 Sexologists and sex educators often draw the cycle of an orgasm as a line chart - making sexual pleasure look more like a financial report than an erotic experience. While arousal and sensations are by no means a linear path - these charts can be useful to draw your attention to the patterns of your arousal. Conventional wisdom says that women need a longer warm-up stage, a smooth and gradual uphill climb towards arousal and orgasm. Once there, women might have several orgasms, the top of their chart looking like a mountain range. Then, a nice downhill descent towards afterglow. Men, it is traditionally believed, have a sharp uphill climb - turned on by just about anything, one dramatic climactic peak and then a sharp fall downhill towards a soft penis and sleep. We've all seen these charts and perhaps experienced a similar arousal pattern. If your arousal and orgasm are indeed a terrain of peaks and valleys - and if you were indeed able to chart your actual arousal, what would that chart look like? Would it be the same time after time, or dramatically different each time? We propose a two-tooled system of exploring your own unique terrain of arousal. First, make a map. Getting to know a familiar path of arousal and climax is an excellent idea. It is a powerful thing to know what turns you on, what kind of touch stimulates you, how to reach climax most reliably, and what kind of afterglow you like best. Once you have it, you can show your map to your lover and give them the confidence to arouse you and satisfy you. Arousal is a journey, an adventure - not a trip to the grocery store. Once you know your "sure thing" orgasm and have your map in your pocket, go off trail. Explore. But bring a GPS! With a GPS, you always know where you are and how to get where you want to go. This allows highway and byway exploring and spontaneous adventure. For sex, your GPS is your awareness and attention. By choosing to pay attention to your arousal, mapping it into new terrain, you can play with new sensations and still know that you can find your way back to arousal and orgasm. You can begin learning new sexual techniques and skills, without the risk of giving up what already works for you. If your lover tries something totally new - like scratching your inner thighs, giving you a foot massage, or (gasp!) suggesting something like prostate massage - you can try something new and simply pay attention. Do you like it? Does it take you closer or further away from climax? Or into another realm all together? Harder or lighter? What if they lightly stroked your thigh instead? What gets you off? What do you NEVER need to try again? Exploring is only fun when you are confident about how to get back home - to your trusted pleasures - when you need to. As you approach orgasm, you can become aware of your own peaks and valleys - are you about to orgasm, what if you back away a bit, breathe deeply, and then begin building sensation again? With awareness and attention, you can explore the infinite variety of arousal and sensation available to you - and never get bored of traveling the same path to orgasm again and again. That map is always there for you should you want a clear and direct route - but for those days you want to travel and see the sites, simply pay attention and begin pioneering the unmapped terrains of your own sexuality. Add Comment We get a lot of great questions from men and women around the world about how to improve their sexual experience. One of the most common questions from men is about how they can learn to control their ejaculations and stay hard longer during sexual experiences. We have worked with hundreds of men on this issue, and have developed proven strategies for delaying ejaculation, last longer in bed, and experiencing more pleasure. These strategies are the key to experiencing male multiple orgasms, and men are always shocked to discover just how much arousal they are capable of experiencing. All men deserve the chance to optimize their sexual experience and become the lover they want to be. That is why we have gathered all of our information, techniques and strategies for mastering ejaculation control into our first Pleasure Mechanics Handbook. It is now available to download as a pdf or for your Kindle or Kindle enabled device from Amazon.com.  Learning massage together will be a crash course in both verbal and non-verbal communication. Most relationship experts say that communication is the lifeblood of a healthy relationship. Massage is a beautiful way to use both language and body to communicate what you are feeling, what you need, and where your boundaries are.
In massage, there is a sense of "just right" - just the right amount of pressure, just the right speed, just the right spots. This is one of massage's greatest pleasures - when your lover touches you in a way that feels "just right" and you can totally relax and savor the touch.
"Just Right" - will change over time, so it is up to both you and your partner to find this place of “just right” through active communication.
