Pleasure Mechanics

The Fantasy Method

The Fantasy Method: How To Discover Your Authentic Sexual Desires and Create a Fulfilling Sex Life was originally published in 2011. Now, 10 years later, we are currently updating this into an interactive online course! Join our newsletter to be amongst the first to participate!

 The human erotic imagination is a vast wilderness of sexual possibilities. We are all capable of enjoying a pleasurable, satisfying and potentially ecstatic sex life.

Yet our culture encourages us to keep the window of possibility very narrow, limiting our erotic expression to a short list of approved activities and energies. To truly experience sexual freedom, you must reclaim your erotic imagination and allow yourself to make your sex life a work of art, your very own creation designed to fulfill your unique needs and desires.

The Fantasy Method offers an exciting way to break out of your sexual scripts and discover your authentic sexual desires, so you can begin experiencing the true potential of your sexuality. This is a process you can use over time, at your own pace, to constantly uncover new aspects of yourself as a sexual being.

First, we invite you to unleash the power of your imagination and actively explore the outer reaches of human sexual possibility. You’ll be invited to pay attention to what themes and elements your body responds to, mapping your arousal and excitement as you travel through the vast erotic wilderness of fantasy.

Next, you’ll learn how to get specific about your authentic sexual desires, those elements and energies from your fantasy that you want to experience more of in your sex life. Finally, you’ll learn how to set goals – alone and with your lover – to make those desires a reality. We guide you step by step in negotiating and communicating about your fantasies, desires and goals so you have the best possibility of making your deepest desires part of your erotic reality.

In these three steps, impossibly wild fantasies become real lived experiences. Instead of settling for a mundane, average sexual existence, you invest in creating a fulfilling, exciting and gratifying erotic life. Many of us want more when it comes to sex, but don’t know where to begin. This strategy is the starting point for countless erotic adventures, designed just for you and your lover.

 

Foreplay

Great sex begins with foreplay. Most of what we think of “foreplay” is touch – full body touch, erotic touch, the touch of our lips on one another’s body. Touch is how we seduce our lovers, create arousal, and become orgasmic.

Erotic touch and massage are not always preludes to more intense sexual activities – but they serve as the foundation for deeply satisfying erotic experiences.

Foreplay is also about how you treat one another throughout your days, and working towards creating a culture of pleasure in your relationship. This is what we call “Keeping It Warm So It Is Easier To Get Hot”

Our Foreplay Mastery Online Course has been our #1 bestselling online course for over a decade – why? because it offers timeless techniques and proven strategies to make sex great again!

Death To Foreplay!

How often do you hear these trite quips about sex:

“Women want more foreplay”

“Women need more foreplay than men”

“Maybe there just wasn’t enough foreplay”

As sex educators and experts in erotic touch, we hear things like this all time. Lack of foreplay is constantly cited as the scapegoat for mediocre sex. As if it were salt, present only to enhance the main dish.

We’re here to declare Death to Foreplay. And you’re invited to the after party.

Foreplay. Fore – Play. As in “before” the “play” – the prelude to the big event.

When you think of foreplay, what activities do you include. Quick, make a list.

Here is our short list:

– Full Body Touch and Caress

– Eye Contact

– Kissing

– Nibbling

– Full Body Contact

– Talking and Laughing

– Licking the Body

– Stimulation of the Genitals with Hands

– Oral Sex

That last one is tricky, right? Many people consider Oral Sex full-on sex, on par with vaginal or oral intercourse. Other people consider it far more intimate. (We like to call this “The Hierarchy of Orifices”)

But for most people, the Foreplay Activities List would look pretty similar.

We say it is time to put an end to “Foreplay”

What bothers us here as experts in arousal is certainly not the activities on that list.

What is essential is that all of these activities, plus penetrative intercourse, are considered as equal opportunities for pleasure, a range of activities that we humans can do with our bodies in different combinations for the most possible sexual pleasure.

What is essential is that we end the notion that all of these activities are just a prelude to “the real thing” and that only certain acts “count.” These turns of phrases may have been relevant when we were teenagers, but as adults we need a sexual language that better serves our reality, right?

When couples start keeping track of “what counts” there is a fundamental break-down in intimacy.

