communication — Page 4 — Pleasure Mechanics

The Story Of Us

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Here’s an exercise from couples therapy that activates the power of storytelling to create a happier, more resilient relationship. The Story of Us is a couple’s therapy exercise developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman at the Gottman Institute and is used to create a healthier and more inspiring story about your relationship – as well as to reveal vulnerabilities that may need special attention.

In this episode, we cover:

What is “The Story of Us” and why it matter
Why couples therapists use “The Story of Us” to reveal couple’s strengths and vulnerabilities
How to communicate with more love, generosity and empathy
Why stories matter, and how to tell a better story about your relationship
How to become the author of your own Story of Us

Here are a few questions to get your conversations started:

How did you meet?
What drew you to one another?
What have you been through together?
What are the greatest challenges you have faced together?
What are your shared values?
Where are you headed in life together?

The story you weave about who you are as a couple plays itself out – you are both writing and acting out the script simultaneously.

As you become more aware of weaving “The Story of Us” always remember that your story is still being written! Every day is a new moment in your story, as individuals and as a couple. So don’t pretend to know one another too well, as you are both always becoming new people.

As you speak to one another and about your relationship, be on the lookout for the phrases “always” and “never” – these phrases lock us into narrow scripts and can create defensiveness in communication. Instead, acknowledge the patterns and focus on your shared values and intentions as a couple.

Ready for more? Explore Couples Massage, Erotic Touch and Foreplay in our bestselling online courses!

Sex Out Of Obligation

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Is it ever a good idea to have sex out of obligation? Do you owe your spouse a sex life? What is your obligation to your partner when it comes to sex? We hear variations of this question quite often, and in this podcast we tackle this complicated and emotional issue head on.

Click the play button at the top of this page to listen to this podcast episode on the hazards of having sex out of obligation – and discover the healthy alternative to obligatory intercourse!

Here is the letter that inspired this email. In episode 231 we will discuss what to do when your sexual desire is alive and well, but you don’t want to have sex with your spouse! Be in touch to ask a question or suggest a topic for a future episode by clicking here!

I have a question following your latest podcast on sex initiation/refusal. I have been with the same partner for 15 years, we have two children under the age of 11. Four years ago, I felt like my sex drive was declining to the point where my partner threatened to find sex with someone else, if I kept refusing.
I rarely initiated sex and we were having sex maybe once or twice a month at this point. His threat made me extremely fearful, so I made a real effort to say yes more, even though I really didn’t want to, and we made the agreement that we would prioritise sex once a week, mainly to keep him happy.
Sometimes, I warmed up and found myself enjoying it, and sometimes it just wasn’t happening so I allowed him to have sex with me, even though it did nothing for me. The reason I did this is because if he does not get it, he becomes extremely angry which comes out as him being snappy at me and our two children. I soon realised that if he didn’t get any sex from me, my weekends would be miserable, and felt like it wasn’t worth the hassle of refusing as I was just making matters worse for myself and my children.
Fast forward to today. There are now many more days where I do not enjoy sex. This is not because my partner is selfish or bad in bed, but I feel like I simply do not fancy him anymore. I don’t know if it’s a mixture of resentment that has been built up over the years because I felt threatened that he would leave, but it has now got to the point where, although we are have sex weekly and sometimes twice per week, he is tired of me not enjoying it, and has again threatened to go elsewhere.
This time, however, I have resigned myself to the fact that I cannot continue to be blackmailed in this way and told him that there is nothing I can do if that’s what he wants, and through my tears, told him that he’s right, because he does deserve to have sex with someone who wants to have sex with him, and that I couldn’t help it, but I just wasn’t feeling like it.
However, I have come to realise that, I do feel like it, I just don’t feel like doing it with him anymore. I can’t tell him this, a few years ago I told him I didn’t fancy him anymore, he told me that he wished I never told him that, but I was just trying to be honest, as I felt like I was no longer emotionally connected with him.
I suggested counseling which he refused as he said he didn’t like the thought of telling strangers our problems. I soon ended up taking back that comment I made, saying I didn’t know what got into me and shrugging it off as a phase, partly because I hoped it just was and partly because I realised how much I loved him and I didn’t want to see him hurt, or lose him.
The fact still remains today, that I have no sexual desire towards him, but I do have sexual desire. I fantasise and masturbate often. Throughout my research, I came across many articles about long term married women saying they have no sexual desire anymore and now I wonder if this is all just a myth. Perhaps I have always had desire and never lost it, but I have just realised that I no longer have the desire for him.
I still love my husband very much, he is a great life partner, husband and Father, he takes care of me in many ways, we have many of the same beliefs and values but he travels often with work and when he is home he just wants to sleep or watch t.v and it’s never anything that we can both watch and enjoy together. I am always the instigator of meals out or quality time spent together, but it never feels like enough.
I feel emotionally starved, but when I have discussed this with him, he will take me out for a meal or spend money on me, all of which is lovely, but none of which rekindles my desire or passion for him. He has since apologised for making this comment and said he takes our marriage vows seriously, and doesn’t want anyone else, but now says he thinks our arrangement is unhealthy, which I completely agree with yet he was fine with it 4 years ago! He says that from now on I have to initiate it when I want it. He made an effort to rub my feet and I could see what he wanted so i initiated out if pressure, again, not out of want. He says he thinks no one else will fancy him now anyway which made me feel guilty that perhaps I have ruined his self esteem, but at the same time, question if this a manipulation tactic. He has also mentioned that he has been tempted on business trips before as a lot of his business associates have this kind of lifestyle where they cheat on their wives.
I am at a loss for what to do, and in desperate need of advice. I feel like a part of me is dead inside. Can this be saved? or am I better off finding someone else myself and allowing him to do the same?

