PleasureMechanics.com

Is there an imaginary scoreboard above your bed? Many couples act as if they need to stay "even" when it comes to giving and receiving pleasure. Yet, reciprocity is not a one-for-one exchange. It is important to make sure both of your needs and desires are being acknowledged, but you may also find that there is a natural balance within your relationship, or phases of your relationship, that are not "equal." Balance does not have to be symmetrical.

What is essential is to check in with yourself and one another and make sure you are not developing any resentment about how much pleasure one person is receiving and how much stimulation the other is giving. If you are both satisfied and fulfilled by your sex life, that is indeed an accomplishment of a harmonious balance.

One common technique to prolong arousal and increase sexual pleasure is called "edging." Edging involves paying attention to your level of arousal, and developing your ability to know when you are getting close to orgasm. When you approach orgasm, you tone down stimulation or stop touching yourself and practice riding that edge - staying just under the threshold of orgasm.  If you want to prolong your arousal and delay ejaculation, edging is a technique to explore.

Some people find this technique to be both effective and pleasurable, prolonging arousal and building up sensation towards a more intense orgasm. Other people get frustrated and don't like the sensation of constantly "holding back" orgasm. Try it for yourself and see how it feels. Our video guide on handjob techniques will guide you through the strokes and strategies to create maximum pleasure while exploring the edging technique.

In masturbation, edging can be a really useful exploration, bringing your awareness to your arousal and experimenting with what it feels like to ride that edge of climax. You can experiment with different rhythms of stimulation, breathing techniques and body movements and learn about your arousal cycle.

All of this self-knowledge can then be brought to your lover and contribute to a richer partnered sex life. Explore edging with a partner if you want in-depth practice of communication. As your partner stimulates you towards climax, both of you then must become aware of your body and arousal - communicate about how close you are feeling and explore the sensation of staying just on the edge of orgasm.

Can your partner feel the tiny contractions of the pelvic muscles that precede orgasm? Can your partner hear your breath changing, notice the shift in your moans, or detect other signs of climax in your body? Explore ways to keep your arousal high, while incorporating more full body touch. Playing with maintaining arousal with a partner can be a great way to learn about one another, discover new techniques and learn to pay attention and communicate with both precision and passion.

Sexologists and sex educators often draw the cycle of an orgasm as a line chart - making sexual pleasure look more like a financial report than an erotic experience. While arousal and sensations are by no means a linear path - these charts can be useful to draw your attention to the patterns of your arousal. 

Conventional wisdom says that women need a longer warm-up stage, a smooth and gradual uphill climb towards arousal and orgasm. Once they have peaked, women might have several orgasms, the top of their chart looking like a mountain range. Then, a nice downhill descent towards afterglow.

Men, it is commonly believed, have a sharp uphill climb.  Men can be turned on by just about anything, climb quickly towards one dramatic climactic peak and then a sharp fall downhill towards a soft penis and sleep.

We've all seen these charts (and if not, they are here for your perusal) and perhaps experienced a similar arousal pattern. But most men and most women have had orgasmic experiences that are way off the charts.

If your arousal and orgasm were a terrain of peaks and valleys - and if you were able to chart your actual arousal, what would that chart look like? Would it be the same time after time, or dramatically different each time?

If you could chart your most pleasurable orgasm, what would that look like? Do you want to experience more intense orgasms, multiple orgasms, or full body orgasms?

What do your lover's orgasms look like?

How much noise do you make during sex? The bed squeaking doesn't count - how much noise do you make?

Many of us learned our arousal patterns while masturbating as a youth - and a lot of us had to be absolutely quiet for fear of discovery. This arousal pattern of silent enjoyment can stick with people well into adulthood.

People are quiet for other reasons - they don't want the neighbors to hear, or they are worried they will sound silly, or they don't want to sound like a porn star. Notice how much noise you do or don't make during both partnered sex and masturbation. Also notice your response when your partner makes noise - do you find it a turn-on or do you get embarrassed?

Making noise is pleasurable for a few reasons. First, noise serves as an important communication to your partner during sex. If you are getting highly aroused by a particular stroke or sensation, letting them know with your noise can tell them to keep it up without having to use words. While words like "Yes, yes" can be easy enough to say during high arousal, sometimes words are lost to us and moans and grunts are a more natural way to speak to your lover.

Making noise also requires you to open your throat and mouth. Sensations flow up and down your body, from the point of contact (for example, your genitals) to your brain, where those signals are interpreted as pleasurable. If your shoulders, neck and throat are constricted, you will feel less sensation in the rest of your body. Making noise is a sure way to begin to relax your neck and allow the free flow of sensations through your entire body.

Finally, noise lets you tap into the more primal, animal side of sexual expression. All too often, people stay polite during sex. Sex is one of the few parts of our life where we can let go, release ourselves of social niceties and feel our body in a raw, instinctual, ancient relationship with pleasure.

This letting go requires trusting your partner and letting go of shame and guilt that might make you hold back. But if you can surrender and let yourself be a little more wild, a little more bestial - then you can tap into tons of pleasure and find sex to be all the more relaxing. Especially for people who have to be professional, polite, and contained in the rest of their life, losing control, opening your mouth and grunting, groaning, moaning and screaming your pleasure during sex can be incredibly satisfying.

Noise during sex doesn't sound like a porn movie- those scripted high-pitched moans are not what everyone's authentic pleasure sounds like. Making noise feels best when it is a real expression of your pleasure - so don't try to hard, just let noise emit from your throat. Begin by making a sound on the exhale. A slight moan, a little grunt - just focus on your breathing and make a little noise each time you exhale. Don't overthink it. Let the sound build with your arousal - if something feels especially good, let your partner know with louder or prolonged sounds. Encourage your partner to make sounds as well and see how it shifts your experience of sex. From the low animal grunts to high operatic arias, sex noises can be your own personal soundtrack of pleasure.

