If you are in a sexless marriage, and are looking for ways to reconnect with your lover, you are not alone. Estimates range from 10% – 40% of all marriages are sexless, defined as engaging in sexual activity less than four times a year. We have worked with couples who have not touched one another for 20 years – so wherever you are in your sexless marriage, remember that you are not alone and it is not your fault!
Many sexless marriages end sooner or later – the lack of sex is a reflection of the relationship itself suffering. Other couples stay married, some choosing to live without sexual contact and others choosing to have extramarital relationships (with the consent of their partner or not) while maintaining their marriage.
This page, and this site, is for the rest of you. If you want to reconnect and reanimate your sex life, you are in the right place.
We are not relationship therapists, nor do we know you well enough to give you any advice specific to your situation.
We are however experts in touch – couples massage and erotic touch – and the #1 recommendation from sex therapists meeting couples in sexless marriages is to try more touch! We’ve partnered with therapists over the years and the verdict is that our massage guides are an excellent place for couples to start rekindling the ability to touch one another, communicate and exchange pleasurable, intimate touch – without the pressure of sex looming!
You may have heard of Sensate Focus. This is a technique developed by Masters & Johnson, early sexologists who basically “wrote the book” of modern sex therapy. Sensate Focus is a long, drawn-out practice where couples reconnect through one-way touch. Our massage guides capture all of the benefits of sensate focus – while offering much more pleasure and relaxation (which we all need!) and moving at a pace that fits modern lives.
Here is our top recommendation for people in sexless marriages.
1. Confirm your desire to touch one another. You must both authentically want to share touch, even if it is scary, even if you doubt it will work, the desire must be in place.
2. Set aside 10 minutes, 3 times a week.
3. Grab a copy of one of our Couples Massage videos. They are less than $20, and even more affordable if you buy two or more at the same time. We have made them affordable because we believe everyone can learn how to give a great massage, and we want every couple around the world to share massage as part of their intimate relationship! You can choose your favorite kind of massage – foot massage and back massage are great places to start.
4. Take turns Giving and Receiving. On any given day, one of you gives the other a massage. No swapping. This is important to give each of you the opportunity to feel the role of Giver or Receiver fully, and allow any issues to come up clearly.
5. Learn the 5 minute massage sequences from our Couples Massage videos. Free from the pressures of sex, arousal and all the issues that might bring up, massage is your opportunity to explore what it means to touch each other in a whole new way. You’ll be learning something new together, which experts say is excellent for emotional intimacy. Plus, you’ll be offering one another quality, relaxing, pleasurable touch. Our guides are designed to give you success stories right off the bat – we put together sequences that are both easy to learn and highly effective. You may be amazed at how good your lover’s touch can feel!
6. Pay attention to the emotions that come up during the massage exchange. You may find major clues about unresolved issues that have created physical distance in your relationship. The roles of Giver and Receiver bring up a lot of emotions for people. Notice if you feel any anger, resentment, longing, sadness, or any other unexpected emotion. Continue with the massage but make sure to spend time on the emotional issues that arise. In our experience, massage is the best way to bring to the surface all the unspoken issues between couples that may be the real reason you are avoiding physical intimacy.
7. Exchange massage as a regular part of your relationship – 2-3 times a week, if only for 5 or 10 minutes at a time.
8. When giving each other massage starts feeling joyful, easy and more physically intimate, you can amp up the erotic intimacy. Try giving massage in the nude, allowing more body contact between you. Start adding in kisses as you give massage. Look into one another’s eyes and linger, allowing that vulnerability to bridge the space between you.
9. If you are ready to explore more sexual intimacy, consider our Erotic Touch videos, which demonstrate (on a lifelike replica, no pornography here!) how to touch your lover’s most sensitive parts with your hands. The skill of sexually pleasing your lover with just your hands is a game changer- all of a sudden you can bring one another tremendous pleasure without intercourse- and this frees couples up to be more sexual when intercourse just feels like too much, or is out of the question for any reason. Learning how to touch and give your partner sexual pleasure with your hands will transform your sex life, we guarantee it.
10. Notice what has changed in your relationship. If you’ve completed the 9 steps above, you will be in a new place than when you started. Is there anything you want to express to one another now? What kind of sex life do you both want? Ask one another the following question and see how your answers line up: “Darling, what would your ideal sex life look like?” With the physical connection reestablished through massage, you may find that your sexual connection is now within reach!
I would LOVE to hear from anyone who has read this page! If you are trying out these techniques, contact us and share how they are working. If you are in a sexless marriage and this page is useful to you, let us know what worked for you. If you think we are totally off base, let us know! You can contact us privately here.
We wish you well, and hope that a more fulfilling, mutually pleasurable erotic life is just around the corner for you and your lover. Remember, you are not alone!