After our recent conversations on the emotions of erectile dysfunction, we wanted to continue into what is often uncharted territory: the erotic pleasures of the soft penis. The penis is not only sexy or worthy of pleasure when it is fully erect, and pleasure can be found in all states of erection. Going beyond the “ignore the soft cock and change activities” advice (which is also an important strategy to develop!) we talk about how you can actively include the soft penis in your erotic play – with love, affection and intimacy.
To master all of our erotic touch techniques for the male sexual system, check out our Foreplay Mastery course!
This episode is sponsored by our friends at CloneAWilly.com – where you can get DIY kits to make a silicone replica of your favorite genitals! Use the code PLEASURE for 20% off your entire order!
Explore toys and penis extenders at GoodVibes.com (NSFW)
Transcript of Podcast Episode: Reclaiming Soft Penis Pleasures
Podcast transcripts are generated with love by humans, and thus may not be 100% accurate. Thanks to our supporters on Patreon for helping to make podcast transcripts possible!
Chris Rose: Hi, and welcome to Speaking of Sex with the Pleasure Mechanics. I’m Chris.
Charlotte Rose: I’m Charlotte.
Chris Rose: We are the Pleasure Mechanics, and on this podcast, we have soulful yet explicit conversations about every facet of human sexuality. Come on over to PleasureMechanics.com for the full podcast archive, and while you are there, go to PleasureMechanics.com/free for our free online course, The Erotic Essentials, so you can get started building a foundation for a happier sex life on your own terms tonight. PleasureMechanics.com/free.
Chris Rose: On today’s episode … Oh wait. Hey, do we sound a little different?
Charlotte Rose: Mm.
Chris Rose: How you doing, Charlotte?
Charlotte Rose: Can you hear us even better?
Chris Rose: We are now on two beautiful new microphones. Thank you so much to our friends at Patreon, our 126 patrons over at Patreon.com/PleasureMechanics, for supporting the show and giving us the funds to give us a brand new setup.
Charlotte Rose: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Chris Rose: It took a while to get all of the cords and settings figured out, but I think we’re there. How do we sound?
Charlotte Rose: Yeah, thank you so much for our darling dear patrons who have made this possible.
Chris Rose: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Please join us over Patreon.com/PleasureMechanics. That’s P-A-T-R-E-O-N, Patreon.com/PleasureMechanics, and join us with a monthly pledge to show your love for the show and support the work we are doing in the world. A dollar a month gets you ad-free episodes, bonus episodes, and community conversations. Please join us and show you love. That’s Patreon.com/PleasureMechanics.
Chris Rose: On today’s show, we are gonna be talking about how to give the penis pleasure in all states of erection. Before we do, we want to thank our friends at CloneAWilly.com for sponsoring this episode. At CloneAWilly.com, you will find DIY kits to create a silicon replica of your favorite genitals. Go to CloneAWilly.com. Use the code pleasure for 20% off, and we will tell you more about their offerings later on in the show.
Chris Rose: All right, so I wanted to do this episode because last week we had a conversation with the fabulous sex therapist, Tiffany Anton, about all of the emotional responses that can come up when erections, specifically male erections, are not working the way you want them.
Chris Rose: We talked some about the emotional reactions and the downward spirals that can happen in relationships around this very common physical experience of not getting erect when you are wanting an erection or when you’re aroused, especially in partnered play.
Chris Rose: In that conversation, we’d say things like, “If your erection isn’t working how you want it to, you can always do things like use your hands, use a sex toy, use your mouth.” And all of that is very true, right? We want to expand our sexual repertoires so we don’t have pressure or reliance on any one sex act, like many people do around intercourse as this random barometer of sexual success.
Chris Rose: Relieving that pressure on intercourse is super important, but a piece of the conversation that we often miss is this idea of pleasuring the penis in all states of erection, the idea that when a penis is soft, it’s not broken, and you don’t have to ignore it, that it can be integrated into an erotic experience and actually experience so much pleasure and arousing stimulation no matter what state of erection it’s in.
