Have you ever had trouble letting go of control long enough to have an orgasm with a partner? Here’s how to surrender into orgasm, on your own terms.
Many women, especially those who like being in control of every element of their lives, have trouble letting go enough to get off. Even women who can have orgasms during masturbation sometimes have trouble with orgasms during partnered sex.
Here are our strategies for learning how to get out of your head and into your body so you can fully savor the sensations of arousal and surrender into orgasm.
In this podcast episode, we cover:
- the anatomy of an orgasm
- how “being in control” can block an orgasm
- how to build trust with your partner to have more orgasmic sex
- what elements of kinky sex help you have more orgasms
- how to prepare your body for surrendering into orgasm
Resources mentioned on this episode:
Here is the letter that inspired this episode:
Dear Pleasure Mechanics,
I stumbled on your podcast the other day and am reaching out to see if you can help me with a predicament I have found myself in since the beginning of my sex life.
I am 25 and have always had big difficulties reaching orgasm in the presence of a partner. (During masturbation I am pleased to say I have no problems!) When I began being sexually active beyond basic self-pleasure 8 years ago, I think part of the challenge was that I was unfamiliar with my own body and was shy to ask for what I wanted. However, I have had this issue recurringly, both in more casual encounters as well as in my most recent relationship which lasted 4 years. I had good communication with my partner, and he was very patient and attentive. His persistence however was not enough to bring me to orgasm – it became clear to me that I have a block/fear that I cannot seem to overcome. Naturally this was hugely frustrating for both of us, and led to loss of libido.
In the last 3 years I have really focused on getting to know myself through self-stimulation, I have read up on the matter, had sessions with a psycho-sexual therapist, and done some courses to expand my understanding, always focusing on clearing blocks and worries that I noticed along the way. I have also learned that being intimate does not always need to lead to orgasm, so the importance of this problem has shifted a little bit. Still, I want to be able to work through my block so that I know I can achieve orgasm when I am being intimate with a man. As I don’t have any trauma in my past that could help explain my fear, I am thinking that it may be linked to some of my personality traits outside the bedroom.
Control is an important aspect in my life – and surrender (i.e. giving up control), is something I am not used to. I like being in control of my actions, the results I achieve, my emotions, people’s attitudes towards me. I have even noticed that my assertiveness can often lead to people’s decisions or actions reflecting what they think I would do, or what I would expect, even if I am not intentionally interfering with the situation or outcome. As a result, I am used to being in control, and feel out of my comfort zone when I am not.
Inversely I would say that I feel uncomfortable in surrender mode. However, when I analyse my fantasies I am curious about taking the role of a submissive in a BDSM dynamic (not a hardcore one, but the idea of being restrained, controlled, and/or having to accept what is done to me turns me on). Perhaps I think that here I find a compromise that I can feel more comfortable with – controlled and agreed surrender. But why do I think I need a formal agreement to feel comfortable enough to surrender? And how can I practice surrender with a man, without making it all about reaching climax?
Do you have any advice as to how I can overcome my block of reaching orgasm with a man?
Many thanks in advance and really look forward to hearing from you,
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