What turns you on? What REALLY turns you on?
We all have a unique constellation of things that arouse us – some expected and some very surprising. If we can let go of shame and cultural baggage around our arousal patterns, we are freed up to be much more authentic and have way more fun in bed.
In this episode, we explore the vast galaxy of sexual fetishes to reveal we all have something that is strangely erotic, and embracing our fetishes is key to having a fun, playful sex life.
A fetish is any object or situation that creates a spike of arousal for you. No one knows why people develop particular fetishes. It is not because of childhood events, nor is it a disorder of any kind. Fetishes are just a quirk of human sexuality. Some of us develop very strong arousal patterns to things that may or may not be arousing at all to other people.
People often want to know where fetishes come from. No one knows the answer to this question. Some report childhood incidents of highly charged emotions, but others have no idea where their fetish got started. Why do we need to know? Does it help alleviate shame? Perhaps it is more fun to revel in the mystery and quirkiness of fetishes.
Kinky sex can involve fetishes, but if you don’t have a fetish there is no need to seek one out. Rather, you can let yourself be curious about the world of fetishes and be open to unexpected turn-ons.
If, however, you have a fetish that you fantasize about but have never experienced with your partner, it is worth talking about it and exploring the possibility of integrating your fetish(es) into your sex play together.
Here are just a few of the infinite array of fetishes:
- Body parts – feet, ears, hair
- Textiles and Clothing – Latex, Leather, Stockings, Silk Underwear
- Body Fluids and Functions – Menstrual blood, Urine, Spit, Sweat
- Animal accessories – Dog leashes, Horse saddles
- Furry Costumes or Mascot Costumes
- Jewelry, Body Modifications
Now, take a deep breath. We’re going to ask you to disclose one or more fetishes to one another. Remember all that we learned about non-judgemental communication. Just because one of you is interested in a particular fetish doesn’t mean you have to explore it together. Instead, think of it as a potential ingredient in your sexual pantry. Some ingredients, like sugar and flour, you may reach for frequently. Others are specialty ingredients that you may only use once a year. If one of you is interested and the other is turned off by the idea, it can be part of your fantasy life alone.
Ok, now one at a time, reveal something in your “interested ” or “very interested” list. Then give your partner time to respond. You may not know WHY you find something sexy. This is part of something being a fetish – it is hard to know why it turns you on! Instead, ask the following questions:
* Is there a specific way you’d like to explore this fetish?
* How do you see this fitting into our sex life? (Many people worry that it will have to be part of sex every time and thus they’ll lose the sex they know and love)
* What kinds of fantasies do you have about this fetish?
* If your partner is turned off by this fetish, is there any version of it they would be open to exploring?
For example, if he reveals that he has a foot fetish (one of the most common fetishes) your conversation can explore exactly how you want to play with it. Here are some varieties of how this might go:
* I get really turned on when you wear high heels, would you consider wearing them more often while we have sex?
* Are you open to having your feet touched during sex?
* You can touch my feet, but I don’t know how I feel about toe sucking. Can we start with a foot massage and see how it feels to make that part of our play?
* I really want to submit to you, while you are wearing boots, and want you to order me to lick your shoes and grovel at your feet. Then I want you to step on my chest while ordering me to jerk off for you
* I love seeing your feet while we fuck. Can we explore positions where you put your feet up on my chest so I can look at them, touch them and kiss your toes while fucking you?
Ultimately, getting honest about your fetishes and erotic preferences will help you have a more joyful, fulfilling sex life. If you are ready to dive in an explore kinky sex, check out our Kinky Sex Mastery Online Course.