This week Charlotte reads a listener’s email response to our last podcast, Episode 180 on How To Give A Handjob. He had lots to say about how we covered the topic last week. There is much to learn for men and women from this listener’s experience about receiving erotic massage. Also in this podcast Charlotte shares the most surprising thing she ever heard from an erotic massage client in all her years of giving professional erotic massage.
“Hi, just wanted to say I am SO grateful to hear you talk about honoring men’s sexuality in this podcast. As a man myself (I’m a guy named Kim), it feels so good to be understood by women and have my sexuality accepted… not just accepted, but something more, affirmed is a better word. From my experience, the kind of male genital massage you talked about in this podcast, really helps a man to feel sexually affirmed. Many men have such a difficult time with sex, and women don’t seem to understand that. From my own perspective, it seems that our culture has denigrated male sexuality and that does not help male/female relationships and only confuses things. Both men and women end up confused and misunderstanding each other. But we can help each other. There is something about a woman lovingly touching a man’s genitals to bring him to high states of arousal–it has an emotional impact on a man, it touches him on a deep level, and he will be ever grateful for such an experience. Sometimes it can be more intimate than intercourse. I know my reaction is “thank you, thank you, thank you.”
I wish this sort of massage was legal so more men could experience it. (Charlotte’s note here: Yes! We couldn’t agree more. And that is why we teach this so that more people can have this experience at home with their lover!) I loved hearing about Charlotte’s previous work with men. I hope there are women out there who do this work in the same spirit as her. It must have been a wonderful for the men.
I’m sure you have plenty of feedback from men on what they think. I would like to toss in my two cents worth if that’s OK.
– Techniques are a place to start, but eventually, with practice, it will become intuitive.
– Some say that energetically, the way to a man’s heart is through his penis. Might be true, I don’t know, but men have a certain relationship with their penis, developed since they first discovered it as children. Certainly during teen years, a boy may often turn to his penis for comfort, pleasure, escape, relief from desire, you name it. He has mixed feelings about it. Guilt and shame are there, too. When a woman pays loving attention to his genitals, it means a lot to a man. A LOT.
– The whole key is to be in close touch with a man’s reaction to what you are doing. This makes it intimate because you get to know a man’s body and how he reacts. This makes him feel “seen”, understood, and touched more deeply than the body. It is the key to making it an emotional experience. When a man feels that a woman really knows and accepts his body, and knows how to take him to a highly aroused state, it deepens his connection to her, and the arousal goes even higher than when it’s just mechanical and the woman is not “present” or is oblivious to his reactions.
– Men should be vocal and physical in their responses to her touch. It helps her to know what’s working when touching him in a particularly arousing way. At first I had to consciously do this, and it really helps her to know what’s working…. she needs feedback, and it helps me enjoy her touch more fully. Now it is natural for me. Moan, say “ahhhhh”, “yes”, or “oh my god that’s good”. Men need to move their bodies and not just lie there motionless, catatonic. Move the hips, legs, and squirm in pleasure. Give her this feedback. Complement her afterwards, tell her how good it was, how good she is at this, and express your gratitude.
– Use what you know works for a man (and we are all somewhat different) but also try new touches, explore, and see how he reacts. Mix up the tried and true with something new.
– A whole body massage before the genital massage is also key. It relaxes him and activates the parasympathetic nervous system. He’s much more open and in touch with his body and sensations become heightened. I have had therapeutic (non-erotic) massages where toward the end, I was so relaxed and sensitive to touch, just massaging the palm of my hand started an erection! Over time, I believe it re-wires a man’s nervous system enabling his sexuality to be more full-bodied, rather than his usual genital focus.
– In a heightened, prolonged state of arousal a man is no longer “in his head” (as men often are) and is in a pure feeling state. A nice break!
– An orgasm after being in a prolonged high arousal state is a much fuller bodied experience, more deeply felt, has lingering effects. I have noticed that the kind of massage we are talking about leaves me energized, and still feeling a little erotic afterwards. The effect lasts several days. A quick genital masturbation often makes me feel drained of energy. Very noticeable difference and it must be healthier because of that.
– This helps men to learn how to enjoy just being aroused, without an urgent need to ejaculate. This needs to be learned through experience, such as what this podcast is about. A kind of re-wiring needs to take place. Often men have pressured a woman for sex because he is aroused and he just can’t tolerate it… some urgent need in him wants the orgasm. This can lead to a bad sexual relationship where the woman develops an aversion to sex (I speak from experience). Men’s masturbation habits contribute to this, I believe. It gets easier as a man ages, though.
– And lastly, we don’t have to be ashamed of getting an erection! For men who have had therapeutic massages, the “erection question” is often the elephant in the massage room. We worry about getting an erection. Will it happen? Will she stop the massage and shame me? As a man who has had a number of therapeutic massages, I know it is on my mind the whole time. If I feel an erection starting (“oh no!”), I have to work at making it go away, lest it become obvious. It took me a while to find a massage therapist that would even discuss my worry (I tried to discuss my concern with one therapist and she literally left the room in disgust). I just don’t want to worry about it the whole time. I just wanted her to say, “Don’t worry about it. It happens. No big deal.” But with an erotic massage… what a relief to be massaged and an erection is a good thing! And the genitals are not hidden in shame but the whole body accepted. Every bit. What a relief!
This email is too long but I have thought about this a lot over the years, well decades actually, and there is no one else I know that I could share it with. Thank you again for including men and your understanding of men. So much work is now done with women’s sexuality, which is wonderful, but men are often left out. We are the other half in hetero relationships… shouldn’t we be included?
Thank you again (and again)!”
We love our listeners!
Thank you Kim for sharing your thoughts and perspectives!
If you want to explore mastering how to give your lover an erotic massage at home be sure to check out our Foreplay Mastery Course and our Couples Massage Course. They are designed so lovers can create exquisite erotic massage experiences for each other at home.