Learn How To Say Yes No and Maybe
Establishing and maintaining boundaries is a skill that is sorely missing in most of our lives. We often say “yes” when we want to say “no” for fear of hurting someone else’s feelings or being judged. We stay at a party longer than we want to so we aren’t the first to say goodnight. We listen to a friend go on and on when we are distracted by something we need to be doing.
Think about how many times in the past week you overstepped a boundary, for whatever reason. Five? Ten? Thirty? Too many to count?
You are not alone – this is one of the major social skills that most of us need to exercise.
It can feel strange at first to establish and maintain a boundary – like we are betraying other social rules in order to take care of ourselves.
Try establishing firmer boundaries in the rest of your life – so what you choose to do you can do with pleasure and authentic enthusiasm. Say NO more often, or say Maybe and mean it. In return, when you ask for favors from other people, be prepared to hear no.
Ask for what you want or need more often, but allow people to say no and don’t take it personally. If we all got more used to both hearing and saying No, we could all enjoy our lives so much more.
Notice in your life where you are spending time or energy and resenting it – and think about strategies to shift those tasks towards more pleasure (“It would be a lot more fun to run the fundraiser with more people involved”, “I wouldn’t mind driving everyone else’s kids to practice if the other parents pitched in for gas money and snacks once in awhile”). Or, be radical and say No.
Even if you have already been doing something, say No (“I’ve been on this committee for three years now, I am going to step down and allow someone else to fill this role” or “Honey, would you be willing to take your own shirts to the cleaners? It is right on your way to work”) Use your voice, choose Yes No and Maybe deliberately, and establish firm boundaries in the bedroom and your life.
This is an essential step towards a resent-free and more pleasurable life.
One of the most important roles of boundaries is they allow you to relax and savor the experience more fully. If you know what is NOT going to happen, you can enjoy what IS happening much more fully. You don’t have to waste any energy or attention worrying about what is going to happen next.
A few things that may be a HUGE Turn ON or Turn OFF :
- Commenting on details of bottom’s appearance
- “Punishing” for an indiscretion or disobedience
- Requiring bottom to ask for forgiveness, to beg or to ask for the spanking.
- Using degrading language like slut, bitch, whore, fag, pussy
- Threatening additional forms of punishment / violence
Towards A Resent Free Sexuality
Boundaries allow us to move towards resent-free sexuality. This means only sharing touch and sexual pleasure when you are both in the mood – and never going along with sex just to “get it out of the way” or meet your partner’s demands. Otherwise, resent builds up, tarnishing a relationship with bitterness and anger.
Or, you set and maintain boundaries and avoid the toxic buildup of resentment and regret.
If you have sex when you don’t feel like it, or allow your partner to touch you against your true wishes, it will never serve you in the long run. By actively choosing to communicate about boundaries and consent, you can develop a relationship where you are both on board fully.
This doesn’t have to be clinical – with practice and intimacy you will know one another’s cues and can communicate easily about what you are in the mood for.
Keep The Conversation Going!
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