Pleasure Mechanics

What’s Your Fetish

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What turns you on? What REALLY turns you on?

We all have a unique constellation of things that arouse us – some expected and some very surprising. If we can let go of shame and cultural baggage around our arousal patterns, we are freed up to be much more authentic and have way more fun in bed.

In this episode, we explore the vast galaxy of sexual fetishes to reveal we all have something that is strangely erotic, and embracing our fetishes is key to having a fun, playful sex life.

A fetish is any object or situation that creates a spike of arousal for you. No one knows why people develop particular fetishes. It is not because of childhood events, nor is it a disorder of any kind. Fetishes are just a quirk of human sexuality. Some of us develop very strong arousal patterns to things that may or may not be arousing at all to other people.

People often want to know where fetishes come from. No one knows the answer to this question. Some report childhood incidents of highly charged emotions, but others have no idea where their fetish got started. Why do we need to know? Does it help alleviate shame? Perhaps it is more fun to revel in the mystery and quirkiness of fetishes.

Kinky sex can involve fetishes, but if you don’t have a fetish there is no need to seek one out. Rather, you can let yourself be curious about the world of fetishes and be open to unexpected turn-ons.

If, however, you have a fetish that you fantasize about but have never experienced with your partner, it is worth talking about it and exploring the possibility of integrating your fetish(es) into your sex play together.

Here are just a few of the infinite array of fetishes:

  • Food 
  • Body parts – feet, ears, hair
  • Textiles and Clothing – Latex, Leather, Stockings, Silk Underwear
  • Body Fluids and Functions – Menstrual blood, Urine, Spit, Sweat
  • Animal accessories – Dog leashes, Horse saddles
  • Furry Costumes or Mascot Costumes
  • Jewelry, Body Modifications

Now, take a deep breath. We’re going to ask you to disclose one or more fetishes to one another. Remember all that we learned about non-judgemental communication. Just because one of you is interested in a particular fetish doesn’t mean you have to explore it together. Instead, think of it as a potential ingredient in your sexual pantry. Some ingredients, like sugar and flour, you may reach for frequently. Others are specialty ingredients that you may only use once a year. If one of you is interested and the other is turned off by the idea, it can be part of your fantasy life alone.

Ok, now one at a time, reveal something in your “interested ” or “very interested” list. Then give your partner time to respond. You may not know WHY you find something sexy. This is part of something being a fetish – it is hard to know why it turns you on! Instead, ask the following questions:

* Is there a specific way you’d like to explore this fetish?

* How do you see this fitting into our sex life? (Many people worry that it will have to be part of sex every time and thus they’ll lose the sex they know and love)

* What kinds of fantasies do you have about this fetish?

* If your partner is turned off by this fetish, is there any version of it they would be open to exploring?

For example, if he reveals that he has a foot fetish (one of the most common fetishes) your conversation can explore exactly how you want to play with it. Here are some varieties of how this might go:

* I get really turned on when you wear high heels, would you consider wearing them more often while we have sex?

* Are you open to having your feet touched during sex?

* You can touch my feet, but I don’t know how I feel about toe sucking. Can we start with a foot massage and see how it feels to make that part of our play?

* I really want to submit to you, while you are wearing boots, and want you to order me to lick your shoes and grovel at your feet. Then I want you to step on my chest while ordering me to jerk off for you

* I love seeing your feet while we fuck. Can we explore positions where you put your feet up on my chest so I can look at them, touch them and kiss your toes while fucking you?

Ultimately, getting honest about your fetishes and erotic preferences will help you have a more joyful, fulfilling sex life. If you are ready to dive in an explore kinky sex, check out our Kinky Sex Mastery Online Course.

 

Sex Positions – Who Is In Control?

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In response to a caller’s advice about changing sex positions, we explore what a sex position can and can not change about your erotic experience. Does the position you use change who is in control of your pleasure? Does it mean you might last longer in bed or orgasm more quickly? What can a sex position influence, and what is all about attitude?

Here is a transcript from the call:

Hi Pleasure Mechanics. You can call me Tom. I just listened to your podcast on men lasting longer, and I noticed you did not include so far as I heard a discussion of the position these people were using. I guess you just assume that the man was on top because if the man is on the bottom she can relax much more than he would if he is on the top seeing as how there’s a lot of muscle tension. Holding yourself up, thrusting and that all contributes to the premature ejaculation Why not suggest that the woman be on top and be cognizant of how he is doing in other words, change places. So that it’s the woman who’s running the f*** as they say. and takes also the responsibilities for both persons pleasure. I’m pretty sure that the man would last quite a bit longer if he doesn’t have all that responsibility. Thanks, bye.

