female arousal — Pleasure Mechanics

Own Your Arousal

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Arousal is not something that happens TO you – it is something that YOU generate. Your arousal is your own – so OWN IT!

In this episode we explore the nature of sexual arousal, and why we all need to stop waiting around hoping to get turned on! Arousal is an internal process that we can develop, learn how to pay attention to, and practice on purpose!

We offer you a three step process for owning your arousal. First, you learn how to pay attention to arousal using the super power of interoception. Then, you map how your arousal system works – what arouses you and what happens when you get aroused? Third, you learn how to cultivate arousal and then put it to use as fuel for your life and creative purpose! But for all of us, this magical process starts by learning how to first pay attention to arousal and then feel less shame and judgment about that arousal. These are the skills we work on in the Mindful Sex course and throughout our work and relationships – how can we get rid of the sexual shame and fear so we can cultivate and use sexual arousal as the clean burning fuel it can be?

Thanks to our sponsor for this episode, CloneAWilly.com – where you can find DIY kits to make a beautiful silicone replica of your favorite genitals. Use the code PLEASURE for 20% off your entire order!

Resources mentioned in this episode:

Mindful Sex Course

Better Sex Through Mindfulness with Lori Brotto

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Better Sex Through Mindfulness with Lori Brotto : Free Podcast Episode

Twenty years after Viagra was approved to treat erectile issues in men, we still don’t have any quick fixes for the primary sexual struggle of women: low sexual desire. In this podcast interview, Dr. Lori Brotto shares what has been the most promising treatment for women who struggle with sexual desire – mindfulness.

Mindfulness based sex therapy is not a quick fix, but instead is an ongoing practice and lifestyle that offers profound and lasting benefits for a wide range of sexual struggles.

In her new book Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire, Lori Brotto gives an illuminating overview of the past fifteen years of research on applying mindfulness based interventions for sexual concerns. Along the way, she challenges many of the cultural narratives that drive so many of these struggles: a misunderstanding of the nature of sexual desire, the scripts and routines that drive so many sexual encounters, and the culture of distraction and stress we all live in. Meanwhile, Lori Brotto outlines several of the mindfulness practices that she uses in her clinic so readers can immediately begin applying these concepts to their own sexual experience.

The take-home message is this: mindfulness teaches women to become more aware of their internal bodily sensations, including sexual sensations, and this may improve their motivations for sex and increase their tendency to notice sexual arousal and have that arousal trigger sexual desire.

Could it really be this simple – that teaching women to tune into their body, to the signs that their body is already producing, and making them aware of these sensations can be enough to trigger sexual desire? I offer a tentative “yes” to this question. Why tentative? Because awareness of internal bodily sensations is only one of potentially many different ways that mindfulness exerts its beneficial effects on sexual desire. Without a doubt, when we pay attention to the body in a kind, compassionate, nonjudgemental and present-oriented way, it offers us a new way of being in the world. And that new way of being might just be critical for the sexual satisfaction that so many women crave. ~ Lori Brotto, Ph.D.

Find out more about Dr. Lori Brotto’s research here, and follow her on twitter here.

A full transcript of the podcast interview with Lori Brotto is below.

If you are ready to begin exploring the frontiers of Mindful Sex, join our online course on Mindful Sex! Our Mindful Sex course is the perfect complement to Lori’s brilliant book, and we will be discussing the book in depth within the course community.

Full Transcript of Pleasure Mechanics Interview With Lori Brotto:

[00:00:00] – Chris Rose
Lori Brotto, welcome to Speaking of Sex.

[00:00:04] – Lori Brotto
Thanks so much for having me today Chris.

[00:00:06] – Chris Rose
Can you introduce yourself and the work that you do.

[00:00:09] – Lori Brotto
Sure. So I’m Lori Brotto. I am a registered psychologist by training, a researcher in the Department of Gynecology at the University of British Columbia and the executive director of Women’s Health Research Institute in the province of B.C. and my research has been focusing mostly over the last decade or so on the development and treatment of sexual concerns in women using mindfulness meditation based approaches

[00:00:39] – Chris Rose
In the book you lay out this beautiful story, but how did you come to focus on mindfulness after the development of viagra, what is that link?

[00:00:48] – Lori Brotto
So this was really a pivotal moment not only in my own career but I think for the field of sexuality and sex research more broadly and that was the year 1998 when Viagra was approved for men and suddenly men had an effective easy to use low risk, low adverse event, very accessible medication to treat their sexual concerns- so erectile dysfunction in men which affects probably between 10 to 15 percent of men. And shortly after that in the same year there was a large study based on several thousand American men and women and it found that actually the prevalence of sexual difficulties in women was far greater than the prevalence of sexual concerns in men. And it reached somewhere around the neighborhood of about 40 percent. So around 40 percent of women over the last year reported that they had some type of sexual difficulty. The most common of which was low sexual desire. So that sort of got me started down the path of looking into – well we’ve got this effective and easily accessible treatment for men’s sexual concerns.- What is there for women.? And I quickly discovered that my literature search took all of about one minute and discovered that there were very very few treatments available. There were no medications approved. There were a handful of more psychological types of interventions but really very little research looking at effective ways of improving women’s sex response and sexual satisfaction.

[00:02:23]
And that really led to the path that I took after that point I was an animal researcher focused on animal models of sexual dysfunction and very soon after reading that paper I made the switch over to studying women’s sexual response in the laboratory. Then I was introduced to mindfulness a few years after that when I was living and working as a post-doctoral fellow at the University of Washington in Seattle and learned about mindfulness because it was a very effective part of treatment for individuals who engaged in cutting behaviour or parasuicidal behaviors and mindfulness essentially helped those patients cope. It helped them cope with the ups and downs of their emotions, their tendency to want to hurt themself and basically it taught them – if they could remain in the present and really focus on what it felt like, including all of the distressing emotions they were feeling, that they could ride it out almost like as if they were on a surfboard. So that again another pivotal turn in my career that introduced me to mindfulness. I began my own personal practice and rather intensive training and learning about mindfulness and really the rest is history so to speak.

[00:03:52] – Chris Rose
And here we are 15 years later and this treatment has proven to not only effectively help women with low sexual desire and other sexual struggles but create lasting changes. And again 15 years later we don’t have the pink Viagra. So what is it – your book is called Better Sex Through Mindfulness. So let’s start with the basics, what is it about mindfulness that can lead to a better sexual experience?

[00:04:24] – Lori Brotto
So mindfulness is essentially a way of being. It includes paying attention in the present moment moment by moment and doing so non-judgemental and compassionately. So it’s more than just paying attention or concentration training but rather it’s about how we pay attention. And one of the things we know is that individuals who have sexual concerns and in particular women who have low desire are often struck by myriad negative thoughts about their own performance, concerns about whether or not they will respond, worries and fears about how a partner may respond or or not approve about their sexual activities or outcomes, and there’s compelling data that shows that this sort of onslaught of negative thoughts and negative self judgements and essentially women be very very hard on themselves can directly and negatively affect their ability to become sexually aroused and have sexual desire. And so one of the ways that we believe mindfulness is helpful for women with sexual concerns is it teaches them to just be in the moment, to notice sensations without that tendency to jump into the future and worry about “Am I responding enough? Is this going to upset my partner? is this going to lead to disaster? Am I not going to reach an orgasm?”

[00:05:57]
And so mindfulness really allows them to really tune into sensations and really stay with the sensations so that they might still have those negative thoughts but they’re not dominating the field of their awareness. And our research has shown that that’s probably one of the important ways. There are certainly other ways as well that mindfulness is helpful but that’s really one of the key ways is really targeting that negative self judgment.

[00:06:26] – Chris Rose
The work of a lifetime.

[00:06:28] – Lori Brotto
Yeah sure is

[00:06:30] – Chris Rose
So when we think about so many women having low sexual desire do you feel like we need to rethink how we culturally talk about desire? What are your thoughts about how we reframe the human the notion of desire in the first place?

[00:06:47] – Lori Brotto
Yeah absolutely and this has been an area of work that I’ve been pretty actively involved with as along with several others and that is how do we define sexual desire? And I think that there are many cultural stereotypes around what sexual desire is and one of them being this notion that you either have desire or you don’t. And when you have it it’s something that just exists within you it lives somewhere within your body you feel it physically and it always compels you towards sexual activities. So you know you feel horny, you feel butterflies, you feel some kind of internal physical trigger that moves you towards sex. And one of the things we know is yeah that might that might express sexual desire for some people or maybe for some people some of the time depending on their context, their age, what kind of relationship there and how long that relationship is, a host of other factors. But we also know that there are other ways that desire is expressed and one of the more helpful ways of thinking about desire is as if it were an emotion just like sadness or happiness. Now we feel happy when positive things happen to us when things in our environment or people we interact with say or do things that make us feel happy so happiness happens in response to something and it can be really helpful to think about sexual desire in the same way. So we feel desire when there are triggers for desire. And the research suggests that that’s probably a much more common manifestation of desire than this idea that desire something just is or is not within you. And when we think about desire in that way, as something that can be triggered or elicited, then suddenly we feel far more empowered to explore – well what are those cultivators of desire? And if I don’t have desire or my desire is less than it used to be maybe this is an opportunity to explore the triggers and the context that would be more likely to elicit desire for me.

[00:09:11] – Chris Rose
And part of that exploration is paying attention. So how does mindfulness help us pay attention to what’s already going on in our body and tuning in rather than tuning out?

[00:09:24]
So in our own work and of course our work is heavily influenced by the much larger field of work exploring mindfulness based interventions for other issues like stress and anxiety and depression and chronic pain.

[00:09:40]
And so the way that we do that with sexual concerns is we start with introducing a formal practice. So in our groups this means that we bring groups of about eight to 10 women together we have a facilitator who is well versed in both mindfulness space practice as well as in sex therapy and we spend really the first hour of our two hour group engaged in a mindfulness practice where the facilitator will provide instructions for the participants something along the lines of – pay attention to the breath, notice where in the body the breath is experienced, notice what sensations are associated with breathing, notice any sounds or smells or thoughts or other sensations that go along with breathing. That’s just a really really quick short snippet of a much longer exercise that we do called mindfulness of breath – but essentially we encourage women to adopt a regular formal mindfulness practice in their lives where they might practice a formal meditation every day for you know 20 to 30 minutes and then we gradually tailor these exercises to more sexual contexts. So in that sense we might first encourage the women to engage in some self touch and while they’re touching themselves alone they can practice mindfulness at the same time. So what does it actually feel like these sensations as I’m touching myself head to toe including the more erogenous parts of her body – the nipples, the breasts, the vulva, the labia, et cetera. And then we also talk quite specifically about how they might incorporate these new found skills when they’re sexual together with a partner.

[00:11:41] – Chris Rose
I love that. So we released our mindful sex course about four months ago. And one of the things we include is the aroused body scan, because I think there’s different information to be gained from paying attention in a state of arousal. And I love that in your book you include all these exercises of mapping the mindful practice into the sexual encounter either alone or with a partner. What are some of the issues. So a lot of women report this disconnect between the body and the brain. Right. And in the book you talk about arousal concordance and interoception – these are big words, so how do we explain these concepts and think about this unification of the mental and physical experience of sex?