The goal of an erotic relationship, for most people, is mutual pleasure and fulfillment. Most of us want our lovers to feel loved, cherished, desired, satisfied and turned on. And most of us want to feel the same things – sexy and satisfied.

Think for a minute about your erotic goals – what kind of sex life do you really want? Consistent? Exciting? Comforting? Raw? Seductive? What words come to mind. Make a list!

Now that you have a sense of what kind of sex life you want, think about what kind of sex that life includes.

What is working now:

What I want more of:

What I want less of:

In our work with thousands of men, women and couples, we’ve never seen anyone list simply: I Want More Vaginal Intercourse and Anal Sex.

Most people can’t even imagine a sex life comprised exclusively of penetration. So why do we take this whole realm of erotic touch, all the ways we pleasure one another, and dump it in this frumpy category of “Foreplay”

Here’s just one theory: the language we use to talk about sex is weighed down with baggage from a puritan past, when pleasure was something to fear and be ashamed of, not something to be embraced and harnessed for good!

So if our collective goal is to experience the sex life of our dreams – whatever that looks like for you – then we need to expand our experience of erotic touch. Forget Foreplay – what we need more of, what there is never too much of, what we could ALL use, is more TOUCH. Quality, skilled touch. Erotic Touch.

There are some metaphors that just work for sex so we’re going to run with a couple. Use whatever imagery works for you and your life.

Many people think about being aroused and turned-on as being “hot” – once we are “hot” we are in the zone.

It is often thought that men can swing faster between “hot” and “cold.”  The theory goes that men can be turned on by just about anything, and are ready for sex whenever there is a willing partner around. Think of an instant tea kettle – push one button and you’ve got a shot of hot water.

Women, on the other hand, are thought to be like a big pot of water – it takes a long time to get her “hot” but once she has been brought to a boil, there is a long lasting heat.

How true do those metaphors feel to you?

We think most people, male and female, experience a combination of the classic gendered stereotypes. Most of us experience a mix of what scientists call “spontaneous desire” and “responsive desire” – sometimes we are turned on and aroused seemingly out of nowhere, other times we need to be seduced and have our arousal drawn out of us.

So many factors influence our ability to feel turned on and ready for sexual intimacy. To name just a few big ones: health, finances, stress, family, ambient temperature.

Here’s what we know for sure: 

Most people want to get “hot” more often.

Very few people like the feeling of being sexually “cold”

Our proposal: Cultivate a relationship where you both are kept “warm” so when the mood and opportunity strikes, it is way easier to get “hot.” To follow our pot of water metaphor, we believe it is possible to keep a huge cauldron of arousal at a slow simmer, fueling your relationship and ready to be brought to a boil when occasion calls.

Feeling Stuck In A Sexless Marriage?

If you are in a sexless marriage, and are looking for ways to reconnect with your lover, you are not alone. Estimates range from 10% – 40% of all marriages are sexless, defined as engaging in sexual activity less than four times a year. We have worked with couples who have not touched one another for 20 years – so wherever you are in your sexless marriage, remember that you are not alone and it is not your fault!

This page, and this site, is for the rest of you. If you want to reconnect and reanimate your sex life, you are in the right place.

We are not relationship therapists, nor do we know you well enough to give you any advice specific to your situation.

We are however experts in touch – couples massage and erotic touch – and the #1 recommendation from sex therapists meeting couples in sexless marriages is to try more touch!

We’ve partnered with therapists over the years and the verdict is that our massage guides are an excellent place for couples to start rekindling the ability to touch one another, communicate and exchange pleasurable, intimate touch – without the pressure of sex looming!

You may have heard of Sensate Focus. This is a technique developed by Masters & Johnson, early sexologists who basically “wrote the book” of modern sex therapy. Sensate Focus is a long, drawn-out practice where couples reconnect through one-way touch. Our online full body massage course capture all of the benefits of sensate focus – while offering much more pleasure and relaxation (which we all need!) and moving at a pace that fits modern lives.

Here is our guidance for people in sexless marriages who want to find a pathway back to sharing pleasurable touch:

1. Confirm your willingness to touch one another. You must both authentically want to share touch, even if it is scary, even if you doubt it will work, the willingness must be in place.

