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In yesterday's Savage Love podcast, sex columnist Dan Savage coined a new sex idiom and is encouraging us all to use it as much as possible - "Lifting the luggage."  Dan Savage is a master of coining new sex terminology - and some stick, such as the term "pegging" for a woman anally penetrating a man with a strap-on. Pegging has stuck because it is a useful term for a sex act that is gaining popularity and more men are naming their desire for anal play. But "lifting the luggage?"
 
Earlier this week, the Miami New Times broke the story of anti-gay activist George Rekers coming home from a vacation with a young gay male prostitute. He found the escort on the gay website RentBoy.com and spent a 10 day vacation in Europe with the young man. When asked by the press about their relationship, professional bigot George Rekers said he didn't know about the sexual nature of the escort service and hired the boy to help "lift his luggage." Of course, the photos snapped by the newspaper show the older and self-claimed injured Rekers pushing the luggage cart! Read the Miami New Times article for the savory details.
 
So enters the term "lifting the luggage" as the new euphemism for sexual activity. We don't know what George and his young male escort did or did not do on their European holiday together. But George Rekers certainly had some heavy baggage to deal with: Shame and Guilt.

Shame and Guilt are toxic emotions that get in the way of living an authentic, healthy sex life. We all suffer the effects of shame and guilt to some degree - none of us are immune from living in our shared sexual culture that denigrates sexuality and erotic expression.

But some of us are so weighed down by the baggage (er - luggage) of Shame and Guilt (and their sidekick, Fear) that we self-destruct. Shame can be a completely debilitating force, creating a lifetime of self-denial, self-hatred and dishonesty with ourselves and those we love.

George Rekers has built an entire career on advocating for Shame and Fear. His book "Shaping Your Child's Sexual Identity" and his political platform are part of the "cure the gays" movement that encourages parents to discipline homosexual behavior out of their children. His work at the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality, or NARTH, is part of the troubling and continuing trend to promote the idea that people can pray their gay away.

His escapades with a young male escort indicate that this work stems from shame and guilt about his own desires for men. This is not the first case of the most bigoted homophobic people being exposed in a gay sex scandal.

Clearly, we at the Pleasure Mechanics disagree with Reker's anti-gay platform. We find targeting anxious parents a cowardice act. But we also have sympathy and compassion for George Rekers, and hope that this incident helps him unpack his own baggage of the lifetime of shame and guilt. He did not create sexual shame. He is simply perpetuating it.

We all have baggage when it comes to sex. We all suffer from Shame, Guilt and Fear to some degree. Our work here at the Pleasure Mechanics is dedicated to the vision of a world where all adults are sexually satisfied and fulfilled. To reach this goal, we all need to confront our own Shame, Guilt and Fear and work together to create a culture that celebrates the gifts of human sexuality.

George Rekers, we wish you healing and integration of your desires. We hope you will stop projecting your own shame onto parents and others in the Christian community.

Dan Savage, we salute you for coining yet another term into our shared sexual culture, and for your work in alleviating the Shame and Guilt of millions.

So next time you are "lifting the luggage" - alone or with a lover - notice if your bags are weighed down by shame or guilt. See if you can lighten the load by honoring your sexuality and your desires, and letting go of one little ounce of these toxic emotions.

Arousal, Erection, Orgasm and Ejaculation are often considered to be a package deal for men: you can't have one without the other. To enjoy more sexual pleasure and erotic freedom, it is essential to dismantle this myth and understand these events to be complementary experiences that may come in any combination.

Arousal: An experience of sexual stimulation and pleasure, visual, tactile or otherwise. Can be brief or prolonged, sought-out or spontaneous. The dictionary definition of "arouse" is "to evoke or awaken."  This definition reminds us that arousal awakens the erotic part of us that is always within us, a part of our very being. Stimulation from any number of sources can awaken this energy, bringing our attention more fully to our sexuality and desires.

