podcast — Page 38 — Pleasure Mechanics

Sexual Fluidity

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Sexual Fluidity :: Free Podcast Episode

Sexuality is fluid. This means that your desires, attractions and needs change over time. It also means that your sexual identity can change in relationship to others. You may feel submissive, yielding and soft when partnered with one person while another lover might bring out your fierce, dominant side.

When we recognize sexuality as fluid it frees us to be authentic with our true desires and sexual expression. Freed from a fixed identity, we can constantly check in and see what our eroticism wants to express in this given moment. It also allows us to acknowledge the incredible variety of attractions to other humans. Attraction goes way beyond simple sexual longing. Attraction can be purely intellectual, or deeply spiritual. If we open up to the many kinds of attraction we feel, we can connect with others and create relationships and friendships that are deeply fulfilling.

Developmental psychologist Lisa Diamond has studied sexual fluidity when it comes to sexual orientation. The idea that sexual orientation can change over the years is just one element of sexual fluidity, but it is a great starting point for understanding that sexuality is not fixed but rather changeable, for both men and women.

In her long term study, Lisa Diamond followed 100 women for over 10 years. About two-thirds of these women changed their sexual orientation label at least once during the 10 year study, in all possible directions. Another 10 year study found that about half of men with a bisexual identity changed their orientation identity at least once.

Think back on your own sexuality. Has it changed since puberty? Have you ever experienced attraction outside your typical “type”? Think beyond gender and get curious about your desires, attractions and sexual needs over the years. Most people experience lots of change over the years.

What changes when you think of your sexuality as fluid? If you give yourself permission to grow and change over the years – even if you are in a long term relationship? Let the idea of sexual fluidity set you free from any box you’ve put yourself in and see what happens!

This episode features an excerpt from The Psychology of Human Sexuality by Justin Lehmiller. Check out his blog here.

Swinging and Ethical Non-Monogamy with Cooper Beckett

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Curious about swinging? Interested in exploring ethical non-monogamy or polyamory? Fascinated by alternative sexual lifestyles? This is a not to be missed episode where we dive deep into the topics of swinging and non-monogamy with our special guest, Cooper Beckett.

Cooper is the founder of LifeontheSwingset.com & host of its swinging & polyamory podcast. He speaks and teaches classes on pegging, swinging, polyamory, play parties, and non-monogamy. He has written two books. My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory & a new novel about swinging, A Life Less Monogamous. Use the code “pleasure” to get 10% off the new book!

You can get his book My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory as a FREE audiobook on Audible.com with your free trial membership. Click here for your FREE audio book!

In this podcast episode (hit the play button at the top of this page to listen!) we cover:

the difference between swinging, ethical non-monogamy and polyamory
the first steps towards exploring swinging (without taking off your clothing!)
conversations to have with your partner if you are interested in ethical non-monogamy
how to find your local swinging community
safety while swinging
the difference between “full swap” and “soft swap”
Cooper’s new novel “A Life Less Monogamous“

How To Fall Deeper In Love

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Ready to fall deeper in love? Here is a simple process that promises profound results.

Scientists have succeeded in making two strangers fall in love in a lab by getting them to do this process. So what happens if you are already in a relationship and you do this practice? Would it help you fall deeper in love?

The process is simple: Answer 36 questions in about an hour. Then set a timer and look into each other’s eyes for 4 minutes. Then see how you both feel.

Here’s a little background information on the research behind this practice:

In Mandy Len Catron’s New York Times Modern Love essay, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” she refers to a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) that explores whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific series of personal questions. The 36 questions in the study are broken up into three sets, with each set intended to be more probing than the previous one.

“The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study’s authors, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.” Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.”

Some of the questions are:

What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

The 36 questions are designed to increase in levels of personal disclosure and thus intimacy as they progress.

We often forget to look at our partners anew, forget that we don’t know everything about them, even if we have been together for decades. When we remember that fact and choose to get intimate with each other’s minds and intentionally create vulnerability together, intimacy happens. From there, love can be present. The act of sharing information with your lover that you don’t often tell other people and discovering something new about yourself and each other can be fascinating and novel, which can create a new experience of intimacy and potentially love between you. Also, really paying attention to each other is intoxicating.

We dare you to create a Date Night around this, pour each other a glass of wine and take an hour or so and see what happens.

Find the “36 questions in love” here or as an app here

Epic Sex : How To Have It

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You don’t have to settle for a generic or mediocre Valentine’s Day!

Here’s our 10 step plan for an epic Valentine’s Day that meets your specific desires. You can also use this plan to have a romantic date with your lover anytime of the year.

1- A few days or weeks before your date, have a conversation with your partner about what kind of celebration you both want. Do you want it to be sweet and sentimental? Adventurous and exciting? Slow and cozy? Do you want to stay home and be comfortable or go out on the town? Do you have a budget? Is one of you planning the date or are you collaborating on your plans? Are you exchanging gifts? Any other requests or desires that you want to take into consideration while planning the date? The clearer you can get about what you both want and need, the more fulfilling and pleasurable your date will be. Make this planning session a mini-date and enjoy the romance of listening to one another’s needs and desires!