2. Set aside 10 minutes, 3 times a week.

3. Enroll in the Couples Massage Mastery Online Course. We believe everyone can learn how to give a great massage, and we want every couple around the world to share massage as part of their intimate relationship! With the stroke-by-stroke follow along video guides, you’ll quickly learn how to touch one another with more skill and confidence. Hit play, follow along, and relax into it together!

4. Take turns Giving and Receiving. On any given day, one of you gives the other a massage. No swapping right away. This is important to give each of you the opportunity to feel the role of Giver or Receiver fully, and allow any issues to come up clearly. Here is a podcast about Giving & Receiving

5. Make massage a regular part of your life. Free from the pressures of sex, arousal and all the issues that might bring up, massage is your opportunity to explore what it means to touch each other in a whole new way.  You’ll be learning something new together, which experts say is excellent for emotional intimacy. Plus, you’ll be offering one another quality, relaxing, pleasurable touch. Our video guides are designed to give you success stories right off the bat – we put together sequences that are both easy to learn and highly effective. You may be amazed at how good your lover’s touch can feel!

6. Pay attention to the emotions that come up during the massage exchange. You may find major clues about unresolved issues that have created physical distance in your relationship. The roles of Giver and Receiver bring up a lot of emotions for people. Notice if you feel any anger, resentment, longing, sadness, or any other unexpected emotion. Continue with the massage but make sure to spend time on the emotional issues that arise. In our experience, massage is the best way to bring to the surface all the unspoken issues between couples that may be the real reason you are avoiding physical intimacy.

7. Exchange massage as a regular part of your relationship – 2-3 times a week, if only for 5 or 10 minutes at a time. Then add in kissing, cuddling and pillow talk as you bask in the afterglow of your massage. Allow the intimacy to deepen. When giving each other massage starts feeling joyful, easy and more physically intimate, you can amp up the erotic intimacy. Try giving massage in the nude, allowing more body contact between you. Start adding in kisses as you give massage. Look into one another’s eyes and linger, allowing that vulnerability to bridge the space between you.

8. Talk about sex outside of the bedroom. Take walks or drives together and discuss sex as a general topic of conversation (rather than your own sex life!) Where did you first learn about sex? Who were your first celebrity crushes? What would you want to tell your teenage self about sex if you could go back in time? What are your sexual values? Can sex and love be separate? By talking about sex in general you’ll develop more comfort when it comes to discussing your own sex life.

9. If you are ready to explore more sexual intimacy, consider our Foreplay Mastery Course, which demonstrates (on lifelike replicas, no pornography here!) how to touch  your lover’s most sensitive parts with your hands. The skill of sexually pleasing your lover with just your hands is a game changer- all of a sudden you can bring one another tremendous pleasure without intercourse- and this frees couples up to be more sexual when intercourse just feels like too much, or is out of the question for any reason. Learning how to touch and give your partner sexual pleasure with your hands will transform your sex life, we guarantee it.

10. Notice what has changed in your relationship. If you’ve completed the 9 steps above, you will be in a new place than when you started. Is there anything you want to express to one another now? What kind of sex life do you both want? Ask one another the following question and see how your answers line up: “Darling, what would your ideal sex life look like?” With the physical connection reestablished through massage, you may find that your sexual connection is now within reach!

I would LOVE to hear from anyone who has read this page! If you are trying out these techniques, contact us and share how they are working. If you are in a sexless marriage and this page is useful to you, let us know what worked for you. If you think we are totally off base, let us know! You can contact us privately here.

We wish you well, and hope that a more fulfilling, mutually pleasurable erotic life is just around the corner for you and your lover. Remember, you are not alone!

Yab Yum

Yab Yum is a posture used in neo-Tantra, where one partner sits cross legged or with legs extended. The other partner sits facing them in the lap, legs wrapped around their waist.  Both partners place their right hand on the nape of their partner’s neck, and their left hand at the small of their lover’s back

Yab Yum (yabyum to some!) is a very intimate posture, allowing full body contact, while being able to look right in one another’s eyes.

This posture can be done with our without penetration. It is often used as a posture for breathing practices and intimacy exercises.