Pleasure Mechanics

Jealousy, Arousal and Anxiety

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Sexual jealousy has a big impact on arousal and erection. For some people, sexual jealousy can be a huge turn-on, and these people can harness jealousy and turn it into arousal. Other people feel jealousy as anger and can get dangerously violent when they feel jealous. Some people get anxious and ashamed when they experience jealousy and these feelings shut down arousal and erection.

All of these experiences – sexual arousal, anger and anxiety are all upregulations of the nervous system, interpreted in different ways by different individuals.

In this podcast episode, we share what you need to know about sexual jealousy and how it can impact your arousal and erections. If you’ve ever been burdened by sexual jealousy, this episode will reveal new strategies you can use to either overcome jealousy or harness it and make it work for you!

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Here is the email from a listener that inspired this episode:

I want to start off by sharing my experiences if arousal panic, which I have because of jealousy. Me and my girlfriend got together because she slept with somebody else. It was only then that I realized that she means much more to me than just the casual sex we had before, and I fought for her.

Sometimes during or before sex I get flashbacks to that moment and it feels so intense, imagining that she not only slept with somebody but possibly enjoyed it. That the way she moans or breathes or moves her hips, she did for somebody else.

We were not together, and I even ignorantly of my own yet unknown feelings encouraged her to explore others. So she did nothing wrong, but thinking of this I cannot relax. And not being able to relax and let yourself go is a death sentence for maintaining or achieving an erection.

What I did as a solution was very very hard and took a lot of jumping over an abyss of insecurity, when I just told her plainly what I felt.

Now, when I get into that state, I try focusing on her and why I love her and want to make love to her. She of course notices and she tells me she loves only me, and wants Me. Then, I start to feel safe again and our sex is great.

The solution is therefore not centered on myself, but on us. After all, we do this together. Opening up to her, brought us closer together, and the sex became even more intimate and believe it or not – wild.

This I wanted to share, in the hope of encouraging men to tell their partners about their anxieties. It is a strength.

Harnessing Jealousy As Erotic Fuel

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Jealousy is a natural emotion, part of the great human drama of eroticism and sexuality. Everyone gets jealous – so the question becomes how to harness jealousy instead of allowing it to harm you and your relationship.

This episode continues our discussion inspired by Esther Perel’s new book State of Affairs.

For a bonus resource to help you explore jealousy, join our Patreon community at patreon.com/pleasuremechanics or by clicking here.

Jealousy is usually understood as a normal part of monogamy. If we think being in a relationship means owning our partner’s sexuality, anytime their attention or interest strays it can feel like a betrayal. Jealousy can be toxic, leading to arguments, fights and even violence. 

But when is jealousy useful? When can it be a guidepost about what you desire, what you want more of, what you cherish and want to protect? 

If you get honest with your jealousy, it can be a powerful tool to steer your growth, help you invest more in your relationship and even – for some people – become a powerful turn on.

 

In her new book State of Affairs, Esther Perel writes “The green-eyed monster taunts us at our most defenseless and puts us directly in touch with our insecurities, our fear of loss and our lack of self-worth.” 

If you start noticing when you feel jealous, you can discover where you feel the most vulnerable. Then you can strengthen your sense of security in these areas or ask your partner for reassurance.

Esther also notes that jealousy “may in fact be the last glowing ember of eros in an otherwise burned-out relationship – and therefore, it is also the means of relighting the fire.”

Click here to get a copy of Esther Perel’s State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

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Sexual Jealousy & Erotic Compersion

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Sexual Jealousy

Jealousy is a natural emotion that all humans experience. Yet we tend to fight jealousy and allow it to destroy our confidence rather than work with it. In this podcast, we explore how to transform your relationship to jealousy and make it work for, not against, you.

We explore the four primary sources of jealousy:

  • Possessiveness
  • Feelings of Lack or Deprivation
  • Envy
  • Fear of Change

In this podcast you’ll find advice on how to change your relationship to jealousy and let it be your teacher. You can use jealousy to figure out what you want and need in life, and let it motivate you to ask for what you want from your lover. Jealousy can also be used as a tool for improving self esteem and confidence. Tune in to find out how!

We also cover the opposite of jealousy: compersion. Compersion means finding joy in your partner’s happiness and fulfillment, even if you are not the source of that happiness. We dare you to experiment with making room for erotic compersion and emotional compersion in order to allow your lover more room for growth and fulfillment.

This episode challenges everything you think you know about sexual jealousy and invites you into a new framework for thinking about jealousy. Don’t miss it!

Update!!

One listener wrote in and asked about the link between expressing jealousy and infidelity. Here is one research abstract that indicates there may be a link. What do you think? If a partner expresses jealousy or insecurity, are you more likely to cheat? Be in touch and let us know your thoughts