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Prohibited Sex

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Prohibited Sex :: Free Podcast Episode

Michel Foucault is a French philosopher, and considered by many to be the founding voice of Queer Theory.

His last major work was a multi volume series on The History Of Sexuality, and the primary objective is to examine the relationship between power and discourse. Discourse means the formal way we talk about a subject and the way that language creates meaning and action in the world.

Here Foucault describes the intention of The History of Sexuality: “The object, in short, is to define the regime of power-knowledge-pleasure that sustains the discourse on human sexuality in our part of the world”

Foucault challenges the idea that sexuality has simply been repressed, and introduces much more complex ideas about how power and sexuality interact in our culture. He calls this the “polymorphous techniques of power.”

In this book, Foucault describes the principal features of how we traditionally think about the relationship between sex and power.

One of these features is what he calls the cycle of prohibition, which describes how the threat of punishment maintains a silence around sexuality.

The cycle of prohibition:

“Thou shalt not go near, thou shalt not touch, thou shalt not consume, thou shalt not experience pleasure, thou shalt not speak, thou shalt not show thyself; ultimately thou shalt not exist, except in darkness and secrecy. To deal with sex, power employs nothing more than a law of prohibition. Its objective; that sex renounce itself. Its instrument; the threat of a punishment that is nothing other that the suppression of sex. Renounce yourself or suffer the penalty of being suppressed; do not appear if you do not want to disappear. Your existence will be maintained only at the cost of your nullification. Power constrains sex only through a taboo that plays on the alternative between two nonexistences” – The History of Sexuality, Michel Foucault

The challenge here is to remember that the cycle of prohibition doesn’t come from on high. It is not the law or the church that perpetuate this cycle, it is a more diffuse web of power, that we each participate in every day. Prohibiting sexual expression and sexual pleasure is entangled with our ideas of self-worth, the value of pleasure, our relationship to the body and to eroticism at large.

What are your “thou shalt not” thoughts? How do you invisibly punish yourself, or restrain your actions under threat of punishment?

We all occupy a position of power in our culture – which shifts all the time. Influenced by race, gender, class, education, physical appearance, and many other factors. How are you using your power when you discuss the sexualities of others? What do you prohibit or permit?

Anti-Porn Vs. Sex Positive Feminism

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Anti Porn Vs. Sex Positive Feminism

This week, the sex education community lost a beloved member, Candida Royalle. A true pioneer and leader in the field, Candida was also a dear friend and inspiring mentor for many of us.

We, The Pleasure Mechanics, owe everything we do to the legacy of Candida Royalle and the other pioneers of sex positive feminism.

It is essential to understand the history of the sex positive feminist movement to fully grasp Royalle’s contribution to sex culture as we know it.

In the 1970’s, a debate began brewing amongst feminist thinkers and activists. This debate escalated into what is known as the feminist sex wars or porn wars. On one side were anti-porn feminists and on the other, sex positive feminists.

For many years, most feminist theory took a decidedly anti-sex stance on issues of pornography, prostitution, sadomasochism and even private sexual relationships. In response to thousands of years of sexual oppression, the first feminist response was to shut down sexuality all together, especially commercial sexuality like the pornography industry. It was suggested that celibacy and androgyny were logical solutions to the exploitation of sexuality. The U.S. anti-pornography movement was formalized with the founding of Women Against Violence in Pornography and Media in 1977 and the first Take Back The Night march in 1978. Feminist thinkers Andrea Dworkin and Catharine MacKinnon drafted several documents calling for the criminalization of pornography. Robin Morgan stated the core belief as “”pornography is the theory, rape is the practice” and many anti-porn feminists declared that all sex was based on male violence.

In the late 1970’s another voice began to rise and assert that sexuality could be a positive force for women’s liberation. This camp, which included the pioneers of the sex positive movement, focused on the importance of free speech and expression for all women, including those who wanted to express themselves as sexual beings. Sex positive feminism arose from the idea that women’s bodies and choices belonged to women themselves and shouldn’t be controlled by the morality of anyone else, including other women.

