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Safety, Play & Arousal

Play is excitement added to a foundation of safe connection. Without safety, what is supposed to be fun can become fearful.

The human body needs to feel safe before pleasurable play, creative joy and erotic connection can authentically emerge.

According to emerging science, play is engaging in effort or activity for enjoyment’s sake – and so much more. Play is how humans connect, release tension, explore creativity, get innovative and build collective bonds through joy!

Sex is one way that adults play together – but for many of us sex has become far too serious and the playful sense of joyful exploration feels too far away.

Here are some resources on play as it relates to your erotic life – why play is so important to a great sex life, how to feel safe enough to play, and ways to get more playful with your self, your lover and in your sex life.

Speaking Of Sex Podcast Episodes About Play & Playful Sex

  • The Pleasures of Play
  • Before Pleasure Comes Safety
  • How To Have More Playful Sex
  • Spontaneous Vs. Responsive Desire

Practice Pleasure With Us!

Self Holds With Charlotte Mia Rose

This practice is offered as a gift for all to explore. Explore our Pleasure Practices library for more solo and partnered explorations to build your capacity for pleasure, joy & connection.

“The autonomic nervous system has three choices. Our longing is to be in that ventral vagal, safe, social connected place. We are built to be there. If something comes into our world that triggers a sense of danger, the next stop as we go back to the hierarchy we go to fight-flight, right? And if fight flight doesn’t resolve the danger we end up at the very bottom of the hierarchy in dorsal vagal collapse. And that’s the pattern that all humans go through.” – Deb Dana on the basic structure of the autonomic nervous system

The 3 foundational states of the vagal system:

  • Ventral Vagal : Relaxed Awareness, Social Connection (Chris lovingly calls this the VaVaVoom Zone)
  • Sympathetic Mobilization (Fight / Flight / Hyperarousal)
  • Dorsal Vagal Immobilization (Freeze / Hypoarousal)

Resources About Polyvagal Theory

Deb Dana’s invaluable books: The Polyvagal Theory In Therapy and Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection

My Grandmother’s Hands : Racialized Trauma and The Pathway To Mending Our Hearts and Bodies by Resmaa Menakem

Polyvagal Pioneer Steven Porges‘ son explains the Polyvagal Theory to a crowd:

Deb Dana on Befriending Your Nervous System – During Quarantine and Beyond!

More On PolyVagal Theory

“Play only occurs when one is safe, secure and feeling good, which makes play an exceptionally sensitive measure for all things bad” ~Panksepp & Biven, The Archeology Of The Mind, 2012

“Polyvagal Theory defines interactive play as a “neural exercise” that enhances the co-regulation of physiological state to promote the neural mechanisms involved in supporting mental and physical health. Interactive play as a neural exercise requires synchronous and reciprocal behaviors between individuals and necessitates an awareness of each other’s social engagement system. Access to the social engagement system insures that the sympathetic activation involved in the mobilization does not hijack the nervous system, resulting in playful movements transitioning into aggressive behavior.”
― Stephen W. Porges, The Pocket Guide to the Polyvagal Theory: The Transformative Power of Feeling Safe

  • Porges, Stephen W. The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. New York, NY: W. W. Norton. 2011
  • Porges, Stephen W. “Reciprocal influences between body and brain in the perception and expression of affect.” The healing power of emotion: Affective neuroscience, development & clinical practice 2009
  • Panksepp, Jaak, and Lucy Biven. The archaeology of mind: neuroevolutionary origins of human emotions (Norton series on interpersonal neurobiology). WW Norton & Company, 2012.

Pleasure Mechanics Answer Vault

Here you will find some of the most common questions we get asked with links to podcast episodes and other resources to explore!

If you have a question you want our support with, the first step is to enroll in our free online course so you can be in direct touch with us!

How Do I…

  • last longer in bed?

Is It Normal That I Don’t…

  • have orgasms during intercourse?

I’m Worried About…

  • my penis size.
  • what my body looks like
  • how i masturbate

Sexual Techniques

Developing sexual techniques is not cold or clinical – it is a pleasurable way to build your skills and confidence as a lover and be able to give your lover the kind of touch and stimulation they really want.

Just like any other human experience, “sex” is actually a combination of tons of different physical, emotional and relational skills that all come together on the fly – or we struggle when we don’t have the skills we need to navigate the moment.

Here at PleasureMechanics, we offer resources and tools to develop a wide range of sexual techniques – from erotic communication and asking for what you want, to staying present during sex while you give and receive pleasure, to the skills of erotic spanking and kink for when you want to explore new thrills.

Here’s a quick menu to some of our best resources to develop sexual techniques with us. All of our online courses are backed by our no-questions-asked 30 day guarantee, so you can explore with no risk!

Uplevel Your Sexual Techniques:

  • Erotic Touch Mastery with The Pleasure Mechanics : Our two best-selling online courses, with skills for satisfying erotic touch for every inch of your lover’s body!
  • Your Next Erotic Adventure : Take your first steps into the thrills of kink, with our online course featuring 25 guided date nights
  • Mindful Sex : Practice staying present during pleasure, tapping into your ability to feel and come home to your erotic body.

Wanting Vs. Liking

Wanting something and liking it are two different things – and it is worth getting to know your own circuits of wanting vs. liking – so you know which pleasures might be most satisfying!

Wanting is all about anticipation – your mind imagines the perceived rewards ahead of you and starts pulling your attention towards that perceived positive experience.

Liking is a more nuanced system of satiation – it often involves responsive desire kicking in during a positive experience and asking for more!

The experience of Liking is also very context-dependent which is why we can really like a sensation in one moment and not in another.

Explore more about wanting vs. liking and these distinct pleasure systems

Spontaneous Vs. Responsive Desire : Podcast Episode

Fantasy Vs. Desire

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A crucial step in understanding your erotic imagination is making a clear distinction between FANTASY and DESIRE.  Many people try to start talking about sex by saying something like “Tell me about your fantasies. . .”  While this is a great question to ask, you can run into trouble if you mix up Fantasy with Desire. 

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In this encore episode, originally published in 2013, we explore:

  • the crucial difference of Fantasy Vs. Desire
  • how to release shame and judgement about “troublesome turn-ons”
  • how to safely share fantasies with a partner
  • why it is important to get curious about fantasies

Explore Your Fantasies, Name Your Desires

Here are some of our interactive resources to help you explore your fantasies and name your specific desires so you can get more of what you want! Ready for more? Join The Pleasure Pod & Unlock Members Only Resources

  • Questions & Conversation Starters About Fantasy Vs. Desire
  • Name Your Desires: Fill In The Blanks Worksheet
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