[00:12:27] – Lori Brotto
Right. So I’ll maybe just start with a bit of a real example of one of the first groups that I I worked with when I was a fellow at the University of Washington Seattle to adapt and test mindfulness and this was at a time when I was working quite closely in research with cancer survivors. And these specifically were women survivors of gynecologic cancer where their treatment involved rather radical removal of some of the the internal reproductive structures, so with a radical hysterectomy they had their uterus or cervix and the upper part of the vagina removed and many of these women described a complete lack of any any pleasure any sensation with genital contact. They often talked about it as feeling as though my partner’s touching my elbow. So rather than having that specific sexual pleasure related quality they could feel touch but it was not pleasurable for them whatsoever and it was really a potent example of this kind of disconnect because what we learned was when we taught women to really pay attention, to really notice the sensations that were there while they were engaged in erotic touch or sexual contact, that they realized that there were still sensations of pleasure that they could by focusing on them and really tuning into them could then amplify. So that’s one example of how and why paying attention can really amplify a response that maybe women are not noticing or that has been greatly reduced. Now there’s also been quite a large body of research led by Meredith Chivers, a fantastic Canadian sex researcher as well as others, that shows when you bring women into a right into a sexual psychophysiology research lab and you show them a series of erotic videos and you measure their physical response, typically by the use of a vaginal probe that measures their genital blood flow. And then you also ask them how turned on or how sexually aroused they are, that far more often than not what those studies will find is that there might be a strong physical sexual arousal response. And yet at the same time women are self reporting either minimal sexual arousal or not being sexually aroused or frankly being turned off and we often find that in our samples of women with sexual dysfunction. So the body is responding in the mind is simply not. And that’s what we mean by either low concordance or frankly discordance. And that what that means is that when exposed to a sexual trigger the body’s responding and the mind is not and sometimes you can have the opposite you might have the mind that sexually excited and turned on and the body that’s not responding. So one of the things that we’ve been very interested in in our research is how does mindfulness impact this concordance or this mind body agreement in sexual response. And we’ve now found in a few studies that essentially what mindfulness does is it increases the amount of communication between the brain’s arousal pathways and the body’s sexual response such that as women are becoming aroused in their body they’re far more likely to be tuned in also in their mind and therefore state that they feel sexually excited.

[00:16:13] – Chris Rose
And is this a function of strengthening neural pathways? Do we know yet how this functions?

[00:16:21] – Lori Brotto
Yeah. So this is really where the research needs to go next and we speculate on how and why that is and one of the kind of leading explanations that I believe is going on is we’re strengthening women’s ability to become interoceptive aware. So interception or interoceptive awareness, this is just our general ability to know what’s going on in our body.

[00:16:50]
So you might know folks who are acutely aware of their own heart rate and accurately aware of their own heart rate or those women who can actually sense when they are they ovulate or sense other internal physical sensations. That is interception and we measure interoception in our studies, both through self report questionnaires as well as through a heart rate accuracy test that women do before the mindfulness groups and after. And what we’ve found is that as women become more interoceptively aware this is also associated with their increased ability to tune into those sexual sensations as well.

[00:17:32] – Chris Rose
So in the moment of receiving sensation you are aware of how you’re feeling, then you can map the emotional response onto it and then comes the piece of nonjudgment, right. So we live in a culture that has nothing but judgment, especially around female sexual desire. How does this piece of practicing non-judgment and self compassion play out in your groups? What kind of transformations are possible there?

[00:18:04] – Lori Brotto
Yeah so this this has been really in my mind probably one of the most critical ingredients in our mindfulness based intervention. So I mentioned the awareness of the breath practice. We also have body awareness practice, awareness of thoughts, awareness of sounds and then we also have specific practices that are designed to cultivate compassion towards one’s self. And typically in the group what that looks like is there’s a lot of emotion that goes along with realizing and recognizing that we can be really hard on ourselves. And when you do a formal practice with women where your instructions invite them to cultivate a sense of love and compassion to them self and they realize just how challenging that is – so you have no difficulties at all cultivating love towards other people that they know, even other people that they don’t know. But when it comes to really channeling that love and compassion towards them self there is great great difficulty in doing that. And immediately the women realize what role that this plays in perhaps perpetuating some of their sexual concerns so because they’re constantly faced with a fear of disapproval and concerns about not being good enough sexually as well as otherwise. And when we start to really confront that in the group and send women home with practices that are designed to cultivate compassion they immediately feel transformed in fact many of the women when we follow up with women and engage them in some interviews after they do the group they’ll often tell us how that was one of the most challenging parts of of the eight week intervention is really cultivating that love towards themself.

[00:20:03] – Chris Rose
Especially when we live in the world we do right now.

[00:20:06] – Lori Brotto
That’s right.

[00:20:07] – Chris Rose
I know you you mentioned you worked with cancer survivors. You’ve also worked with trauma survivors. What has working with this population taught you?

[00:20:17] – Lori Brotto
Yeah. Wow what an opportunity that has been to offer to these women, who have in some cases really quite tragic and horrific histories of sexual abuse and assault, many of them as children. And one of my motivations in working with that group using mindfulness specifically are that these the women that we worked with had already undergone fairly extensive psychotherapy to deal with the aftermath the psychological aftermath of their abuse histories and most of them felt like they were resilient and they got past that until they found themselves in consensual sexual relationships again where engaging in sex or feeling sexual arousal triggered many of the past intrusive thoughts and nightmares and distress and dissociation as it had done in their past and their abusive situations. So very very distressing because these were women who were now in happy and consensual relationships. They wanted to be sexual. And yet they had this kind of recurrence of their their past PTSD and trauma symptoms. And so we believed that a mindfulness approach teaching women to really tune into the arousal and notice that the building sensations of arousal and staying with it, without getting pulled away into dissociation, was really quite key and we found in one study that we did where we compared this approach to another effective psychological approach Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, that the women who received the mindfulness training were able to have far less distressed sex related distress and moreover they were really able to tune into their body and experience both their body getting aroused as well as their mind getting aroused. So for me it was really after working with those women who who had experienced histories of sexual abuse that it convinced me that wow, this was really a tool and a practice that finally could make a lasting impact on women’s sexuality.

[00:22:43] – Chris Rose
And while most of your work has been around women’s sexuality, what are your thoughts on how this research translates to the male sexual experience?

[00:22:52] – Lori Brotto
Yeah I’ve been often asked that question particularly since the book has women in the title. And yet our research over the last two to three years has also adapted these same strategies, our same groups to different populations of men with some really fantastic outcomes. So for example one of the studies we did involved men who have situational premature ejaculation which essentially means that these are guys who had no difficulty with their ejaculation or their erection when they were on their own but when they’re with a partner they might ejaculate too early or the men with situational erectile dysfunction have no difficulty getting erection on their own but when they’re with a partner because of concerns and fears and worries and and concern about performance failure they might lose their erection. And so we found mindfulness to be really a powerful tool, a powerful strategy for helping them gain better control over their erections and for dealing specifically with the premature ejaculation. We’ve much more recently been delivering mindfulness based strategies also to prostate cancer survivors together with their partners.

[00:24:15]
Now this is a bit of a different population because one of the things we know is that prostate cancer treatment whether it’s the surgery or the chemotherapy or the radiation produces lasting and permanent sexual difficulties for the vast majority of men who survive their prostate cancer. So our use of mindfulness with this population is not so much focused on getting their sexual function back but rather on expanding their repertoire. Their – what we call “a buffet menu” of different ways of being sexual that don’t focus on having an erect penis.

[00:24:55]
So that work’s been very interesting because typically this is a population who’s really really distressed and very focused on getting their erection back and that also probably speaks to bigger societal notions of what it means to be a masculine man and to be a masculine man means to have a rock hard erection when one wants it, when one wants to need it. So mindfulness and in particular the compassion practice of mindfulness has been very useful for that population of men in expanding the different ways that they might be sexual.

[00:25:32] – Chris Rose
So important, I love that. Recently on the podcast we were talking about performance anxiety and the idea that excitation and anxiety are both arousal responses. How does mindfulness allow us to grow our capacity for arousal and excitation without flipping into anxiety?

[00:26:00] – Lori Brotto
That is a great question and I’m going to write that down because that would be a great future research study. And you know one of the things we know is that among women with low desire, individuals with low desire more generally, that there may be different kind of patterns for sort of their reasons for their low desire.

[00:26:23]
So it may be the case that one woman has a low capacity for becoming sexually excited so a low excitation ability and for other women they might be much higher on the inhibition domain. So they might have kind of internal structures in their brain that constantly put the brakes on and prevent them from becoming sexually excited. So in our own research we have measures of this inhibition and excitation tendency and we’re now starting to look at how mindfulness might specifically impact those two different systems the excitation and inhibition system. So we don’t quite know exactly how that happens yet but we can speculate that one of the things that mindfulness does is by tuning in and reducing avoidance tendencies that it probably does have an impact on lessening some of those inhibitory barriers that are preventing women from getting sexually excited. Now how it impacts the excitatory pathways we don’t know quite yet what the answer to that is.

[00:27:33] – Chris Rose
I look forward to it. Thank you. And when we released our mindful sex course and when we talk about mindfulness on the podcast, sometimes the response we get is “I’m all ready to self conscious during sex. I’m already too much in my head” and there’s this confusion that mindfulness means overthinking. How do you talk about the specific qualities of mindful attention that are different from everyday cognitive function?

[00:28:03] – Lori Brotto
Yeah that’s also a very common concern expressed by women in our group which is “I’m already hyper vigilant to my own function and I actually think that that’s actually getting in the way of my sexual arousal.” And so there are different ways of paying attention and in the woman who’s hyper vigilant. There can be a tendency to misinterpret what’s happening as signaling some kind of negative or disastrous or catastrophic outcome. So by hyper focusing on “am I getting aroused, am I wet yet, am I excited, what’s happening in my body, what’s happening in my vulva, what’s happening with my nipples” It’s not a hypervigilance that we’re cultivating but rather it’s an awareness and an observing. One of the other really important things that we practice with mindfulness is something that mindfulness experts call “open monitoring” and that is our ability to just kind of notice everything that is happening without attaching to any one particular experience. And so in our groups when we lead the mindfulness practice there’s really two things that we focus on. One is notice what’s happening. Notice the sensations. And then secondly notice if you have a tendency to become overfocused on those so to attach to experience attachment and simultaneously notice if there’s a tendency to want to move away from or experience some aversive reaction to those sensations. So we fold in this practicing practice of noticing attachment and aversion while we’re also noticing sensations and that can be a really useful concept for those women who tend to be hyper vigilant about their sensations.

[00:30:00] – Chris Rose
Oh yeah I know that well from being mindful during chronic pain. And to map that onto how we move away from or towards pleasure that is really powerful. So of all of your research findings over the past decade plus what has been most surprising to you?

[00:30:19] – Lori Brotto
I think one of the pleasantly surprising outcomes has been that when we invite women back six months and one year later that they continue to experience the benefits. They’re continuing to practice the mindfulness maybe not in the same kind of intensive way that they did when they participated in our groups but because they’ve experienced lasting improvements not only in their sexual response unsatisfaction but on those other important parts of quality of life like mood and ability to cope with stress ability to just engage more in life and enjoy their meals and pay attention to their conversations that they actually want to continue to do these practices in their in their life. So it’s been a really positive observation is to see that we are planting a seed but then that seed continues to be cultivated and it grows into women’s ongoing practice long after they leave our our center. So that’s been a great finding. I think one of the other maybe somewhat surprising findings is that the benefits of mindfulness were not specific to those women who already bought into the idea of Mindfulness being useful.