Erection: A physical response, in which the penis is engorged with blood and becomes more rigid. Both men and women have erectile tissue in their genitals, and both men and women can experience erections. Erection pulls the skin of the genitals more taut around the shaft of the penis or clitoris, exposing more nerve endings and heightening sensation. Contrary to popular "blue balls" myth, erections can come and go painlessly - and "losing" an erection does not need to end a sexual encounter. Erections are also not an on/off switch - most men experience a range of erectile stages, each with their own pleasures. Our cultural obsession with erectile disorder has the uninvited effect of making many men ashamed of becoming less erect, even if they are highly aroused. This sometimes ends sexual encounters prematurely, shaming both partners and causing resentment. Embracing all stages of erection - including the aroused but not erect penis- can greatly extend sexual pleasure and take the pressure off men to be constantly hard when aroused.

Orgasm: A climax of sexual excitement, marked in men and women by involuntary contractions of the pelvic muscles and an intense sensation of pleasure. Both men and women can experience one or more orgasms in any given sexual event, with or without ejaculation. Most people experience a building of sexual excitement towards a threshold, and  a "point of inevitability" at which orgasm is imminent. Orgasms can range from mild to wild, quick to long lasting, serene to bestial.

Ejaculation: The release of sexual fluids from the urethra, usually (but not always) during sexual excitement. Ejaculate is a combination of several components - fluid from the prostate and other glands, and (in men only) sperm.  The contractions of the pelvic muscle help propel the ejaculate fluid out of the body.

There is a lot of fuss about ejaculation in the sex education world: men want to learn how to withhold ejaculation, and women want to learn how to ejaculate. Both goals are seen as markers of enlightenment or sophistication. It is our position that ejaculation is just one of the many pleasurable options for sexual climax, and is neither more nor less advanced that non-ejaculatory orgasms. Some traditions discourage frequent ejaculation, citing the emission of precious fluids as depleting to overall health and vitality. You are the best expert on your own  body - experiment and pay attention to how you feel. Does ejaculation make you feel tired, or energize you? Does getting aroused without having an orgasm keep you erotically charged all day, or create frustration?

Enjoy the process of discovering these four distinct and pleasurable processes in your body! Have any questions about arousal, erection, orgasm or ejaculation? Leave a comment or Contact Us and we'll do you best to answer your questions!

Like other muscles, the muscles of the pelvic floor can be toned and trained. The pelvic muscles can be strengthened over time, and stronger muscles are capable of stronger contractions, so you can experience stronger orgasms.

A regular practice of pelvic clenches will create a more powerful sensation during arousal and climax. Strengthening these muscles is essential for more sexual pleasure and to maintain your sexual health.

You may have heard pelvic clenches be called Kegels, after Dr. Arnold Kegel, who in 1948 wrote about the sexual health benefits of toning the muscles of the pelvic floor.  Clenches are widely endorsed by midwives, doctors, and sex educators alike and are a major practice in the traditions of Tantra and Taoism.

Some describe the Kegel as clenching the muscle you would use to stop the flow of urine. This may be a helpful place to begin finding the muscles of the pelvic floor - but in reality the muscles that start and stops the flow of urine is only one small part of the entire pelvic floor. You can strengthen and tone this entire web of muscles using various exercises for pelvic floor strength. Over time, you'll be able to isolate distinct groups of muscles.

For now, just focus on awakening as much of this musculature as you can identify, and clenching the entire group of muscles together. Begin practicing clenches on your own until they feel effortless. Then try integrating them into lovemaking - clench around your partner's finger or penis. Clenching during arousal is more difficult, but can lead to wonderful peaks of sensation.

Be sure to completely relax after clenching. Relaxation is just as important of a sexual skill: if you can consciously relax muscles as you approach climax, you can prolong your arousal and delay ejaculation, allowing for longer lovemaking and more full body sensation.

Using a vaginal barbell or weighted pelvic exerciser may help you strengthen your pelvic muscles. Barbells provide something to squeeze against, providing a bit of resistance to intensify the benefits of your clenches. But you don't need a tool to get started - just identify your PC muscles and squeeze!

