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Do you ever feel like you are stuck in a rut during lovemaking?
Routines are simply not very sexy, and with good reason. Our human brains adapt to any kind of repeated stimulation, focusing less attention on what is familiar to free up bandwidth to detect new and surprising stimulation.
This information is valuable in two ways. First, when you are touching your lover it is important to use both repetition and variety to create as much pleasure as possible. Repeating the strokes your lover likes best creates a steady build of arousal, but without an occasional surprise their body will tune out eventually.
The same is true in the bigger picture of your relationship. If you make love in the same way over and over again, boredom and numbness will set in. Intimacy will become less thrilling, less exciting and eventually you’ll tune out all together.
The solution? Seek novelty. This doesn’t mean you have to become a swinger or have an open relationship! Our erotic brains like novelty of all kinds. Any new experience you share with your lover will release dopamine in your brain, creating a thrill and the satisfaction of experiencing something new. Travel is one of the best ways to create novelty. Another easy way to tap into novelty is to do something new together, like taking a dance class. You get bonus points for anything that is a little risky or dangerous.
You can also apply the rule of novelty to your lovemaking. If you find yourself in a rut, make sure to focus on shaking things up by trying new activities, tapping into a variety of erotic energies and never doing it quite the same way twice in a row! Even small changes can make a big difference in how you feel about the sex you are having.
This week’s podcast is dedicated to strategies to get out of ruts. We heard from a member of our community who has been in a 10 year rut that is driving him crazy, but his wife isn’t willing to change things up. Tune in to hear our advice for getting out of the scripts and routines that are making his love life a bore.