[00:31:44]
So basically what I mean by that is that we include baseline measures for women engaged in the groups around “how much do you think that this is going to help you” and “how much do you really agree with this kind of a mindfulness based approach” and “how skeptical are you of these strategies and whether they will work for you?” And what we found is that women’s baseline level of confidence in the mindfulness treatment and in their level of skepticism had no bearing whatsoever on whether they benefited from the mindfulness or not. So this is great news because one of the the concerns that I’ve certainly read about in the larger mindfulness literature is you know maybe this is only for a small segment of the population who practice yoga and are open to integrative and contemplative practices. Maybe these are folks who you know are have an openness to Buddhist meditation more generally. And our research finds that actually it’s not specific to that population that really cuts across different segments of the population regardless of their baseline level of belief or not.

[00:32:58] – Chris Rose
Thanks so much to your work, we have a developing new field of mindfulness based sex therapy. What do you see coming down the road for the future? What questions are you excited to ask next?

[00:33:14] – Lori Brotto
So we know that sexual difficulties are common. They cut across different ages, different demographics, different cultural groups, different relationship status, sexual orientations, and although my work has focused mostly on women and on the most common concerns being low desire and lack of sexual satisfaction, what I would love to see is kind of an exporting of these approaches for much broader groups. So perhaps individuals who are grappling with sexual identity or who are experiencing stigma or face prejudice as they’re contemplating coming out of the closet and revealing their sexual orientation. So I would love to see kind of an adaptation of these strategies for much broader populations of individuals who are again kind of confronting with different aspects in that broad field of sexuality.

[00:34:17] – Chris Rose
Thank you so much for this conversation and thank you so much for this book.

[00:34:22] – Lori Brotto
Thank you so much for the opportunity. It’s been a real treat to talk to you today.

Female Performance Anxiety

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Women can suffer from performance anxiety too! Here’s how to overcome female performance anxiety!

In this episode about female performance anxiety, we cover:

how female performance anxiety is different from male performance anxiety
how to slow things down so you can enjoy sex more
different types of performance anxiety and how they show up
making vulnerability sexy rather than scary
how mindful sex practices can help you overcome performance anxiety

Here is the email that inspired this episode. If you have a question or topic you want covered on a future Speaking of Sex episode, be in touch! Click here for a complete podcast archive.

Hi friends

Thank you for this amazing opportunity to engage, share, learn and talk. I just discovered your site recently and am loving the info you provide and the way in which you do.

So here’s my question:

I recently broke up with my boyfriend after 6 years. We had a great sexlife; he made me come often and well. After my grieving period came to an end I started masturbating and I come quickly and beautifully. Sometimes in 3-5 minutes.

I’ve had sex with two men since and have not come with either- I’m anxious, nervous- what am I doing wrong? I even touch myself but I never reach quite the same pleasure mark as I do when I’m on my own or indeed as I used to with my partner. Sigh.

Please help.

Thank you.

I dedicate my first orgasm with a man to all of you sex angels.

Transcript of Podcast Episode on Female Performance Anxiety

Podcast transcripts are generated with love by humans, and thus may not be 100% accurate. Time stamps are included so you can cross reference or jump to any point in the podcast episode above. THANKS to the members of our Pleasure Pod for helping make transcripts and the rest of our free offerings happen! If you love what we offer, find ways to show your love and dive deeper with us here: SHOW SOME LOVE

Chris: 00:01 Hi, welcome to Speaking of Sex with The Pleasure Mechanics. I’m Chris.

Charlotte: 00:05 I’m Charlotte.

Chris: 00:06 We are The Pleasure Mechanics and on this podcast we share expert advice so you can have an amazing sex life. Come on over to pleasuremechanics.com where you will find a complete podcast archive as well as a wealth of resources for you to peruse.

Chris: 00:24 When you are ready to jumpstart your sex life go to pleasuremechanics.com/free and sign up for one of our free mini courses so we can deliver our best sex advice straight to your inbox, and when you’re ready to master new erotic skills, checkout our premium online courses where we guide you stroke by stroke in mastering new skills like foreplay, couple’s massage, or even erotic spanking.

Chris: 00:52 Be sure to use the code speaking of sex for 20% off the course of your choice. On today’s episode, we are going to be talking about female performance anxiety. We often think about performance anxiety as something men have to deal with, but we got an email from one of our listeners reminding us that women too can have performance anxiety. And let’s see how it plays out.

Chris: 01:18 Charlotte’s going to get us started by reading the questions submitted by our listener.

Charlotte: 01:23 She writes, “Hi friends. Thank you for this amazing opportunity to engage, learn, and talk. I just discovered your site recently and I am loving the information you provide and the way in which you do. Here’s my question. I recently broke up with my boyfriend after to six years.

Charlotte: 01:44 We had a great sex life. He made me come often and well. After to my grieving period came to an end, I started masturbating and I come quickly and beautifully. Sometimes in three to five minutes. I’ve had sex with two men since and I’ve not come with either. I’m anxious, nervous. What am I doing wrong?

Charlotte: 02:05 I even touch myself, but I never reach quite the same pleasure mark as I do when I’m on my own or indeed as I used to with my partner. Please help. Thank you. I dedicate my first orgasm with a man to all of you sex angels.

Chris: 02:23 Thank you.

Charlotte: 02:25 I like being a sex angel.

Chris: 02:30 Immediately what was interesting to me about this is when we think about performance anxiety in men, we think about the anxiety and the emotions that shutdown erection, thus performance, and this is the construct of sex that we think about is if you don’t have an erection, you can’t have intercourse, therefore you can’t perform, therefore you are a failure.

Chris: 02:52 And we’ve taken that apart and previous episodes and our advice is to move on with different activities, to use your hands, your mouth, to take the pressure off the erection. But this listener is talking about performance anxiety when it comes to pleasure. Like she’s still able to receive intercourse and so we wouldn’t name it like performance anxiety, but her experience of sex, her pleasure, her orgasm is inhibited by her anxiety.

Chris: 03:24 She actually used the term performance anxiety. It was in the subject line of her email. And so that’s why I made that connection at all. I wouldn’t have approached this as performance anxiety.

Charlotte: 03:37 I think this is a really fascinating and important subject to look at and for us to reflect on because there isn’t an overt erection for women, we don’t necessarily think about them performing. I’m having trouble with performance anyway because I feel like it’s not about performance and we talk about it in a million other podcasts, but we can’t see that something isn’t working, like the arousal system isn’t working in the way that one might hope and expect or one’s used to.

Chris: 04:10 I sometimes wish that female arousal like it was like at the carnival and you lit up the lights and then it was like ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding and then intercourse is possible and like the pearly gates opened only when the arousal was enough like then it would be like, “Oh she didn’t perform it, only got to level three,” and I think guys would maybe like take it more seriously to get women aroused before penetration.

Chris: 04:31 This is the first episode of this podcast we ever did was about female arousal before penetration and intercourse. Like we feel really strongly about this subject, and we’ve talked about it a lot, but there’s no visual cue for a lot of people and there’s no marker of is she turned on enough to move forward with this sex act. And so-

Charlotte: 04:53 Because wetness is not a marker. Sometimes people think that it is and it’s not correlated to arousal or not being aroused. That is one of the main markers that people use and-

Chris: 05:06 Oh, she’s so wet, she was ready for it.

Charlotte: 05:08 Which isn’t necessarily the case.

Chris: 05:09 But for this person’s experience, for a lot of women’s experience, the deed of sex, the act of sex is not pleasurable, is not worth it and can even be painful or distressing if they’re not into it enough, if they’re not aroused enough to enjoy it. And so when we think about female sexual performance, we should really be thinking about female sexual pleasure and arousal and orgasm and how well the act is working for them as well.

Chris: 05:40 Let’s dive into this listener’s question. And what’s awesome about all of the questions that we receive from you is that no one’s alone in their struggle. So we get a lot of emails from women about orgasm during sex and not having orgasms with partners, even though they’re having orgasms during masturbation, and why is that?

Chris: 05:57 Let’s talk about this because what her information tells me is that the system is working. She’s having orgasms alone. And just like when we talk about male erection and we’d look at morning erections and erections during masturbation, just to see if the plumbing is working. Like that’s the baseline assessment. And so what she’s communicated to us and what so many women say is, “I can have orgasms, just not with my partner.”

Chris: 06:26 So we know that the system is working, her nerve endings are working, orgasms are possible. Where to from there?

Charlotte: 06:34 And then that you’ve had the experience of having orgasms with a partner. You know that that system can work. It’s just this new partner situation and I read it as there’re all these other emotional layers that are happening in a new relationship where perhaps there isn’t the trust or there isn’t the comfort or there isn’t the knowledge that they really admire and like you in this way that your previous partner had expressed and you guys had that understanding.

Charlotte: 07:06 It’s just there’s an emotional experience that is perhaps in the way of the orgasm. And we talked about this in the Turn Offs and Turn On podcast recently.

Chris: 07:20 Yes. If you haven’t already listened to episode 227 about the dual model control of arousal that is definitely relevant here. And the dual model control of arousal tells us that there are things that excite us and contribute to the arousal, your gas pedal. And there are things that inhibit us and detract from your arousal, your brake pedal.

Chris: 07:42 It sounds to me like the brakes are on and so when you’re adding the usual stimulation of touching your clitoris, that additional excitation isn’t enough to bring you to orgasm because you’re slamming on the brakes. So what are some possible breaks in this scenario?

Charlotte: 08:00 Just the newness of the relationship and not necessarily trusting them or knowing where the relationships going, not feeling the same level of connection.

Chris: 08:11 Well, she talks about anxiety, so an active anxiety means she’s worried about do they find her attractive? Is this a sex they want? Are they going to stick around for a relationship? What does this mean? Like all of those questions that go through our head with a new partner. Some of which are exciting and thrilling and build anticipation and others are kind of terrifying.

Chris: 08:32 Like you’re literally getting naked with someone new and exposing yourself and being vulnerable with someone new, and so of course your anxieties are flaring up. I think especially when you get out of a longterm relationship, you’ve been nestled in that cocoon of security and love and now you’re out in the world and dealing with life alone without a partner and dating and whether or not you’re just casually dating and exciting to be having sex with multiple people or you’re looking for your next partner, there’s still a vulnerability that comes with not having a secure partnership with the person you’re having sex with.

Chris: 09:10 And some of that is really exciting as I said, and some of it is scary, and so you really need to do an inventory of what your emotional states are with each new partner. In the meantime, I would recommend slowing it down, and I want to get there, but you keep mentioning this word trust. What does trust and orgasm have to do with each other?

Charlotte: 09:34 I think that for a lot of people having an experience of connection or trust can really allow one’s body to relax, and with that that can be more pleasure available.

Chris: 09:50 Yes, we know relaxation is essential for orgasm and what levels of trust are we talking about? So trust that they’re going to touch you well and not hurt you, trust that they are who they say they are and are they being authentic?

Charlotte: 10:07 Trust about where the relationship’s going, there can be concerns about STI or pregnancy, however you’re navigating that in a new relationship-

Chris: 10:15 Which might be a huge anxiety producer and like we shouldn’t glaze over that.

