Pleasure Mechanics

Married And Flirting

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Married and Flirting

Is it ok to be attracted to someone else when you are married?

When does flirting become cheating?

We explore how to keep a marriage safe while enjoying being attracted to and flirting with other people!

Learn how to set clear boundaries with your partner to avoid feelings of betrayal. Discover proven strategies for creating a more secure relationship so you can have more trust and confidence with your partner.

Married and flirting? This is a must-listen episode!

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Question::

I’m very happily married, and have a great sex life, but lately I’ve been fantasizing / desiring a close family friend of ours. I would not do anything realistically to break the bond with my wife, but I feel a lot of guilt due to my feelings toward the other woman. Is this a normal thing? I would never (I don’t think…) do anything considered rude behavior to our friend. We tease at times, but it is just considered innocent behavior, and she feels very comfortable around me, and I her. I think I’m just going through some sort of confusing phase in my life. What advice would you propose? I don’t want to hurt anyones feelings, or put anything or anyone in an uncomfortable situation. Matters of the heart can get muddled at times….

Answer:: 

Hey,

Thanks for being in touch.
Being married and flirting can be a tough combination. One misstep and you may end up with a lot of emotional fallout. Being married and flirting should not be mutually exclusive, however! Flirting can be totally innocent and make you feel good about yourself.
First, let us assure you that your feelings are totally normal. Married and flirting? Join the club! Most people, married or otherwise, feel attraction to more than one person. Most of the time flirting is totally harmless and can actually feel great, giving you more confidence and energy to bring back to your wife.
There is a huge difference between Fantasy and Desire – we all can have very active fantasies that do not match our desire for real life experience. For more on this point, read here: http://www.pleasuremechanics.com/fantasy/
Keeping a clear line between fantasy and desire is crucial – just like you can go to a horror movie and enjoy the fantasy of it, but not really want to experience blood and gore in real life, your fantasy life is your own. As long as you have good boundaries!
You may want to do some thinking and explore if there are any desires for real life experiences or sexual needs that are not being met, and then take small steps with your wife to become more fulfilled. Often when we fantasize about another person there is a specific energy or element that excites us (playfulness? feeling desired? danger?) and you can take steps to bring more of that into your actual sex life.
I would also say that it is normal and healthy to have intimate relationships outside of your marriage – close friendships are important! As long as you know where the boundaries are, and can trust yourself to maintain them, you can relax and enjoy the closeness. And the more you communicate and cultivate trust with your wife, the more she can relax and allow you to have intimacy with other people.
You may also want to listen to our podcast episode, How To Prevent Cheating. We explore a lot of the question about how to communicate to create solid boundaries while getting your needs met!
Let me know if you have any follow up questions!
Thanks for being in touch!
Chris

Q&A: How To Be More Confident In Bed

Question:: Hello I was just wondering maybe you could help. I am embarrassed to be talking about this so do forgive me. I just wanted to know is there anyway of finding courage so I could give my boyfriend pleasure as I’m just a coward and he ends up doing everything. I don’t have one bit of a clue what to do I am scared to try if I just mess everything up! Is there any thing I could do to build up confidence so I can take over instead of him, it’s really embarrassing and makes me feel ashamed so please can you help I would be most grateful. thank you.

 

Answer:: Hey there,

Thanks so much for being in touch!
Gaining more confidence in pleasuring your partner will be an amazing experience for you- the opportunity to express love through touch is incredible, and so much of what we do is to allow people to have that experience.
Try to let go of your shame around this – no one was given a manual on how to be a good lover! You are not alone in your struggle to gain more confidence and know how to give more pleasure. The fact that you are ready to learn means you are about to launch into a very pleasurable exploration! And it is very hard to “mess everything up” – just your willingness to try to give him pleasure will be really hot for most people!
Also be sure to ask him how he likes to be touched, what he wants from your sex life. And be willing to tell him the same. The ability to talk about sex openly is a huge skill for couples to develop. Start simple – say something like “for the next ten minutes I want to give you as much pleasure as possible – what do you want me to do to you?” and know you can always negotiate “well i don’t want to do that right now, but what about this?”
Please consider start by learning massage with our video guides – it is a really non-intimidating way to get started and can be an amazing part of intimacy. Then maybe you want to learn how to pleasure him with just your hands? And then of course, let him learn how to pleasure you more fully!
Be in touch if any questions come up along your journey.
All our best,
Chris and Charlotte

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Q&A: How To Last Longer During Massage

Question::

Hi Pleasure Mechanics,

Your books and tapes are great!  Thank you so much for making them.

My girlfriend wanted me to pass along a question. I am 6’1″ and she is 5’1″. It is very easy for me to message her whole body as my hands are relatively large compared to her body, where as her hands are very small compared to mine, and she gets tired pretty quickly. Do you have any advice for how she can conserve her energy and power when she is messaging?

Many thanks!

Ed

Answer::

Hi Ed!

This is a great question, and we’ll try to make a youtube video responding to it, as I am sure it is a common one.
A few things to try right away:
Most importantly, make sure to use body weight rather than muscle to create pressure. Transfer weight into your hands as if you were doing a push-up into your lover’s body. Then maintain this pressure and glide (make sure you are using oil!) Our favorite position for in bed is one knee planted in between the thighs, the other foot just under the armpit. This allows you to transfer your body weight forward.
Two, make sure to use lots of different parts of the hands and arms to massage so no one part gets tired. Since you are a big guy, explore using her forearms to glide over your big muscle groups. Just keep an eye on the elbow, as it is so hard and pointy and can hurt if it bumps into bones. think about gliding into the muscles using the broad part of the arm from wrist to just below the elbow.
Also, make sure she is staying comfortable and not wasting energy in an uncomfortable position. Depending on your bed height, standing or kneeling by the side of the bed might be more comfortable than being in bed with you.
You can also try a massage stone like this one: Contour Stone – it is a smooth tool that helps you dig into points of tension. It can be a nice way to get some satisfying pressure while giving her hands a break.
When all else fails, oil up and rub bodies! The skin to skin contact feels amazing, and it can be a nice transition into other kinds of intimacy.
Do me a favor, once you try these techniques out a few times shoot me an email and let me know what worked best for you!
Cheers,
Chris

Australian Sex Expert Jacqueline Hellyer on New Ways of Thinking About Sex

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Jacqueline Hellyer

Australian sex expert Jacqueline Hellyer joins us to talk about transforming how we think and talk about sex. We cover Jacqueline’s opinions on why so many women are bored by sex, how to enjoy a more wholesome and sustainable sex life and sex as an exhausted parent.

Jacqueline is irreverent, provocative and wonderfully intelligent about sexuality.

Join Jacqueline Hellyer and Charlotte of the Pleasure Mechanics for this candid conversation that will change how you think about sex. Find more from Jacqueline at www.jacquelinehellyer.com