Common Kink Questions and Concerns: Answered!
Here are some of the more common questions we get asked about spanking and kinky play. Ready to explore with us? Embark on Your Next Erotic Adventure – we’ll be there with you every step of the way.
Is it normal to want kinky sex?
When is it a kink? When is it a fetish?
Many people enjoy spanking as part of their erotic experience. A very small portion of these people have a spanking fetish, and even fewer have a paraphilia. A fetish is when a non-sexual object or situation creates extreme arousal. If you get turned on by non-erotic spanking scenarios, you may have a bit of a fetish. This isn’t necessarily a problem as long as you can maintain healthy sexual boundaries and your obsession with spanking isn’t interrupting your life in any way.
A paraphilia is when a fetish becomes isolated, when it is the only way to achieve high levels of arousal. If you can’t get turned on by anything but a spanking, or if spanking arouses you to uncontrollable highs, you may want to seek the assistance of a qualified sex therapist.
Remember, this is only a concern if spanking (or any other fetish) becomes so extreme that you can’t function as a healthy adult. If your sexual needs are overwhelming your responsibilities to your job, family or relationship, that may be cause for concern.
Enjoying spanking on its own is absolutely normal and is not indication of any kind of perversion or illness. As a culture we are currently getting over centuries of sexual oppression and shaming that has left powerful residues that make people doubt their normalcy and sanity. We are here to tell you that enjoying a wide range of sexual stimulation, even more intense forms of sensation, is part of being a human being with an active sexuality. There is nothing “sick” about spanking whatsoever, as long as both people are enjoying the activity and openly consenting to their roles in the sexual exchange.
What if the top hits their limit first?
Giving a great spanking is a lot of work. It requires physical stamina on top of a constant awareness of the bottom’s responses. It is also important to note that the Top’s hand gets sensitive, red and hot just like the butt being spanked.
The Top may well reach their own limit of how much they can give while the bottom is still craving more. Try mixing in more loose fist pummels and forearm whams. If the Top still fatigues sooner than the bottom, it may be time to start exploring gloves or paddles.
One way to address “top fatigue” is to explore using a range of gloves to pad the top’s hands. Slim fitting leather gloves can work great, or try on a pair of padded motorcycle gloves. While gloves protect the top’s hands, they also soften the blows and change the sensations of the spanking, so some people find that they don’t address the issue of “top fatigue” as well as using a tool such as a paddle.
Paddles come in a huge range of sizes, materials and levels of quality. We highly recommend starting with a small leather covered paddle. Wood and plastic paddles can be very brutal, so are not for beginners. Spanking will probably be a lifelong erotic exploration, so give yourself permission to buy one toy, explore it fully, and then slowly build your collection. Remember that when you add a tool to the spanking, you need to start exploring intensity from the beginning again – the Top will not be able to gauge the impact as easily.
What if the bottom starts crying during a spanking or other kinky scene?
Tears can be a very normal and quite common part of the spanking experience. Some people find a good cry cathartic, an opportunity to purge long pent-up emotions leading to a profound release of emotional tension. Other people like finding the edge of what they can physically withstand and riding that edge until tears are inevitable.
It takes a very confident and present lover to allow the bottom to have this kind of emotional release and keep the experience going. Of course, you don’t want to keep spanking your lover if their tears are a sign that you’ve spanked too hard too quickly – but if the tears are an expression of a beneficial release of tension, stopping the scene will interrupt that experience. So it is a fine line to navigate, and hopefully by the time you have arrived at this situation you will be able to communicate through it.
In general, if you hear your bottom start to cry, check for signs of how much they are enjoying the spanking. Are they relaxed and receiving each blow, or are they tense and struggling away from you? Is their breathing deep and steady, or are they holding their breath? Try to determine if they are in the middle of a pleasurable catharsis or not.
If you are unsure if you should continue, bring your hands to rest on their butt and give it a light massage. Stroke their hair. Lean over and quietly ask “Do you want me to keep going? Nod yes or shake your head no.” By giving them clear and direct instructions, you can get their consent to keep going without having a whole conversation or asking them what they are feeling. Most often, when in the middle of an emotional release it is not wise to talk about it – allow your bottom to have their experience without having to explain what they are feeling.
If they want you to keep going, bring the intensity back to where it was when you left off and hold it steady for awhile. Amp up the intensity slowly but surely until you feel like their experience has climaxed. Don’t draw it out too much – once you’ve reached the point of tears you can start heading towards a climax. You can encourage them to feel fully with a few words like “That’s right” or “Let it out” but try not to speak too much as you don’t know what they are feeling. Saying something like “good girl” might be well intended but not appropriate for what they are feeling.
If they ask you to stop, stay connected and start bringing the session to a close. Do not in any case just stop cold and stop touching your lover – this will feel like an abandonment. Let them determine when they need space. Stay available emotionally and physically as they recover. You can figure out what happened later. For now, just stay close and bring the energy down gently. Hold your hands still on their body and take several deep breaths. Run your hands over their butt and up and down their back. Give them a few kisses, and then hold them close for a few minutes. Allow the tears to run their course. Once your lover has calmed down a bit, go get them a glass of water and a few tissues, and just be with them in silence.