Charlotte: 10:19 No, it can be huge for some people absolutely.

Chris: 10:21 And just a side note, we don’t talk about sexually transmitted infections or unwanted pregnancies a lot on this podcast. We don’t really consider ourselves health professionals, we’re not trained medically. And so when we get questions about that, we refer you out to people who are experts in these topics, and a lot of our listeners are in dedicated longterm relationships and so we don’t talk about STI prevention and the sexual health side of things very often, but it is super important.

Chris: 10:53 If you’re navigating sex with new partners, preventing infection, preventing unwanted pregnancies is one of the highest anxiety producing things you have to navigate. And so making sure you are well educated about these things, that you have methods that you rely on, you know how they work and that you’re comfortable enough with them, that you can use them during sex, and if you have an infection, like so many people do, such as herpes or warts or something like that, that’s just kind of a chronic infection you have to know your own body well enough to know if you’re having a flare up, if you’re contagious or if you’re in remission, and then how to talk about that with new partners.

Chris: 11:36 We are going to try to tackle this topic soon. Bring in an expert on the topic because we don’t want to pretend like it’s not there, but if you’re having any anxiety about unwanted transmission of babies or diseases, then that of course is going to prevent you from having orgasms. It’s going to be distracting you. It’s going to be creating a fear response in your body. So yes, that’s huge.

Chris: 12:01 And then I think just the personal element of like, “Who am I fucking?” Like who is this person I’m letting into my body? Do they deserve to be in my body? Do they deserve to be my bed? Do I want to be naked with them? Sometimes we find ourselves having sex before we’re ready.

Chris: 12:15 A lot of adults kind of go through the bases. It’s like they kiss, they fondle, they do some touchy, touchy, maybe some oral sex and then they have intercourse. Like it’s this just natural progression of activities that you go through with each new partner, and I really want to encourage you to slow it down and not have sex with people so quickly even if you want to.

Chris: 12:38 I’m not saying be a prude and hold out. Even if you really want to be having sex, slow it down and see how that affects your anxiety. Keep your clothes on for a little while, stay in the make out session and notice what your body does when you slow down. Does it start relaxing into the person’s presence? Are you building that trust? Are you building the kind of communication where you feel like you can melt into the person’s embrace in the way that we have to do when we want to have orgasms with a partner?

Chris: 13:12 Because I think those are the orgasms of the partner that people are seeking. I think there’s this other way of having orgasms with a partner that you can use the friction and take your mind somewhere and distract herself from all the anxieties that you’re rubbing up against one another and using the friction as a sex toy kind of thing, and then you have orgasms in one another’s presence, but it’s not really together.

Chris: 13:35 You know what I mean?

Charlotte: 13:36 I do. That’s-

Chris: 13:38 Another-

Charlotte: 13:39 It’s nuanced. I think that excitement is so close to nervousness and anxiety. Fear is excitement without breath is what they say. Meaning the states of fear and the state of excitement are very similar in the body. The difference is when you’re excited, you’re a little bit relaxed as well, and you’re breathing fully and you’re able to stay present in the moment.

Charlotte: 14:04 When you’re afraid, you tense up around that excitement, your breath constricts, and you start going into the worry and the fear and the projected reality of what’s in the future. Like you can’t really be afraid in the present moment and be relaxed at the same time.

Charlotte: 14:23 Breathe baby, breathe. Breathe, and see if you can stay in the excitement realm, and if that means taking off less clothes or just doing play with your hands so that you’re exploring orgasm or exploring arousal together, but not necessarily having intercourse. Like maybe that could be a way that you’re exploring the connection and the excitement of building more trust, but keeping it exciting instead of anxiety producing.

Chris: 14:51 Yeah, for me, if I was writing the rules of sex from the ground up, I would recommend that everyone has orgasms with new partners before having any sort of penetrative intercourse.

Charlotte: 15:02 Yeah, that would be awesome. I think teenagers that’d be awesome also. Does a whole other stuff.

Chris: 15:08 It’s just a game changer. I don’t feel like someone’s genitals should be inside your body before you’ve gained that level of communication. And I say orgasm, I really mean high states of arousal. Some people cannot have the climax of orgasm, but they can get to high states of arousal that feel really great and cathartic if that’s where you’re at, great, but see how it feels for yourself to rewrite your own rules and slow it down and try to have orgasms with new partners before intercourse.

Chris: 15:42 Try all the other ways of engaging all the other things you can do. If you need help, check out our foreplay mastery course, but try to reach that level of intimacy and communication and relaxation with a new partner before you have intercourse and then see how the intercourse feels.

Charlotte: 16:00 Or go on more dates before you take off your clothes. I know that’s a crazy idea, but-

Chris: 16:07 She hasn’t really give us information about-

Charlotte: 16:08 Totally, but I think it’s just this point of like creating more of an experience of relaxation and trust before you’re trying to have an orgasm. Because if that’s what your body is needing … Like your body can have orgasms, you know how to do this. It’s really about it not feeling totally safe or this trust worth that I keep putting it to use.

Charlotte: 16:30 That’s I think the piece. And there’s nothing wrong with that, that this newness can be exciting, but trying to explore in the exciting realm instead of in the anxiety producing realm. And so doing what you need to do to create that situation, whether that’s more dating beforehand or more play that isn’t intercourse as Chris is suggesting.

Chris: 16:51 Well one thing we haven’t talked about is the partner’s skills, and so that’s of course this huge other factor is, is the partner you’re having desirable, sexy, exciting to you? Are they touching you well? Are they talking to you well? All of those things are in that sexual excitation category and then each new partner brings their own things in that inhibition breaks category.

Chris: 17:17 There is an element here where you might have to sleep with a few people before you find your next great partner.

Charlotte: 17:23 Yeah. And that can be part of the adventure and the fun.

Chris: 17:27 And there’s this balance here because I think our culture tells us, just find the right partner and everything will be okay. We know better than that. We know that there’s a lot to work on in your own sexuality, in your own relationship with your body to be able to have great sex, no matter who you’re with.

Chris: 17:41 You can be with the most skilled, sexy, amazing partner in the world and not have any fun if you don’t bring certain things to the table. The big advice here is to start managing your inhibitions, managing your emotional anxiety so you can be fully present, relaxed and aware as you’re having sex with new people and can start determining who you want to have sex with more often and invite back into your bedroom and into your body.

Chris: 18:10 And so do that by slowing things down, taking things one step at a time, focusing on your breathing. Breath is always good in the bedroom and in this case will help you stay relaxed and focused on the present moment, and notice what emotional anxieties are coming up. What can you deal with and what do you need to just be friends with and set aside and get back to your erotic experience.

Chris: 18:35 If it’s things like pregnancy, then you can deal with that by coming up with contraceptive methods that work for you. If it’s things like body image or emotional concerns about where the relationship is going, you may just have to gently make friends with that, set it aside and notice it’s there, but not let it overwhelm your erotic experience.

Chris: 18:58 Really just be gentle with yourself. You’re in a very significant process here of opening up to new intimacy after a six year relationship. That’s a big deal. So be kind to yourself as you move through this process and keep masturbating. I was so happy to read that part of it. Keep taking care of your own sexual needs. Keep exploring your arousal, keep exploring your fantasies and know that that is all fuel you’re going to bring into your next great love affair with a partner.

Charlotte: 19:30 And know that it makes total sense that your emotions are inhibiting your arousal, that that is an extremely reasonable and sensible thing that is happening in your body and in your experience of your sexuality right now. I love Chris’s advice of make friends with the emotions that you are noticing and see if that helps calm them so that you can be present to the physical experience and the excitement of what perhaps is happening.

Chris: 20:01 Let us know what works for you. We love hearing from you, and any other listener that’s having an experience where strong emotions are affecting arousal systems, we want to hear your story and what’s going on for you. Come on over to pleasuremechanics.com and explore the site and go to pleasuremechanics.com/hello to leave us a voicemail message or send us an email and let us know what’s going on for you.

Chris: 20:28 We love hearing from you. I’m Chris.

Charlotte: 20:31 I’m Charlotte.

Chris: 20:32 We are The Pleasure Mechanics.

Charlotte: 20:33 Wishing you a lifetime of pleasure.

Becoming Cliterate with Dr. Laurie Mintz

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Men have about three orgasms for every one a woman has in a long term relationship. This is not because women’s anatomy is more complicated! It turns out that the kind of sex most people are having is not what will bring most women to orgasm. Studies and surveys reveal that only 4-5% can have orgasms through intercourse alone.

The solution? Closing the orgasm gap requires learning about clitoral anatomy and how to use it. In her new book, Dr. Laurie Mintz shares the intricate anatomy of the clitoris and how to create new kinds of sexual scripts that will lead you to female orgasm and beyond. She encourages more time for full body warm-up, lots of clitoral stimulation and new alternatives and additions to intercourse so you can expand your sexual repertoire. The book goes way beyond the clitoris and shares essential techniques for communication and conversation that will be equally transformative to your sex life.

We’ve been holding women back by looking for the ultimate orgasm instead of getting to know their own body and how to have orgasms in the way their body likes best ~ Dr. Laurie Mintz on becoming more orgasmic.

In this episode, we explore the orgasm gap and how it impacts men and women alike.

We cover:

The orgasm gap and why it matters
The most reliable way to generate female orgasms
The orgasm hierarchy
The true anatomy of the clitoris and how to stimulate it
The vast variety of ways to create clitoral stimulation
The kind of intercourse we ALL should be having
The orgasm paradox
Mindful sex and how it helps you experience more orgasms

Get to know your own body and learn to express it’s needs to your partner. There is no one right way to have sex. Whatever your body wants and needs is the right way to have sex. Get rid of all the cultural “shoulds” when it comes to what you need for pleasure and orgasms. ~ Dr. Laurie Mintz

All Bodies Welcome Here!

When we talk about the clitoris we may talk about women as a general category of people who have a clitoris – but some people who have a clitoris identify as men and some people who identify as women don’t have a clitoris – so while our language is limited our intention is inclusive and everyone who has a human body will gain valuable wisdom and insight from this conversation.

About Dr. Laurie Mintz, author of Becoming Cliterate

Dr. Laurie Mintz is a tenured Professor at the University of Florida, where she teaches the Psychology of Human Sexuality to hundreds of undergraduate students each year. Dr. Mintz has published over 50 research articles in academic journals and six chapters in academic books. She also writes a popular blog and has a small private therapy practice. Her professional goal is to provide scientifically-accurate, sex-positive information to enhance female pleasure. Dr. Mintz first book was A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex: Reclaim Your Desire and Reignite Your Relationship and in this episode we dive into her new book Becoming Cliterate : Why Orgasm Equality Matters—And How to Get It.

Find out more about Dr. Laurie Mintz here

To master the skills of clitoral stimulation, check out our Foreplay Mastery Course for stroke by stroke video guidance!

Transcript of Becoming Cliterate Interview with Dr. Laurie Mintz

Note: This is a transcript auto-generated from the audio recording of this interview. It has been lightly edited with human love, but is provided not as a polished written piece but rather as a supplement to the audio and a service to anyone who could use a text version of this valuable information! Thanks!

