cheating — Pleasure Mechanics

Explicit Monogamy Agreements

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What does monogamy mean to you? What counts as cheating and infidelity? Have you ever had a conversation about monogamy with your partner, or do you just assume that you both know what it means?

Assumptions about monogamy can lead to a lot of misunderstanding, emotional drama and even divorce. What defines infidelity is way too important to leave to assumptions and cultural scripts – especially now in the age of technology that allows someone to cheat on their partner while in the same room. Dating apps, online porn, webcam chats, fetish forums and all sorts of other temptations are just a click away. Expecting your partner to know where your boundaries are without ever discussing them is bound to end badly.

Instead of assuming you know what monogamy means to your relationship, have an explicit conversation about monogamy and come up with an explicit monogamy agreement. In this episode, we walk you through that process and discuss why this is an essential conversation for every relationship.

Want a FREE interactive worksheet to guide you in having these essential conversations? Click here to get your free download.

This episode was inspired by The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel. Esther Perel’s new book on infidelity is an excellent and provocative exploration of issues that affect all long term relationships.

Resources To Check Out:

The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel

The New Monogamy: Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity by Tammy Nelson PhD

Esther Perel On Preventing Infidelity

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Esther Perel on Preventing Infidelity: Free Podcast Esther Perel’s second TED talk is just as brilliant as her first. In her latest talk, she tackles the common issue of infidelity.

Challenging culture’s assumptions about cheating is just the beginning. She then goes on to question the very nature of infidelity and proposes that it often isn’t really about sex at all. Perhaps cheating is about seeking the feeling of being more “alive” and “awake.”

In this podcast, Charlotte shares some of her favorite excerpts from Esther Perel’s TED talk on infidelity and then challenges you to adopt certain behaviors and attitudes that may prevent cheating in your life, and are surely going to make you feel more alive!

“So if we can divorce, why do we still have affairs? Now, the typical assumption is that if someone cheats, either there’s something wrong in your relationship or wrong with you. But millions of people can’t all be pathological. The logic goes like this: If you have everything you need at home, then there is no need to go looking elsewhere, assuming that there is such a thing as a perfect marriage that will inoculate us against wanderlust. But what if passion has a finite shelf life? What if there are things that even a good relationship can never provide? If even happy people cheat, what is it about?

Affairs are an act of betrayal, and they are also an expression of longing and loss. At the heart of an affair, you will often find a longing and a yearning for an emotional connection, for novelty, for freedom, for autonomy, for sexual intensity, a wish to recapture lost parts of ourselves or an attempt to bring back vitality in the face of loss and tragedy.

When we seek the gaze of another, it isn’t always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become. And it isn’t so much that we’re looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self.

Now, all over the world, there is one word that people who have affairs always tell me. They feel alive.”

When Is Masturbation Cheating?

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When Is Masturbation Cheating? If you aren’t in the mood for sex with your partner, but still masturbate frequently, does it count as cheating? What does it mean when masturbation is more desirable than sex?

We explore these questions and also give advice on how to stay connected to your lover when going through a stressful time or a dry spell.

How To Prevent Cheating

Worried about your lover cheating? Feeling tempted yourself? Trying to recover your relationship after cheating?

You are not alone!

Cheating is one of the most common reasons that relationships fail. Remember, monogamy is still a new experiment in human history – we are at the cutting edge of figuring out how to maintain passion and fidelity in long term relationships.

Cheating can be prevented! Listen to our podcast episode on How To Prevent Cheating to get started. Then continue your explorations with our episodes on Married and Flirting: Part 1 and Part 2

We are dedicated to helping couples prevent cheating, maintain a hot sex life and open communication, and enjoy the pleasures of a long term relationship. Be in touch and let us know what you are struggling with or ask any questions you may have.

Married And Flirting

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Is it ok to be attracted to someone else when you are married?

When does flirting become cheating?

We explore how to keep a marriage safe while enjoying being attracted to and flirting with other people!

Learn how to set clear boundaries with your partner to avoid feelings of betrayal. Discover proven strategies for creating a more secure relationship so you can have more trust and confidence with your partner.

Married and flirting? This is a must-listen episode!

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Question::

I’m very happily married, and have a great sex life, but lately I’ve been fantasizing / desiring a close family friend of ours. I would not do anything realistically to break the bond with my wife, but I feel a lot of guilt due to my feelings toward the other woman. Is this a normal thing? I would never (I don’t think…) do anything considered rude behavior to our friend. We tease at times, but it is just considered innocent behavior, and she feels very comfortable around me, and I her. I think I’m just going through some sort of confusing phase in my life. What advice would you propose? I don’t want to hurt anyones feelings, or put anything or anyone in an uncomfortable situation. Matters of the heart can get muddled at times….

Answer::

Hey,

Thanks for being in touch.

Being married and flirting can be a tough combination. One misstep and you may end up with a lot of emotional fallout. Being married and flirting should not be mutually exclusive, however! Flirting can be totally innocent and make you feel good about yourself.

First, let us assure you that your feelings are totally normal. Married and flirting? Join the club! Most people, married or otherwise, feel attraction to more than one person. Most of the time flirting is totally harmless and can actually feel great, giving you more confidence and energy to bring back to your wife.

There is a huge difference between Fantasy and Desire – we all can have very active fantasies that do not match our desire for real life experience. For more on this point, read here: http://www.pleasuremechanics.com/fantasy/

Keeping a clear line between fantasy and desire is crucial – just like you can go to a horror movie and enjoy the fantasy of it, but not really want to experience blood and gore in real life, your fantasy life is your own. As long as you have good boundaries!

You may want to do some thinking and explore if there are any desires for real life experiences or sexual needs that are not being met, and then take small steps with your wife to become more fulfilled. Often when we fantasize about another person there is a specific energy or element that excites us (playfulness? feeling desired? danger?) and you can take steps to bring more of that into your actual sex life.

I would also say that it is normal and healthy to have intimate relationships outside of your marriage – close friendships are important! As long as you know where the boundaries are, and can trust yourself to maintain them, you can relax and enjoy the closeness. And the more you communicate and cultivate trust with your wife, the more she can relax and allow you to have intimacy with other people.

You may also want to listen to our podcast episode, How To Prevent Cheating. We explore a lot of the question about how to communicate to create solid boundaries while getting your needs met!

Let me know if you have any follow up questions!

Thanks for being in touch!

Chris