In the first stages of learning massage, you will learn to verbally communicate what works and what doesn't - being able to say "That feels great, but it would feel even better with a little more pressure" will make the difference between a good massage and a great massage. Likewise, when you are giving massage, it is essential to begin asking questions like "Will you tell me when this feels just right?" or "Would you like a little more massage on your back before I move on?" Asking these practical questions begins the conversation about physical desires. The translation to the bedroom can be seamless as you develop the skills to ask for exactly the kind of touch you want. We communicate not just with our words, but with our bodies, sounds, touch, gestures. How close you sit on the couch together is a strong communication of your intimacy. Sharing massage and touch is like learning a new language together - it doubles your ability to speak to one another. A simple loving touch can communicate caring, support and compassion. Bringing more attention to your hands and bodies will make clear the areas that you successfully communicate your love and other areas where you may need to evaluate what you are saying to one another with your physical actions. Finding words during a massage or sex is easier for some people than others. Explore communicating your pleasure and wishes with your body movements, gestures and sounds. If your partner is doing something you love, tell them by moaning or sighing. Move your body into their touch. Use your hands and guide them in exactly the kind of touch you want - put your hands over theirs and show them what would feel good. Then, take your hands away and allow them to continue. Use hand gestures and agree ahead of time on what they mean - if you want more pressure, wave them forward. If you want to slow down, use a flat palm. This is a lot like helping someone parallel park - waving frantically means "Come on, you've got lots of space!" but a firm show of the palm means "Stop!" You can develop a whole language with your hands that can give one another very specific information without using a single word. Whenever possible, offer positive feedback. Tell your partner what is feeling good and what they are doing well. "That feels good, could you do it a little softer?" This builds confidence and makes it easier to hear requests for change. If the only time you say anything is negative or demanding, your lover may lose patience. Thanking them and giving them positive feedback as much as you can, with your words, sounds, movements and gestures, will enhance your experience and make it easier for you both to hear the more challenging feedback. Also pay attention to how you phrase these requests - "I hate it when you tickle me like that!" feels really different to hear than "I really enjoy deeper pressure" or "Can you use a firmer stroke, my thighs are really sensitive right there." This communication doesn't always have to happen during massage - sometimes these conversations are more useful after the experience is complete. After every massage, you can ask "What were your favorite parts? What could have made it even better?" In the hours or days after a massage, take the time to thank one another and pay attention to how you are feeling. If something worked or felt particularly good, mention it. "I loved it when you were using such deep pressure on my back, it was really relaxing" Telling your lover what worked highly increases the chances of receiving that same touch in the future - it adds that move to the repertoire of pleasure that you can draw from again and again. As we read through the newly-released sexual survey by Indiana University's Center for Sexual Health Promotion, we are finding many statistics that make us even more committed to sharing our techniques of sexual pleasure. It is clear from the data that while Americans are enjoying a more varied sex life than we were just 20 years ago, there is a lot of room for improvement when it comes to sexual pleasure and fulfillment. Here is one data set that we have a lot to say about: "in all age cohorts, the largest proportion of men and women reported having engaged solely in PVI [Penis-Vaginal Intercourse] (32.9% men, 39.0% women). Contrast that with only about 6% of participants reporting that they combined "partnered masturbation" (what we affectionately refer to as Handjobs and Fingering) with intercourse. To add insult to injury, the study reports that "for women and men, the presence or absence of partnered masturbation was not associated with orgasm." We are dismayed that nearly 40% of women reported intercourse alone with no warm-up or foreplay activities. Solo masturbation, oral sex or stimulation with fingers is an essential part of lovemaking. Intercourse without warm-up can lead to pain during intercourse, lack of lubrication, lack of arousal and inability for the woman to experience an orgasm during intercourse. Most women want and crave more foreplay - so why are all of these couples having intercourse alone with no other arousing activities? We know that, with skill and confidence, stimulation with hands is one of the most reliable ways to bring a woman to orgasm. With your hands, you can stimulate every part of a woman's sexual anatomy, fine-tune your stimulation to match her arousal, create a wide range of sensations and bring women to powerful and multiple orgasms. The hands are the most dexterous and sensitive tools we have to stimulate our lover. Skipping ahead to intercourse without warming up with pleasurable touch is a wasted opportunity - women are much more likely to have orgasms during intercourse if they have already climaxed, or brought very close to climax, before being