Here is a comparison of two different pelvic exercisers provided to us for review by the good folks at BetterSex.com They offer a whole range of kegel exercisers to support your sexual health

The Isis is a beginner pelvic exerciser, weighing in at just over 2 ounces. The light pink lucite hourglass shape is very friendly for beginners. This light toy won't provide much resistance, but it does give you something to practice clenching around. Just having something inserted will help you feel the movement of the muscles as you clench and release, so you can be sure you are getting effective results from your practice.

Betty Dodson's barbell is much heavier at nearly a pound, and may be better suited to women who already enjoy a regular practice of pelvic clenches. The heft of this toy can't be ignored - once inserted inside, the pelvic muscles begin responding right away just to keep it in place! The ultimate test of your pelvic strength is to stand up, insert this barbell and then try to clench and release without dropping it from the mighty grip of your vaginal muscles. Try to keep this stainless steel barbell firmly gripped while fluttering your pelvic floor muscles.

A regular practice of pelvic clenches, with or without a barbell, will enhance your sexual response and support lifelong sexual health. Enjoy the process of toning your pelvic musculature - many women find that the clenches alone create a very arousing response!

Men's sexuality is not as simple as our culture likes to believe.

The common myth is that men are easily turned on by just about anything, always ready for a sexual encounter, and can get hard and get off with little effort or skill.

Women's sexuality is seen as complicated and mysterious - men's overt and obvious. Thankfully, it is not that simple.

Men have a wide range of pleasure available to them, with a huge range of sex acts that can be exciting and satisfying.

Sure, with a little focus and fantasy many men can get aroused and ejaculate with genital stimulation.

But this does not let their partners off the hook - learning more skills to stimulate the male sexual system pays off in dividends - allowing men to experience prolonged arousal, stronger orgasms, powerful ejaculations and multiple orgasms.

Developing fabulous handjob techniques is the perfect way to begin exploring the fuller range of male sexual pleasure. Not only will you learn how to create more sensation, but you'll be able to tell when he is close to ejaculation, and soon you'll be responding with subtle adjustments to your touch so his pleasure can last longer, build up to stronger orgasms and play with ejaculation control.  

This morning we found this comment on our YouTube channel under the preview video for our Guide to Prostate Massage:

"can't you tear the anus wall with your nails going in and out like that? looks kinda dangerous in a way"

This kind of fear is precisely the reason we made these guides. Anal stimulation (for both men and women) never has to be painful or dangerous. It can be 100% pleasurable, 100% of the time.

Our response:

"If the butt is relaxed after lots of external touch (which is demonstrated in the guide) then the in and out strokes are not dangerous. Of course, nicely trimmed nails and plenty of lube will help keep everything smooth and pleasurable. The tissues of the anus and rectum are actually quite flexible - but can be damaged if the area is not completely relaxed. Prostate play NEVER should be painful, it can be 100% pleasurable!"

Many people avoid anal stimulation out of fear of pain or injury. Usually this is becuase they have either watched porn that depicts anal sex as a fast, hard and deep penetration with no warm-up or they have tried anal sex before and found it painful.

Without proper warm-up and relaxation, anal stimulation can be uncomfortable, painful or even dangerous. But with lots of relaxing warm-up and arousing external touch, internal stimulation can be highly pleasurable. It may even be the most pleasurable sex act for some people, especially when combined with stimulation of the genitals.

Our guides to Prostate Massage and Anal Play for women are designed to show you how to enjoy pleasurable, pain-free anal play. Let us know if you have any more questions about how to keep it fun, arousing and 100% pleasurable.

When we touch our lover, we often assume what will feel good without really checking in with our lover about what kind of touch they like best.

We are all subjected to cultural sex scripts, and when we find ourselves in a sexual encounter it can be easy to try to emulate what we have seen. For people who have watched a lot of porn, those scripts can override our better judgment- porn usually portrays women responding favorably to direct nipple stimulation and rough touch, so that must feel good to most women, right?

Or, we project what we want onto our lover's body. If we really like feather light touch on our arms, we may offer this touch to our lover, before realizing that they are ticklish and this is actually unpleasant to them.

