Pleasure Mechanics

     What are your primary sexual scripts? Most of us have a few scripts that guide the majority of our sexuality. It may be a role or archetype that you try to fit into. It may be a peak sexual experience from the past that you are trying to recreate. Our sexual scripts are informed by and in relationship to the culture we live in. Ever since we were born, we have heard stories, seen movies and witnessed sexual scripts all around us.

     Most of us can recall a scene from a movie that permanently shaped our sexual development - a scene that effected us so deeply that we try to emulate it, or capture the emotions of that Hollywood scene. TV shows, rock stars, books, and celebrities can all serve as fodder for the development of our own unique sexual scripts. For some people, sexual scripts are heavily influenced by our family life - either trying to live up to our parents model or trying hard not to recreate our parent's failed marriage. Most people have a sense of what a man "should" be like - handsome, successful, powerful, muscular, charming, funny, daring. . . the list of "shoulds" goes on and on. We also have a story about what kind of partner we "should" love and what that relationship "should" be like.

    Against this cultural background, our own sexual scripts are formed early in life and many of us never even notice that our relationships begin playing out like rehearsals, trying to fit ourselves and our potential lovers into roles that will satisfy us. With the easy accessibility of pornography online, we can narrow our sexual turn-ons into the most specific category as we wish - you can easily find a site of red headed cheerleaders if that is what turns you on. Or librarians with glasses. Online, it is easy to peruse page after page of explicit images and videos and discover new turn-ons - and yet many people stay within a narrow range of stimulation, living out their scripts in fantasy as well as in their real life.

    Our sexual scripts are not just about roles, romance and relationships. We all have sexual scripts hardwired into our bodies - ways of being touched or touching ourselves that are our quickest routes to orgasm. Some of these scripts begin with childhood masturbation - if you masturbated under the constant threat of parental discovery and punishment, you may masturbate quickly and quietly long into adulthood, even when you have your own place and can be as loud as you wish. Most of us masturbate in basically the same way every time, or have sex with our partner using the same sequence of events. The "porn classic" of a few seconds of kissing, followed by sucking on the female nipples, leading quickly to oral sex as a warm up for intercourse is one of the more common sexual scripts that couples find themselves repeating again and again. Our bodies respond to repetition. This can be a good thing, providing a sure way to get aroused quickly and providing a direct path to climax. But these patterns can also be too dependable, landing us in a sexual rut that is too much of a sure thing to try anything new.   

    Scripts can be comforting and useful - if we are truly in touch with who we are and what we desire, it can be comforting to stay within your self-determined script and seek satisfaction. The problem is many of us never take the time to examine our sexual scripts and ask if we are truly being fulfilled, or if a wider range of pleasure is possible. We do the same sex acts over and over again, with the same fantasy in our heads, and then wonder why we are still disatisfied and unfulfilled.

    By examining your arousal patterns, you can map more consciously that which turns you on. If you choose, you can begin paying attention to a wider range of stimulation and arousal so you can feel even more pleasure. You don't have to give anything up - your major turn ons and desires can still play a large role in your sexuality. But by widening the sense of what is possible, and taking a close look at your routines, you can enjoy a wider range of relationships and pleasures, and possibly discover something even more satisfying.

Is there an imaginary scoreboard above your bed? Many couples act as if they need to stay "even" when it comes to giving and receiving pleasure. Yet, reciprocity is not a one-for-one exchange. It is important to make sure both of your needs and desires are being acknowledged, but you may also find that there is a natural balance within your relationship, or phases of your relationship, that are not "equal." Balance does not have to be symmetrical.

What is essential is to check in with yourself and one another and make sure you are not developing any resentment about how much pleasure one person is receiving and how much stimulation the other is giving. If you are both satisfied and fulfilled by your sex life, that is indeed an accomplishment of a harmonious balance.

We have been offering our sexual technique video guides as download-to-own videos - so that you have immediate access to new sexual skills in the privacy of your own home. Download once, own for life! We have been thrilled to bring these guides to men and women in over 45 countries all around the world.

Due to popular demand, we have now made these same video guides available on DVD through Amazon.com! This allows customers to have a "hard copy" of the videos, and we love offering our dear customers even more choice and flexibility! It is great to see the 5 star reviews starting to come in, and we look forward to bringing our next video guides to you in both download-to-own and DVD formats, so more folks around the world can enjoy even more pleasurable erotic touch.  