penetrated. Oral sex is great - but it is even better when it is combined with touch and penetration with skilled fingers. So why does this massive study of 5,865 men and women not reflect the pleasurable potential of the hands? Why are men and women skipping stimulation with their hands all together? How is it that being touched by your lover is not a predictor of orgasm during a sexual encounter? Perhaps it is because our culture has lost the sexual skills of erotic touch. We do not learn how to use our hands to touch our lover, how to bring our lover to multiple orgasms with our hands and fingers. Unless you dedicate thousands of dollars and months of your life to go to massage school, there are few options to learn how to touch with skill. Our video guides are dedicated to sharing what we learned in professional massage training and our somatic sexology certification with men and women all around the world. We believe hands can be powerful tools of pleasure, opening up new realms of arousal and orgasm, if we learn how to use them. We hope that as our erotic techniques spread across the country, more men and women will include erotic touch as part of foreplay and lovemaking - and perhaps the next national survey will have new data to report on the orgasmic potential of Americans. Essential: Clitoral Stimulation Techniques 09/19/2010
For sexual satisfaction and fulfillment, the clitoris is the most important square inch of flesh on the female body. Of course, paying attention to the full body is important - and learning how to touch and pleasure every part of your lover's body is an essential skill in becoming a better lover. But when it comes to female arousal and orgasm, the clitoris is the key. The clitoris has about 8,000 nerve endings - the densest concentration of nerve endings anywhere on the male or female body. The external structure of the clitoris is the most sensitive, but the clitoral body extends deep into the body, and can be stimulated internally. For the vast majority of women, clitoral stimulation is essential for becoming highly aroused and reaching orgasm. Some women love the addition of penetration or anal play (or both!) - but almost all women need their clitoris to be a key component in sexual stimulation. To become a more confident lover and gain mastery over the female orgasm, clitoral stimulation techniques are top priority. But don't get stuck with just one clitoral stimulation method - just because it worked on your last lover doesn't mean every woman will respond! It is far better to be confident with many different ways of stimulating the clitoris, so you can mix it up, surprise your lover with new sensations and stimulate more nerve endings for maximum pleasure. Learning a wide range of clitoral stimulation techniques will allow you to pleasure every woman, every time. Women need a range of stimulation to stay satisfied - which is why our video guide on female pleasure guides you in learning a huge range of clitoral stimulation methods - from gentle warm-ups to highly arousing strokes, from one finger techniques to an exclusive internal-external stimulation technique that touches all parts of the clitoris simultaneously. We know that clitoral pleasure is essential for female sexual fulfillment - so our guide makes the clitoris a priority, in addition to showing ways of pleasuring the entire external vulva as well as internal stimulation techniques. Let us show you how to master clitoral stimulation techniques and much more. Gain the skills and confidence you need to surprise your lover with a wide range of sensations and powerful orgasms. What Are Your Sexual Scripts? 09/09/2010
What are your primary sexual scripts? Most of us have a few scripts that guide the majority of our sexuality. It may be a role or archetype that you try to fit into. It may be a peak sexual experience from the past that you are trying to recreate. Our sexual scripts are informed by and in relationship to the culture we live in. Ever since we were born, we have heard stories, seen movies and witnessed sexual scripts all around us. Most of us can recall a scene from a movie that permanently shaped our sexual development - a scene that effected us so deeply that we try to emulate it, or capture the emotions of that Hollywood scene. TV shows, rock stars, books, and celebrities can all serve as fodder for the development of our own unique sexual scripts. For some people, sexual scripts are heavily influenced by our family life - either trying to live up to our parents model or trying hard not to recreate our parent's failed marriage. Most people have a sense of what a man "should" be like - handsome, successful, powerful, muscular, charming, funny, daring. . . the list of "shoulds" goes on and on. We also have a story about what kind of partner we "should" love and what that relationship "should" be like. Against this cultural background, our own sexual scripts are formed early in life and many of us never even notice that our relationships begin playing out like rehearsals, trying to fit ourselves and our potential lovers into roles that will satisfy us. With the easy accessibility of pornography online, we can narrow our sexual turn-ons into the most specific category as we wish - you can easily find a site of red headed cheerleaders if that is what turns you on. Or librarians with glasses. Online, it is easy to peruse page after page of explicit images and videos and discover new turn-ons - and yet many people stay within a narrow range of stimulation, living out their scripts in fantasy as well as in their real life. Our sexual scripts are not just about roles, romance and relationships. We all have sexual scripts hardwired into our bodies - ways of being touched or touching ourselves