Many people are concerned about their libido. Some worry their libido is too high, others worry their libido is too low! Lost libidos, mismatched libidos, libidos gone wild! Our inbox is filled with your libido struggles.
Libido is the biggest problem that is not one problem – but rather a term we use to talk about a huge range of physical, emotional, relational and social factors that influence our interest in, pleasure in and desire for sex.
It is time for a new conversation about libido – one that seeks to end the needless suffering over libido myths and offers efficient remedies for the most common struggles.
Our RETHINKING LIBIDO mini series is a deep dive into the topics of libido, sex drive and desire. We bring in experts for multiple perspectives on the complex questions of how we humans experience interest in sex.
Sound off – send your libido stories and struggles to us via email or recorded voice memo at chris (at) pleasuremechanics.com or record a voice memo here
Libido Resource Round Up
Join sex therapist Vanessa Marin’s free video training here!
Speaking of Sex Podcast Mini Series
Some Common Libido Struggles, Reexamined
The truth is, libido, or your appetite for sexual arousal, is influenced by many different factors. Libido is very relative – only you can decide how much sexual arousal is a healthy amount for you and your relationship.
Here are some common refrains we here about libido (more to come!) and some new ways to think about common libido struggles.
“I’m Not In The Mood”
In the mood for what? All too often it is assumed that every affectionate touch must lead to intercourse. If you aren’t warmed up, getting propositioned for sex can feel like a big ask at best and sometimes even feel invasive or demanding.
Build a relationship where there are always many possibilities for ways to connect, touch, exchange pleasure and show up for one another. Then “being in the mood” gets much more specific and options open up.
For many people, libido increases when you receive more touch and have more sex. So if you want to increase your libido, start getting more intimate with your lover whether or not you are in the mood. You don’t have to have intercourse- just touch, cuddle and get naked together. You may find your appetite for arousal increases!
“I’m Too Stressed Out To Even Think About Sex”
Stress is the #1 enemy of libido. Stress blocks your ability to get aroused! If you suspect that stress is killing your sex drive, you may want to start exploring the skills of couples massage and erotic touch. Massage is the best way to relax, release chronic stress and reconnect with your lover.
“Stress makes you tired, distracted and unmotivated to do anything, much less have sex,” says Laura Berman, Ph.D., director of the Berman Center for women’s sexual health in Chicago. “When a woman is stressed, the hormonal changes in her body trigger a chemical reaction causing sex hormone–binding globulin to bind with testosterone cells, so they’re unavailable for libido and sexual response.”
“I don’t even know what I want”
You may also want to examine your relationships to desire. What do you enjoy about life? What makes you light up with joy? What pleasures do you crave? What pleasures do you allow yourself?
Notice all the places in your life you have desire and don’t allow it. We are taught to desire consumer goods – but not some of the more satisfying things in life (fulfillment, touch, intimacy, freedom) With all the consumer chaos, figuring out what you truly desire is a high art. Tuning in to your particular desires is a major part of feeling fulfilled.
“I just don’t feel into it anymore”
Another big influence on libido is physical and mental health.
Sometimes, libido change is a healthy response to your circumstances and will rebound when things change again! Sometimes, a libido crash can be a warning sign. Pay attention to what you feel and know to be true about your particular experience.
If your libido changes suddenly without explanation, or if you have distress about your libido, talk to your care providers about possible causes and remedies.