2- Pay attention to what your partner likes! Make your gifts super personal and they will have a much bigger romantic impact. Notice if your partner expresses desires throughout the year and use that information to offer them highly personalized presents. Does your lover like tulips more than roses? Fill the house with multiple shades of tulips. Or maybe a cactus is more their style? Forget all the scripts and give offerings that match your partner’s personality and personal style. This is far more romantic than ordering a generic gift from a catalog. Personalization makes your partner feel paid attention to, seen, noticed and special.

3- Spend time thinking about what you love and respect about your partner. Why did you choose this specific human to partner with? Once you have tapped into your specific reasons, write them down or speak them out loud during your date night. Be as specific as you can.

4- Know their love languages and respond accordingly. The 5 love languages are physical touch, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and words of affirmation. This is a framework developed by Gary Chapman and is super useful in understanding how we each receive love differently. It is no use buying gifts for someone who would rather receive a handwritten note of affection. Complete the printable assessment and discuss your results with your partner. Knowing your partner’s love languages will serve you for the rest of your relationship. Here is a survey you can do to determine your primary love language!

5- Sex advice veteren Dan Savage offers a piece of great advice every year for Valentine’s Day: Fuck First. All too often, couples make dinner reservations, get dressed up and head out to eat a heavy meal followed by a rich dessert. By the time they get home they are too exhausted for sex! So follow Dan Savage’s advice and make a late reservation (or cook a nice meal at home than can wait for you!) and start the night with naked time. Work up an appetite and by the time you are ready to eat you’ll both be glowing with pleasure and ready to devour your food.

6- To begin your sensual feast in bed, start with massage. Massage is the best way to relax, unwind and start paying attention to pleasure. To master this essential erotic skill, check out the Couples Massage Mastery Online Course. Here are a few quick tips to get started.

Warm the room so you are both comfortable being naked.
Get some almond or coconut oil, throw a few towels down on the bed and enjoy the simple pleasure of slowly stroking one another from head to toe.
Use long slow strokes with relaxed hands.
Throw in a few kisses and a few romantic words and you’ll be well on your way to a deliciously romantic Valentine’s Day.
Learn foot massage for FREE with our mini course – enroll here!

7- Now that you are naked and relaxed, linger in the pleasures of touch and extend foreplay for as long as you can. Slow way down and challenge yourself to touch every inch of your lover’s body with curiosity. Transmit your love through your touch. Tease one another and build anticipation before moving into fully arousing touch. Then move into your favorite kinds of sex – hands, oral, vaginal or anal. Do what brings you both the most pleasure. You may want to have romantic sex, looking at one another in the eye as you climax and whispering words of love. Or, you may want to have rougher, kinkier sex. This is your holiday so do what makes you happy!

8- Once you have fully pleasured one another in bed, it is time to feast. Head out to a restaurant or stay at home. Either way, stay connected through the meal. Here are a few great questions to ask one another to deepen the intimacy of your conversation:

What is one of your favorite memories of our times together?
What did you first notice about me when we met?
What is something you want to experience in bed this coming year?
Who was your first celebrity crush?
If you were given $10,000 and a month to travel, where would you go and what would you do?
Where do you see us in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years?

9- As you eat your meal, pay attention to the sensual experience you are sharing. Describe the foot you are eating – the taste, the mouthfeel, the visual experience of how it is presented. Notice the room, the lighting and the temperature. Hold hands across the table and gently stroke one another’s hands, feel the heat exchange between your palms, notice the shape of your partner’s fingers. Dare yourself to be THAT couple in the room that is so in love with one another and with life that everyone takes notice and smiles at your passion!

10- Finish your evening with a long makeout session. When was the last time you spent a long stretch of time just kissing one another, pressing your bodies into one another, feeling your desire through your clothing? Making out is especially hot when you do it outside or in an unexpected place. Kiss passionately on park bench, up against a city wall, or under a tree. If your make out session inspires another round of making love, great! If not, cuddle up in bed and cherish the feelings of closeness you have generated.

Want more on romance? Check out these podcasts:

Erotic Failure: No Such Thing

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Erotic Failure : No Such Thing

At one point or another, we all feel like a failure in the realm of romance and sex. When relationships end, when our sex life isn’t what we want it to be, when we feel like we’ve let someone down, the crushing feeling of failure can set in.

In this episode, Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön offers soothing wisdom about the true nature of failure. She reveals how failure can be just the opening we need to grow, heal and better understand ourselves.

“Sometimes you experience failed expectations as heartbreak and disappointment, and sometimes you feel rage. Failure or things not working out as you’d hoped doesn’t feel good; that’s for sure. But at the time, maybe instead of doing the habitual thing of labeling yourself a “failure” or a “loser” or thinking there is something wrong with you, you could get curious about what is going on. . . Remember that you never know where something will lead.” ~ Pema Chödrön

This excerpt is from her book Fail, Fail Again, Fail Better. Get this book or another one of her amazing books as a FREE audiobook by clicking here for your free Audible.com trial membership.