When it came to pornography, sex positive feminists boldly claimed that the solution was not no pornography but rather better porn. They challenged the idea that all sexuality was patriarchal and violent by nature, and instead started talking about female pleasure, orgasm and masturbation. They began educational circles where women discussed sexuality and learned about sexual pleasure. Betty Dodson spearheaded teaching women about masturbating, while other women took up activism around lesbianism and sadomasochism. In the early 80’s a group of women in New York City started thinking about how to bring their feminist and sex positive values to the pornography industry. These women included Candida Royalle and Annie Sprinkle.

The clash between these two groups were intense. Anti-porn feminists would stage demonstrations and protests outside of feminist conferences and theaters showing pornography, and the attacks often got deeply personal.

Clearly, we here at Pleasure Mechanics identify more with the sex positive feminist camp, and are in a direct lineage with these early pioneers. But all of the questions about the role of porn, prostitution and commercial sexuality are just as relevant today and there are no easy answers. We must continue to have conversations and explore what the future of these industries might look like with the highest good of all humans in the forefront of our minds.

Candida-Royalle

Candida Royalle was part of that small group of women who began exploring the notion of feminist pornography in the 80’s. She performed in about 25 films over five years before retiring from performing and taking her place behind the camera as a producer and director. Her goal was to create couple’s friendly porn that women would enjoy watching. Remember, she was the first to explore this genre, which today is a huge industry. The industry at the time laughed at her, and she struggled to find distribution for her films. Yet she persisted, creating films that emphasized foreplay, romance, women’s pleasure and authentic depictions of female orgasm. In 1984 Royalle started Femme Productions, considered by many to be the first feminist porn production studio. Later, she turned her gaze on the sex toy industry and created the first line of sex toys designed to be ergonomic and women friendly, called Natural Contours. Both her couple’s pornography and ergonomic sex toys are now widely copied throughout the industry. In 1992 she was a founding member of  Feminists for Free Expression.

Candida Royalle was a visionary and it is only because her ideas have been so widely adopted that we can easily forget her contributions. The core ideas of porn that couples can enjoy together, porn that depicts authentic women’s pleasure, films that take time to build up to a climax other than the “money shot” are all Candida’s contributions to the sex positive media movement. Meanwhile, her writing and educational efforts contributed just as much to the efforts to teach about female sexual pleasure and emphasize sexuality as a positive, healthy force in our lives. For her contributions we all must be grateful.

One of Candida Royalle’s best friends and collaborators is Annie Sprinkle. They were both part of Club 90, a feminist porn star support group that brought together the core group of sex positive feminists in friendship and mutual support.

Annie’s story is the subject of an entire discussion, but for us personally is important to mention here. I met Annie through my sex positive work at Vassar College, and she generously invited me to come work with her in San Francisco. So I eagerly drove cross country and rang her doorbell. She welcomed me with open arms, and eventually introduced me to her dear friend Joseph Kramer, who gave me my first job after college. Joe was the founder of the Body Electric School, which formalized the practice of erotic massage. Joe sent me to massage school, where I learned both traditional massage and erotic massage, and we collaborated on my first sex education video projects. I also helped him develop  and teach the Sexological Bodywork program at the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, which is eventually where I met Charlotte. Meanwhile, I continued to work with Annie Sprinkle on various projects and we remain friends to this day. Our work here at Pleasure Mechanics is part of direct lineage from the earliest pioneers of sex positive feminism, and we are grateful for all those who laid the tracks before us. We hope to continue their legacy of creating a more positive and pleasurable sex culture for us all.

Lust, Love and Attachment: Helen Fisher on The Nature of Love

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Lust, Love and Attachment :: Free Podcast Episode

In this podcast, leading love researcher shares the difference between lust, love and attachment. She uncovers the nature of these three different circuits associated with love and challenges our assumptions about “happily ever after” relationships. Hit the “play” button above to reveal the truth about how humans are wired for lust, love and attachment. Check out Helen Fisher’s book Why We Love for more on the nature of love.

