Please read one or more of the following responses from our community out loud, in whatever voice and style feels right for you. 

Please go slowly and pause between passages.

We will be mixing and blending as many voices as we receive into the podcast episode where we share and respond to these survey responses.

By submitting a recording you are consenting to your voice appearing on Pleasure Mechanics podcasts, social media, online courses or any other media type. You will not be identified nor compensated in any form. 

Thank you for your participation in the Pleasure Mechanics community! We hope this community experiment generates a meaningful episode for us all. To record any other message or question for the show, click here.

Shame Slayers Responses To Record

“My shame told me I was wrong, no matter what I wanted or how or how much or with whom. The shame oozed out of every corner of my upbringing“

“It sounds so simple, but practicing self-compassion has helped me tremendously. My previous tendency was to become ashamed of the shame I felt. I still feel shame, enough that it is challenging for me to talk with my loving partner about my inability to orgasm with him, but when it arises, I no longer turn against myself for feeling it. I’m not sure what “slaying” looks like for me in any final sense, but I am not as haunted by shame as I once was.“

“I avoided sex for a really long time because of enormous body shame and shame around performance/ skills (because of lack of experience). Then felt tremendous shame about being a “virgin”- felt like I was treated as though I was immature, incomplete, or young by peers. It became a self-perpetuating shame cycle“

“I’m just surprised by how previous sexual partners, both the casual encounters and people I felt deeply connected with, would pass subtle judgments on or appraisals of my orgasms, body and love of sex in a way that made me feel like just who I was was threatening to them. Because of this, it is hard for me to have full body orgasms with partners, the kind of orgasms I can have on my own,  and this is a source of shame for me.“

“Accessing Sex Positive material on the internet and podcasts such as Pleasure Mechanics have given me more insight into my own sexuality which helps me see myself as more ‘normal’, whilst increasing my awareness of the dynamics of privilege, gender, sexuality, and patriarchy“

“Learning that I get to choose what works best for me and my life and relationships instead of having to follow societal scripts“

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Shame is one of the most common sexual struggles. Almost all of us struggle with some form of sexual shame – from body shame to faith-based shame, from kink shame to genital shame, almost everyone holds some shame. Shame tells us we are broken, sinful, gross or otherwise unworthy of love. Shame tells us if we were to be truly ourselves, we wouldn’t belong. Shame lies to us, and holds us all hostage in an invisible web-like grip of cultural myth and misinformation.

It’s time to slay the shame. In this encore episode of one of our most popular episodes ever, originally published in 2015 as episode 74, we explore sexual shame, think about where it really comes from, and then share a five step plan to slay your shame and find new freedom.

Participate in our Shame Slayers Survey here!

Ready to explore more shame-slaying, fear-busting, doubt-dissolving resources? Join the Pleasure Pod, show your support for the show, and unlock members only resources!

Here at PleasureMechanics, we are dedicated to the erotic liberation of all humans. Liberation means freedom from systems of domination and harm. You can read more about our guiding values here.

As we create a world with more safety and pleasure for us all, we believe we all must generate as much care, justice and support as possible for those most in need.

We make monthly, annual and one-time donations to a wide range of community organizations.

We encourage you to give in accordance to your ability, and to identify organizations whose missions resonate with your values.

If you wish to join us in our giving, here are just some of the organizations we support with financial donations. If you make a donation to any of these incredible organizations, please drop a line and let us know so we can share a virtual high-five and send you a gift in the mail if you wish!

• Third Wave Fund Third Wave Fund is the only activist fund led by and for women of color, intersex, queer, and trans folks under 35 years old in the US.
• SisterSong SisterSong’s mission is to strengthen and amplify the collective voices of indigenous women and women of color to achieve reproductive justice by eradicating reproductive oppression and securing human rights.
• Kite’s Nest : Kite’s Nest builds the collective capacity of young people to bring about healing, personal transformation, social connection, and systemic change.
• Newburgh LGBTQ+ Center Our local Queer refuge – find the one closest to home and give generously.
• Scarleteen Inclusive sex education for all!
• The Effing Foundation An umbrella fund to reduce sexual shame and normalize conversations around human sexuality by fostering sex-positive art and education.
• Mobile Homecoming Our community of spiritual practice centering Black Feminist lineage and embodied principles

Ready to explore Erotic Spanking? Join our online course & we’ll guide you every step of the way!