Your lover may or may not want to talk about what made them cry. Give them that option – sometimes these emotional releases just need to run their course and don’t need explanation. Even if you want to talk about it, we recommend giving it a few hours or even a day or two before bringing it up. Allow them to have their experience.
You can always say something like “That seemed really powerful, if there is anything you want to talk about I am here for you” but try not to demand an explanation by saying something like “What happened?” or “What was that about?” These demanding questions can feel overwhelming, especially when the tears weren’t connected to any one feeling in particular. Many of us simply have pent-up tension that needs to be released, and a good firm spanking can create that catharsis.
You’ve given your lover a gift – don’t complicate it by demanding an explanation. Simply be present and loving and strong, and give your lover the space to process the experience at their own pace. Emotional catharsis can be an amazing part of the spanking experience. If you have created the opening for a release of tears, it might be a sign that you are doing everything right!
What if the bottom starts laughing?
Just like crying, laughter can be a powerful form of emotional release. Don’t take laughter as a sign that you should start spanking harder – keep doing what you are doing and gradually increase the intensity if you think your bottom can take a little more. Also don’t take laughter personally – unless you just farted, your lover is most likely not laughing at you, but rather laughing as a form of expression and release. Go along with it and have fun. Spanking doesn’t have to be serious all the time. Allow your lover to have their experience, no matter how it is expressed. You can always check in later about what they were feeling if you are confused, but try not to interrupt their experience by questioning their expression. Laughter is a common response to the adrenaline and endorphins released during a good spanking, so if your lover erupts into laughter consider it a sign that you are doing something right!
Help! I feel ashamed of what I really want!?
Naming desires can be tricky emotional terrain. You may come across desires that you don’t believe you deserve, or that feel shameful to you.
Many people struggle with receiving pleasure. Culture tells us that pleasure is greedy, hedonistic and a luxury. We are taught that being vulnerable is a weakness. We are told that we are not worthy of pleasure, attention and orgasmic release.
This is especially true when it comes to kinky sex. These kinds of desires aren’t celebrated in mainstream culture, and there are lots of messages about what kinds of sex are “normal” or “good” and which are “freaky,” “shameful” or “perverted.”
Kinky sex requires a certain level of surrender, even if you are not actively playing with power (much more on that later on in the course!) Kinky sex takes elements of all sexuality and amplifies them. To fully experience kinky sex, you have to be ready to fully receive the intensity and volume of sensation, emotions and eroticism. To fully receive, you have to believe you are worthy of all the pleasure coming your way. You must free yourself of any messages you’ve heard that kinky sex is wrong, dirty or perverted.
We are hereby granting you permission to fully enjoy the pleasures available to you. Pleasure is GOOD for you. It can fill you up, fuel your days, grow your creativity and make you an all around happier person.
Everything we cover in our kink course is safe, and healthy when done according to our guidance. You’ll learn how to get active consent from your partner so you can make sure you both want what is happening at all times. With these guidelines in place, we hope you can learn how to relax and enjoy all the pleasures kinky sex can offer you.
If you have trouble receiving pleasure, practice treating yourself well outside of the bedroom. Notice all of the pleasures you resist receiving fully.
Take every opportunity to enjoy more pleasure – extend your shower for a few minutes and linger in the relaxing steam, stop and smell the lilacs, enjoy the pleasures of food both healthy and decadent, sit in darkness and listen to your favorite music. Fill your body up with pleasure. Notice how it feels. Notice how you feel after a great orgasm. Whenever you flare up with pleasure-negative thoughts, counter them with a message of permission and claim your right to feel good, sexy and radiant!
My Desires Feel Way Out Of Reach
Tune In: Fantasy Vs. Desire Podcast Episode
As you begin to identify your very specific Desires from the very expansive world of your erotic imagination, it is time to get real. The amazing thing about the realm of erotic fantasy is that there are no risks or limitations.
You can take a private jet to the middle of Manhattan and fuck wildly on the roof of the Empire State building. In real life, there are very real limitations and risks that must be considered.
For many Desires, the only limitations are your free time and willingness to get vulnerable and try something new with your partner.
For Fantasies that include things like multiple partners, public sex, heavy sensation play, power play and other higher risk activities, you’ll need to get clear on how much you are willing to risk in order to make that Fantasy an actual Desire. Get real about what is at stake and what is to be gained. Often, you will find ways to extract an exciting element that is less risky and you can safely leave the rest to be explored in Fantasy alone.
If you persistently fantasize about public sex, for example, you need to be clear that getting caught having sex in public is a really serious crime. We don’t think that a devastating court case is the kind of sexual excitement you are looking for. So if sex in a busy urban park is your fantasy, we are going to encourage you to keep that as a fantasy alone. BUT you might have some options. . .
Is it really about having sex outdoors? Hike into an area of extreme wilderness and make love outdoors, somewhere where you are can hear another hiker coming from miles away and quickly scamper under a blanket.
Is your public sex fantasy more about being seen, an exhibitionistic streak that wants to be explored? Consider turning on your webcam and being witnessed by a stranger through the magic of video chat, and wear a disguise if you don’t want your identity discovered.
There are always ways to safely explore your sexual desire, no matter how “out there” it seems to be. Consenting adults do all kinds of things safely, legally and without major risk. We encourage you to get creative and find risk-appropriate ways to translate your most exciting Fantasies into very real, very doable Desires.
Ready to explore with us?