Charlotte Rose: Yeah. Culture is so preoccupied and obsessed with the idea that the penis is only valuable and worthy and important when it is erect, and that it is a failure when it is not erect. And this idea is so ingrained, we experience that as truth, and it’s not. It’s an idea. It’s an idea, and it is a very harmful idea because of what it creates for people. The pressure, the binary of good and bad, right and wrong, it’s oppressive in our bedrooms, and it creates pain for the man, for the person with the erection, and also often for the partner. Whether that is a man or a woman, there is often pain in experiencing a lack of an erection as somebody not desiring you, which is very often not the case. So how do we replace this idea and how do we embody something different in our bedroom?
Chris Rose: Right, because it’s not just about replacing the idea, it’s replacing the actions, the scripts that we rely on. And let’s face it, porn does not show us how to honor a soft penis. Culture does not tell us how to honor a soft penis, so we are going to tell you how to honor a soft penis.
Chris Rose: That is so important to take it just from the idea of, yeah, your erection isn’t everything and there are these other things we can do, to bringing it into an embodied experience of wholeness and eroticism at all states of erection. Once you get there, that’s a place of freedom and where you can really play and discover what is possible for you.
Chris Rose: And this idea that we are rooting out, this harmful idea Charlotte was saying, you got a little fierce there about the idea that this idea creates harm for both partners, and I think that’s spot on. Part of what is embedded in this idea is not just that men need erections to be aroused and have an enjoyable sexual experience, but part of this idea is that an erection is either on or off, that you’re either hard or soft, erect of flacid.
Chris Rose: This binary mentality is just false and anyone who’s played with a penis knows this. It doesn’t turn on like a light switch. It’s a gradient, a spectrum. A penis so changeable and there is beauty in that changeability. Penises go from so soft and tender and malleable and squishy and sensitive in that state, to hard, throbbing, almost look like they’re going to explode from the pressure hard, right? But in between those two states, there’s a whole gradient, a whole universe of different levels of hardness. Sometimes I think of half mast or three quarters mast.
Chris Rose: Think about your penis or the penis you know most intimately and identify for yourself that range of states. Different men slide in between these states at different rates. Some men kind of like to stay semi-hard. Other guys kind of flip on and off a little bit more dramatically, but that range of erection is important to honor and know that the physiology of the penis, the topography of the penis changes from state to state, and the nerve endings that are exposed to your touch and to stimulation are exposed differently at different levels of erection. Therefore, your touch can feel different and you can create different sensations at every different state.
Chris Rose: That is just a different mentality than is it working or not, is it broken or not, are you ready or not. So, we want to first just honor the penis’ physiology and this idea that blood flows in and blood flows out and sometimes under certain conditions more blood is trapped in the penis than flows out, and this creates the phenomena of erection.
Chris Rose: And if you haven’t listened to it, a few episodes back we did a great episode, if I do say so myself, a great episode about female erections, about erections in the vulva and around the clitoral body, and if you haven’t listened to that, do, so you know that erection is a physiological phenomenon we all experience. We all have about the same amount of erectile tissue, and so just as we can approach the vulva and the clitoris in all different states of arousal and how we might touch changes at different states of arousal, we can touch and love and honor the penis at all different states, and I shouldn’t even say of arousal, of erection, of erection, ’cause arousal, the emotional mental experience of being turned on is not always matched with erection. These are different experiences. Arousal, erection.
Chris Rose: Okay, so we’re talking about erection in the penis. Charlotte, I want to throw this to you. So you did several years of erotic massage where you gave erotic massage, hands on, one way touch to somewhere around 1000 penises has been our best estimate. So you must have seen and touched penises at all different states of erection. Can you give us some insight and wisdom from that experience? What were some of the patterns you noticed?
Charlotte Rose: Yes, some men will get very upset emotionally about their penis not being hard and start grasping emotionally for trying to get an erect penis, and there becomes a desperation, a fear, a deer in the headlights kind of panic that all of their masculinity is on the line and this is a terrible, horrible thing that is shameful and scary and humiliating and they’re embarrassed. It’s a whole world of pain that is not totally necessary, or at at all necessary.
