How do you ask for what you want in bed? Do you wait around hoping your partner will know what you want? Do you send out subtle signals of sexual willingness- only to feel rejected when your partner doesn’t get the message?
We ALL need to develop the skills of naming authentic desires and inviting other people to share in our pleasures. True seduction is an invitation – it is not a request of a NEED but rather an invitation to share a WANT, a LONGING.
Here is how to invite your partner to share more pleasure with you – no matter how simple or elaborate your sexual desire. It’s our formula for a good ask in bed every time.
This framework is loosely inspired by “Have A Good Ask” by partnership coach Alison Armstrong. You can find her work here.
While most people acknowledge that they are afraid of getting a ‘NO,’ we don’t talk enough about how hesitant we are to follow up a ‘YES.’ People wonder if putting pressure on folks to do what they committed to might ‘ruin it,’ causing the person to withdraw their ‘Yes.’ Or might it make them hesitant to ever say ’Yes’ again if you’re actually going to expect them to deliver? Can you see how this would leave us with just the hope and prayer that people will come through – without any real power or certainty? — Alison Armstrong
Alison Armstrong offers the model of asking for what you need with increasing levels of pressure and urgency- she calls it AIDE:
Her model is learning how to make an ask that is specific and clear – and then use a consistent and reliable increase in pressure to hold the other person accountable for their “yes”
Alison Armstrong’s “A Great Ask” uses this framework:
- I need _____ – simple statement
- Getting this done would look like: ____ – what, when, how often, by when
- It would provide _____ – what would this give, allow, enable
- What do you need to give me what I am asking for?
For sexual requests, we need a model that doesn’t frame a request as a NEED and that allows your partner to freely opt in to sharing that pleasure with you. It could be a hug or an elaborate kinky sex scene: every act of erotic intimacy requires some communication about desire and an “ask” – an invitation to play together.
Here is our best acronym! DISC(O?)
- Desire (I am interested and willing)
- Invite and Offer (Are you interested and willing?)
- Seduce (Here’s a taste! Want more?)
- Consent / Initiate (We’re doing this!)
- Optimize! (How can we make this even better for both of us!)
For a treasure trove of free resources to optimize YOUR sexual experience, enroll in our free course Erotic Essentials.