sex culture — Pleasure Mechanics

Why You Masturbate The Way You Do : A History Lesson

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Why do so many people struggle with masturbation? Why do so many of us feel a little bit ashamed of solo sex, treating it like a dirty chore rather than a self-love practice that can bring tremendous pleasure and health benefits?

How you masturbate – how much pleasure you give yourself, how creative you are in your solo sex, what parts of your body you allow yourself to touch, how you feel emotionally about masturbation – has everything to do with the past 3000 years of punitive sex culture. We are just barely emerging out of a culture that punished masturbation and forbade sexual pleasure of any kind. We have to take this history seriously before we can fully embrace the sex-positive idea of May as Masturbation Month!

For more about the history of sex culture and how it has influenced your sex life, check out one of my favorite books: Sex and Punishment: Four Thousand Years of Judging Desire by Eric Berkowitz

One of the best selling books in the 1720s: Onania; The Heinous Sin of Self-Pollution, And All its Frightful Consequences, in both Sexes

Hear more about how corn flakes and graham crackers were invented as part of the anti-masturbation crusade

Check out a gallery of anti-masturbation devices here

The “Jugum Penis” anti-masturbation device. Designed to prevent nocturnal erections and masturbation.

Chastity belts for both sexes were marketed as anti-masturbation devices

It’s More Than Bad Sex

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If the Aziz Ansari story shook you, you are not alone. So many of us have had sex that leaves us feeling violated, used and abused. It’s more than bad sex – it’s living in a violent sex culture. For so many of us “bad sex” is a major source of pain, shame and distrust. What counts as “bad sex” is actually coercive, forceful and sometimes abusive. When someone you are on a date with overrides your discomfort, lack of enthusiasm and uses you as a sexual object to enact a sexual script, it can feel incredibly painful and violating.

This kind of sex, that is all too common, is the result of rape culture. It is the result of a culture that doesn’t encourage us all to develop the skills of sexual agency, erotic communication, and sexual confidence. It is the culture that ladens so many of us with shame, guilt, fear and trauma – and then sends us into casual hookups to try our best to have consensual sex. It is the culture that cultivates arousal anxiety – as soon as a sexual situation begins, we rush through it as quickly as possible, trying to get as much as possible before the opportunity is lost. It is the culture where so many of us are suffering in silence. I

It is a culture that is ending.

We are in the middle of creating a new sexual culture – of consent, pleasure and agency. A new culture that allows all to experience sexual authenticity, ease and freedom. Where we pay exquisite attention to our partner and communicate easily. Where we can ask for what we want and create clear boundaries that are respected. Where consent is enthusiastic, active and ongoing. It’s not a pipe dream – it’s the new sex culture that is being actively created – and you can be part of it.

In this episode, we examine the Aziz Ansari date (as it was reported) and think about what went wrong, what patterns we see in the story, and how it could have gone differently. What would a “good sex” date night have looked like? What changes would we need to make where good sex is the norm, not the exception?

We would love to hear from you about this episode or anything else you are thinking about – be in touch with us here.

Articles About The Aziz Ansari “Bad Sex” Date:

“Grace’s” account of her date with Aziz Ansari as told to Babe.net

Lindy West on the history of creating consent culture at NYTimes.com

Thoughts from a consent educator on Vox

Vibrator Nation: The History Of Feminist Sex Stores with Lynn Comella Ph.D.

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Ever wonder how vibrators and sex toys became so popular? How did sex toys find their way into our bedside tables and cultural conversations?

Author Lynn Comella, Ph.D. shares the fascinating history of feminist sex toy stores and their impact on sex culture.

Nowadays, you can find lube at the drugstore and sex toys on Amazon – but we can’t forget that the availability of pleasure products is thanks to the visionaries that led the sex positive movement and created safe spaces for sex positive education and shopping.

The new book Vibrator Nation traces the history and impact of feminist sex toy stores. It traces the history back to feminist pioneers like Dell Williams, who founded Eve’s Garden in New York City in 1974 and Joani Blank, who opened the Good Vibrations retail store in San Francisco in 1977.

These feminist sex toy stores quickly became more than a place to buy vibrators. Sex stores like Good Vibrations and Babeland became the epicenters of sex positive education, community and empowerment.

Tune in to this fascinating conversation and then grab a copy of Vibrator Nation to explore how feminist sex toys stores influenced sex culture for us all.

