Pleasure Mechanics

Healthy Fucking

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Healthy Fucking :: Free Podcast Episode
What is the difference between having sex, making love and fucking? The same physical acts can create very different subjective experiences. Many of us crave more fucking, but don’t know quite how to get there.

PassionateMarriagePassionate Marriage is one of the best books about sex and relationships that we’ve ever come across, and the entire book is well worth reading.

Get your free Audible version of Passionate Marriage by clicking here!

After exploring many facets of sexual intimacy, David Schnarch turns his attention to the experience of fucking, and why so many people find it harder to fuck their spouse than a stranger.  

Here are some excerpts from this exploration of healthy fucking:

Fucking involves a unique tone of engagement and experience. People who know it know when they feel it – and with whom they feel it. To those who like it, it’s often more important than orgasm itself. Fucking embodies a lusty, lascivious eagerness for pleasure… a delicious, desirous wantonness. It is the opposite of crudeness; it is sex embellished with erotic virtuosity. There is deliberate intent to arouse (and satisfy) passion. Fucking makes for intense sexual encounters.

Fucking involves doing and being done – as in doing your partner and being done by him or her. It’s the doing and being done that some crave and others fear. It involves energy exchange through patterns of coordinated stimulation and role behaviors.

Do you know what it feels like when somebody’s doing you – not just bringing you to orgasm or having intercourse  but really doing you? Do you know what it feels like to do somebody else?

Fucking is the subjective experience of doing each other and being done simultaneously.

Many people, male or female, have a hard time cranking loose their eroticism with the person they married.

The real issue here is potency, in this case manifested as sexual intent.

In marriage, sexual intent can involve love, caretaking, mutuality and nurturance, among others. We so rarely address sexual intent that we never think of fucking as loving (in fact, many think of it as “debased sex” and the farthest thing from making love). We think love and caring lead to desire for tender sex, but we don’t associate these with the carnivorous intent involved with doing your partner. The only part we think is involved in fucking is people’s “dark” side.

This brings us to the other issue noted above: what “kind” of aggression is involved? Society may accept that anger can be healthy – but not when it’s mixed with sex. Becuase sexualied aggression too often fuels degradation, abuse, and rape, all forms of it have been banished from the bed. The problem is that healthy aggression plays a role in healthy fucking.

Think of it as a productive way to use pent-up energy in the relationship. Having sex with as much energy as you expend at the gym is good for you physically and emotionally, and much better for your relationship. People don’t have sex to the point of exhaustion the same way they do in their workouts, but it would probably help everything if they did.

Get your free Audible version of Passionate Marriage by clicking here!

Your challenge: Fantasize about what it means to fuck. How does it feel in comparison to making love? Do you crave fucking more in your relationship? If so, what steps can you take to open up to healthy fucking?

Cuddling

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Cuddling :: Free Podcast Episode

Cuddling is one of the most important things you can do for your relationship. Cuddling offers many benefits for your physical health and for your relationship. Every expert – from sex educators to doctors to therapists – recommend cuddling. Most people love some element of cuddling – either the physical affection or the emotional intimacy.

But cuddling does offer some challenges that are rarely talked about! From dead limb syndrome to mismatched desires for cuddling, cuddling can actually create conflict in a relationship if it is not approached with the right skills and strategies!

In this podcast (hit the “play” button at the top of this page to start listening!)

Let’s be clear: cuddling is a very healthy practice. Skin to skin contact releases the healthy hormones oxytocin and dopamine, both of which offer a range of benefits from boosting your immune system to regulating your sleep patterns. But most of us don’t cuddle for the medicinal effects. We cuddle to express love and affection, to feel close to our loved ones and to slow down long enough to really connect. A good cuddle session can leave you feeling loved, relaxed and nourished with love.

Since cuddling is so great, let’s explore how you can enjoy even more of it in your relationship.

First, find your cuddle style!

Cuddling Positions:

Not everyone likes the intense physical closeness of spooning, for example. Try lots of positions and notice the emotional energetics of each one. Some cuddling positions feel more mutual while others feel like one partner is “holding” the other. Spooning offers the closeness of full body-to-body contact, while other positions minimize physical contact while maintaining the intimacy of cuddling. Try a whole range of positions and notice the emotional and physical feelings of each one!

Don’t get stuck in a cuddling rut! Trying new positions allows each of you to experience the whole range of cuddling experiences. The term “jetpacking” refers to the physically smaller partner being on the outside of the spooning position. We love this nickname and encourage you to not limit your cuddling based on assumptions due to physical size or gender norms!

Cuddling Times:

Do you like to cuddle in front of the TV? before sleep? upon waking? Do you want to create dedicated cuddle time? There are many opportunities for cuddling. While cuddling in front of the TV can offer many of the physical benefits of cuddling, your emotional attention is directed at the screen rather than at one another, so it may feel less intimate.

Cuddling Capacity:

Just like everyone has a different level of libido, everyone craves a certain amount of cuddling. This means that between you and your partner, it is quite normal to have a gap between how much cuddling you each want. Discuss this openly and don’t make it a problem. Try to meet one another’s needs without either of you becoming a martyr. We discuss this issue in depth in the podcast episode (just hit “play” at the top of this page!)

Cuddling Needs:

When navigating your cuddling times with your partner, try to be specific about what you need. Do you just want to relax in your lover’s arms? Do you want to connect emotionally and talk? Are you in the mood for sex and using cuddling as the first steps of foreplay? The more clear and specific you can be about what you need, the more likely you are to get it!

