How do you know what you authentically desire? Dr. Jack Morin, author of The Erotic Mind, suggests that we use our own Peak Erotic Experiences, our sexual “highlight reel” to look for clues about who we are as erotic beings. He has found that what worked best for you in the past is very likely to work again in the future. This simple but powerful tool puts you in control of naming what turns you on most authentically.
In this exercise, we invite you to use memories of your Peak Erotic Experiences to create a map of the elements of what makes sex hot and memorable for you specifically.
This is a quick interactive experiment that will help you reveal the landscape of your authentic desires. We recommend repeating this exercise at least once a year, and anytime you feel stuck or unsure of what you are craving from your lover.
Map Your Peak Erotic Experiences
1. Spend some time and scan through your erotic history. Then pick one or two Peak Erotic Experiences – these are the moments when sex was the hottest, most satisfying, most fulfilling for you. Allow yourself to focus on those “off the charts” memories – even if they were with an ex, even if they were a long time ago.
2. Remember these experiences in vivid detail. Think about all the elements that made these experiences so pleasurable. Recall the situation that led up to the encounter, the environment, the mood, the smells. What were you wearing? What language did your lover use? What happened? Consider the environment (where were you? was there a risk of being discovered? ), the sensual aspects (smells, sounds, tastes, kinds of erotic touch) and the interpersonal elements (was there a power dynamic? forbidden lust? longing building up for months?) The more vivid your memory, the more effective your map will be to creating more sex like this in the future.
3. Pick 3 qualities that you want to experience more of. Write them down. Then, you can share with your lover or not, your choice. What is important now is to actively create the conditions that will allow more fulfilling sex in the future. By naming what worked for you in the past, you are poised to recreate those turn-ons in the future.
“Now you are ready to begin examining your peak erotic experiences. Think of them using two seemingly mismatched metaphors. Peak turn-ons are precious jewels. To fully appreciate their glittering facets, it is necessary to gaze at them from different angles. Yet peak experiences are also onionlike. As each layer is peeled away you uncover additional information not visible on the surface” – Dr. Jack Morin, The Erotic Mind