Charlotte Rose: Some other men have medical issues and they know they’re not gonna get erections, and so they will just say, “I probably won’t get an erection. I definitely won’t come, but please go ahead. I’m happy to feel sensation.”
Chris Rose: So I want to slow down that moment. So they were coming to you for an erotic massage, paying you top dollar for penis massage knowing they weren’t gonna get erect, knowing they might not ejaculate, but still there for an experience of pleasure.
Chris Rose: So something in the fact that you had these men, and I know that they were regulars too, is a testament to the fact that they could experience erotic pleasure without their erection. Otherwise they wouldn’t be there. They’d spend that money on golf or something, right?
Charlotte Rose: Right, right.
Chris Rose: So just to slow that moment down, so they would communicate to you ahead of time and then what was that experience like versus someone who was desperate and grasping for that erection?
Charlotte Rose: Yeah. I feel like they were just ready to experience pleasure as whatever they could feel and the different sensations, and then it was up to me to just create as many sensations as I could with a soft penis, and it wasn’t problematic. It was just something to play with as it was. There was acceptance and a willingness to explore pleasure no matter what, and that was very freeing of course and very different.
Chris Rose: And then I’m imagining there was a third category of guys who weren’t getting erect but still kind of felt a little bit of pressure of the situation ’cause you’re also on a clock, right? They’ve paid for an hour with this beautiful woman with magnificent skills, so they’re under a clock but they were able to maybe relax into the experience, shift their focus of attention, and then get hard again.
Charlotte Rose: Totally. So sometimes that would happen or they would get more or less hard and I would move sensation around the whole rest of the body, just take the pressure off, not worry about it, build sensation in other parts of the body, and then return to the penis when I felt like it, and then kept building sensation there. But just sort of not ignore it, but just decentralize it, focus pleasure elsewhere and often just with not making a big deal of it, the erection would come back, so just kind of calming them down emotionally as well as physically drawing their attention and sensation elsewhere. That was really simple and easy and it felt very doable.
Chris Rose: Okay, so simple and easy for you because you are a professional. You’re a cock massage pro. So, how do we make this simple and easy at home? So if you are struggling in your relationship or even in your solo masturbation with erection inconsistency, and again, I almost want to keep shifting the language. Erectile dysfunction is a very specific issue. If it is literally dysfunctional, the function of erection is not working. Go to a doctor. If it’s erection inconsistency, it’s not erect when you want it to be erect, when you expect it to be erect, when you’re demanding it to be erect, that is not usually a medical issue. That is a psychosocial issue, right? And so how do we make this easier? How do we create the conditions in your relationship where this will be a less stressful experience?
Chris Rose: So one of the ways is to get used to touching soft penises. Get used to it. Get used to the sensation of having a penis in your hands while it is soft without the expectation of it getting hard and notice the pleasure of it for both of you. This might be emotional. It might be emotional for him to have you hold his penis without the expectation and demands, without the agenda, and so just integrate this into more of your cuddling, more of your relaxed affectionate touch.
Chris Rose: Cupping one another’s genitals is one of these powerful, powerful techniques. It’s a freebie. I’m just giving it to you. It’s a powerful technique because we don’t do it. The relaxed, soft cupped hand over either a vulva or a penis, just resting there and you can put the other hand on your belly or on the other person’s heart or stroke their hair. Give them love with just a relaxed hand resting on the genitals. Powerful. Transformative. So healing.
Chris Rose: If you’re kind of rolling your eyes at this, try it. Try it with yourself, breathing. Try it with your lover as you’re cuddling. What would it feel like just to rest a hand without any agenda but with full presence, full attention, love transmitting through your hand? Even if you want to get a little cornier about this, literally imagine you are beaming love through your palm.
Charlotte Rose: Into their body and kindness and acceptance and appreciation.
Chris Rose: Yeah, your intention. Transfer your intention through your touch, and I’m exploring more with making this, visualizing it and doing it really on purpose because I think sometimes for different people when we visualize it or really feel into it, we can feel the fact that it’s real. We know it’s real that you can feel another person’s intention through their touch. We all know that to be true, so how do we practice on purpose? How do you feel the thing you want to tell your lover and then touch them with that intention? Try it.
