We like to think of kinky sex as a form of Erotic Game Play. All games have some version of a “time-out” – where the game is put on hold and players can take a breather, check in about strategy or adjust conditions.
In Kinky Sex, “safewords” are specific words that have specific meanings to you and your lover. Most frequently they are used to mean “slow down” or “stop” during kinky sex. They are used if you need to break roles, come out of the scene and check in.
They can be used if you are just feeling done and need to end the scene early. Safewords are a highly valued tradition in the BDSM community – where many people play with very intense sensation, dangerous scenarios and highly charged emotions.
Safewords are essential to be able to let go. Kind of like a fire escape in a movie theater- good to know it is there, and you hope you don’t have to use it.
The most traditional safeword combination is Red Yellow Green.
- Saying “red” stops the scene all together, for any purpose and at any time.
- “Yellow” means you need to slow down the intensity.
- “Green” means you are good, all systems go, no change needed.
Some people like making up safewords like “elephant” or “telephone” – a word they would never say otherwise in an erotic context.
What about good old fashioned NO? If you are playing a submissive role, it can be powerful and erotic (for some people) to be able to struggle, even to say “no” and still remain submissive. In this case, you are agreeing ahead of time, for a set period of time, that “No” doesn’t mean “no” – but “Elephant” or “red” does.
“Oh no, I could never, I’m not that kind of girl!” (Keep going!)
Vs. “Yellow” (Back off a bit, Lower the intensity, Don’t Push Further)
Vs “Red!” (Stop right away, go back to being your regular self and check-in)
With safe words you can give information without breaking character. And if you need to end it right away, you can do so without any confusion.
Make sense? What are your safewords? Share them with your lover and practice using them in lower-charged situations so you have them ready if you ever need them.
Non-Verbal Safe words
If you tend to go non-verbal during sex, you can also try a safe word gesture, a physical action that means “slow down” or “stop.”One of the classics is to give the person being spanked a ball or scarf to hold – and if they drop the ball it means you stop for a moment and check in. You can also use a “tap-out” system but make sure the gesture is big enough and noticeable enough that the person doing the spanking will notice it right away.
Remember, part of consent is being honest and clear about your intentions. Never initiate a game like spanking out of anger, frustration or to vent your feelings about something going on in the relationship. Games like this should be played for mutual enjoyment and eroticism only. Work out your issues first, and then connect during sex. Make sure you are being honest about your intentions – because they will be felt.
Ready to explore with us? Start Your Next Erotic Adventure – we’ll be there with you, every step of the way.