Babeland's Body Massage Candle is a lovely addition to a sensual evening of massage at home with your lover. Made of soy wax and shea butter, this candle is designed to melt down into a pool of warm massage oil. Light the candle, give it a few minutes, then slowly pour or drip the thick luxurious oil onto your lover's skin. Unlike wax, this oil is the perfect temperature to provide a thrilling and sexy sensation, but not hot enough to burn even the most sensitive skin. Then, you have a pool of oil ready to be massaged into the skin for a lasting glow.

We love the concept of massage candles - we support anything that encourages lovers to exchange massage, exploring one another's body and creating full body relaxation and pleasure! Our only critique of Babeland's Massage Candle is the scent - our friends at Babeland sent us a candle in the Pashmina scent to try out . The scent is delicious but very strong - and while some people may love this musky addition to their erotic explorations, we wish this candle was also available in an unscented variety so those of us who prefer less perfume could still enjoy the warmth and luxury of the candles.

We definitely recommend you give Babeland's Body Massage Candles a try - in your choice of scents (ranging from Mango Vanilla to Citron Fig) This could be a fabulous way to surprise your lover - have the candle burning by the bed, begin playfully touching your lover, flip them over and then delight them with the incredibly sexy feeling of warm oil pouring onto their skin. At $6 for the small candle and $14 for the large candle, this is a very affordable luxury that can be used as often as you wish to add more sensuality and pleasure to your relationship.

We be that massage is absolutely the best foreplay - so why not take it to the next level with a Massage Candle?

There are many options for massage oil - from heavily scented oil blends available at health-food stores to the olive oil in your kitchen cabinet. Any natural oil can be used for massage - and in a pinch, olive oil is actually a great choice. But few people find the scent of EVOO to be relaxing or arousing.

Organic almond oil is one of the best choices for full body massage. Almond oil is light and silky. It stays slick for a long time, but absorbs into the skin beautifully. Unlike other oils, almond oil doesn't leave your skin feeling greasy. Virtually scentless, almond oil is a great choice for those who don't like scented oils - or you can add a drop or two of your favorite essential oil for a custom aromatherapy experience.

Naked Organic Massage Oil from Babeland is a great choice for bedside massage oil. We were sent a bottle from our friends at Babeland, and we were very pleased with the quality of this massage oil. The 5.25 ounce bottle is a great value at $13 - one of the best prices for organic almond oil I was able to find online. This sleek bottle is the perfect size to keep next to your bed. Plunge the entire bottle in a big glass of hot water to warm the oil on chilly nights. Reach for this oil any time you want to offer your lover a few minutes of relaxing full body massage. You'll find it the perfect oil to keep your strokes gliding smoothly, allowing you to sink into your lover's body and offer soothing, pleasurable touch.

Do keep in mind that latex condoms are not oil-friendly. So if you've been using massage oil to warm one another up, make sure to wash your hands thoroughly before putting the condom on - and switch to a silicone or water-based lubricant for erotic touch of the penis, vulva or anus. If you are not using condoms, you can use oils as sexual lubricant if you wish, or switch to a sexual lubricant.

As you know, we believe full body massage can be part of everyone's sex life - and great massage needs great oil. Check out Babeland's Naked Organic Massage Oil and see just how pleasurable a few minutes of full body touch can be!

Sexologists and sex educators often draw the cycle of an orgasm as a line chart - making sexual pleasure look more like a financial report than an erotic experience. While arousal and sensations are by no means a linear path - these charts can be useful to draw your attention to the patterns of your arousal. 

Conventional wisdom says that women need a longer warm-up stage, a smooth and gradual uphill climb towards arousal and orgasm. Once they have peaked, women might have several orgasms, the top of their chart looking like a mountain range. Then, a nice downhill descent towards afterglow.

Men, it is commonly believed, have a sharp uphill climb.  Men can be turned on by just about anything, climb quickly towards one dramatic climactic peak and then a sharp fall downhill towards a soft penis and sleep.

We've all seen these charts (and if not, they are here for your perusal) and perhaps experienced a similar arousal pattern. But most men and most women have had orgasmic experiences that are way off the charts.