Check out LynnComella.com for more information about Lynn’s work and book tour dates!

Want to find a feminist sex toy store near you? Check out this map from our friend at RedheadBedhead!

Thanks to our podcast sponsors for making this episode possible:

Check out getcocoon.com/edu for a free download of the cocoon browser, offering you the safest way to browse the internet.

A big welcome to our new sponsor Good Clean Love, who offer amazing organic lubricants and sexual wellness products. Good Clean Love’s lube is the only one we use and we highly recommend their products. Go to GoodCleanLove.com and use the code PLEASURE for 33% off your entire order!

Building Consent Culture with Kitty Stryker

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Without consent, desire cannot flourish ~ Carol Queen

Consent is far more than the absence of “no” – and is a vital social skill in and out of the bedroom. Consent culture is a critical piece of remaking our sex culture to be healthy, happy and pleasurable for us all. Consent culture is about empowering ALL of us to authentically navigate social and sexual situations with our boundaries respected and our dignity maintained.

On today’s episode we talk about building consent culture – and why consent is a vital erotic skill for all of us, even in long term relationships. Joining us is Kitty Stryker. Kitty Stryker is an outspoken writer and activist. Most recently, Kitty was the editor of “ASK: Building Consent Culture” a book featuring the voices of marginalized people on various intersections of consent and daily life.

In this episode (click play at the top of the page to start listening!) we cover:

Working definitions of consent and consent culture
Why consent has to go beyond “no means no”
How to create and give ongoing, enthusiastic and active consent
How systems of power complicate what we can say yes and no to.
The role of consent in long term relationships
How practicing consent in the bedroom can empower you in other parts of your life
How to create more opportunities for consent in your interactions

Content warning – while this episode is focused primarily about consent and how to build a consent culture that benefits us all, we will also briefly touch on sexual abuse and rape – if these subjects upset you I encourage you to listen to this episode at a time when you can get extra support from those you love and trust.

One definition of consent is called FRIES, which was coined by Planned Parenthood.

According to Planned Parenthood, consent must be:

Freely given. Doing something sexual with someone is a decision that should be made without pressure, force, or manipulation, or while drunk or high.
Reversible. Anyone can change their mind about what they want to do, at any time. Even if they’ve done it before or are in the middle of having sex.
Informed. Be honest. For example, if someone says they’ll use a condom and then they don’t, that’s not consent.
Enthusiastic. If someone isn’t excited, or really into it, that’s not consent.
Specific. Saying yes to one thing (like going to the bedroom to make out) doesn’t mean they’ve said yes to others (like oral sex).

It’s not just freedom from rape, freedom from abuse, freedom from fear. It is also “freedom to”—freedom to express desire, to explore pleasure, to seek intimacy and adventure. ~ Laurie Penny

Hookup Culture with Lisa Wade

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Hookup culture is about more than casual sex. Hookup culture is part of today’s sexual landscape and affects all of us, whether or not we are in a relationship or single.
Hookups are casual sexual encounters that are presumed to be one time deals, without emotional attachment or the intention of an ongoing relationship. Hooking up happens in the dorms and frat houses of college campuses, but also in adult bedrooms. Recently, the rise of apps like Tindr make finding hookups easier than ever for adults of all ages. A few clicks and swipes and you can find willing sex partners ready to hook up, no strings attached.
Humans have been having casual sex for all of history – but it has never been as permissible, accessible or desirable as it is today. What are the benefits and costs of a culture that promotes hookups? How do our college institutions and youth culture privilege hookups over relationships, and how does this culture impact different social groups – men and women, white people and people of color, heterosexual and queer, able bodied and disabled? These are important questions to ask as we observe the rise of hookup culture with a critical eye.
Hookup culture is part of the new sexual landscape, a direct product of the sexual revolutions of the past 100 years, and a reflection of the sexual freedom people of all ages now enjoy. Yet hookup culture is not simply a liberating landscape of pleasurable sex – it is also dangerously close to rape culture and leaves an emotional wound for many who participate.
In this episode of the Speaking of Sex podcast, we speak with Lisa Wade, professor of sociology at Occidental College about her new book American Hookup: The New Culture of Sex On Campus.
We cover a brief history of American sex culture, how hookup culture became the norm on campuses, and both the benefits and dangers of hookup culture. We also discuss how cultures change by vocal groups of individuals, and what you can do to change the sex culture around you.

Lisa Wade’s website

American Hookup on Amazon

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