Many people find spanking to be an erotic activity on it’s own. Some people can experience orgasm through spanking alone, no genital stimulation needed! But for many people, spanking can be an exciting addition to sexual play and the combination creates intense sexual highs.

There are many ways to combine spanking with sex. You can start a sexual experience with a spanking, then follow the spanking with sexual stimulation of any kind. You can start with sex and then move on to spanking. Or, you can create sexual stimulation during the spanking. Any combination can work – explore and see what sequence you enjoy most.

Adding Sensations to Spanking

A great spanking creates a ton of sensation, and many people love to focus on just the spanking, finding it to be more than enough to capture their attention. But you may want to try adding in other sensations to create more variety and an element of surprise.

Here are some suggestions for sensations to add in during spanking. Add these in once you’ve warmed the butt up with a good warm-up and a few rounds of solid, firm spanks.

• Caress the butt cheeks or the back with feather light touch, using your fingertips or the back of your hand. This works especially well when you take a little break to caress and then immediately go back to the spanking, creating a sharp contrast between the light gentle caress and a nice firm spank.
• Run your nails over the warmed spanked skin of the butt cheeks. No matter how short your nails are, you should be able to get a bit of a scratching sensation by dragging your nails over the skin. Try a range from very light scratches to quite intense scratches.
• Pinch the butt you are spanking. Start with bigger pinches, grabbing a substantial amount skin between your fingers and thumb. Pinching smaller amounts of skin will hurt a bit more, so only give sharp little pinches if you know your lover likes that kind of sensation.
• Pull your lover’s hair in between spanks. Grab a whole fistful of hair and pull in a steady motion in one direction – this creates a delicious tugging sensation instead of sharp yank. You can also pull your lover’s head back and kiss them, while firmly holding their head with a big handful of hair.
• Lean over and blow on the warmed butt cheeks. Pursing your lips and blowing will produce a cooler stream of air, opening your mouth wider and blowing will produce a warmer haze.
• Kiss their ass! Once you have warmed their cheeks with lots of good spanks, lean in and cover their butt cheeks with kisses. Small kisses, big wet kisses, a little bite or two. . . with so much attention on the butt a few kisses can feel really intimate and tender, or rough and humiliating. Also kiss their back, neck, thighs, behind the knees. . . take advantage of having your lover spread out over your lap or on the bed and cover them with affectionate kisses!

Beyond Spanking:

If you get really into this, and crave heavier sensation, eventually your hand will get sore. It is not uncommon for the recipient to crave more intensity than the Giver can comfortably give with a bare hand. Thankfully, generations of humans have designed a wonderful array of toys designed to delivery pleasurable forms of impact.

The best first step is using gloves to cushion your hand while staying in direct contact with your lover’s flesh. Try on lots of gloves to find what feels sexy and fits nicely – leather gloves or faux leather are ideal as they feel more “skin like” than wool or cashmere. They’ll deliver a nice thuddy blow while protecting the giver’s hand so you can spank harder longer!

If you still want more intensity, you may be ready to explore the world of erotic implements: paddles, floggers, canes and whips!

Full instruction in the realm of erotic implements is a bit beyond the scope of this course. This a world unto itself, with many passionate educators ready to tell you the nuance of each toy out there. If you are interested in using implements for more sensation play, seek out workshops that will teach you how to safely do so.

We’ll leave you with a word of caution. In our experience, as soon as a tool is involved, the line between “Yum” and “OW!!!” becomes razor thin, and the skill and attention to wield a tool well is significant.