If your arousal and orgasm were a terrain of peaks and valleys - and if you were able to chart your actual arousal, what would that chart look like? Would it be the same time after time, or dramatically different each time?

If you could chart your most pleasurable orgasm, what would that look like? Do you want to experience more intense orgasms, multiple orgasms, or full body orgasms?

What do your lover's orgasms look like?

After last night's midnight showing of Sex and The City 2, it is clear that you probably won't go see SATC for the sex advice. Go for the reunion with Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte. Go for the fashion and extravagance. Just seeing Liza Minnelli perform "Single Ladies" is well worth the price of a ticket.

But in between the shots of high heels and couture, the Sex and the City ladies offer us an abundance of sex  and relationship advice, targeted squarely at those in long term relationships and struggling to keep the "sparkle" of excitement alive.

As sex educators, here are the top 7 lessons we noticed in the film:

1. Take Time Alone 
How much time do you take to nourish your own needs and desires? Whether you are a busy mom, overworked at your job, or both, taking time to be alone and replenish yourself is essential to a happy relationship and fabulous sex life. No matter how many demands there are on your time, taking a few moments each day to nourish your own needs will go a long way towards giving you more energy to share with your partner, kids and friends. Most of us don't have a second home to escape to like Carrie - we need to create that oasis within our own busy lives. What would you do with ten minutes a day, just focusing on your own needs and desires?

2. Capture the Sparkle
As their relationship matures, Carrie misses the "sparkle" of the romance, excitement and glamour of their early life together. When she sees this sparkle return to her lover while he is talking to another woman, her upset is more than jealousy - it is craving. She wants to be wooed again. The longer a relationship endures, the more effort we need to invest in capturing the sparkle of the initial lust and romance. The best way to do this is returning to the source - remember the first days, weeks and months of your relationship. What did you do to capture one another's attention? How did you seduce one another? It worked the first time, it might work again. Replay some of the moments every now and then - do the activities you did on your first dates, go to your favorite places you've been together, remember what it felt like as you were falling in love. Just like Big pulling up in his limo, ready to whisk Carrie off into the New York night, create the opportunity to remind one another of how you fell in love in the first place.

3. Pay Attention
Carrie Bradshaw unzips her gown to reveal sexy lingerie and lots of bare skin. The movie audience notices - but her lover doesn't pay any attention. He has seen her body before. He is more interested in what is on TV. This is the fatal flaw in many long term relationships: we stop paying attention. We take one another for granted. When your lover undresses, do you notice? When they make an effort to look nice, are you paying attention? What is more worthy of your attention - your lover or your television screen?

4. At Your Service
Arriving for their all expenses paid trip in the (once) glamourous city of Abu Dhabi, each of the ladies is presented with their very own butler. The excitement in their faces is palpable as they respond to the concept of a young, attractive, gracious man who is completely at their service. The film doesn't linger too long on this relationship, but as Carrie's butler warms milk for her on a sleepless night, we have to wonder- who is taking care of us? Service is a luxury, usually thought of as the extravagant indulgence of the very rich. But we can all have the experience of being taken care of, of having someone "at your service" if we bring this into our love relationships. Bring your lover a cup of coffee. Notice if she is getting cold and bring a sweater or blanket. Anticipate their needs. Small acts of service translate to big feelings of love and desire.

5. Jealousy: Use it or Lose It!
Jealousy is a natural response, and is to be expected in any long term relationship. It is one thing to be jealous when there is due cause. If your partner is beginning to stray, jealousy might be the first warning sign that a major intervention is called for. But if you are like Charlotte, getting jealous when she sees Harry noticing another (younger) woman's breasts, you either have to use it or lose it. Lose it - let it go if your jealousy is over something trivial and is not actually a warning sign of your relationship being threatened. Or, better yet - Use it! Notice your lover's desire and respond. Charlotte could have tempted Harry with her own breasts, bringing his gaze back to his own body. Transform your jealousy into desire and seduction - allow that emotion to fuel your passion.

6. Forbidden Pleasures
In the sexually conservative landscape of Abu Dhabi, Samantha discovers a new sexual challenge: sublimating her sexual desire and tendancy to show off her body. As she tries to reign in her sexual displays, she meets a handsome stranger who shares her lusty personality. He describes his added arousal of being in the sexually conservative Middle East - by taming his desires they only grow. No matter where you live, there are places where sexual desire is less welcome than others - and you can use these "forbidden pleasures" to your advantage. If you notice desire in a "forbidden" place, allow the taboo to turn you on.