This tendency to project our desires onto our lovers can be a useful tool.  If you are giving a lot of soft tender touch, maybe that is what you are craving. If you are feeling like being rough, ask for it rather than doing it.

Asking for what you want rather than assuming it is what your lover wants is a major step in fully owning your desires. And when one partner can ask clearly for what they want, it opens the dialogue and gives both partners the opportunity to be more specific about what kinds of touch and pleasure they are craving.

How do you know what kind of touch your lover wants? What forms of communication, verbal or non-verbal, do you use to learn about your lover's desires?

We just saw this video and had to comment!

If flatulence is the biggest problem in your marriage bed, this $120 solution may be for you.

But from our conversations with thousands of couples over the years, the occasional fart is not the problem in their marriage bed. Lack of intimacy, sexual connection, and pleasure is what drives most marriages apart. Our conversations with individuals and couples is our motivation behind the work we do - teaching the techniques of sexual pleasure so lovers can touch one another with more confidence, and men and women can experience more pleasure, orgasms and intimacy.

If the occasional fart is your biggest problem in bed - the Better Marriage Blanket may be the solution for you. If lack of sexual fulfillment is the real issue, there are sexier (and more affordable) solutions that will truly build a better marriage.

Why do so many of us have so little pleasure in our everyday lives?
Why are adults getting locked into stress - literally - and unable to relax?

We believe that we are not taught how to prioritize pleasure. Adults need to learn how to take time to enjoy themselves, how to relax and let their body feel pleasure.

Many people in loving relationships rush through life without taking time to feel pleasure with their lover - then wonder why the relationship goes astray after years with very little shared pleasures.

If you are in a relationship, take the time to say hello to your lover's body every day. After a busy day of work, it can be all too easy to rush into the evening without properly greeting your lover, as your lover. When you come home, find some time to cuddle up, sink into a long hug, or kiss.

A little bit of touch can go a long way - even if dinner needs to be prepared or there are bills to be paid. If your evening hours are normally spent watching TV together, get a little closer on the couch or exchange foot massage.

Bringing more pleasure, more touch, and more intimacy into your life is a daily practice- it takes a daily commitment to take a few moments (or a few hours!) to touch and be touched, love and be loved.

What would the world look like if all adults were sexually satisfied?

Are you willing to work towards that vision, starting with your own body and those you love?

Our work is dedicated to teaching men, women and couples how to enjoy more sexual pleasure and fulfillment.

One of the reasons we love digital media is the incredible ability to teach sexual pleasure techniques all around the world.

Our download-to-own video guides are now available, teaching erotic touch skills on lifelike replicas. You can learn new sexual skills in the privacy of your own home - we make it easy to learn so you can turn off the videos and turn on your lover.

Some of my best memories of being a student at Vassar include sex toys. I remember teaching women in my dorm about vibrators, all crowded in our little dorm room for a lesson on the range of bullet vibes, battery operated vibrators, and the "cadillac of vibrators" the Hitatchi magic wand.  We also ran sex toy auctions, flooding the campus with a variety of toys, and I even took trips to New York City to buy sex toys with friends.

At the SQUIRM conference, I was happy to be the sex toy santa for the weekend, bringing up a wonderful selection of toys and products from the good folks at www.BetterSex.com The students were so excited - gathering around to ooh and aah over the vibrators, lubes, books and videos. Each student had their favorites - one member of the SQUIRM staff fell in love with a Rabbit Vibrator and another was eager to watch the DVDs, especially the oral sex video. The toys will be auctioned off on campus to raise funds to publish the campus sex magazine, and the students were really grateful from the support from the Sinclair Institute.

One of the ongoing themes from the conference was the relationship between the student run campus sex magazines and the larger sex positive community. Sex toy companies, adult sex educators and sex-positive activists can all look to these student groups to learn about the future of sex culture - and we can in turn support them by making sure they have the resources they need to continue publishing campus sex magazines and shaping the sex culture of their own campus, one vibe at a time.