Chris Rose: Okay, so cupping soft penises, cupping genitals just as part of cuddling and affectionate touch can go a long way. Then, start bringing soft penis touch into your play. So if you are giving him a blowjob and he starts going soft in your mouth, instead of pulling away and shifting activities altogether, come up for air and then continue touching the penis with your hands, with your breasts, with your face, with your tongue. Tease it and touch it and stimulate it in the state it’s in.
Chris Rose: This is really important here. I’m gonna use a metaphor from an old amazing gay writer, but the idea of pulling taffy, right? So a lot of us when we think about soft penis touch, we go to this image of this desperate hand job, yanking at a soft penis, and there’s a book called Pulling Taffy that references this desperate need to create an erection and this hysterical moment and movement of trying to yank an erection out of a penis. It doesn’t work and we know it doesn’t work, so why do we do it? We do it out of this emotional response to the moment of, “If I just go faster and harder, it’ll get hard, right?” And so instead, pulling back and approaching it with curiosity and wonder and really looking at the penis and slowing your touch way down and just celebrating and touching the penis as it is without an agenda.
Charlotte Rose: Yeah. What kind of sensations can you create? What does feel good for him? Have you explored this full range of which particular ways of touching the penis feel really good in this state, perhaps even better than when you have a hard penis, because some moves will feel better on a hard penis and some will feel really good on a soft penis, and so just get curious about that together and have conversations about it. How does this feel? Does this feel better?
Charlotte Rose: Just literally explore and play with what you have in front of you and know that it’s not a problem. It’s not an issue. It’s just a different state of being that the body is in and it’s just as worthy of exploring and tending to, and erection will come back at some point, maybe that session, maybe another session, and the penis is valuable as it is.
Chris Rose: And sexy and desirable, right?
Charlotte Rose: And worthy of pleasure.
Chris Rose: Yes.
Charlotte Rose: No matter what.
Chris Rose: Yes.
Charlotte Rose: All of our bodies are.
Chris Rose: And so taking it to the full body, right, as Charlotte was saying in her erotic massage that might look like gliding her hands from the thighs onto the penis or from the penis onto the belly. During sex, it can mean sliding your entire body over the torso of your lover and grazing that soft penis up around your breasts, right? How do we just use our bodies to move against one another and feel all those different contours as erection comes and goes?
Chris Rose: It can be really delicious to just move into this full body eroticism and then notice erections coming, and even when the erection comes, then it doesn’t mean it needs full attention. Let the erection be there and ignore it. Let the erection be there and continue to glide and touch his butt or his prostate or his nipples or his neck, whatever else you’re paying attention to.
Chris Rose: It’s important to remember that in doing this, so this being full body eroticism from a relaxed, curious, playful place of no rush, no agenda, you are rewiring your neurology together to associate arousal with this kind of expansive relaxation. It’s a rewiring away from the model of sex that often we’re taught of rushing through sensation, building up as much tension and pressure as possible so we can get to the climax, we can get to the orgasm, the balloon sex model of rush rush rush, fill it up fill it up, and then pop.
Chris Rose: This expansive playful state of sexuality is available to use as an alternate model. It takes a lot of pressure off the erection. It takes a lot of pressure off both peoples performance. It’s a much more human model that honors our bodies. If one person has to get up and pee in the middle, sex isn’t ruined. It’s not fragile, right? We are creating a model of sexuality that is resilient and its capacity for pleasure and for arousal and for orgasms is much more vast.
Chris Rose: There is one more thing you can do with a soft penis that I want to share with you, but first I would like to thank our sponsors for this episode, CloneAWilly.com. At CloneAWilly.com, you can order DIY kits to make silicon replicas of your favorite genitals. They have a kit for penises, they have a kit for vulvas, and they come in a range of colors, glow in the dark, even chocolate. Yes, you can make a chocolate penis or vulva, and it’s a fun process. You make a casting of your own penis.