This call was in response to episode 2: How To Last Longer In Bed. While changing positions may help men last longer in bed, the themes in this call are important to reflect on whether or not you want to learn how to maintain longer erections.

A specific sex position does not guarantee a specific erotic experience. Each position creates different emotions, physical dynamics and arousal for different people. So while experimenting with new positions is always a fun way to change things up, it doesn’t create any fixed outcome.

Yet the question of “who is in control of the fuck” is a great one no matter what position you are in. All too often, it is assumed that the partner doing the penetration (usually the man) should be in control. But receiving penetration doesn’t mean being passive, and it is vital for everyone to learn how to be an active receiver.

It is also important to differentiate between being passive and being relaxed. You can be very relaxed while receiving and still be an active erotic partner. We believe it is essential to “take turns” once in awhile when it comes to giving and receiving in bed. The opportunity to simply relax and receive stimulation without having to reciprocate is a delicious erotic experience. Oral sex and erotic massage are both great activities to practice “one way sex.

Thanks to Tom for calling in with this response to the podcast episode. You can record your own message, question or advice to be shared on the podcast by clicking here.

Level Up Your Love Skills

This episode has been retired.

Harris O’Malley is a blogger and dating coach who provides geek dating advice at DoctorNerdLove.com

While he’s not a real doctor, Harris is tremendously successful at performing surgery on out of date myths that hold us all back, resuscitating much needed wisdom and healing the hearts of nerds worldwide. His latest book is called It’s Dangerous To Go Alone: A Relationship Survival Handbook

In this podcast episode, we covered:

  • The origins of Dr. Nerdlove
  • The myths that set men (and women!) up for dating failure
  • The key to dating and sex success
  • Dr. Nerdlove’s vision for healthy masculinity
  • Pick Up Artistry reimagined
  • Why monogamy has to be a daily choice
  • Why we all need to “Expect More and Be More”

The State of Male Sexuality

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How has male sexuality been treated by our sex negative cultural legacy? What pressures do men face in today’s sex culture? Why are men taught to believe that their sexuality is simple and their pleasure limited to a simple ejaculatory orgasm (when SO much more is possible!)

It is widely understood that men have been the sexual oppressors and women have been the oppressed – and for the most part that is true. But the deeper truth is the oppressor also suffers from these systems of oppression. Sexuality as a whole has been repressed and vilified. This means that both male and female sexuality have been demonized. We are all affected by this legacy of sexual repression.

Recently, as we start to have conversations about sexual abuse and assault, men have been cast as sexual predators. Some are (as are some women) but for the most part we are all just trying to figure out how to have a healthy expression of sexuality. Men struggle with being able to express their sexual desire without coming across as a predator.

Meanwhile, we talk about men as if they are brainless sex machines and should be ready for sex at any moment. Men’s sexuality is said to be “simple” while female sexuality is the complicated, mysterious force. This puts enormous pressure on men to be able to perform sexually at any moment. If an erection goes away during sex, it is understood as a moment of tremendous shame and embarrassment, rather than a natural part of the arousal cycle. If a man isn’t in the mood for sex at any given moment, his masculinity and virility are called into question.

Men are expected to be the ones to initiate sex, which also sets them up as the target of sexual rejection. Rejection is a powerful emotional force. In fMRI studies, it has been shown that rejection lights up the same area of the brain as physical pain. So the more men get rejected, the more sexual pain they carry around. Eventually, most men stop initiating sex so as to avoid the painful cycle of rejection.

Men worry endlessly about how their penis stacks up against other men: is it big enough, thick enough, hard enough? Does it stay hard long enough? Watching porn exacerbates this anxiety, as men are flooded with images of huge cocks that stay hard magically. What they don’t see is they huge amounts of erection medication and video editing that create the illusion of the everready hard penis.

Men are also told that the ejaculatory, penis focused orgasm is the final destination in their sexual pleasure. They are denied information about male multiple orgasms, non-ejaculatory orgasms and prostate orgasms.  It is as if men should be grateful to have a simple orgasm and not ask for more.

We’d love to hear about your experiences with male sexuality! Be in touch and share your story.

Slow Masturbation from The Joy of Sex

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Slow Masturbation from The Joy of Sex

Imagine combining the best of oral sex, handjobs, bondage and the edging technique. That’s what this technique from the 1972 sex manual The Joy of Sex offers! In this episode we share the details of how to put this technique into practice for a fun, erotic and thrilling experience!

This episode features an excerpt from The Joy of Sex by Alex Comfort.