You’ll find a demonstration of light paddling in the Dominant Spanking Scene video in our Erotic Spanking online course. Notice how much warm up Chris does before using the paddle, and how she mindfully uses the paddle as an extension of her hand. When using implements, you need to have the skill of paying attention to your lover’s reactions so you know how the sensation is being received.

Intensifying Your Spanking Scenes

After you have a sense of what your partner likes, you can start taking more control over the experience, creating elements of surprise, stretching their experience and building intensity.

Here are a few ways to amp up the intensity and start exploring spanking more in depth.

• The bottom can focus on really letting go into the experience. Hopefully after a few spanking sessions you have built up trust and developed ways of communicating with one another. This is an opportunity to surrender into the experience of being spanked. Try to focus on your breath, on making noise and moving your body. Give your partner permission to spank you a little harder and a little longer. Try to give yourself permission to really go on a journey of sensation.
• If the power dynamics of spanking excite both of you, experiment with heightening this element of your play together. Perhaps the submissive partner starts the session on their knees, and is required to beg for a spanking. Perhaps the dominant partner gets a little rougher, or uses dirtier language. Try saying things like “When I’m done with you, you won’t be able to sit down for a week” or “You dirty little slut, I know how much you like this” This is highly charged territory so remember to check in ahead of time about what is a turn-on and a turn-off. Dominance can be expressed in many ways – what does your lover crave? Remember that you are giving your lover a profound gift by taking control for a little while, offering them the opportunity to relax and surrender. Many people crave the opportunity to relinquish control, so if this is part of your play together, don’t hold back.
• Make and hold eye contact during the spanking. This can be incredibly intense and intimate, and terribly sexy. Watch your lover’s face respond to each spank. Demand that they hold eye contact with you for a little while. This prevents the bottom from relaxing into a more sensation-driven trance and shifts the attention onto the intimate exchange of the spanking, so use this technique deliberately.
• Have the bottom masturbate while being spanked. The combination of erotic touch while receiving a spanking can be incredibly intense.
• Slip a vibrator between the top’s lap and the bottom’s genitals. The persistent stimulation from a vibrator will be really intense, and the bottom can squirm towards or away from the vibe.
• Incorporate toys into your spanking. Two good options are vaginal balls and butt plugs. Vaginal balls are weighted metal balls, covered in easy-to-clean silicone, that are worn in the vagina. They provide internal stimulation and will vibrate around with each spank, accentuating the sensations of each impact. Our favorites are SmartBalls from Fun Factory. Butt plugs are small (to medium to extra large!) silicone toys that are inserted and then held in the anus. They will provide a sense of fullness that many people find arousing. Butt plugs can be worn by both men and women. Just be careful not to spank directly onto the butt plug itself – a little tapping might feel nice but a hard blow could be really unpleasant.
• Explore combining spanking with bondage. This can be as simple as using a satin bondage set (we love Lelo’s elegant line of bondage ties)to tie the bottom’s hands together, or as elaborate as you would like. A full how-to on bondage is beyond the scope of this book, so do your research if you are going to experiment for the first time. Bondage increases the feelings of helplessness and vulnerability, so if you eroticize those sensations, it might be fun to heighten them. To hear more about erotic bondage, listen to our podcast episode here.
• Alternate intense rounds of spanking with other tools, such as a fur glove, satin scarf or a smooth surface. The variation will make the spanks feel more intense and the variety adds another element of surprise, further capturing the bottom’s erotic attention.
• After an intense round of spanking, run an ice cube over the hot butt cheeks of the bottom. The temperature contrast will feel really intense. If you then go back to spanking, be aware that spanking wet skin hurts even more, creating an even stingier sensation. Use this to your advantage.

Creating a Climax

One of the more advanced skills of erotic spankings is developing the ability to read your lover’s energy and create a climax at the right moment. If you end the spanking too early, it may not be satisfying. If you keep it going too long, you risk burn-out and overstimulation.

We like to think of a great spanking as a journey, with multiple peaks and valleys of intensity. As a general guideline, try to identify the moment when the intensity has reached the optimum level and then keep it there for at least a few minutes. Then begin moving towards a climax.

