The Venn Diagram of Desire

The Venn Diagram of Desire

Is it selfish to say “no” to your lover’s sexual requests? What role do healthy boundaries play in a satisfying sex life?

Discover the Venn Diagram of Desire! You have your desires, your lover has their own, and your shared sex life is where the two overlap.

Having different interests and desires doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with your relationship, it simply means you need to find your overlap and choose to go deeper together in your relationship.

In this must-listen episode, we explore how to have a fulfilling sex life – while keeping your integrity intact! Being sexually liberated doesn’t mean doing anything and everything!

True sexual freedom means knowing what your authentic desires are, being willing to have open and honest communication with your lover, and choosing what you honestly want to explore together.

Join the conversation!

Discuss this & all episodes of Speaking of Sex in our private community!



Sexual Desire

Many people want to increase their sexual desire. Loss of desire is very common and, thankfully, something you can take control of.

What is Sexual Desire?

DesireSexual desire goes way beyond a simple craving for intercourse. Sexual desire is an entire galaxy of needs and wants, pleasures your body craves. The first step in reclaiming your sexual desire is getting honest about what you specifically want, right now.

What pleasures do you crave? What kind of touch do you long for? If you could be the architect of the perfect evening of pleasure, what would it look like?

Desire is the hunger for pleasure that fuels us as humans. We desire that which feeds and nourishes us.

Humans are incredibly creative sexual beings. Each of us has a very specific constellation of sexual turn-ons and interests, and most of us have not even begun to get to know ourselves as sexual beings. We have lost the ability to fantasize freely, to give ourselves blanket permission to explore our erotic creativity and discover what it is we truly desire. So we settle for a narrow and predictable sex life, enjoying the familiar pleasures we permit ourselves, and yet find ourselves wondering what else is erotically possible.

What Is Blocking Your Desire

If you aren’t feeling as much sexual desire as you wish, the first thing to get real about is how much stress is getting in the way of your desire. Stress is highly toxic, and many people find that the more stressed out they are, the less sexual desire they feel. This makes sense, as the body shifts it’s resources to manage stress and away from the less essential systems. If you suspect stress is killing your libido, start with couples massage. Sharing massage with your lover is an amazing way to connect with your lover, melt away stress and get back in touch with pleasure.

It is also important to get real about what else might be blocking your sexual desire. Is there resentment or regret clouding your relationship? Is there anything you need to clear up between you and your lover so you can feel ready to be intimate and vulnerable together. If you do fine and get aroused while fantasizing about strangers, but can’t seem to get interested in sex with your lover, work on your relationship before worrying about your own libido!

True Desire Is For What Is Sustainable and Nourishing

Of course, desire can go haywire and turn into compulsive cravings and addictions. That is not true desire. True desire is for that which pleasures our body and soul in a long-term, sustainable way.

What desires do you allow yourself? Notice all the places in your life you have desire and don’t allow it.

Desire ≠ Fantasy: Discover The Crucial Difference!

Desire is not the same as fantasy. It is easy to fantasize about things that you do not truly desire. Fantasy is the realm of the erotic imagination, where anything is possible. Desire is that which you actually want more of in your life. Our book The Fantasy Method uncovers the crucial difference between fantasy and desire and guides you in naming your authentic desires so  you can have the sex life you really want.

In this culture, we are taught to desire consumer goods and foods – but not some of the more satisfying things in life (fufillment, touch, intimacy, freedom.) Learning to authentically name your desires is the first step towards creating the sex life that will fulfill you.

Responsive Desire

Responsive Desire

Let’s face it: life is busy, our to-do lists are long and at the end of the day it can feel exhausting to think about getting intimate.

Here’s the problem: if you de-prioritize your sexuality again and again, you can fall into a dry spell and it becomes much harder to get your sex life started again. Every time you choose the TV over your erotic life, your pleasure potential narrows a bit.

So here is some advice that can do wonders for your sex life: even if you aren’t in the mood, get intimate anyway. Choose to get naked, get in bed and simply explore full body touch. Don’t put pressure on the situation, don’t have an agenda to have sex or even have an orgasm. Just touch. Then notice how you feel. Most of the time, your body will start warming up and feeling really good, your mind will relax and you’ll say things like “Why don’t we do this EVERY night?”

This “get naked and touch” advice is even more important for women, as female sexual response is often “responsive desire” rather than “spontaneous desire.” This means that women are more likely to feel aroused and ready for intimacy once they are already in an erotic situation (naked and touching their lover!) rather than spontaneously as they are washing up after dinner.

Once you are naked and in bed, focus on full body touch, using all of the strokes you have learned from the couples massage videos. Then, if you find yourself aroused, you can move on to erotic touch or other kinds of orgasmic stimulation. But remember that even a few moments of full body touch is enough to trigger your brain’s pleasure response, create head-to-toe relaxation and release all the health benefits of touch. Make a few minutes of full body touch part of your daily routine and you’ll notice tremendous benefits for your health and your relationship.

So don’t wait to be in the mood for intimacy. Choose to get naked and start touching and see what happens!