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How much noise do you make during sex? The bed squeaking doesn't count - how much noise do you make?

Many of us learned our arousal patterns while masturbating as a youth - and a lot of us had to be absolutely quiet for fear of discovery. This arousal pattern of silent enjoyment can stick with people well into adulthood.

People are quiet for other reasons - they don't want the neighbors to hear, or they are worried they will sound silly, or they don't want to sound like a porn star. Notice how much noise you do or don't make during both partnered sex and masturbation. Also notice your response when your partner makes noise - do you find it a turn-on or do you get embarrassed?

Making noise is pleasurable for a few reasons. First, noise serves as an important communication to your partner during sex. If you are getting highly aroused by a particular stroke or sensation, letting them know with your noise can tell them to keep it up without having to use words. While words like "Yes, yes" can be easy enough to say during high arousal, sometimes words are lost to us and moans and grunts are a more natural way to speak to your lover.

Making noise also requires you to open your throat and mouth. Sensations flow up and down your body, from the point of contact (for example, your genitals) to your brain, where those signals are interpreted as pleasurable. If your shoulders, neck and throat are constricted, you will feel less sensation in the rest of your body. Making noise is a sure way to begin to relax your neck and allow the free flow of sensations through your entire body.

Finally, noise lets you tap into the more primal, animal side of sexual expression. All too often, people stay polite during sex. Sex is one of the few parts of our life where we can let go, release ourselves of social niceties and feel our body in a raw, instinctual, ancient relationship with pleasure.

This letting go requires trusting your partner and letting go of shame and guilt that might make you hold back. But if you can surrender and let yourself be a little more wild, a little more bestial - then you can tap into tons of pleasure and find sex to be all the more relaxing. Especially for people who have to be professional, polite, and contained in the rest of their life, losing control, opening your mouth and grunting, groaning, moaning and screaming your pleasure during sex can be incredibly satisfying.

Noise during sex doesn't sound like a porn movie- those scripted high-pitched moans are not what everyone's authentic pleasure sounds like. Making noise feels best when it is a real expression of your pleasure - so don't try to hard, just let noise emit from your throat. Begin by making a sound on the exhale. A slight moan, a little grunt - just focus on your breathing and make a little noise each time you exhale. Don't overthink it. Let the sound build with your arousal - if something feels especially good, let your partner know with louder or prolonged sounds. Encourage your partner to make sounds as well and see how it shifts your experience of sex. From the low animal grunts to high operatic arias, sex noises can be your own personal soundtrack of pleasure.

In yesterday's Savage Love podcast, sex columnist Dan Savage coined a new sex idiom and is encouraging us all to use it as much as possible - "Lifting the luggage."  Dan Savage is a master of coining new sex terminology - and some stick, such as the term "pegging" for a woman anally penetrating a man with a strap-on. Pegging has stuck because it is a useful term for a sex act that is gaining popularity and more men are naming their desire for anal play. But "lifting the luggage?"
 
Earlier this week, the Miami New Times broke the story of anti-gay activist George Rekers coming home from a vacation with a young gay male prostitute. He found the escort on the gay website RentBoy.com and spent a 10 day vacation in Europe with the young man. When asked by the press about their relationship, professional bigot George Rekers said he didn't know about the sexual nature of the escort service and hired the boy to help "lift his luggage." Of course, the photos snapped by the newspaper show the older and self-claimed injured Rekers pushing the luggage cart! Read the Miami New Times article for the savory details.
 
So enters the term "lifting the luggage" as the new euphemism for sexual activity. We don't know what George and his young male escort did or did not do on their European holiday together. But George Rekers certainly had some heavy baggage to deal with: Shame and Guilt.

Shame and Guilt are toxic emotions that get in the way of living an authentic, healthy sex life. We all suffer the effects of shame and guilt to some degree - none of us are immune from living in our shared sexual culture that denigrates sexuality and erotic expression.

But some of us are so weighed down by the baggage (er - luggage) of Shame and Guilt (and their sidekick, Fear) that we self-destruct. Shame can be a completely debilitating force, creating a lifetime of self-denial, self-hatred and dishonesty with ourselves and those we love.

George Rekers has built an entire career on advocating for Shame and Fear. His book "Shaping Your Child's Sexual Identity" and his political platform are part of the "cure the gays" movement that encourages parents to discipline homosexual behavior out of their children. His work at the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality, or NARTH, is part of the troubling and continuing trend to promote the idea that people can pray their gay away.

His escapades with a young male escort indicate that this work stems from shame and guilt about his own desires for men. This is not the first case of the most bigoted homophobic people being exposed in a gay sex scandal.

Clearly, we at the Pleasure Mechanics disagree with Reker's anti-gay platform. We find targeting anxious parents a cowardice act. But we also have sympathy and compassion for George Rekers, and hope that this incident helps him unpack his own baggage of the lifetime of shame and guilt. He did not create sexual shame. He is simply perpetuating it.

We all have baggage when it comes to sex. We all suffer from Shame, Guilt and Fear to some degree. Our work here at the Pleasure Mechanics is dedicated to the vision of a world where all adults are sexually satisfied and fulfilled. To reach this goal, we all need to confront our own Shame, Guilt and Fear and work together to create a culture that celebrates the gifts of human sexuality.

George Rekers, we wish you healing and integration of your desires. We hope you will stop projecting your own shame onto parents and others in the Christian community.

Dan Savage, we salute you for coining yet another term into our shared sexual culture, and for your work in alleviating the Shame and Guilt of millions.

So next time you are "lifting the luggage" - alone or with a lover - notice if your bags are weighed down by shame or guilt. See if you can lighten the load by honoring your sexuality and your desires, and letting go of one little ounce of these toxic emotions.