that are our quickest routes to orgasm. Some of these scripts begin with childhood masturbation - if you masturbated under the constant threat of parental discovery and punishment, you may masturbate quickly and quietly long into adulthood, even when you have your own place and can be as loud as you wish. Most of us masturbate in basically the same way every time, or have sex with our partner using the same sequence of events. The "porn classic" of a few seconds of kissing, followed by sucking on the female nipples, leading quickly to oral sex as a warm up for intercourse is one of the more common sexual scripts that couples find themselves repeating again and again. Our bodies respond to repetition. This can be a good thing, providing a sure way to get aroused quickly and providing a direct path to climax. But these patterns can also be too dependable, landing us in a sexual rut that is too much of a sure thing to try anything new. Scripts can be comforting and useful - if we are truly in touch with who we are and what we desire, it can be comforting to stay within your self-determined script and seek satisfaction. The problem is many of us never take the time to examine our sexual scripts and ask if we are truly being fulfilled, or if a wider range of pleasure is possible. We do the same sex acts over and over again, with the same fantasy in our heads, and then wonder why we are still disatisfied and unfulfilled. By examining your arousal patterns, you can map more consciously that which turns you on. If you choose, you can begin paying attention to a wider range of stimulation and arousal so you can feel even more pleasure. You don't have to give anything up - your major turn ons and desires can still play a large role in your sexuality. But by widening the sense of what is possible, and taking a close look at your routines, you can enjoy a wider range of relationships and pleasures, and possibly discover something even more satisfying.  4/15/11 Update: For an extensive guide on edging techniques and ejaculation control, check out our new ebook! Handbook On Ejaculation Control One common technique to prolong arousal and increase sexual pleasure is called "edging." Edging involves paying attention to your level of arousal, and developing your ability to know when you are getting close to orgasm. When you approach orgasm, you tone down stimulation or stop touching yourself and practice riding that edge - staying just under the threshold of orgasm. If you want to prolong your arousal and delay ejaculation, edging is a technique to explore. Some people find this technique to be both effective and pleasurable, prolonging arousal and building up sensation towards a more intense orgasm. Other people get frustrated and don't like the sensation of constantly "holding back" orgasm. Try it for yourself and see how it feels. Our video guide on handjob techniques will guide you through the strokes and strategies to create maximum pleasure while exploring the edging technique. In masturbation, edging can be a really useful exploration, bringing your awareness to your arousal and experimenting with what it feels like to ride that edge of climax. You can experiment with different rhythms of stimulation, breathing techniques and body movements and learn about your arousal cycle. All of this self-knowledge can then be brought to your lover and contribute to a richer partnered sex life. Explore edging with a partner if you want in-depth practice of communication. As your partner stimulates you towards climax, both of you then must become aware of your body and arousal - communicate about how close you are feeling and explore the sensation of staying just on the edge of orgasm. Can your partner feel the tiny contractions of the pelvic muscles that precede orgasm? Can your partner hear your breath changing, notice the shift in your moans, or detect other signs of climax in your body? Explore ways to keep your arousal high, while incorporating more full body touch. Playing with maintaining arousal with a partner can be a great way to learn about one another, discover new techniques and learn to pay attention and communicate with both precision and passion.  There are many options for massage oil - from heavily scented oil blends available at health-food stores to the olive oil in your kitchen cabinet. Any natural oil can be used for massage - and in a pinch, olive oil is actually a great choice. But few people find the scent of EVOO to be relaxing or arousing. Organic almond oil is one of the best choices for full body massage. Almond oil is light and silky. It stays slick for a long time, but absorbs into the skin beautifully. Unlike other oils, almond oil doesn't leave your skin feeling greasy. Virtually scentless, almond oil is a great choice for those who don't like scented oils - or you can add a drop or two of your favorite essential oil for a custom aromatherapy experience. Naked Organic Massage Oil from Babeland is a great choice for bedside massage oil. We were sent a bottle from our friends at Babeland, and we were very pleased with the quality of this massage oil. The 5.25 ounce bottle is a great value at $13 - one of the best prices for organic almond oil I was able to find online. This sleek bottle is the perfect size to keep next to your bed. Plunge the entire bottle in a big glass of hot water to warm the oil on chilly nights. Reach for this oil any time you want to offer your lover a few minutes of relaxing full body massage. You'll find it the perfect oil to keep your strokes gliding smoothly, allowing you to sink into your lover's body and offer soothing, pleasurable touch. Do keep in mind that latex condoms are not oil-friendly. So if you've been using massage oil to warm one another up, make sure to wash your hands thoroughly before putting the condom on - and switch to a silicone or water-based lubricant for erotic touch of the penis, vulva or anus. If you are not using condoms, you can use oils as sexual lubricant if you wish, or switch to a sexual lubricant. As you know, we believe full body massage can be part of everyone's sex life - and great massage needs great oil. Check out Babeland's Naked Organic Massage Oil and see just how pleasurable a few minutes of full body touch can be! What Does Your Orgasm Sound Like? 05/17/2010