Chris Rose: I savor the irony of this moment because to make the casting, you have to create an erection and stay erect in the molding material for a few minutes before you slip it out and pour the liquid silicon in, but what would happen if you ordered two and made a casting of your soft penis and then made a casting of your erect penis?
Chris Rose: When I sent this idea to Charlotte, I said, “And then you could use them as bookends,” and she said, “You mean put one in your mouth and one in your ass at the same time?” We just laughed because I meant literally on your shelf as bookends, as collectible objects that are fun to look at, but Charlotte had some different ideas of what you could do with those silicon replicas.
Charlotte Rose: [crosstalk 00:23:08] pussy and your ass.
Chris Rose: However you want to bookend it. Go to CloneAWilly.com, order yourself one or more kits and make a replica of your favorite genitals. It’s a fun experience. It’s a joyful experience. It’s a mashup of DIY, crafting, and a sex date. Why not? Go to CloneAWilly.com. Use the code pleasure for 20% off your entire order.
Charlotte Rose: Such a good Valentine’s Day gift.
Chris Rose: Yes. The kit or the complete object.
Charlotte Rose: It’s true.
Chris Rose: Okay. So another thing you can do with a soft penis, sometimes it is called docking, which I think is a very unsexy word, but you can insert a soft penis in the vagina, right? You can, with your fingers, especially if she is aroused and relaxed and her pussy is wanting penetration, you can slide your soft penis in the vagina and let it rest. You can let her clench her vaginal muscles, her pelvic muscles around you. You can just breathe together. You can start moving your bodies. You can fuck with a soft penis. It’s going to look different than the fucking you see in porn, but you can put your genitals in another person’s genitals in any state. I have seen people open up an anus with their hands and really get it open and receptive and then put a soft penis in the anus.
Chris Rose: This kind of creativity, for me, a lot of what I witnessed was through my community when I was going to sex parties, and a lot of the guys there were older gay men. They loved their cocks. They weren’t ready to give up fucking if their body wasn’t producing an erection on demand, and so they got creative. They got creative with fucking with soft penises. They got creative with penis sleeves that are now available to the straight audience, by the way. You don’t have to be gay to order the sex toys that gay men innovated for you. These are like gifts from queer heaven that are coming into everyone’s bedrooms.
Chris Rose: And so penis sleeves sometimes are called hollow dildos. These are not like the masturbation sleeves. A hollow dildo or sometimes they’re called penis extenders, sex therapists sometimes call them penis prosthetics, which choose the word that is sexiest to you, so a hollow dildo or a penis extender, you can get them in all different sizes and shapes and they’re just what they sound like. They’re a dildo. You put your soft penis inside, strap it on or use a harness to hold it on your body, and then you can fuck with it and your penis meanwhile is moving on the interior of this toy and you’re getting your own stimulation but you’re also getting that full body motion of fucking, right?
Chris Rose: So much of fucking, yes, it’s the sensations in the genitals, but it’s also a full bodied embodiment, the movement, the undulations, the thrusting. If you’re missing that part and your partner is missing being fucked, there are ways around this, right? A hollow dildo, a handheld dildo that you can really … You can drive a dildo with your hand in a way you actually can’t with your pelvis with your hips and give her a totally different kind of fucking sensation, like fucking her with a dildo in your hand, and feel manly behind that, right? Feel masculine. You’re watching her hopefully be fully pleasured and filled up and if she’s like a size queen and wants bigger sizes, you get a whole drawer full of dildos and your adventure awaits, right?
Chris Rose: But all of these things, all of these ideas, these pictures we’re painting for you are only possible if we get over this root idea that infests us with this insecurity of if I don’t have an erection in my penis, it means this. It means what? You’re not a man, you’re not attracted to your partner, he doesn’t love me anymore, he must be having an affair, he thinks I’m too fat, she thinks I’m not strong enough, it’s because I lost my job. What are your dialogues that are filling in that blank? If I don’t have an erection in my penis right now it means what?