Chris Maxwell Rose (CMR): Hi, welcome to Speaking of Sex with the Pleasure Mechanics. I’m Chris, and on today’s episode, I have the pleasure of speaking with Dr. Laurie Mintz. Before we dive in, let me remind you to come on over to PleasureMechanics.com for our complete podcast archive and go to PleasureMechanics.com/free to sign up for the Erotic Essentials, our free mini course delivered straight to your inbox. When you’re ready to master new erotic skills including those we will speak about on this episode, check out our mastery courses and use the code “speaking of sex” for 20% off the course of your choice. So today we welcome Dr. Laurie Mintz. She’s a tenured professor at the University of Florida where she teaches the psychology of human sexuality to hundreds of undergraduate students each year. Dr. Mintz has published over 50 research articles in academic journals and six chapters in academic books. She also writes a popular blog and has a small private therapy practice. Her professional goal is to provide scientifically accurate sex positive information to enhance female pleasure. Dr. Mintz’s first book was A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex: Reclaim Your Desire and Reignite Your Relationship, and today we’re going to dive into her new book Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters and How To Get It. Dr. Laurie Mintz, welcome to Speaking of Sex!

Dr. Laurie Mintz (LM): Thank you. I’m excited to be here.

CMR: Mhm, We have so much to talk about I’m so excited! Before we start, I do want to say that we’re going to be talking a lot about the clitoris and a female body and I want to acknowledge that while we talk about women as a general category of people who have a clitoris, some people who have a clitoris identify as men and some people who identify as women don’t have a clitoris and there’s lots of genderqueer people in between. So while our language is limited, our intention is inclusive and everyone who has a human body will gain valuable wisdom and insight from this conversation. So Dr. Mintz, what is the “orgasm gap,” and why did it motivate you to write this book?
LM: Well the orgasm gap is the fact- and- first of all, let me- can back up and say how glad that I am that you are giving that introduction about language because that’s something I really struggled with when I wrote the book and I really do want this to be inclusive for everyone, so thank you for saying that and bringing that up. In terms of the “orgasm gap,” is the finding in multiple studies that women are having far fewer orgasms than our men and in relationship sex for example, the average is that a man will have three orgasms to every female orgasm, and if that weren’t bad enough, when we talk about casual sex, or hookup sex, things get even worse. In multiple years of my Psychology of Human Sexuality Class I take surveys, anonymous surveys, with- it’s called iClicker technology- and basically what I find is when I ask my students, “How often do you orgasm during first time hook up sex (during- including activities in which you could orgasm, since the term “hookup” is very vague) this is staggering to me, 55% of the men say yes, versus 4% of the women.

So there’s just a huge gap and that was my motivation for writing Becoming Cliterate is to give people the information to close that gap and make orgasms an equal opportunity event.

CMR: Yeah, and so anecdotally we know that women’s orgasms are harder to come by, and is this just because women’s bodies are oh-so-complicated, or is there something wrong with how we’re thinking about sex in the first place that culturally creates this orgasm gap?

LM: I believe it is cultural and that’s why my book is a combination of cultural analysis and self-help to examine why do we have this problem and then how can we solve this problem.

CMR: Mm. So how are we thinking about sex wrong?

LM: Well it’s a very male centered way of thinking about sex. Even the word “sex,” let’s start there -When we think- when we hear the word “sex” in our culture it is used synonymous with “intercourse” and that is how women think they should orgasm because if- especially if they’re getting their Sex Ed from mainstream movies or porn, what you see is women having fast and fabulous orgasms from intercourse alone, and that is a lie. I call that in the book “the number one lie about getting laid” that most women- the vast majority do NOT orgasm from thrusting alone. So that’s the basis of the lie, but then there’s so many other cultural factors that are also relevant, our lack of Sex Ed that includes pleasure. We don’t learn about the clitoris which is the primary sex orgasm organ in women, in any of our Sex Ed. Women are socialized to sort of, be more concerned about how they look and appear than how they feel, no one teaches Sex Communication… so there’s so, so, so, many cultural reasons that are uh, the culprit in the orgasm gap and it’s not because women are so complicated. Certainly, I think you know, what every woman needs to orgasm is different, because every woman’s genital nerves are positioned differently, but if you know what you need and you have communication skills it makes it not that complex and you know, lesbian women are not having- or women who have sex with women don’t have the orgasm gap, so to me that speaks volumes to “this is a cultural issue.”

CMR: Mm, so are you saying women who have sex with women have more orgasms than women who have sex with men?

LM: Yes, significantly more. There’s not a- when women have sex with women, they pretty much, you know, over 90% orgasm, same with when women… um, pleasure themselves about 94% orgasm, but when we add a penis in the equation, that number plummets.

CMR: OK, but I do want to say, so this isn’t an attack on men. It’s an attack on our culture that denies us all more pleasure because men are put under a lot of pressure too from this equation of thinking that they have to last longer in bed, that it’s all about their penis size… There’s so much suffering on both sides of this equation, right?

LM: Absolutely. And I was very, very, adamant and careful in the book to not do any male blaming or male bashing and I don’t blame men… um, and I specifically say this is- men are subject to the same pressures and in fact, Becoming Cliterate benefits men because they can take that pressure away from the falsehood of “lasting long, thrusting hard,” and I actually have a chapter in the book for men called You Don’t Have to Have a Clitoris to be Cliterate, where I actually do talk to them about the benefits of Cliteracy for them.

CMR: Mm, and I really love how you emphasize what we find too is that men who are in relationships with women want nothing more than to give pleasure and to see their women happy and they’re not these selfish monsters we make them out to be- it’s just about finding the strategies for both giving and receiving pleasure.

LM: Exactly, I couldn’t have said it any better. That’s exactly how I feel and what I believe.

CMR: So one of the features of this book that I love is really going into the anatomy of the clitoris and that it’s not just the tip of the iceberg we see but there’s a deep internal structure and how we can stimulate all parts of the clitoris.

I want to get your opinion on this because I’ve been fiddling with this idea because we talk about women “want direct clitoral stimulation,” but that doesn’t always mean direct on the glans of the clitoris on the very head where it’s most sensitive, right?

LM: Exactly, and in fact what we really we should be talking about: clitoral-vulva stimulation. CMR: Yes, yes

LM: But you know and in fact there’s a point in the book where I say that’s what I mean. Because basically every woman, as I said, their nerves are positioned differently: for some women, touching the hood of clitoris even to stimulate the glans below is too intense and they need stimulation say, through their panties, or the inner lips actually attached to the clitoral glans and hood in two places and stimulating the inner lips which are actually chock-full of nerves and analogous to the head of the man’s penis. You know, that stimulates the clitoris so… Some people even say we should be calling all of women’s genital anatomy the clitoris because it’s all interconnected, and exactly – that doesn’t mean just going for the glans or the hood. Absolutely.

CMR: I wrote in the notes of my book, “advanced Cliteracy,” like knowing where all of the parts of your clitoris are and being able to say specifically like “I like when you stimulate my clitoris through the labia,” and having that language is so important.

LM: Absolutely and that’s really another place where the orgasm gap is fueled is in our language because you know in Sex Ed, all that people learn about is the vagina. That is it. And we call all of women’s anatomy the vagina which you know, I’m not saying that intercourse is not pleasurable, but it is just not how most women reach orgasm, so even our language and our lack of language really obscures women’s orgasmic capacity in pleasure.

CMR: Do you get upset as I do when you hear people call their entire genitals the vagina?

LM: Oh I get really upset about that. I get upset when I hear that, I get upset when I hear people talking about like, articles that give the best sex position for her orgasm and don’t even mention the clitoris and are just talking about orgasm, intercourse… I get so upset about all of it. Once you see this language it’s so all around you it’s so hard not to get upset.

CMR: One of the things I love about the book is you give new scripts for pleasure.

You kind of point out that so many of us have a script that’s you know, kissing, a little bit of foreplay, going right into intercourse – and how this formula doesn’t allow many women, many people with clitorises to have the pleasure that they seek and you give different kind of play by play ideas for how to restructure, reformulate the sex act.

I think that’s brilliant. One of the things that I noticed is you start each script with about 20 minutes of fooling around. Why is that phase important?

LM: Well that phase is important because that warm up- but I’m talking about not even that’s before we even get into touching genitals and I’m not saying that it has to happen every time. I mean, sometimes that will be less than 20 minutes, sometimes more, but it takes women time to get aroused, and that’s full body arousal and to lubricate and just get into the idea “oh this is going to be really arousing and fun,” and sadly, research shows that in encounters between men and women the average amount of time spent on any kind of warm up before it’s right to touching genitals, (which might even not be wet at that point) for women is five minutes… and so I really wanted to emphasize that that warm up is very, very, important.

CMR: And so, dipping into your therapy background a little bit, what would you say to women who find it hard to receive touch- who find it hard to stay present in their body, to enjoy stimulation, and kind of want to rush through sex just to get it over with.

LM: Well I would- and I’ve met with many women who have that feeling that “I just want to get this over with and I need to rush through it, I take too long,” and you know what I would find what I often do is sort of a combination of normalizing, providing information, coupled with teaching some skills. So normalizing information that it takes an average woman 20 minutes of vulva and clitoral stimulation to reach an orgasm as much as 45 for some, that is normal. It’s not something to be like, ashamed of or “Oh, I’m taking too long.” So women understand that, but then teaching both mindfulness, which is so important, which is the ability to stay present in one’s body, and sexual communication skills. Those two skills will help a woman relax, enjoy touch, and take the time that she needs to become orgasmic.

CMR: Yes. Yes, and then so after those 20 minutes of full body touch, (we love couples massage as a warm up)

You then go on to lay out all of these options and there’s kind of, pages and pages of options which I was reading in a coffee shop and I was kind of getting delighted by, but one of the things you emphasize is that intercourse doesn’t have to be the punctuation, you can have intercourse first and then move on to other activities, you can do oral sex and finger play first, and then have intercourse. How important is it to- we call it “de-centralized” intercourse in the sex act? Is that a really essential skill for couples for their long term pleasure?

LM: It is absolutely essential and that is really a major point of the book both from the language to those plays you’re talking about which I’m delighted that you enjoyed so much.CMR: Yes.LM: Because they really- we really have like you said, that one cultural script, you know: a little bit of foreplay to get her ready, intercourse, his orgasm, maybe her faked orgasm, sex over. There are so many more ways to play that out that involve intercourse, but don’t make it the main event or that don’t even involve intercourse at all. So I’m really thrilled that you enjoy those plays.

CMR: Gosh it’s just so important I think especially long term relationships because what you enjoy and what your body can do changes, like, I’m just on the other side of a chronic illness and just noticing how much my body changed just from being sick for about a year, and to be resilient in a relationship we have to have that flexibility. As we age, like, there’s so many things that change in our bodies and how we have sex has to be one of them.

LM: Absolutely, well first of all I’m sorry that you’ve dealt with an illness for so long and I wish you healing and recovery.

CMR: Thank you.

LM: Yeah, yeah, I know that’s very hard, but what you say is so important for us cause all of us will be in that place at some point or another… I have a friend who works in the rehab field and says we are all temporarily able bodied-

CMR: Yes.

LM: And that we all have to prepare ourselves for bodily changes and that doesn’t mean that sex- you know, and I’m saying sex broadly, needs to change, but what it requires is an absolute comfort and attunement to your own body, your own needs, and the ability to communicate with your partner and lifelong learning about how your body changes, how your needs change, how your partner’s needs change. So all of that is so important.