Cuddling Troubleshooting:

Some people avoid cuddling because of specific annoyances. Rather than giving up the benefits of cuddling, it is worthwhile exploring solutions. Here are some of the more common cuddling annoyances we hear about and a few possible solutions!

  • Temperature: Does one of you burn up while the other basks in the heat? Regulate your individual temperatures with clothing and blankets so you can both be comfortable. You don’t have to both be under the same blanket to be intimate! Give yourself permission to take cuddling breaks to roll over, cool off and then come back to cuddling when you are ready!
  • Dead Limb Syndrome: Don’t ever feel stuck in one position, especially if it means one of your limbs falling asleep. There are no martyrs in cuddling! Always adjust for comfort. This requires exploring a range of positions so you never feel stuck or smothered. Changing positions doesn’t have to mean breaking the intimacy. Remember, unless both of you are comfortable you’ll never sink into that exquisite zone of intimacy, so it is well worth the time to find the positions that work best for your unique combination of bodies and move between them as you need!
  • Hair Management: Sometimes it can be hard to relax if a big beautiful head of hair is choking one of you! If hair is getting in the way of enjoying cuddling, consider using a headwrap, scarf or other hair management tool! Or, making smoothing the hair away a part of the cuddling experience.

Take Cuddling To The Next Level:

Cuddling can be a pathway to profound intimacy and physical pleasure. On the podcast we cover 5 techniques for making cuddling even better. Listen in (hit the “play” button at the top of the page!) to hear about:

  • Two simple tools to deepen your physical and emotional connection
  • A game for couples to strengthen your intimate bond
  • Two touch techniques to add to cuddling for more physical pleasure

May you enjoy the profound pleasures of cuddling your whole life long!
Ready to unlock the power of foreplay? Add massage to your cuddling with our Couples Massage Mastery Course and then check out the Foreplay Mastery Online Course to take your love life to the next level of orgasmic pleasure!

Facesitting

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Facesitting :: Free Podcast Episode

Facesitting is a very common fantasy for men (and women who have sex with women!) Facesitting is also sometimes called Queening, which is a beautiful term that draws attention to the idea that the woman is at the center of this fantasy. It is her pleasure that drives this fantasy. She is the Queen and her lover’s face is the throne!

We received the following email from a podcast listener:

Hey Pleasure Mechanics. My boyfriend found your show and we’ve been listening every chance we get. It has opened up some really amazing conversations, so we both want to thank you. Recently, after listening to a totally unrelated episode, he blurted out “How do you feel about facesitting?” My first reaction was to laugh, but then I got intrigued. I asked him what exactly he meant and he explained it has always been a huge fantasy of his to have a woman sit on his face while he gives oral sex, and he wondered if I would try it. I enjoy receiving oral, but have never tried this position. I’m open to it, and his birthday is coming up, so any tips to make this really hot for him? Thanks again! – Yvonne

Why Is Facesitting So Sexy?

First, for people who enjoy pussy (vulva, use your term of choice here!) facesitting gives the ultimate experience of being engulfed in it. Facesitting creates the feeling of being totally surrounded by the beautiful vulva. Some people take it a step further and want to be totally smothered in pussy!

Facesitting also is all about pleasuring a woman who is in control of her pleasure. To climb up and straddle your lover’s face you need a certain amount of confidence and there is nothing sexier than a confident woman who is ready to claim her pleasure! Feeling a strong, sexy woman writhe around on your face is incredibly hot.

Finally, facesitting is oral sex amped up to the next level. Giving a woman oral sex is really hot already, and when that woman is moving around with pleasure on your face, teasing you with her pussy, it is even more blissful. Facesitting means you get to feel the weight of her body and look up and see her magnificent body above you. For many people who love women, this is pure heaven!

The Facesitting Experience For The Receiver

What is fascinating about facesitting is that many of the same elements that make it so sexy for the giver are precisely what make it challenging for so many women to receive!

Being on top during sex is vulnerable enough for a lot of women, and oral sex is challenging for many women, so when you combine the two it is downright terrifying for some and awkward for others!

Facesitting means you are totally exposed. Your pussy is right there, covering your lover’s face, and there is no room for being shy or reserved about it. You need to believe that your lover is totally excited and aroused by your pussy. For so many women who have mixed feelings about their vulva and it’s taste and smell, this is a real challenge to accept. But if you can make the leap, and your lover is enthusiastically participating, facesitting can be the ultimate act of celebration. You get to have the experience of being completely proud of your pussy and ready to accept being completely worshipped as you ride your lover’s face!

Listen to the podcast (hit the “play” button at the top of the page!) for specific tips for making facesitting super exciting for both of you. In the podcast we cover:

  • how to make facesitting positions comfortable
  • how to switch it up for a variety of pleasures
  • safety tips for facesitting
  • how to use hands in combination with the mouth for even more facesitting pleasure
  • toys and accessories specifically designed for facesitting
  • how to add different erotic energies to change up the experience
  • how to create full erotic experiences with facesitting as the highlight
  • how to orgasm during facesitting

We challenge you to experience the pleasures of facesitting. It can be challenging and vulnerable at first, but ultimately offers an incredible and liberating experience of pleasure for both of you!

Enjoy facesitting and want even more strategies and techniques to lavish her with orgasmic pleasure? Check out the Foreplay Mastery Online Course for everything you need to know to create extraordinary erotic experiences!