How To Initiate Sex

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Initiating sex can be scary, even in long term relationships. Here’s how to initiate (and refuse!) sex with skill and grace.

If initiating sex terrifies you, you are not alone. In this episode we dive into the best way to initiate sex to minimize rejection – and how to reject your partner without wounding the person you love!

Initiating sex can be scary, even with a long term partner. Asking for what you desire is a vulnerable act, no matter how much you trust your partner. For most people, it is the fear of rejection that gets in the way of initiating sex more frequently.

Let’s face it: rejection hurts. Most human languages reflect this with phrases like “heart broken” and “hurt my feelings” or “that stung.” Recently, modern technology has revealed that this isn’t a metaphor: functional MRI studies reveal romantic rejection registers in the brain as physical pain.

But you don’t need to feel rejected every time your partner isn’t up for sex. In this episode, we explore how to reframe the situation so it feels safer to ask while allowing both partners to authentically negotiate their desires.

A lot of people come to sexual neediness out of touch starvation. If you have a culture in your relationship where you are not touching one another, you are not affectionate, you are not feeling paid attention to, that is when sexual neediness sets in. And needy is never sexy.

Erotic Communication

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Erotic Communication :: Free Podcast Episode

Feel shy when it comes to talking about sex? Communication is essential for a great sex life, but not all of us love to chat about our deepest desires. Here are a few alternative ways to share your fantasies, express your desires and communicate your wishes.
From writing your own erotica to keeping a shared sex diary, from listening to dirty stories to keeping an anonymous blog of images, there are many creative ways to share your sexual fantasies. Find a method that works best for you and start getting more authentic in the bedroom!

What’s Your Fetish

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What turns you on? What REALLY turns you on?

We all have a unique constellation of things that arouse us – some expected and some very surprising. If we can let go of shame and cultural baggage around our arousal patterns, we are freed up to be much more authentic and have way more fun in bed.

In this episode, we explore the vast galaxy of sexual fetishes to reveal we all have something that is strangely erotic, and embracing our fetishes is key to having a fun, playful sex life.

A fetish is any object or situation that creates a spike of arousal for you. No one knows why people develop particular fetishes. It is not because of childhood events, nor is it a disorder of any kind. Fetishes are just a quirk of human sexuality. Some of us develop very strong arousal patterns to things that may or may not be arousing at all to other people.

People often want to know where fetishes come from. No one knows the answer to this question. Some report childhood incidents of highly charged emotions, but others have no idea where their fetish got started. Why do we need to know? Does it help alleviate shame? Perhaps it is more fun to revel in the mystery and quirkiness of fetishes.

Kinky sex can involve fetishes, but if you don’t have a fetish there is no need to seek one out. Rather, you can let yourself be curious about the world of fetishes and be open to unexpected turn-ons.

If, however, you have a fetish that you fantasize about but have never experienced with your partner, it is worth talking about it and exploring the possibility of integrating your fetish(es) into your sex play together.

Here are just a few of the infinite array of fetishes:

Food
Body parts – feet, ears, hair
Textiles and Clothing – Latex, Leather, Stockings, Silk Underwear
Body Fluids and Functions – Menstrual blood, Urine, Spit, Sweat
Animal accessories – Dog leashes, Horse saddles
Furry Costumes or Mascot Costumes
Jewelry, Body Modifications

Now, take a deep breath. We’re going to ask you to disclose one or more fetishes to one another. Remember all that we learned about non-judgemental communication. Just because one of you is interested in a particular fetish doesn’t mean you have to explore it together. Instead, think of it as a potential ingredient in your sexual pantry. Some ingredients, like sugar and flour, you may reach for frequently. Others are specialty ingredients that you may only use once a year. If one of you is interested and the other is turned off by the idea, it can be part of your fantasy life alone.

Ok, now one at a time, reveal something in your “interested ” or “very interested” list. Then give your partner time to respond. You may not know WHY you find something sexy. This is part of something being a fetish – it is hard to know why it turns you on! Instead, ask the following questions:

* Is there a specific way you’d like to explore this fetish?

* How do you see this fitting into our sex life? (Many people worry that it will have to be part of sex every time and thus they’ll lose the sex they know and love)

* What kinds of fantasies do you have about this fetish?

* If your partner is turned off by this fetish, is there any version of it they would be open to exploring?

For example, if he reveals that he has a foot fetish (one of the most common fetishes) your conversation can explore exactly how you want to play with it. Here are some varieties of how this might go:

* I get really turned on when you wear high heels, would you consider wearing them more often while we have sex?

* Are you open to having your feet touched during sex?

* You can touch my feet, but I don’t know how I feel about toe sucking. Can we start with a foot massage and see how it feels to make that part of our play?

* I really want to submit to you, while you are wearing boots, and want you to order me to lick your shoes and grovel at your feet. Then I want you to step on my chest while ordering me to jerk off for you

* I love seeing your feet while we fuck. Can we explore positions where you put your feet up on my chest so I can look at them, touch them and kiss your toes while fucking you?

Ultimately, getting honest about your fetishes and erotic preferences will help you have a more joyful, fulfilling sex life. If you are ready to dive in an explore kinky sex, check out our Kinky Sex Mastery Online Course.