CMR: So as we unfurl this as a culture, as women get more Cliterate and start learning how to enjoy orgasms from different kinds of stimulation, there seems to be- and you echoed this in the book so beautifully- that there’s still a strange hierarchy of orgasms- that like, if you have to bring a vibrator into bed it doesn’t count as much or it’s lesser than and that this kind of simultaneous orgasm during intercourse is the ultimate Holy Grail of sex.
What do you say to that belief system?

LM: Bullshit basically. (laughs)

And, you know, there is- it’s this crazy hierarchy if you can have an orgasm from thrusting alone at the same time as your partner, as you say, that’s number one. Thrusting alone, number two, even if it’s not at the same time, and then you know, oral sex. Oh, then of course if you can have it with clitoral stimulation plus intercourse together, they call that like, “assisted intercourse” like there’s something wrong with it, you know? That’s the next best and then, “Oh no, those poor women who need direct vulva-clitoral stimulation” you know, and can’t orgasm with intercourse, or some women I talk to say they find the feeling of a penis in their vagina distracting. You know, they really need just complete focus on themselves and that’s of course, you know, they’re down there in the hierarchy and as you say a vibrator- and to me that is just complete and utter hogwash and it is really one of those notions that truly, truly, goes way back to Freud and differentiating clitoral and vaginal orgasms declaring one immature, and it has been holding women up ever since in terms of looking for the “ultimate orgasm” instead of getting to know their own bodies and having orgasms that way their own body works best.

CMR: And so this is a question we get a lot from women: Is there a difference of clitoral orgasms, and vaginal orgasms, and cervical orgasms, and squirting orgasms, and people are always looking for kind of a taxonomy of orgasms. What does the research show us? What is the biology show us- is an orgasm an orgasm, or are they sourced from different nerves?

LM: Well interestingly, and you know I dedicate about three paragraphs to this in the book, but what I’m summarizing is hundreds, and hundreds, and hundreds, of studies in three paragraphs. My answer to that, although, I’d be very interested in your beliefs because you’re you know equally an expert in this, my honest answer is: scientists are still debating. There is one camp that says because the nerves from the vagina and the clitoris go up the spinal cord to the brain by different pathways, and some other reasonings that “yes, these are different,” plus some women say they feel different. There’s other people that are saying, you know, they are not different they’re all clitoral because we should consider the entire network of nerves clitoral. My honest answer is I don’t really see why it matters and I think that that- I mean I think it does matter scientifically and especially medically if you’re trying to help women for example who’ve had spinal cord injuries orgasm, but attention to the question itself is what sets up that hierarchy, and again this is not male bashing, it’s cultural bashing. All this attention is differentiating different types of female orgasms. We don’t talk about for men “well there’s a hand-job orgasm, and a blowjob orgasm and an inner penis, you know, orgasm, and a prostate orgasm,” like there isn’t that attention to this. We really, when we talk about female orgasms we go to this whole difference equals deficit model. Like if there are different ones, then we have to declare one best, so I have a sort of concern with the question itself and the attention it gets in the media.

CMR: Amen. (laughs)

CMR: I wholeheartedly agree and I think again looking at the men and the women together and just looking at the human sexual system what we’ve noticed is that there’s kind of a galaxy of orgasms both in intensity in where you feel them, in how you feel them, and that just becomes a place to play and experiment, and again, if you have a whole repertoire of different ways you can orgasm and climax and enjoy sex, the world opens up and you’re not searching for the Holy Grail you’re bathing in it.

LM: Oh, I love that. I love what you just said that there is a galaxy and you know some feel every orgasm might feel a little bit different and it opens up experimentation and at the same time I would also say if you’re a person who can truly only orgasm with one very unique kind of stimulation, even, you know, no matter how you get that- if it’s this specific vibrator in this specific position if it works every time then that’s OK too. That is A-OK too. However your body works is the best way.

CMR: Yeah. You manage the kind of paradoxes of all of this so well in the book and one thing you really handle well is this idea that orgasms are important but they don’t have to be the goal and that pleasure is really the goal and whatever that looks like too.

Can you talk a little bit about that, like, because I struggle with this too. Orgasms do matter to me, but I don’t want to become so goal-centric. We struggle to have orgasms because the more we try to have them the harder they are to have. It’s a funny loop to get into

LM: It really is especially, you know, that’s why I love the title for you, you’re Pleasure Mechanics, you’re not Orgasm Mechanics. So I think again we’re back to language matters, and it was a paradox I struggled with because so many of my students are so distressed about not being able to orgasm, and so I did want to write this book to provide an analysis of why and solutions, and at the same time anything that puts you in your head when you’re having a sexual encounter rather than in your body, like, “Am I going to come? Am I taking too long to come? My gosh, I gotta come, I gotta come, I gotta come” takes you away from your body and it defeats the purpose, so I do repeatedly say in the book, this is going- I’m doing this to help you orgasm, but any focus on an orgasm in itself is going to be a problem so it is a paradox that we need to just you know, talk about directly, so I’m so glad that you raised that.

CMR: And another thing I love is when you talk about the kind of intercourse we should all be having- meaning conversation.

LM: Mhm, I loved that- when I first learned that the word “intercourse” actually means communication, I was just delighted with that because that is what is so needed and people have been told to be so afraid to talk about sex and have sexual conversations and you cannot solve any problem without conversation or enhance a relationship without conversation and that just extends into sexual conversations.

CMR: And then you point out that sometimes, actually in the sex act in bed is not the best place to have conversations and you give ideas for kitchen table conversations and long drive conversations, I think that’s really brilliant.

LM: Thank you, yes, I mean I do think that some communication needs to happen in the bed like, you know, “softer/harder there” or “I’d like this, would you like this?” but really long, problem-solving, enhancing talks like, “Hey, I have this fantasy, I’m a little scared to tell you, but what do you think?” or “I’d like us to do this differently.” Those should not- those difficult conversations should happen outside of the bedroom using those really sound communication skills that I wish we taught everyone in school just like I wish we taught them about pleasure, but unfortunately we don’t teach enough of either.

CMR: Yeah. And you dedicate a whole section to the book about how to talk well and how to own your own emotions. I love how the kind of therapy part of you and the sex teacher are part of you all came together in this book.

LM: Oh thank you. Yes I really did. I actually have said to people I feel like this book is the climax of my career. (laughs)

CMR: Well we can have multiple orgasms and we can have multiple climaxes.

LM: Exactly. But I think you’re right, I did try to put the person in me that is very engaged in cultural analysis and the therapist and the researcher and the mother- like, this book is, I feel like this book is, for our daughters, you know, so thank you for saying that it means a lot to me.

CMR: If you could just telepathically broadcast one message to the world to change sex culture for the better, what would it be?

LM: Gosh, that is a great question. I only got one message in one sentence. I really should make it count. I would say: Get to know your own body and then learn to express that need to your partner.

And again, there is no “right” way to have sex or whatever your body wants and needs is the right way, and get rid of all those cultural “shoulds” when it comes to what you need for pleasure and orgasm

CMR: Beautiful, beautiful. So definitely check out the book Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters and How to Get it. It belongs on your bedside table. Dr. Laurie Mintz, thank you so much.LM: Thank you so much.CMR: We will link up to your website and to the book on the show notes page over at pleasuremechanics.com and we will bring you back to speak more. We could go on for hours I think!

LM: I do think so too, I so enjoyed this, thank you.CMR: Beautiful.

So I hope you have enjoyed our conversation with Dr. Laurie Mintz about Becoming Cliterate. I’d definitely recommend the book- it was a lot of fun to read and I read a lot of books about sex so that’s saying something. And when you are ready to master the physical skills of Cliteracy, all of the different ways of stimulating the clitoris, the entire vulva, the internal structures of the clitoris, putting it all together for maximum pleasure, definitely check out our Foreplay Mastery Course. The video guides on how to touch the female sexual system. It’s just one cornerstone of that course. We also share all of our favorite techniques for touching the penis and the male sexual system and having the skills of fingering and hand jobs definitely opens up a huge range of fulfilling, satisfying, highly orgasmic, pleasurable, ways to touch one another so you don’t become as reliant on intercourse, and so intercourse can become much more orgasmic when you do want to have it. Check out the course at pleasuremechanics.com and to celebrate this episode and to help you all become more Cliterate, and penis literate, (I don’t know what the word for that will be!) We would like to offer you a special discount of 30% off the Foreplay Mastery Course using the promo code “clit.” c-l-i-t. Put that in a check out and you will get 30% off this course and you can start expanding your own sexual horizons by following along with our video guides and listening to the audio guides and taking advantage of the full multimedia resources available to you in that course. It’s our best selling course for a reason. It’s fabulous and phenomenal. I definitely recommend you check it out. Go to pleasuremechanics.com. Check out the Foreplay Mastery Course. Use the code. “clit” c-l-i-t for 30% off discount on this course only, and we will be back with you next week with a new podcast episode. I’m Chris from pleasuremechanics.com wishing you a lifetime of pleasure.
Cheers!

<<End Transcript>>

Manage Your Turn Ons and Turn Offs

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Traditionally, arousal is visualized as a linear progression:

Arousal – Plateau- Orgasm – Resolution

The standard sex advice is that to enjoy sex more, just add more arousal. More lingerie, more candles, more genital stimulation.

But we all know it is not that simple. You can flood your system with arousing input and still not be turned on.

A newer model of arousal is the dual control model. It was developed in the 1990’s at the Kinsey Institute by Erick Janssen and John Bancroft and explored in Emily Nagoski’s book, Come As You Are. We interview Emily Nagoski about the dual control model of arousal (and SO much more!) in podcast episodes 79 and 80.

When you embrace the dual control model of arousal, it puts you in the driver’s seat. You can learn to manage your turn ons and turn offs to create a more arousing erotic experience every time. As Nagoski says, you can learn to “turn on your turn ons and turn off your turn offs!”

Your turn ons are the gas pedal for your arousal. Your turn offs are the inhibitions that slam the brakes on your arousal. Most people focus on adding more gas – but this won’t work if your foot is slammed on the brake!

Both the Sexual Excitation System (the gas) and the Sexual Inhibition System (the brakes) respond to all sensual stimuli, your thoughts, fantasies and emotions. That means essentially EVERYTHING going on in your life will influence how easy or difficult it is to get turned on. Common inhibitions include stress, resent, guilt, shame and everyday distractions like laundry in the corner. Sensitive brake, no matter how strong the accelerator, is strongest predictor of sexual problems of all kinds. Learn what your specific inhibitions are and you can more easily manage them, paving the way for more arousal and a better sexual connection. You can also learn how to avoid “arousal contingency,” a common condition where everything must be “just perfect” before you allow yourself to get aroused. Arousal contingency is a big problem for a lot of people, but it can be overcome with the right mindset.

In this podcast, we share with you the dual control model of arousal and guide you in learning how to manage your sexual experience. Instead of waiting for the perfect moment to arise, you can actively design your life to be more conducive to getting aroused. You can minimize distractions, eliminate active turn offs and add in more of what works for you!

Transcript for Podcast Episode: Manage Your Turn Ons and Turn Offs

Chris Rose (00:01):
Hi, welcome to Speaking of Sex with the Pleasure Mechanics. I’m Chris.

