Many people want to increase their sexual desire. Loss of desire is very common and, thankfully, something you can take control of.
What is Sexual Desire?
Sexual desire goes way beyond a simple craving for intercourse. Sexual desire is an entire galaxy of needs and wants, pleasures your body craves. The first step in reclaiming your sexual desire is getting honest about what you specifically want, right now.
What pleasures do you crave? What kind of touch do you long for? If you could be the architect of the perfect evening of pleasure, what would it look like?
Desire is the hunger for pleasure that fuels us as humans. We desire that which feeds and nourishes us.
Humans are incredibly creative sexual beings. Each of us has a very specific constellation of sexual turn-ons and interests, and most of us have not even begun to get to know ourselves as sexual beings. We have lost the ability to fantasize freely, to give ourselves blanket permission to explore our erotic creativity and discover what it is we truly desire. So we settle for a narrow and predictable sex life, enjoying the familiar pleasures we permit ourselves, and yet find ourselves wondering what else is erotically possible.
What Is Blocking Your Desire
If you aren’t feeling as much sexual desire as you wish, the first thing to get real about is how much stress is getting in the way of your desire. Stress is highly toxic, and many people find that the more stressed out they are, the less sexual desire they feel. This makes sense, as the body shifts it’s resources to manage stress and away from the less essential systems. If you suspect stress is killing your libido, start with couples massage. Sharing massage with your lover is an amazing way to connect with your lover, melt away stress and get back in touch with pleasure.
It is also important to get real about what else might be blocking your sexual desire. Is there resentment or regret clouding your relationship? Is there anything you need to clear up between you and your lover so you can feel ready to be intimate and vulnerable together. If you do fine and get aroused while fantasizing about strangers, but can’t seem to get interested in sex with your lover, work on your relationship before worrying about your own libido!
True Desire Is For What Is Sustainable and Nourishing
Of course, desire can go haywire and turn into compulsive cravings and addictions. That is not true desire. True desire is for that which pleasures our body and soul in a long-term, sustainable way.
What desires do you allow yourself? Notice all the places in your life you have desire and don’t allow it.
Desire ≠ Fantasy: Discover The Crucial Difference!
Desire is not the same as fantasy. It is easy to fantasize about things that you do not truly desire. Fantasy is the realm of the erotic imagination, where anything is possible. Desire is that which you actually want more of in your life. Our book The Fantasy Method uncovers the crucial difference between fantasy and desire and guides you in naming your authentic desires so you can have the sex life you really want.
In this culture, we are taught to desire consumer goods and foods – but not some of the more satisfying things in life (fufillment, touch, intimacy, freedom.) Learning to authentically name your desires is the first step towards creating the sex life that will fulfill you.