When you get aroused, where do you feel it? What parts of your body light up with sensation and energy when you climax?

For most people, the genitals are the focus of both arousal and orgasm. We feel sensation where we are being stimulated and where we are paying attention. Most of us choose to focus primarily (or exclusively) on the genitals during sex.

We have been culturally trained to narrow this focus on the genitals, to be as sure as possible we will reach climax. There is a scarcity mentality around orgasm - a goal-oriented way of thinking that makes us desperate to have an orgasm when we can, just in case another opportunity doesn't come around soon enough.

By paying attention only to genital sensation, we develop a pattern of "balloon sex" - we squeeze all of our sensation and focus into a small part of our body, blowing it up until it pops.

Often, the whole body tenses up to concentrate sensation - our legs go stiff, our back and arms contract, our faces sometimes even tense up as we approach orgasm. We try and squeeze every last drop of sensation out of our genitals as we can. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with this approach - it can lead to very strong genital sensations and orgasms. It does, however, limit the amount of sensation you can feel in the rest of your body.

Alternatively, you can build up arousal, and consciously relax your body, breathing deeply, and allow erotic sensations to flow through the entire body.  Using full body touch while simultaneously stimulating the genitals (remember, between you and your partner you have four hands available for stimulation!) can increase the full-body sensation. Some people report that using this technique they feel orgasmic sensation stream through their entire body - they shudder and shake, feel vibrations of pleasure from head to toe.

Have you ever experienced what you would call a "full body orgasm?" Tell us about it! What techniques helped get you there?

Arousal, Erection, Orgasm and Ejaculation are often considered to be a package deal for men: you can't have one without the other. To enjoy more sexual pleasure and erotic freedom, it is essential to dismantle this myth and understand these events to be complementary experiences that may come in any combination.

Arousal: An experience of sexual stimulation and pleasure, visual, tactile or otherwise. Can be brief or prolonged, sought-out or spontaneous. The dictionary definition of "arouse" is "to evoke or awaken."  This definition reminds us that arousal awakens the erotic part of us that is always within us, a part of our very being. Stimulation from any number of sources can awaken this energy, bringing our attention more fully to our sexuality and desires.

Erection: A physical response, in which the penis is engorged with blood and becomes more rigid. Both men and women have erectile tissue in their genitals, and both men and women can experience erections. Erection pulls the skin of the genitals more taut around the shaft of the penis or clitoris, exposing more nerve endings and heightening sensation. Contrary to popular "blue balls" myth, erections can come and go painlessly - and "losing" an erection does not need to end a sexual encounter. Erections are also not an on/off switch - most men experience a range of erectile stages, each with their own pleasures. Our cultural obsession with erectile disorder has the uninvited effect of making many men ashamed of becoming less erect, even if they are highly aroused. This sometimes ends sexual encounters prematurely, shaming both partners and causing resentment. Embracing all stages of erection - including the aroused but not erect penis- can greatly extend sexual pleasure and take the pressure off men to be constantly hard when aroused.

Orgasm: A climax of sexual excitement, marked in men and women by involuntary contractions of the pelvic muscles and an intense sensation of pleasure. Both men and women can experience one or more orgasms in any given sexual event, with or without ejaculation. Most people experience a building of sexual excitement towards a threshold, and  a "point of inevitability" at which orgasm is imminent. Orgasms can range from mild to wild, quick to long lasting, serene to bestial.

Ejaculation: The release of sexual fluids from the urethra, usually (but not always) during sexual excitement. Ejaculate is a combination of several components - fluid from the prostate and other glands, and (in men only) sperm.  The contractions of the pelvic muscle help propel the ejaculate fluid out of the body.

There is a lot of fuss about ejaculation in the sex education world: men want to learn how to withhold ejaculation, and women want to learn how to ejaculate. Both goals are seen as markers of enlightenment or sophistication. It is our position that ejaculation is just one of the many pleasurable options for sexual climax, and is neither more nor less advanced that non-ejaculatory orgasms. Some traditions discourage frequent ejaculation, citing the emission of precious fluids as depleting to overall health and vitality. You are the best expert on your own  body - experiment and pay attention to how you feel. Does ejaculation make you feel tired, or energize you? Does getting aroused without having an orgasm keep you erotically charged all day, or create frustration?

Enjoy the process of discovering these four distinct and pleasurable processes in your body! Have any questions about arousal, erection, orgasm or ejaculation? Leave a comment or Contact Us and we'll do you best to answer your questions!

Men's sexuality is not as simple as our culture likes to believe.

The common myth is that men are easily turned on by just about anything, always ready for a sexual encounter, and can get hard and get off with little effort or skill.

Women's sexuality is seen as complicated and mysterious - men's overt and obvious. Thankfully, it is not that simple.

Men have a wide range of pleasure available to them, with a huge range of sex acts that can be exciting and satisfying.

Sure, with a little focus and fantasy many men can get aroused and ejaculate with genital stimulation.

But this does not let their partners off the hook - learning more skills to stimulate the male sexual system pays off in dividends - allowing men to experience prolonged arousal, stronger orgasms, powerful ejaculations and multiple orgasms.

Developing fabulous handjob techniques is the perfect way to begin exploring the fuller range of male sexual pleasure. Not only will you learn how to create more sensation, but you'll be able to tell when he is close to ejaculation, and soon you'll be responding with subtle adjustments to your touch so his pleasure can last longer, build up to stronger orgasms and play with ejaculation control.