You can either tell your lover that you are finishing up or just create a peak moment and then slowly bring the spanking to an end. If you are going to tell your lover that the end of the spanking is approaching, try saying something like “I’m going to finish with three of my best, are you ready?” and notice their response. Then follow through with three perfectly placed, hard spanks. Your final spanks should be as intense as the hardest spanks in the session – you don’t want to end with a few wimpy slaps.

If you are going to simply end, get mentally prepared to finish and then take a deep breath and give 3-5 hard spanks. Again, try to finish with the most intense spanks of the session. If you’ve been creating peaks and valleys, finish on a peak!

After the final spank, resist the temptation to keep going. Let the final spank soak in, and then move on to aftercare, allowing the energy to come back down and shifting to other kinds of intimate connection.

If at any point you notice you have lost your lover’s attention, it is a good moment to go for a few good last spanks and move on. You might also consider wrapping up the spanking if your partner really seemed into it and then those responses shift towards less interest, arousal or responsiveness. Ideally, you want to climax before this happens but sometimes you miss the mark. Just keep paying attention and communicating with your lover after each spanking to begin working towards the most ideal spanking for you both.

Remember, it is always better to leave your partner wanting more than to go too far too fast. If you are unsure about when to reach the climax of the spanking, err on the side of sooner rather than later. If you then hear that your partner could have taken much more intensity, you’ll know that for next time.

​Common Kink Questions and Concerns: Answered!

Here are some of the more common questions we get asked about spanking and kinky play. Ready to explore with us? Embark on Your Next Erotic Adventure – we’ll be there with you every step of the way.

Is it normal to want kinky sex?

Yes.

When is it a kink? When is it a fetish?
Many people enjoy spanking as part of their erotic experience. A very small portion of these people have a spanking fetish, and even fewer have a paraphilia. A fetish is when a non-sexual object or situation creates extreme arousal. If you get turned on by non-erotic spanking scenarios, you may have a bit of a fetish. This isn’t necessarily a problem as long as you can maintain healthy sexual boundaries and your obsession with spanking isn’t interrupting your life in any way.

A paraphilia is when a fetish becomes isolated, when it is the only way to achieve high levels of arousal. If you can’t get turned on by anything but a spanking, or if spanking arouses you to uncontrollable highs, you may want to seek the assistance of a qualified sex therapist.

Remember, this is only a concern if spanking (or any other fetish) becomes so extreme that you can’t function as a healthy adult. If your sexual needs are overwhelming your responsibilities to your job, family or relationship, that may be cause for concern.

Enjoying spanking on its own is absolutely normal and is not indication of any kind of perversion or illness. As a culture we are currently getting over centuries of sexual oppression and shaming that has left powerful residues that make people doubt their normalcy and sanity. We are here to tell you that enjoying a wide range of sexual stimulation, even more intense forms of sensation, is part of being a human being with an active sexuality. There is nothing “sick” about spanking whatsoever, as long as both people are enjoying the activity and openly consenting to their roles in the sexual exchange.

What if the top hits their limit first?
Giving a great spanking is a lot of work. It requires physical stamina on top of a constant awareness of the bottom’s responses. It is also important to note that the Top’s hand gets sensitive, red and hot just like the butt being spanked.

The Top may well reach their own limit of how much they can give while the bottom is still craving more. Try mixing in more loose fist pummels and forearm whams. If the Top still fatigues sooner than the bottom, it may be time to start exploring gloves or paddles.

One way to address “top fatigue” is to explore using a range of gloves to pad the top’s hands. Slim fitting leather gloves can work great, or try on a pair of padded motorcycle gloves. While gloves protect the top’s hands, they also soften the blows and change the sensations of the spanking, so some people find that they don’t address the issue of “top fatigue” as well as using a tool such as a paddle.

Paddles come in a huge range of sizes, materials and levels of quality. We highly recommend starting with a small leather covered paddle. Wood and plastic paddles can be very brutal, so are not for beginners. Spanking will probably be a lifelong erotic exploration, so give yourself permission to buy one toy, explore it fully, and then slowly build your collection. Remember that when you add a tool to the spanking, you need to start exploring intensity from the beginning again – the Top will not be able to gauge the impact as easily.