This podcast challenges our notions of what is normal and natural in love.

We have concrete scientific evidence here from a well respected researcher that your relationship isn’t broken if the mutual passion has waned. In fact there is some biological inevitability that this will happen over time. Additionally there is nothing wrong with you if you feel passion for a coworker even though you love your partner. It is scientifically confirmed that lust and romance are not the same. So is it really ok if you feel love for your partner and intense attraction for another?

What matters is what you choose to do about having any kind of feelings outside of your primary relationship. This is up to you and your ethics, values and ideals, but having the feelings is very natural and normal. To have feelings for someone other than whom you are technically devoted to does not mean there is anything wrong with your relationship, it is just how we humans are wired.

So many of us feel tortured by this reality of experiencing different levels of passion or excitement for different people at various points in our lives. What happens if we didn’t see these feelings as problematic but made peace with what is and then go on and decide on the choices you want to make. My hope is some of you will experience a bit more freedom within yourself so you can be more present with enjoying your erotic life instead of wishing for something else.

We have spoken in other podcasts about how to keep long term relationships exciting. We emphasize that you need to keep life interesting by doing new stimulating things together in and out of the bedroom. We will fully admit that we love reading the same advice we give regularly in this highly respected author’s book. We think we all need to keep hearing this hopeful, practical piece of advice until we are really putting it into action.

Our challenge to you this week if you are in a long term relationship where excitement has waned a bit (or if you wish to take preventative steps!) is to consider what kind of excitement and novelty will you introduce into your relationship to increase your excitement in life, and thus with each other.

Remember if you want to explore novelty in the bedroom check out our erotic mastery courses. These online, multimedia courses guide you in mastering new erotic skills to experience more orgasmic pleasure, skill and confidence.

Ask For What You Want In Bed

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Ask For What You Want In Bed :: Free Podcast Episode

How To Ask For What You Want In Bed

For many people, talking about sex is difficult. In this podcast episode (hit the play button at the top of the page to listen!) we share strategies for confidently talking about sex and fearlessly asking for what you want in bed.

Before you start making explicit requests in bed, get comfortable talking about sex as a casual conversation. When you are taking a walk, driving in the car, hanging out after dinner, or any other time you are relaxed and alone, introduce a topic that gets you talking about sex!

Ways To Introduce Conversations About Sex:

  • “I read an article about ______. Have you heard of that before?”
  • “My friends were talking about someone who liked _____ in bed. Would you ever try something like that?”
  • Who did you learn about sex from?
  • What did your parents teach you about sex?
  • Do you have a favorite sex scene from a movie?
  • What celebrity did you have a crush on as a teenager?

As you get more comfortable talking about sex, be sure to explore your Peak Erotic Experiences.

Once you feel at ease talking about sex in general, you can start making requests about what you want more of in the bedroom.

Remember to frame these conversations as an invitation rather than an accusation. You are asking your lover to explore more pleasure, connection and arousal together, not challenging their skills as a lover.

Get Specific When Asking For What You Want

Make specific, attainable requests. The more specific the better.

Instead of “I need more foreplay” try “I would love more full body touch to warm me up.”

Instead of “I am so bored with our routine” try “Can I try giving you an erotic massage sometime?”

Instead of “I wish you were rougher with me” try “I love feeling how powerful you are. It would be really hot if you held my arms down and kissed me hard.”

Frameworks For Erotic Requests:

  • “I love it when you…”
  • “I would love it if you…”
  • “I’ve been fantasizing about you…”
  • “Can we try something new? I’ve been wondering about…”
  • “I want to slow down and enjoy this, can we take our time?”
  • “I love feeling your hands on my _____. Can you do more of that?”
  • “I can’t stop thinking about how sexy it is when you ______”

Discover Your Sexiest Organ

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Ask For What You Want In Bed : Free Podcast Episode

This organ…

  • weighs eight pounds
  • contains 300 million cells per quarter sized area
  • holds the key to your sexual fulfillment

What is it? Tune in to find out!

This episode features fascinating facts from Job’s Body.

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