Charlotte Rose (00:05):
I’m Charlotte.

Chris Rose (00:06):
We are the Pleasure Mechanics, and on this podcast we offer expert advice so you can have an amazing sex life. You can find our complete podcast archives at pleasuremechanics.com, where you will also find a wealth of resources for you to optimize your sex life.

Chris Rose (00:23):
Get started for free by going to pleasuremechanics.com/free where you will find our free mini courses. We just added our second free mini course, which is all about the pleasures of backdoor play, if you know what I mean. We have to be a little creative with language to get through the email filter sometimes, but if you like butt sex, anal sex, backdoor play, that free mini course is for you. And we also have one called the Erotic Essentials, which is our best sex advice for you to just jump start your sex life and start down the path towards more pleasure. And those mini courses are delivered free to your inbox. Why not go to pleasure mechanics.com/free and get started tonight?

Chris Rose (01:06):
On today’s episode, we are going to be talking about a really important framework for you to understand your arousal, and debunking some of the myths about arousal that apply to both men and women. And I really find that this framework helps you kind of take charge of your arousal.

Charlotte Rose (01:28):
I believe I’ve heard you talk about it as becoming the architect of your arousal.

Chris Rose (01:32):
Well, if you want to be highfalutin.

Charlotte Rose (01:34):
Which is quite a beautiful phrase. And a beautiful idea. And anytime we can have a little bit more say or control, because we all like control to some extent.

Chris Rose (01:45):
Wow.

Charlotte Rose (01:47):
We can enjoy sex, we can design it and play with it more. And there’s just more room for fun.

Chris Rose (01:53):
Traditionally we imagine arousal as this linear path, where you get turned on by something and then you get more excited and then you build arousal, you have an orgasm, and then there’s this decline. And we’ve all seen the arousal charts. And a lot of people think of this is how sex works, for both men and women. And maybe women have a longer plateau stage. Traditionally, this is called the arousal plateau orgasm model. But it turns out that this isn’t necessarily true.

Charlotte Rose (02:25):
I don’t know if everyone has seen that model. Do you want to just describe what it looks like or do you think you’ve just explained it?

Chris Rose (02:31):
Well, the chart that kind of looks like a little mountain peak where you get turned on and then you climb towards arousal and you plateau a little bit and it’s kind of flat and then you spike towards orgasm and then it drops off.

Charlotte Rose (02:44):
Yeah.

Chris Rose (02:45):
And if you were playing with edging, it might be you climb, you plateau, you climb, you plateau, you climb, you plateau. And it’s a useful chart to think about getting turned on. But what it doesn’t account for is turnoffs.

Chris Rose (02:59):
And we want to talk about the dual control model of arousal. And colloquially, I think we think about this as turn-ons and turn-offs, but we don’t really give turn-offs a lot of credit once you’re in the act of sex. You might think of, it really turns me off when someone has bad breath. But maybe that’s a reason I wouldn’t initiate sex with that person or wouldn’t date that person or it’s a real turnoff for me if someone’s arrogant. We kind of think it’s, turnoffs is like things that stop us from-

Charlotte Rose (03:27):
Getting together with people. Yeah.

Chris Rose (03:29):
Getting together with people or being in the mood for sex, maybe. But it turns out that turn ons and turn offs are constantly at play. And as we’re getting aroused, there’s this interplay between things that excite us and things that inhibit us.

Chris Rose (03:46):
And this model was developed in the 1990s at the Kinsey Institute by Eric Johnson and John Bancroft. And then it was explored in Emily Nagoski’s amazing book Come as You Are. And we interviewed Emily Nagoski and she has so much to say that we actually divided into two episodes. So you’ll find that at episode 79 and episode 80, over at pleasuremechanics.com you’ll find our complete podcast archive. And if you look for episode 79 and 80 you’ll find our interview with Emily Nagoski and we talk a little bit about the dual control model there. But we want to dive a little bit further into it now.

Chris Rose (04:25):
So dual control model, the easiest way to think about this is the gas pedal and the brake pedal of your car. As you’re driving along, you naturally use both of these pedals to modulate the speed of your car. It turns out in our bodies, there’s a gas pedal and a brake pedal for our arousal as well. And like in your car, they’re constantly working together to excite you and bring you down, excite you, and bring you down. And so traditionally we think that to have better sex, we just need to add more arousal, we need to add more gas and go faster and get more excited. Things like lingerie, lighting candles, more touch on your genitals, faster touch on your genitals, licking your nipples like, more and more and more.

Chris Rose (05:13):
But as it turns out, you can add lots and lots of gas to your system. But that doesn’t matter if your foot is also slammed on the brake. And the dual control model suggests that most of us and most sexual problems and dysfunctions come from too much pressure on the brake. Too much sexual inhibition. And when I say inhibition here, I don’t want you to think of feeling shy or feeling prudish, which is often how we think, “You’re so inhibited.”

Chris Rose (05:44):
Sexual inhibition here is a scientific term used to indicate anything that puts pressure on your brake pedal, anything that stops your nervous system from firing your arousal system. And so each of these systems, the sexual excitation system, your gas, and the sexual inhibition system, your brakes, respond to all of your senses. Touch, taste, smell, sight. What am I missing? Touch, taste, smell, sight and sound. And also your thoughts and imagination.

Charlotte Rose (06:23):
And emotions.

Chris Rose (06:25):
And emotions. All of those things are constantly at play and your brain is interpreting any signal as either something that’s exciting you and bringing you further into arousal, or something that’s inhibiting you and tamping that down. And so it’s constantly a little bit of gas, a little bit of brake, a little bit of gas, a little bit of break. And it turns out the interplay between these systems is what creates your overall arousal experience.

Chris Rose (06:50):
And so most of us don’t need just more gas, more gas, more gas. We need to become mindful and aware of and in control of the things that put the brakes on our arousal.

Charlotte Rose (07:01):
And that is extremely important and extremely particular and specific for each of us. And there’s real power in exploring for yourself what turns you off, what gets in the way of you feeling arousal. And if you really take some time to reflect on this, you might find some answers and then you can do something about it, either in either just internally or practically in your life.

Chris Rose (07:27):
Let’s explore some of these things. We all kind of understand what excitations might be. Your partner looks hot in those tight jeans.

Charlotte Rose (07:36):
We talked about lingerie, we talked about some people will have visual stimulation, getting the mood right with the right music, the right lighting.

Chris Rose (07:45):
And then of course touch.

Charlotte Rose (07:47):
The right kind of touch.

Chris Rose (07:48):
Yes. The skilled, amazing, confident touch you’ve learned from your Pleasure Mechanics courses.

Chris Rose (07:56):
There’s all of those things that arouse you. What are some of the things that might put the brakes on your arousal?

Charlotte Rose (08:02):
Well, I know for myself, yes, my mother or my daughter being within a one mile radius of where I’m trying to have sex.

Chris Rose (08:10):
Yes.

Charlotte Rose (08:10):
I have learned.

Chris Rose (08:10):
We’ve tried to be intimate with them going on a walk by our house and-

Charlotte Rose (08:14):
I just can’t do it now. Even, my mom used to live down the hill, a few hundred feet away. And that was not far enough for my psychic space to relax. And this is a very, she moved a few miles away now and I feel like I have more space to really think about myself as an erotic being.

Chris Rose (08:31):
Yeah.

Charlotte Rose (08:32):
And that is a very practical and very strange psychic thing.

Chris Rose (08:35):
Well it’s not that strange, because if you think about it, the sexual inhibition system is there for a reason. It’s there to prevent us from getting turned on where it’s not socially appropriate.

Charlotte Rose (08:44):
Yeah.

Chris Rose (08:45):
So the presence of family members for most people is a strong inhibitor. And just the possibility that they might walk in is a strong inhibitor. So that makes sense.

Charlotte Rose (08:55):
And I think that’s a really important thing for mothers and families to figure out. How much space do you need from your children to be able to feel like a sexual erotic being, separate from being a mother or a daughter?

Chris Rose (09:07):
And that might be different for different people.

Charlotte Rose (09:09):
Absolutely.

Chris Rose (09:09):
Some people it’s just being in a different room. Some people want a lock on the door.

Charlotte Rose (09:13):
[crosstalk 00:00:09:13].

Chris Rose (09:14):
Okay, so other turnoffs? Let’s get personal. Bad smells for me really will do it. Can’t cook fish in the house if we want to get turned on.

Charlotte Rose (09:24):
I really prefer to have sex after a shower. I don’t feel like body smells are bad or wrong or any of that, but I just feel like I can relax more freely.

Chris Rose (09:33):
I think it’s more about hygiene.

Charlotte Rose (09:34):
Yeah.

Chris Rose (09:35):
It’s not really about funky smells, it’s bacteria.

Charlotte Rose (09:37):
I just like, I can relax a lot more and that inhibition is just not there.

Chris Rose (09:43):
Especially for people who like butt touch, knowing their butts are clean and there’s no poo that might be hanging out or a little piece of toilet paper, that was a huge inhibition.

Chris Rose (09:53):
For other people, it’s just stress. Mental to do lists like, “I didn’t pay the electricity bill and I think it’s due tomorrow and am I going to get an overdraft?” Those kinds of mental chatter can be a huge big foot on the brakes for your arousal. For other people it’s like clutter in the room or laundry in the corner. It’s a no go.

Chris Rose (10:15):
So are you getting the idea here? It’s all of these things that distract us, pull us away or actively turn us off sexually. You might love the way your partner smells, but a certain kind of smell, not so much. For each sensory experience there’s pluses and minuses. Gas and brakes.

Charlotte Rose (10:34):
Certain kinds of music can really be a turn off. Certain kind of music can be a real turn on. And this is like an exploration, but sometimes a song will come on in a playlist.

Chris Rose (10:45):
Yeah. Recently we were listening to a playlist and it was good and we were vibing with it. It was great. And then this one song came on, I was like, I feel like a Disney princess.

Charlotte Rose (10:52):
Yeah. We were both like just not in the mood.

Chris Rose (10:54):
No.

Charlotte Rose (10:54):
We were like, all right, we’re done now. And that was valuable information. We won’t be using that playlist again. And it’s so particular.

Chris Rose (11:02):
And so with all of this information, the task here, your homework is to really think about your own erotic experiences and start thinking for yourself and cataloging all of your things that are turned on, all of your excitations, all of the things you can purposefully add in to add more gas to your experience.

Chris Rose (11:26):
And then more importantly, what are all the things that might take you away from the experience? What are all your turnoffs? What puts the brakes on your experience? And I didn’t mention, for some people trauma, past experiences, grief, there are these bigger forces that can be like a handbrake. That it’s not just tapping on the brakes, it’s your parking brake is engaged and that takes a longer time to really work on and ease the pressure off of that.

Chris Rose (11:54):
And so not all of these things can be directly instantaneously managed, but some of them can. And that’s what’s so important because all of the pressure you take off your brakes allows that gas to work better. We’ve heard from so many couples who they’re pouring gas on the fire. I keep wanting to use like gas on the fire, but we’re talking about gas in a car but same.

Charlotte Rose (12:15):
Fuel on a fire, yes.