What if the bottom starts crying during a spanking or other kinky scene?
Tears can be a very normal and quite common part of the spanking experience. Some people find a good cry cathartic, an opportunity to purge long pent-up emotions leading to a profound release of emotional tension. Other people like finding the edge of what they can physically withstand and riding that edge until tears are inevitable.

It takes a very confident and present lover to allow the bottom to have this kind of emotional release and keep the experience going. Of course, you don’t want to keep spanking your lover if their tears are a sign that you’ve spanked too hard too quickly – but if the tears are an expression of a beneficial release of tension, stopping the scene will interrupt that experience. So it is a fine line to navigate, and hopefully by the time you have arrived at this situation you will be able to communicate through it.

In general, if you hear your bottom start to cry, check for signs of how much they are enjoying the spanking. Are they relaxed and receiving each blow, or are they tense and struggling away from you? Is their breathing deep and steady, or are they holding their breath? Try to determine if they are in the middle of a pleasurable catharsis or not.

If you are unsure if you should continue, bring your hands to rest on their butt and give it a light massage. Stroke their hair. Lean over and quietly ask “Do you want me to keep going? Nod yes or shake your head no.” By giving them clear and direct instructions, you can get their consent to keep going without having a whole conversation or asking them what they are feeling. Most often, when in the middle of an emotional release it is not wise to talk about it – allow your bottom to have their experience without having to explain what they are feeling.

If they want you to keep going, bring the intensity back to where it was when you left off and hold it steady for awhile. Amp up the intensity slowly but surely until you feel like their experience has climaxed. Don’t draw it out too much – once you’ve reached the point of tears you can start heading towards a climax. You can encourage them to feel fully with a few words like “That’s right” or “Let it out” but try not to speak too much as you don’t know what they are feeling. Saying something like “good girl” might be well intended but not appropriate for what they are feeling.

If they ask you to stop, stay connected and start bringing the session to a close. Do not in any case just stop cold and stop touching your lover – this will feel like an abandonment. Let them determine when they need space. Stay available emotionally and physically as they recover. You can figure out what happened later. For now, just stay close and bring the energy down gently. Hold your hands still on their body and take several deep breaths. Run your hands over their butt and up and down their back. Give them a few kisses, and then hold them close for a few minutes. Allow the tears to run their course. Once your lover has calmed down a bit, go get them a glass of water and a few tissues, and just be with them in silence.

Your lover may or may not want to talk about what made them cry. Give them that option – sometimes these emotional releases just need to run their course and don’t need explanation. Even if you want to talk about it, we recommend giving it a few hours or even a day or two before bringing it up. Allow them to have their experience.

You can always say something like “That seemed really powerful, if there is anything you want to talk about I am here for you” but try not to demand an explanation by saying something like “What happened?” or “What was that about?” These demanding questions can feel overwhelming, especially when the tears weren’t connected to any one feeling in particular. Many of us simply have pent-up tension that needs to be released, and a good firm spanking can create that catharsis.

You’ve given your lover a gift – don’t complicate it by demanding an explanation. Simply be present and loving and strong, and give your lover the space to process the experience at their own pace. Emotional catharsis can be an amazing part of the spanking experience. If you have created the opening for a release of tears, it might be a sign that you are doing everything right!

What if the bottom starts laughing?
Just like crying, laughter can be a powerful form of emotional release. Don’t take laughter as a sign that you should start spanking harder – keep doing what you are doing and gradually increase the intensity if you think your bottom can take a little more. Also don’t take laughter personally – unless you just farted, your lover is most likely not laughing at you, but rather laughing as a form of expression and release. Go along with it and have fun. Spanking doesn’t have to be serious all the time. Allow your lover to have their experience, no matter how it is expressed. You can always check in later about what they were feeling if you are confused, but try not to interrupt their experience by questioning their expression. Laughter is a common response to the adrenaline and endorphins released during a good spanking, so if your lover erupts into laughter consider it a sign that you are doing something right!