Charlotte Rose: Those are really valuable conversations to have if it’s an ongoing thing that is happening in a relationship, maybe less out of the bedroom when it’s less charged to really talk about what it makes you feel and what you make it mean to you ’cause it can be helpful to unpack that, ’cause we all kind of have our stories that we go to immediately when you’re in a charged emotional moment, and really undo that together.
Chris Rose: And you can do this with a therapist. If you can’t have a conversation without getting emotionally charged, without it turning into more sorrow and struggle, then you might need a third person. But through our conversations with a therapist who we value so greatly and do such beautiful work with people, we’re also recognizing that using this podcast can be another strategy.
Chris Rose: So many couples we hear from listen to episodes together, so they’ll email one another like, “Listen to this episode on your drive or when you’re walking the dog, and then we’re gonna talk about it.” We are so happy to play that role of being this third party that’s providing this education, this information, alternative perspectives, questions, ideas for you, but then you need to then sit down with your partner or go for a walk or go for a long drive and have a conversation, so what has the erection meant for us? What are all the places you’ve gone? How do we clear that up? How do we excavate that and try something different? Yeah.
Charlotte Rose: I think we also underestimate how powerful it is for men to feel accepted and held and loved no matter what. We have a very strong idea of what it is to be a man in this culture, and I don’t think men realize how much rigidity is around that and so the penis can be a place where if they feel held and loved and accepted and their penis feels that way, it can create quite powerful responses for men that they don’t realize that they need or that they really appreciate.
Charlotte Rose: So when Chris was talking about holding and cupping a soft penis, I think for some men, it’s hard to underestimate how accepting that feels and how peaceful that can be and how there’s a relief and a relaxation. We’ve heard this from men a lot around blowjobs that really feeling the acceptance of somebody taking the penis into their body has felt really healing for a lot of men. So I just want to presence that, that there’s this other thing happening when we can really love and accept a man in all states.
Chris Rose: Yes. I will never forget the results of that blowjob survey. We asked men, this was probably eight, nine years ago, we asked men in our community about their experience of blowjobs. I was expecting a certain kind of response, and what we got back was so emotional and tender and more than one man talked about, “I love blowjobs because I love feeling accepted.”
Chris Rose: What a powerful idea and what a powerful reframing of what sexuality means to men. What a powerful call to women to treat men and their penises with the kindness, compassion, and empathy that we are asking them to treat our bodies with and to recognize that all human bodies in their moment of sex culture need tenderness, love, acceptance, belonging, and we are transmitting that through our touch, how we treat one another’s bodies in our relationships. It matters. It matters how we touch one another, how we look at one another’s genitals, how we emotionally and energetically react to our partners’ bodies.
Chris Rose: So we want to invite you into treating the soft penis and the penis in all of its different gradients of erection with curiosity, with reverence, with love, and then see what you can create, what pleasure, what passion, what fieriness-
Charlotte Rose: What fun.
Chris Rose: … what fun you can create with that open-ended playful curiosity. Let us know. Come on over to PleasureMechanics.com. You can always be in touch with me at firstname.lastname@example.org or email Charlotte at email@example.com. I field most of the email but if there’s something you want to say to Charlotte, feel free to reach out to her directly.
Chris Rose: The best way to be in touch with us is through our Patreon. Come on over to Patreon.com/PleasureMechanics, P-A-T-R-E-O-N, Patreon.com/PleasureMechanics.
Chris Rose: You can find our complete offerings at PleasureMechanics.com, where by the way you’ll also find our Foreplay Mastery course that has all of our hand job skills in it, so if you want tools to touch your penis that you love, yours or your partner’s, if you want hand job skills, enroll in our Foreplay Mastery course and you can use the code SpeakingOfSex for 20% off that.
Chris Rose: We are here for you. We would love to hear about your experiences of penises in all states of erections and anything else that might be on your mind. Come on over to PleasureMechanics.com and be in touch. I’m Chris.
Charlotte Rose: I’m Charlotte.
Chris Rose: We are the Pleasure Mechanics.
Charlotte Rose: Wishing you a lifetime of pleasure.
Chris Rose: Cheers.