the good folks at BetterSex.com is no exception - short sex scenes with loving and sometimes hot real-life couples are frequently interrupted by sex experts, therapists and doctors offering education and advice.

The education is solid, providing clear information about the g-spot, female ejaculation, and (unexpectedly) techniques for men to maintain erection longer. This final theme may not fit the overall topic of the DVD, but is welcome advice for the male audience members. Educators include Marty Klein Ph.D., Dr. Beverly Whipple and many others.

The highlight of the DVD is a scene with Carol Queen, legendary sex educator. Her masturbation scene with a g-spot orgasm and female ejaculation is worth watching the DVD for - she brings a joyous intensity to the scene. All of the couples featured in this DVD have real, natural bodies and good chemistry. Watching Sinclair videos feels more voyeuristic than watching porn - like peeking in on real couples having real sex. This is a refreshing change, and a good choice for couples looking to learn new sexual skills, gain more information, and enjoy an intimate evening at home.

Unlocking the Secrets of the G-spot doesn't disappoint, you just need to prepare yourself for the frequent interruptions from very unsexy experts. Don't expect to get hot and heavy while watching this DVD, but try to take away some useful hints for your next bedroom adventure.

Also check out our download-to-own video guide on how to use your hands to pleasure a woman.

This week on Dr. Oz, an audience member asked about clitoral atrophy. She stated that she could no longer feel her clitoris and it had been "too long to say" since she experienced sexual stimulation. Dr. Oz declares "Use In Or Lose It" - and suggests, like many other parts of the body, the sexual system can begin to shut down if not "put to use."

Here at the Pleasure Mechanics, we are happy to hear Dr. Oz promote the healthfulness of sexual stimulation. We would add that satisfying sexual stimulation does not depend upon finding a great lover - every woman and man can explore their sexual pleasure and response cycle on their own. Masturbation can be a powerful sexual laboratory to discover your own relationship to pleasure. We encourage single folks to stay "tuned up and turned on." This is especially important if you are ready to find a lover - by staying satisfied on your own you can approach your new relationship with confidence rather than neediness. Our download-to-own video guide on female sexual pleasure techniques  is a great way to learn how to "use it" so you don't "lose it!"

Check out Dr. Oz (the clitoral atrophy discussion begins at the 1:00 mark. and let us know what you think. Do you agree with "use it or lose it?"