What happens when using porn gets in the way of a good relationship? A listener wrote in wanting to know what to do after catching her boyfriend using porn.
We share an amazing resource that looks at the long term effects of porn on the male brain, including the all too common issue of porn induced erectile dysfunction.
Is watching porn to blame for his inability to be intimate with her? What can be done without demonizing porn itself?
We dive deep to explore this common issue and provide advice and strategies for couples who want to make sure that porn doesn’t get in the way of their sex life!
We would love to hear from YOU about how porn affects your sex life – whether you’ve found that porn has caused you to struggle with erections, you struggle with balancing porn and your relationship or you’ve found a way to use porn in a healthy way, we want to hear from you! Contact us here.
Resources Mentioned In This Episode:
Full text of the letter that inspired this episode:
Question:: Hi ladies,
I’m asking your opinion about something because I trust your advice, and so far the internet has given me mixed answers. The other night I came home early to walk in on my partner (of 2 years) jerking off to porn. This came at sort of a bad time, as I was already feeling like we were in a bit of a rut and was hoping to talk to him about it. That night I was just looking forward to getting home from work and spending time with him, maybe having sex.
What I feel now is hurt, excluded, disappointed, and a little disgusted. I know I’m not supposed to feel any of those things, that porn is something all guys look at at some point in their lives, and I guess many women too. It has never appealed to me; in fact I find it incredibly sexist. My man isn’t sexist about anything else, and usually very vocal about women’s liberation and social equality, so it’s hard for me to reconcile that version of him with the one I saw the other night.
Also I feel like he is spending sexual energy away from me. He says he uses it only as a physical stimulus, to get off when I’ve been busy or unavailable for sex, and that it is completely separate from our relationship. I suspect he is only telling me what he thinks I want to hear, though. And there have been times when I’ve initiated sex and he can’t perform because he’s already masturbated that day.
It’s not the masturbation I have trouble with – I accept that as perfectly normal! It just never occurred to me that there was porn involved. He won’t masturbate in front of me (I’ve asked) and says that masturbation/porn is a very personal time for him. I’m now taking that to mean that he has a sexual (if not emotional) connection with these imaginary women, who he also views as “sexually liberated,” which must mean he thinks I’m not sexually liberated.
This has all been one big emotional mess for me and I would appreciate any advice you have at all. It feels like he’s cheating, even though most sources say it’s not. He thinks its not, because it’s not emotional. Am I completely in the wrong to feel like this? I think my relationship depends on whether I can accept this or not. I’ve said all of this to him, but the conversation just goes around in circles and we can’t seem to reach any mutual understanding. I would like to know what other women think.
Sorry for the long message. Cheers,