Chris Rose (12:16):
They’re putting more and more arousal, more and more excitation, and they’re not understanding why they’re not getting further and they’re not getting to orgasm. They’re not getting as excited as they used to and they’re not thinking about this whole category of things that are inhibitors, things that are turning them off, things that are just bringing them down a little bit. This can be medical, this can be life situations, it can be financial. All of these things that add up in life have an effect every time we try to get turned on.

Charlotte Rose (12:45):
And that’s kind of annoying. I wish every time we entered the erotic zone, we were just like blank slates that just could be filled with arousal and it was all simple and just a matter of stroking the right part of your body and bam, we’re there. We’re not that easy.

Chris Rose (13:01):
Yeah. And that’s a blessing too. We’re complicated erotic beings, but part of that is managing the things that inhibit your arousal system.

Chris Rose (13:13):
If you know laundry in the corner is going to distract you, you need to take some time, prepare for sex, or rearrange your house so the hampers not in your bedroom.

Chris Rose (13:23):
And a lot of people could work on their bedrooms as more erotic zones and we maybe should do an episode about that because having the TV on with the news certainly isn’t going to be conducive for wanting to make love that night. How do you create the space, manage all of those sensory inputs to optimize for your sexual experience?

Chris Rose (13:44):
And you’re two people, probably, maybe three, I don’t know. But most people are two people in the sexual experience. And so if she is really into soft feminine colors and frilly things and scented candles, he might find that a turn off.

Chris Rose (14:02):
You need to collaborate on this. I think a lot of people go too far in feminizing the bedroom and then wonder why the guy can’t get a lot of mojo up. Maybe they need a little bit more of a powerful masculine space. And that’s totally gendered. I know. But my point is that it takes two, and so you have to negotiate and make sure that that sensory input is meeting as many of your mutual needs as possible.

Charlotte Rose (14:28):
Yeah. And that we have to be erotic detectives and architects and have those conversations to design something like a space and a time that is conducive to both of you getting it on.

Chris Rose (14:43):
Right. The architect thing is more, it’s about more than just your space. It’s also about designing your erotic experiences. And so you think about if you set a date night, if you know the kids are out of the house on the weekend, or if you know on Thursday nights we have a little bit more time together because of our schedules, you want to start designing your lifestyle to make it more conducive that you’ll be in the erotic zone.

Chris Rose (15:09):
And so this is, yes, about managing all the physical things, but it’s also about managing your physical energy and your mindset. And so if you know for yourself that you’ve been stressed out that week, maybe you want to take some time and decompress, go to a yoga class, take a bath, go on a walk with your friend and chat it all out. Then, when you’re with your partner, you don’t feel like you have to vent about your annoying boss. You can be present.

Chris Rose (15:34):
When we talk about being an architect of your own arousal, it’s taking into account all of these factors and it’s almost like laying it all out on the table and being like, all right, what can I manage?

Charlotte Rose (15:46):
Manage, yeah.

Chris Rose (15:47):
What’s out of my control? Okay, there’s going to be some pressure on the brake, but that’s okay. This isn’t a fragile thing. You don’t have to get all of the inhibitions out of the way. Your body can overcome some inhibition, but as many as you can manage, all the better. And then what can I add to the experience? What inputs can I create that will create more excitation?

Chris Rose (16:13):
And you do your best, right? This isn’t another thing to put pressure on your sexual experience. It’s just a way of thinking about it that kind of gives you a little bit more control over all of those factors that may be holding you back in bed that when they go unnamed, it’s kind of like, “Well, why didn’t I enjoy that as much? And my partner put so much effort in and we’re both trying, but it’s just not feeling as good.”

Chris Rose (16:36):
Because if you’re just thinking of it that way, you can start making up problems and thinking that it’s about you and your partner and your dynamic and maybe your relationship is getting boring and sex is never going to be as good as it used to we kind of spin out and make it very personal.

Chris Rose (16:52):
But when we think about, okay, so I’m stressed out at work, my mother’s sick, my sister’s coming for a visit next week, there’s laundry piling up.

Charlotte Rose (17:01):
There’s a bit of debt.

Chris Rose (17:03):
My house smells like fish. Some of those things can be managed, and some can’t. And when you name things specifically and recognize that all of these factors have an impact on your arousal in each moment, you can start being in charge a little bit more, in the driver’s seat, if you will.

Charlotte Rose (17:27):
Yeah, I mean it’s amazing that we ever manage to be turned on at all with the complications of life, but it’s about trying to carve out space and get ourselves in the mood and understand that we are flawed, complicated beings. We do not need everything to be perfect by any stretch, but we are going for good enough and connecting from that place.

Chris Rose (17:51):
And some people react to these strategies like, “It makes sex so clinical and you shouldn’t have to think about it so much and shouldn’t it just be spontaneous and amazing?” And all of these messages come to us from this romanticized erotic culture where we think that the best sex is spontaneous and in the moment, and you never have to think about it. But that’s just not the way life works for anything and any physical experience. If you want to get fit, you just don’t exercise spontaneously and all of a sudden you are fit and muscular and a star athlete. It’s not how it happens.

Charlotte Rose (18:25):
Yeah. It’s just a myth, and it’s this complicated.

Chris Rose (18:29):
But it’s part of sex negativity, right? It’s like, you shouldn’t have to put any effort into great sex. But if we thought that way about exercise and physical fitness, people lay out their clothes for the gym, pack the gym bag, work it into their schedule, that they’ll get to the gym before work, walk home instead of taking the bus.

Charlotte Rose (18:47):
Yeah, you schedule it.

Chris Rose (18:47):
They manage their diet-

Charlotte Rose (18:49):
[crosstalk 00:00:18:48].

Chris Rose (18:49):
You put all this effort into it, if you want results. And you have to be willing to put a little bit of effort into your sex life, and a little bit of thought and planning and get to know yourself, what works for you specifically, if you want to see results and have a better sex life. And yeah.

Charlotte Rose (19:08):
I think that’s useful.

Chris Rose (19:09):
This is one of the great tools for doing that is getting to know yourself and what are your accelerators and what are your breaks?

Charlotte Rose (19:17):
I also want to mention that we did, I thought a pretty great episode on distractions. So there’s some overlap here, and that was episode number 54. And we talked a lot about preparing for sex more mentally and some of the strategies around that. I think that’s a useful pairing to this podcast.

Chris Rose (19:37):
As I said before, in all of the studies they’ve done with this framework, they found that a sensitive brake pedal, no matter how strong your accelerator, is the strongest predictor of sexual problems of all kinds.

Chris Rose (19:52):
You can be someone who gets really turned on. But if you have also a sensitive brake pedal, if there’s a lot of things that inhibit you, that’s the strongest predictor that you’re going to have an unhappy sex life. And so this is really important that we start managing our brake pedals, so to speak.

Chris Rose (20:10):
And these studies also found that one of the patterns is what they call arousal contingency. This idea that everything has to be just right for you to get turned on. There have to be fresh flowers in the room and the room has to smell like fresh daisies, do daisies smell? Like lavender, and the lighting has to be just right and everything has to be just so before I get turned on. And this is a kind of preciousness that if you get too attached to it, can really inhibit your sex life. And it puts a lot of pressure on you to create all those conditions.

Chris Rose (20:46):
And so as we tell you to manage your brake pedal, it’s not necessarily about making everything just so and just perfect and it has to be this precious, perfect, fragile thing. It’s more about identifying these things and managing them so you can forget about them.

Charlotte Rose (21:09):
And there’s no shame in having all of these things that you would like to have taken care of.

Chris Rose (21:16):
No, but there’s the balance there. This arousal contingency, a lot of the studies say that that is one of the biggest things that is creating sexual dysfunction and sexual unhappiness. And so you can go too far with trying to manage everything. I think it’s this idea of, I don’t know, it’s, I want to encourage people to take their brakes seriously and try to put effort into creating the conditions for great sex.

Chris Rose (21:47):
But at the same time, you have to also understand that it doesn’t have to be fragile.

Charlotte Rose (21:53):
It doesn’t have to be perfect.

Chris Rose (21:55):
Yeah. For me, like the smell thing, I used to just be so strongly identified with that, that I was like, “You can never cook fish in the house because it just disgusts me for days.” And now it’s kind of like, “Well, you really like fish and I know it’s going to be a little unpleasant for me, but if I know that I can kind of manage it a little better. So go ahead and cook fish a couple of times a week.” But it’s just like I can manage it better having identified it, and then let it go a little bit.

Chris Rose (22:22):
Or if you take that laundry and shove it in the closet, the laundry is still there and you can fixate on it if you want to and be like, “Well, the laundry didn’t get done today, so there’s no way I’m going to get turned on.”

Chris Rose (22:34):
Or you can shove it in the closet and be like, “I’m going to take care of you later.”

Charlotte Rose (22:38):
I’m just not going to think about you right now.

Chris Rose (22:40):
Yeah.

Charlotte Rose (22:40):
I see.

Chris Rose (22:42):
There’s this way of managing things to try to get them off your mind instead of making the, giving them more power. So by managing them, you give them less weight in your erotic experience rather than more.

Charlotte Rose (22:57):
And then you choose, you can choose to manage what you can manage and then choose to focus on allowing the arousal to build and to pay attention to them and to let them grow in your body and mind.

Chris Rose (23:10):
And this is even, I’m going to go a little bit bigger for a second, when dealing with the big things that can inhibit you like trauma. One of the most useful things for me in my recovery from sexual trauma was acknowledging everything that had happened to me and instead of letting myself fixate on it during a sexual experience with a new person and thinking about it and, “Am I broken?” And it’s like there’s this way it can overcome your mind and it’s actually all you’re thinking about and there’s no way you’re getting turned on from that place.

Chris Rose (23:40):
You can think about it and manage it and then set it aside and choose to be present and actively create a story like “I’m with this person now, I am safe, I am choosing this and consenting to it.” And you change the direction of your mind, you change what you’re focusing on. And so that’s another way of taking the pressure off the brake pedals. I’m not going to focus on the laundry, I’m not going to focus on the trauma. I’m going to focus on my lover’s face, because that’s an excitation.

Chris Rose (24:09):
I’m going to focus on his smell because I really love the way his armpits smell right now. And so you’re putting more focus of your attention on things that are giving you gas. Partly it’s also about mindset and training your mind to focus on the gas instead of the brakes.

Charlotte Rose (24:25):
You’re directing your neural pathways.

Chris Rose (24:28):
Okay. I think we’ve given you enough. I would love to hear from you about if this framework is useful to you and what are some of the things that you can manage to give yourself more gas and less breaks in your arousal system?

Chris Rose (24:42):
Come on over to pleasuremechanics.com and be in touch with us, and remember to go to pleasuremechanics.com/free for our free ever-growing collection of free mini courses where we deliver our best advice straight to your inbox. And you can get started tonight, changing your sex life.

Chris Rose (25:01):
And if you’re ready to go beyond the free mini courses, check out our premium online multimedia erotic mastery courses where we guide you stroke by stroke in mastering new erotic skills. Everything from couples massage to foreplay to spanking and much more. You can check them out at pleasuremechanics.com and use the code speaking of sex for 20% off the course of your choice.

Chris Rose (25:27):
I’m Chris.

Charlotte Rose (25:28):
And I’m Charlotte.

Chris Rose (25:29):
We are the Pleasure Mechanics.

Charlotte Rose (25:30):
Wishing you a lifetime of pleasure.