7. Design Your Own Relationship
The movie opens with a lavish gay wedding, as unlikely lovers Stanford and Anthony tie the knot. As Anthony reveals their "rules for marriage" the ladies talk about what it means to be married. Leave it to the gays to remind us what we knew all along - every marriage is a unique agreement, and every relationship has its own character. Designing your own relationship happens whether or not you do so consciously. So take the time, and together with your lover to create the guidelines that support your relationship. What are your hard and fast boundaries? What do your vows mean to you? If a marriage is a contract, surely it is worthwhile to remind yourself of why you got married, what it means to you, and what kind of marriage you want to have together.

May is Masturbation Month - so all month long we've been hearing about the latest vibrators, lubes and lotions to get us in the mood for self-stimulation. A new vibrator can be a great thing to experiment with new sensations or add a new flavor to your masturbation routines. But ultimately, masturbation is an act of self-love. But for many people, self-love is really, really hard.

The sexual pleasure you can feel is to do with how much you can allow yourself to feel, not the lover you have. Our culture often talks about love and romance as something that happens to us - the perfect lover comes along and sweeps us off our feet. The perfect lover knows exactly what we want and has the secret keys to unlocking our arousal and turn-on. The truth is, no one else can give you pleasure - you can only receive as much pleasure as you allow yourself. Two people can eat the same exact meal, and one may find absolute gastronomic bliss while the other shrugs and complains about too much salt.  You yourself are responsible for creating a pleasurable life and learning what you enjoy and desire. How can we expect someone else to love us if we do not love ourselves? How can we expect to be treated with care and respect when we can not extend that same courtesy to ourselves?
 
The true keys to love and romance are within you already. Can you treat yourself like your best lover? Prioritize activities that bring you great pleasure and excitement? Treat yourself to the food that you most enjoy and that feels healthy for your body? Can you pay attention to yourself enough to know what you want out of life, what kind of person will be your best partner?  But these acts of self-acceptance, honoring yourself as you are, and self-love are not simple. It is no small thing to truly honor and love ourselves. We all beat ourselves up about something, and hold ourselves to impossibly high standards. So the practice becomes how to move towards more self-love each day, catch ourselves in self-destructive conversations or behaviors, and gradually shift those patterns.

So as Masturbation Month comes to a close, consider deepening your practice of self-love. How can you love and honor yourself more - and thus have more access to your authentic self to share with your friends, family and lovers?

Can you treat yourself like you would a cherished lover? This, perhaps, is the greatest challenge of love there is.

When do you experience more joy - when you give a gift to a loved one, or when you receive a present? Tough question, right? For most of us, both giving and receiving gifts can be delightful. Giving and receiving gifts is especially wonderful when the present is "just right" - when you give a gift and the recipient exudes delight, having received something that they really wanted and perhaps wouldn't have bought for themselves. Receiving is the same way - when you get a gift that exceeds your expectations, it feels amazing, right? You feel loved, cared for, "seen" and special.

Pleasurable touch is one of the best gifts we can give one another. Touch is the gift of time, of attention, of love.

Most of the time, we focus on the pleasure we receive - from a lover, a meal, a sensual experience. Some source outside of ourselves gives us pleasure, which we get to enjoy. All too often, we forget about the pleasure we can experience by giving. Touching our lover and giving them pleasure can be an amazing, fulfilling experience.

Everyone experiences pleasure in some balance of giving and receiving - some people are much more prone to feel pleasure from outside stimulation, others experience their highest pleasure in giving to others. This plays out in all arenas in life - and some people are "givers" in their professional life (social workers, hairdressers, any profession that requires you to give attention to others) and "receivers" in the bedroom. Noticing the balance between giving and receiving in your life can help you sort through the emotions attached with giving and receiving sexual pleasure with your lover. Some people are great at either giving or receiving, but get stuck when asked to do the other.

Think about some of your favorite sexual memories - what was the balance between giving and receiving pleasure? Were the moments when you focused on your lover's body more or less arousing than when your lover focused attention on your body? In your ideal scenario, what would this balance look like?