Help! I feel ashamed of what I really want!? 
Naming desires can be tricky emotional terrain. You may come across desires that you don’t believe you deserve, or that feel shameful to you. 
Many people struggle with receiving pleasure. Culture tells us that pleasure is greedy, hedonistic and a luxury. We are taught that being vulnerable is a weakness. We are told that we are not worthy of pleasure, attention and orgasmic release. 

This is especially true when it comes to kinky sex. These kinds of desires aren’t celebrated in mainstream culture, and there are lots of messages about what kinds of sex are “normal” or “good” and which are “freaky,” “shameful” or “perverted.” 

Kinky sex requires a certain level of surrender, even if you are not actively playing with power (much more on that later on in the course!) Kinky sex takes elements of all sexuality and amplifies them. To fully experience kinky sex, you have to be ready to fully receive the intensity and volume of sensation, emotions and eroticism. To fully receive, you have to believe you are worthy of all the pleasure coming your way. You must free yourself of any messages you’ve heard that kinky sex is wrong, dirty or perverted. 
We are hereby granting you permission to fully enjoy the pleasures available to you. Pleasure is GOOD for you. It can fill you up, fuel your days, grow your creativity and make you an all around happier person.

Everything we cover in our kink course is safe, and healthy when done according to our guidance. You’ll learn how to get active consent from your partner so you can make sure you both want what is happening at all times. With these guidelines in place, we hope you can learn how to relax and enjoy all the pleasures kinky sex can offer you. 

If you have trouble receiving pleasure, practice treating yourself well outside of the bedroom. Notice all of the pleasures you resist receiving fully.

Take every opportunity to enjoy more pleasure – extend your shower for a few minutes and linger in the relaxing steam, stop and smell the lilacs, enjoy the pleasures of food both healthy and decadent, sit in darkness and listen to your favorite music. Fill your body up with pleasure. Notice how it feels. Notice how you feel after a great orgasm. Whenever you flare up with pleasure-negative thoughts, counter them with a message of permission and claim your right to feel good, sexy and radiant! 

My Desires Feel Way Out Of Reach 

Tune In: Fantasy Vs. Desire Podcast Episode
As you begin to identify your very specific Desires from the very expansive world of your erotic imagination, it is time to get real. The amazing thing about the realm of erotic fantasy is that there are no risks or limitations.

You can take a private jet to the middle of Manhattan and fuck wildly on the roof of the Empire State building. In real life, there are very real limitations and risks that must be considered. 

For many Desires, the only limitations are your free time and willingness to get vulnerable and try something new with your partner. 

For Fantasies that include things like multiple partners, public sex, heavy sensation play, power play and other higher risk activities, you’ll need to get clear on how much you are willing to risk in order to make that Fantasy an actual Desire. Get real about what is at stake and what is to be gained. Often, you will find ways to extract an exciting element that is less risky and you can safely leave the rest to be explored in Fantasy alone. 

If you persistently fantasize about public sex, for example, you need to be clear that getting caught having sex in public is a really serious crime. We don’t think that a devastating court case is the kind of sexual excitement you are looking for. So if sex in a busy urban park is your fantasy, we are going to encourage you to keep that as a fantasy alone. BUT you might have some options. . . 

Is it really about having sex outdoors? Hike into an area of extreme wilderness and make love outdoors, somewhere where you are can hear another hiker coming from miles away and quickly scamper under a blanket. 

Is your public sex fantasy more about being seen, an exhibitionistic streak that wants to be explored? Consider turning on your webcam and being witnessed by a stranger through the magic of video chat, and wear a disguise if you don’t want your identity discovered. 

There are always ways to safely explore your sexual desire, no matter how “out there” it seems to be. Consenting adults do all kinds of things safely, legally and without major risk. We encourage you to get creative and find risk-appropriate ways to translate your most exciting Fantasies into very real, very doable Desires. 

Ready to explore with us?