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Sexual Fantasy

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How To Share Sexual Fantasies With Your Lover

This episode was originally published in 2013, and updated in 2021 as Speaking of Sex episode #387, Fantasy Vs. Desire

Ever wanted to share a fantasy with your lover, but had no idea how to get the conversation started?

In this podcast, we share the best ways to get your lover to share a sexual fantasy with you.

We start by exploring the crucial difference between a sexual fantasy and a desire, and then offer strategies for getting your lover to open up and share with you. Talking about fantasies and naming desires is an incredibly vulnerable act, but one that can have huge benefits for your relationship and your sex life.

In this episode of our Speaking of Sex podcast, we answer a listener’s question about getting his wife to tell him what she liked about 50 Shades of Grey, but no matter what your literary preferences, you can benefit from being more honest and transparent about your fantasies with your lover.

Resources Mentioned In This Episode

The Fantasy Method

The Fantasy Method: How To Discover Your Authentic Sexual Desires and Create a Fulfilling Sex Life was originally published in 2011. Now, 10 years later, we are currently updating this into an interactive online course! Join our newsletter to be amongst the first to participate!

 The human erotic imagination is a vast wilderness of sexual possibilities. We are all capable of enjoying a pleasurable, satisfying and potentially ecstatic sex life.

Yet our culture encourages us to keep the window of possibility very narrow, limiting our erotic expression to a short list of approved activities and energies. To truly experience sexual freedom, you must reclaim your erotic imagination and allow yourself to make your sex life a work of art, your very own creation designed to fulfill your unique needs and desires.

The Fantasy Method offers an exciting way to break out of your sexual scripts and discover your authentic sexual desires, so you can begin experiencing the true potential of your sexuality. This is a process you can use over time, at your own pace, to constantly uncover new aspects of yourself as a sexual being.

First, we invite you to unleash the power of your imagination and actively explore the outer reaches of human sexual possibility. You’ll be invited to pay attention to what themes and elements your body responds to, mapping your arousal and excitement as you travel through the vast erotic wilderness of fantasy.

Next, you’ll learn how to get specific about your authentic sexual desires, those elements and energies from your fantasy that you want to experience more of in your sex life. Finally, you’ll learn how to set goals – alone and with your lover – to make those desires a reality. We guide you step by step in negotiating and communicating about your fantasies, desires and goals so you have the best possibility of making your deepest desires part of your erotic reality.

In these three steps, impossibly wild fantasies become real lived experiences. Instead of settling for a mundane, average sexual existence, you invest in creating a fulfilling, exciting and gratifying erotic life. Many of us want more when it comes to sex, but don’t know where to begin. This strategy is the starting point for countless erotic adventures, designed just for you and your lover.

 

Fantasy Vs. Desire

Fantasies and Desires are two very different categories, and it is essential to make a clear distinction so you can freely Explore Your Fantasies & Name Your Desires

Just like we can enjoy action movies without any real desire to be in an exploding building, the realm of sexual fantasy is where anything is possible and we are free to explore. Meanwhile, your Desires are what you actually want more of in real life!

Fantasy Vs. Desire

Fantasy: the faculty or activity of imagining things, esp. things that are impossible or improbable.

Desire: a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.

Something changes from a fantasy to a desire as soon as you want to make it real. Pleasures may change from one category to the other over your lifetime.

Explore Your Fantasies, Name Your Desires

Here are some of our interactive resources to help you explore your fantasies and name your specific desires so you can get more of what you want! Ready for more? Join The Pleasure Pod & Unlock Members Only Resources

  • Questions & Conversation Starters About Fantasy Vs. Desire
  • Name Your Desires: Fill In The Blanks Worksheet

More On Fantasy Vs. Desire

Fantasy is the world of pure erotic imagination. The human body responds to erotic thoughts the same way it responds to erotic stimulation from outside. So the power of fantasy can be used to name your specific desires, tap into more arousal and discover the patterns of your turn-on.

Some people fantasize about past sexual experiences, remembering peak erotic experiences. 

Other fantasies center on who we wish we could be, or might have been, projecting an idealized self into an idealized world. 

Other fantasies are about what we would like to experience if anything was possible and there were no real world limitations where mythical creatures and supernatural beings with powers can transport us beyond the daily grind.

Fantasy can run the gamut from simple pleasures to elaborate scenarios, can be mild or wild, based on experiences we want to have or those we would never even consider enacting. Fantasy is just that – the magical place in your mind where everything and anything is possible.

Noticing the fabric of your fantasies can give you important information about your own arousal. You can choose to make some of your fantasies come true, or leave them as fantasy only pleasures, private worlds of pleasure in your mind.

Fantasy A-Z

Each short story in this series is designed to explore a common fantasy through explicit erotic fiction. 

This series was put on hold when we got pregnant and had to refocus time and energy! Want more? Let Chris know!

The first stories in the series: B is for Bondage, C is for Coworker, P is for Pegging and T is for Threesome are available now as PDFs so you can enjoy them on any device!

All of Chris’ published erotica, plus some unpublished gems, are available for free to members of The Pleasure Pod, who sustain our work with a small monthly donation. Join us, unlock members only resources and be in direct communication with all of your questions. Cheers!

BisforBondageCover

CoworkerCover

Pegging

How To Have a Threesome

The Fantasy A-Z Series:

A is for ?
B is for Bondage
C is for Coworker
D is for ?
E is for ?

F is for ?
G is for ?
H is for ?

I is for ?
J is for ?

K is for ?

L is for ?
M is for ?
N is for ?
O is for ?

P is for Pegging

Q is for ?
R is for ?
S is for ?

T is for Threesome

U is for ?

V is for ?

W is for ?

X is for ?

Y is for ?
Z is for ?

The Ethics of Sexual Fantasy

The ethics of fantasizing during sex with your partner is a hotly contested controversy amongst sex educators. Some believe it to be the ultimate betrayal, taking you mentally far away from your lover. Others think it is fair game if it turns you on.

Check out podcast episode #223 for a candid discussion on taboo sexual fantasies.

We want to know what YOU think! Get in touch and share your thoughts about the ethics of sexual fantasy. 

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