Pleasure Mechanics

Break The Rules Together

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Let’s face it: for some of us, some of the time, breaking rules feels good. Transgression creates anticipation, thrill, the rush of “getting away with it” – and for some of us, this excitement is incredible arousing.

For some people, breaking the rules helps us feel free and brings the thrills of new and novel experiences. Breaking the rules helps us relieve the stress and responsibility of daily life. Breaking the rules has an erotic thrill that can’t easily be topped.

Breaking the unspoken rules of monogamy can be the easiest way to get this thrill – but one with huge potential costs. So if you know yourself as a thrill-seeking rulebreaker, it’s time to get intentional and learn how to harness this energy without risking it all.

Here’s how to break an even bigger set of rules – together as a couple – to capture the thrills of transgression while strengthening your relationship.

This episode is part of our book club series inspired by Esther Perel’s new book, The State of Affairs. In the first episode we talked about making explicit monogamy agreements for your relationship. In the second episode we tackled the topic of jealousy. In this episode, we discuss how to transgress boundaries together as a couple, rather than cheating on one another.

If you want to go deeper with these ideas, come on over to patreon.com/pleasuremechanics to join our online community and unlock bonus resources – I am developing interactive worksheets that help you integrate the ideas of this podcast into your love life. You’ll also get an ad free version of this podcast – go to Patreon.com/pleasuremechanics and join in!

In her incredible book, The State of Affairs, Esther Perel discusses what we can learn from infidelity to help us strengthen long term relationships. She writes:

Each of these long standing couples has chosen not to ignore the lure of the forbidden, but rather to subvert its power by inviting it in. Plainly, these tactics strengthen their connection, and when the connection is stronger, they are less likely to cheat. “It would be fun, but it’s not worth it” becomes a voice of the inner boundary. That still does not mean their relationships are “affair proof.” And it is precisely because they know this that they are continuously adding new pages to their love stories.

Our partners do not belong to us; they are only on loan, with an option to renew – or not. Knowing that we can lose them does not have to undermine commitment; rather, it mandates an active engagement that long-term couples often lose. The realization that our loved ones are forever elusive should jolt us out of complacency, in the most positive sense.

The current of aliveness, once awoken, is a force hard to resist. What must be resisted are the dwindling curiosity, the flaccid engagements, the grim resignation, the desiccating routines. Domestic deadness is often a crisis of imagination.

At their peak, affairs rarely lack imagination. Nor do they lack desire, abundance of attention, romance and playfulness. Shared dreams, affection, passion and endless curiosity – all these are natural ingredients found in the adulterous plot. They are also the ingredients of thriving relationships. It is no accident that many of the most erotic couples lift their marital strategies directly from the infidelity playbook ~ Esther Perel, The State of Affairs

Click here to listen to episode 247, where we talk about how to have an affair with your spouse.

Want help in communicating with your partner as you explore your fantasies and desires? Click here to check out the Kinky Sex Mastery course – and get the first date experience for free! 

This episode is sponsored by Cocoon, a new web browser that brings you total safety, security and privacy. Click here for your free download. 

Attraction In Long Term Relationships

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How important is physical attraction in long term relationships? When do you feel most attractive? What attracts you to your partner?

In this podcast, we tackle the sticky topic with compassion and humor. We cover:

  • the many kinds of attraction
  • focusing on looking good vs. feeling good
  • the catch-22 of high heels
  • how being in a long term relationship can redefine the experience of attraction
  • the many seasons and cycles of attraction in a long term relationship
  • simple practices to create a more affectionate, loving and expressive relationship

Attraction of all kinds- physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual – is an essential component of human sexuality. But attraction is a tricky topic to unpack – how do we identify authentic attractions within the murky waters of cultural scripts?

 

Stress Free Travel Tips

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Here’s an encore episode from the archives that is all about stress free travel tips. Learn how to minimize stress so you can get on with having more fun. Summer travel is a perfect opportunity to renew romance and have great vacation sex – but only if you aren’t fighting while on vacation! These communication strategies work well on vacation and in real life – so put them into practice and let go of all the extra stress and fighting. You’ll make more room for pleasure, connection and yes, more frequent sex!

This is an encore of episode #121, Fight Free Travel

The Story Of Us

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Here’s an exercise from couples therapy that activates the power of storytelling to create a happier, more resilient relationship. The Story of Us is a couple’s therapy exercise developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman at the Gottman Institute and is used to create a healthier and more inspiring story about your relationship – as well as to reveal vulnerabilities that may need special attention.

In this episode, we cover:

  • What is “The Story of Us” and why it matter
  • Why couples therapists use “The Story of Us” to reveal couple’s strengths and vulnerabilities
  • How to communicate with more love, generosity and empathy
  • Why stories matter, and how to tell a better story about your relationship
  • How to become the author of your own Story of Us

Here are a few questions to get your conversations started:

  • How did you meet?
  • What drew you to one another?
  • What have you been through together?
  • What are the greatest challenges you have faced together?
  • What are your shared values?
  • Where are you headed in life together?

The story you weave about who you are as a couple plays itself out – you are both writing and acting out the script simultaneously. 

As you become more aware of weaving “The Story of Us” always remember that your story is still being written! Every day is a new moment in your story, as individuals and as a couple. So don’t pretend to know one another too well, as you are both always becoming new people.

As you speak to one another and about your relationship, be on the lookout for the phrases “always” and “never” – these phrases lock us into narrow scripts and can create defensiveness in communication. Instead, acknowledge the patterns and focus on your shared values and intentions as a couple. 

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