How much noise do you make during sex? The bed squeaking doesn't count - how much noise do you make?  Many of us learned our arousal patterns while masturbating as a youth - and a lot of us had to be absolutely quiet for fear of discovery. This arousal pattern of silent enjoyment can stick with people well into adulthood. People are quiet for other reasons - they don't want the neighbors to hear, or they are worried they will sound silly, or they don't want to sound like a porn star. Notice how much noise you do or don't make during both partnered sex and masturbation. Also notice your response when your partner makes noise - do you find it a turn-on or do you get embarrassed? Making noise is pleasurable for a few reasons. First, noise serves as an important communication to your partner during sex. If you are getting highly aroused by a particular stroke or sensation, letting them know with your noise can tell them to keep it up without having to use words. While words like "Yes, yes" can be easy enough to say during high arousal, sometimes words are lost to us and moans and grunts are a more natural way to speak to your lover. Making noise also requires you to open your throat and mouth. Sensations flow up and down your body, from the point of contact (for example, your genitals) to your brain, where those signals are interpreted as pleasurable. If your shoulders, neck and throat are constricted, you will feel less sensation in the rest of your body. Making noise is a sure way to begin to relax your neck and allow the free flow of sensations through your entire body. Finally, noise lets you tap into the more primal, animal side of sexual expression. All too often, people stay polite during sex. Sex is one of the few parts of our life where we can let go, release ourselves of social niceties and feel our body in a raw, instinctual, ancient relationship with pleasure. This letting go requires trusting your partner and letting go of shame and guilt that might make you hold back. But if you can surrender and let yourself be a little more wild, a little more bestial - then you can tap into tons of pleasure and find sex to be all the more relaxing. Especially for people who have to be professional, polite, and contained in the rest of their life, losing control, opening your mouth and grunting, groaning, moaning and screaming your pleasure during sex can be incredibly satisfying. Noise during sex doesn't sound like a porn movie- those scripted high-pitched moans are not what everyone's authentic pleasure sounds like. Making noise feels best when it is a real expression of your pleasure - so don't try to hard, just let noise emit from your throat. Begin by making a sound on the exhale. A slight moan, a little grunt - just focus on your breathing and make a little noise each time you exhale. Don't overthink it. Let the sound build with your arousal - if something feels especially good, let your partner know with louder or prolonged sounds. Encourage your partner to make sounds as well and see how it shifts your experience of sex. From the low animal grunts to high operatic arias, sex noises can be your own personal soundtrack of pleasure. Full Body Orgasms : Fact or Fiction? 05/13/2010
When you get aroused, where do you feel it? What parts of your body light up with sensation and energy when you climax? For most people, the genitals are the focus of both arousal and orgasm. We feel sensation where we are being stimulated and where we are paying attention. Most of us choose to focus primarily (or exclusively) on the genitals during sex. We have been culturally trained to narrow this focus on the genitals, to be as sure as possible we will reach climax. There is a scarcity mentality around orgasm - a goal-oriented way of thinking that makes us desperate to have an orgasm when we can, just in case another opportunity doesn't come around soon enough. By paying attention only to genital sensation, we develop a pattern of "balloon sex" - we squeeze all of our sensation and focus into a small part of our body, blowing it up until it pops. Often, the whole body tenses up to concentrate sensation - our legs go stiff, our back and arms contract, our faces sometimes even tense up as we approach orgasm. We try and squeeze every last drop of sensation out of our genitals as we can. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with this approach - it can lead to very strong genital sensations and orgasms. It does, however, limit the amount of sensation you can feel in the rest of your body. Alternatively, you can build up arousal, and consciously relax your body, breathing deeply, and allow erotic sensations to flow through the entire body. Using full body touch while simultaneously stimulating the genitals (remember, between you and your partner you have four hands available for stimulation!) can increase the full-body sensation. Some people report that using this technique they feel orgasmic sensation stream through their entire body - they shudder and shake, feel vibrations of pleasure from head to toe. Have you ever experienced what you would call a "full body orgasm?" Tell us about it! What techniques helped get you there? | Download To Own
|
RSS Feed
