Pleasure Mechanics

Do you ever wish you could read the private diary of your next door neighbor? Or hear about the sex life of that cute server at the local diner? Ever wondered what it is like to be a military wife? 

Our sex lives are private by definition, but there are many benefits to learning about the authentic sex lives of others. Hollywood romance pales in comparison to the passion, complexity and diversity of our everyday private lives. 

That's why we participated in The Sex Diaries Project, a fabulous collection of 7 day sex diaries from men and women all across the United States. Arianne Cohen has been collecting sex diaries for five years, and has read over 1500 diaries, and this book features the most entertaining and inspiring diaries along with Arianne's wise editorial perspectives. 

We are usually pretty private about our personal lives here at The Pleasure Mechanics, choosing to focus instead on creating videos and ebooks that teach the skills of pleasure. The Sex Diaries Project is a rare opportunity to read about our personal lives, as you read through our 7 day diary featured in the book. Arianne named the entry "The Sensual Lesbian Sex Educator" and, accurately enough, the edited diary celebrates the daily touch, erotic playfulness and integrated work-life balance of the Pleasure Mechanics headquarters. 

We highly recommend you check out the book, or log onto Arianne's site where you can keep a diary or read about other people's most intimate diary entries. While you read, pay attention to what turns you on, what scares you, what you have judgement about. Your reactions to these diaries will reveal so much about your desires, goals and boundaries. 

Here is an excerpt from our interview with Arianne about her experience collecting 1500 sex diaries. Click here for the full Sex Diaries Project interview. You can read about Christine's experience as "The Lesbian Sex Educator" here. Our video interview with Arianne can be found below, or on the Pleasure Mechanics YouTube Channel.

Pleasure Mechanics: You say the unhappiest of all your diarists are those who don't know what they want. Can you tell us how you noticed this pattern in the diaries? What does that mean about the importance of desire?

Arianne Cohen: I noticed it because it was a little counterintuitive, and kept popping up: The happiest diarists were not the ones for whom everything was going well. The happiest are the ones who (1) know, generally speaking, what they want, and (2) feel that they're on a path toward getting it. So perhaps it's a single woman who has just moved to a new town, and she's signed herself up for a whole bunch of activities. She's on the right path. Or perhaps it's a person in an unhappy marriage who has committed to 6 months of couples therapy. It's the diarists who aren't sure what they want who tend to be unhappy and generally angsty, and also to blame their partners for their lack of happiness.

Many of us learn about pleasure early in childhood. When we are taught not to touch our "private parts" or to "sit still and listen" we are educated out of our physical instincts towards pleasure. Children are taught to keep their clothing on, to avoid touching their genitals, to keep their voice down.  

Some of these messages are necessary to teach children public/private boundaries and create a safe environment for all children. Sometimes, however, these messages go beyond safety and respectful boundaries and we are taught that parts of our body are "dirty," "nasty," or "naughty." 

Some children are severely punished if caught masturbating, even in the privacy of their own room. Others are disciplined if discovered in any sort of sexual play with other kids. Adult shame and guilt gets passed on to children, and the panic about child sexual abuse has added new furor to this chorus of messages to children: that sex is not safe, not good, and to be avoided. And yet, sexual imagery and messages are all around us, and this paradox can create damaging confusion for children growing up in a sexually confused culture.

In many (but not all) religious traditions, bodily pleasure has been villianized as a hedonistic pursuit or sinful act. Many Christian, Jewish and Muslim communities only condone sexual pleasure within heterosexual marriage. Once married, pleasure becomes an important way to connect and bond spouses. There are many religious leaders that believe that sexual pleasure is an essential glue for married partners, creating long-lasting and healthy relationships.

There is even a Jewish commandment for marital pleasure. The law of onah requires a husband to gratify his wife, separate from the commandment to procreate. Female desire is thought to be stronger (if less overt) than a man's, and it is the husband's duty to satisfy his wife to ensure a harmonious family and home life.   Another Jewish law, niddah prohibit intercourse during menstruation and for 12-14 days following, effectively prohibiting intercourse for half of every month. Modern Rabbis such as Shmuley belive that this is a positive force for desire within a marriage- it keeps tension and desire strong in marriages. 

This is a sharp contrast to most secular beliefs on marital sex, of constant availability and sex as at least a weekly activity. In fact, recent studies indicate that up to one-third of all American marriages are completely sexless. As a culture, we must look at these numbers and wonder what has gone wrong when even those partners committed for life can not create the time and passion for sexual satisfaction. 

If you were raised with a strong religious education, and find that guilt or shame are major barriers to your erotic enjoyment, you may want to seek counsel with your religious leadership. Many people find when they ask their religious leaders about sexuality, they find a much more open and clear dialogue is available to them. Some religious leaders even encourage physical pleasure, at least amongst married partners and within specific boundaries.  

There are resources available to people of all faiths to assist them in reconciling their physical feelings and religious concerns. Each religion has specific edicts about what is and is not permissible - and we can not tell you to betray your faith. We encourage you to seek out resources within your faith, both from leadership and community members. 

We believe that the morality of any act is better measured by the intention and emotions rather than the act itself - that physical pleasure, when shared between fully consenting individuals, can be a spiritual experience and bring us closer to ourselves and one another. 

We believe pleasure to be a human birthright, that can strengthen relationships and families. When people receive more quality touch, they are happier and more fulfilled, and more able to be devoted partners, parents, co-workers and community members. It is when we deny one another physical pleasure that our tension and frustration lead to acts of coercion, violation or betrayal. 

We believe pleasure is for everyone- no matter what your spiritual or religious faith. We intentionally have left language of God or the divine out of our material, so that you can map these practices onto your life in whatever way makes sense for you. 

It is our highest wish that our videos and writings assist you in discovering more pleasure in your life. May we all work together to create a culture that supports healthy, consensual, pleasurable sexual fulfillment for all humans.