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Is there an imaginary scoreboard above your bed? Many couples act as if they need to stay "even" when it comes to giving and receiving pleasure. Yet, reciprocity is not a one-for-one exchange. It is important to make sure both of your needs and desires are being acknowledged, but you may also find that there is a natural balance within your relationship, or phases of your relationship, that are not "equal." Balance does not have to be symmetrical.

What is essential is to check in with yourself and one another and make sure you are not developing any resentment about how much pleasure one person is receiving and how much stimulation the other is giving. If you are both satisfied and fulfilled by your sex life, that is indeed an accomplishment of a harmonious balance.

When do you experience more joy - when you give a gift to a loved one, or when you receive a present? Tough question, right? For most of us, both giving and receiving gifts can be delightful. Giving and receiving gifts is especially wonderful when the present is "just right" - when you give a gift and the recipient exudes delight, having received something that they really wanted and perhaps wouldn't have bought for themselves. Receiving is the same way - when you get a gift that exceeds your expectations, it feels amazing, right? You feel loved, cared for, "seen" and special.

Pleasurable touch is one of the best gifts we can give one another. Touch is the gift of time, of attention, of love.

Most of the time, we focus on the pleasure we receive - from a lover, a meal, a sensual experience. Some source outside of ourselves gives us pleasure, which we get to enjoy. All too often, we forget about the pleasure we can experience by giving. Touching our lover and giving them pleasure can be an amazing, fulfilling experience.

Everyone experiences pleasure in some balance of giving and receiving - some people are much more prone to feel pleasure from outside stimulation, others experience their highest pleasure in giving to others. This plays out in all arenas in life - and some people are "givers" in their professional life (social workers, hairdressers, any profession that requires you to give attention to others) and "receivers" in the bedroom. Noticing the balance between giving and receiving in your life can help you sort through the emotions attached with giving and receiving sexual pleasure with your lover. Some people are great at either giving or receiving, but get stuck when asked to do the other.

Think about some of your favorite sexual memories - what was the balance between giving and receiving pleasure? Were the moments when you focused on your lover's body more or less arousing than when your lover focused attention on your body? In your ideal scenario, what would this balance look like?

In yesterday's Savage Love podcast, sex columnist Dan Savage coined a new sex idiom and is encouraging us all to use it as much as possible - "Lifting the luggage."  Dan Savage is a master of coining new sex terminology - and some stick, such as the term "pegging" for a woman anally penetrating a man with a strap-on. Pegging has stuck because it is a useful term for a sex act that is gaining popularity and more men are naming their desire for anal play. But "lifting the luggage?"
 
Earlier this week, the Miami New Times broke the story of anti-gay activist George Rekers coming home from a vacation with a young gay male prostitute. He found the escort on the gay website RentBoy.com and spent a 10 day vacation in Europe with the young man. When asked by the press about their relationship, professional bigot George Rekers said he didn't know about the sexual nature of the escort service and hired the boy to help "lift his luggage." Of course, the photos snapped by the newspaper show the older and self-claimed injured Rekers pushing the luggage cart! Read the Miami New Times article for the savory details.
 
So enters the term "lifting the luggage" as the new euphemism for sexual activity. We don't know what George and his young male escort did or did not do on their European holiday together. But George Rekers certainly had some heavy baggage to deal with: Shame and Guilt.

Shame and Guilt are toxic emotions that get in the way of living an authentic, healthy sex life. We all suffer the effects of shame and guilt to some degree - none of us are immune from living in our shared sexual culture that denigrates sexuality and erotic expression.

But some of us are so weighed down by the baggage (er - luggage) of Shame and Guilt (and their sidekick, Fear) that we self-destruct. Shame can be a completely debilitating force, creating a lifetime of self-denial, self-hatred and dishonesty with ourselves and those we love.

George Rekers has built an entire career on advocating for Shame and Fear. His book "Shaping Your Child's Sexual Identity" and his political platform are part of the "cure the gays" movement that encourages parents to discipline homosexual behavior out of their children. His work at the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality, or NARTH, is part of the troubling and continuing trend to promote the idea that people can pray their gay away.

His escapades with a young male escort indicate that this work stems from shame and guilt about his own desires for men. This is not the first case of the most bigoted homophobic people being exposed in a gay sex scandal.

Clearly, we at the Pleasure Mechanics disagree with Reker's anti-gay platform. We find targeting anxious parents a cowardice act. But we also have sympathy and compassion for George Rekers, and hope that this incident helps him unpack his own baggage of the lifetime of shame and guilt. He did not create sexual shame. He is simply perpetuating it.

We all have baggage when it comes to sex. We all suffer from Shame, Guilt and Fear to some degree. Our work here at the Pleasure Mechanics is dedicated to the vision of a world where all adults are sexually satisfied and fulfilled. To reach this goal, we all need to confront our own Shame, Guilt and Fear and work together to create a culture that celebrates the gifts of human sexuality.

George Rekers, we wish you healing and integration of your desires. We hope you will stop projecting your own shame onto parents and others in the Christian community.

Dan Savage, we salute you for coining yet another term into our shared sexual culture, and for your work in alleviating the Shame and Guilt of millions.

So next time you are "lifting the luggage" - alone or with a lover - notice if your bags are weighed down by shame or guilt. See if you can lighten the load by honoring your sexuality and your desires, and letting go of one little ounce of these toxic emotions.