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This organ…
What is it? Tune in to find out!
This episode features fascinating facts from Job’s Body.
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We recently received an email from a podcast listener about getting out of limiting habits during masturbation and sex. Here’s the email:
Hi there, I recently discovered the podcast and hope you might be able to help me on an issue.
My wife really only orgasms when her legs are locked tight together. There have been a couple of exceptions when she has orgasmed while straddling me and using a toy.
I’d like for her to be able to orgasm with legs spread to allow for a variety of positions. I have read, using the wonderful world of Google (sarcastic), that this would just take practice. Supposedly, leg locking was what she learned at a young age.
I’d like to know if practice would really affect this. I don’t want to encourage her to change something that can’t be changed. I’d hate for her to feel like she is doing something wrong!
Do you have any guidance or could perhaps point me in a direction for reliable information
Thank you so much!
In this podcast episode (simply hit the “play” button at the top of this page to listen in!) you’ll find out:
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We learn about sex from a huge range of sources. From anatomy manuals to Victorian housekeeping manuals, our shelves are packed with books that have given us unexpected insight into human sexuality.
One unexpected source of sex lessons is Improv Wisdom by Patricia Ryan Madson. She is a drama teacher at Stanford University and a leader in the world of improvisational comedy. This book is a little gem of life lessons that she has gleaned from the world of improv.
When you think about it, sex is improvisational. It is a call and response, in the moment act of creativity. Maybe that is why it is so scary sometimes.
How would you react if I told you that you were getting on stage to do improv comedy tonight? Most people would freak out.
Why do we panic? We are afraid of making mistakes and looking foolish. This is the same worry that holds us back in bed.
From Improv Wisdom:
“There is a sign in my classroom that reads, “If you are not making mistakes, you are not doing improv.” Mistakes are your friends, our partners in the game. They are necessary. Making mistakes is how we function. We don’t consider them as something to be avoided; they are part of our operating system. The tenth maxim invites us to jump into the world of “oops” with both feet. You will have some adventures.
It may take some getting used to. Mistakes have a bad rap, and nobody likes making them. We imagine rows of stern-faced judges throwing up low scores every time we take a misstep or flounder. “Fortunately,” my husband remarked, “there are no Olympic judges watching our lives.” We need to start a revolution to celebrate the good that can come from seeing mistakes as natural.
When I say, “Make mistakes, please,” what I really want is for you to do something risky, where mistakes are possible (and likely) and to proceed boldly.
We hear from so many people who are terrified of making mistakes in bed.
They hold back out of fear of doing something wrong and looking foolish. Many people resist trying anything new in bed out of fear of doing it wrong or goofing up.
The fear of making mistakes and appearing foolish in front of our lovers is one of the biggest things holding us back from exploring new realms of sexuality. Especially areas that are new or unknown to us.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this recently as I put the finishing touches on our new course. The new course is a guided adventure into the world of kinky sex. It takes place over 25 date nights and invites couples into many totally new experiences. As I design each date night and share kinky sex techniques I always strive to make them fool proof, to create the best possible odds of a highly pleasurable and sexy experience.
And, part of my hope with the Kinky Sex Mastery Course is that you will laugh together, that you will find totally new areas of sexuality to explore together, and in doing so will discover new highs of pleasure but also make a mistake or two – and in doing so, build your communication, your trust and your intimacy. In fact, I built into the course strategies for communication that demand something more than “that was great honey” but get you talking about what could have made it even better, what your body wanted but didn’t get – so the next time you play together you’ll have an even better experience. This is the only way to an ecstatic sex life together.
Of course, there is no audience in most of our bedrooms. But there is an even harsher judge, omnipresent – our own self judgment.
We teach techniques that are designed to activate tons of pleasure, raise arousal and give you an incredible sexual experience.
You can master these skills, but that doesn’t mean you are doing it wrong if you don’t do it in one exact way. The beauty of erotic skills is they give you a touch vocabulary and then you make up your own story. Just like in language, there are endless varieties of expressions.
What does succeeding at sex look like?
The trouble is, worrying about making mistakes takes you out of the present moment.
If you give yourself permission to make mistakes, get vulnerable and trust your partner will still love you, you can start enjoying more improvisational sex.
To get started with improvisational sex, pay attention to your touch and to your lovers responses. Follow your intuition and notice what feels good to you – often that is what feels best to your lover as well.
Be Mindful: Pay attention to what you are doing while you are doing it. For more on mindfulness during sex, check out episode on Mindful Sex, Episode #123
Remember there are no mistakes, just exploration. finding that moment of “just right” each time.
There are just a few absolute rules about erotic touch, and we will not be shy in telling you all about them. But once you master the essential erotic touch techniques, you can start feeling free in improvisational sex. You can start trusting your hands and getting creative.
One of my favorite moments during sex is when we are both completely present in the moment, and it feels like our souls meet at the point of touch. I am not thinking about specific strokes or techniques, my hands are just moving and I can feel the arousal building, like an ocean tide, each wave bigger than the next. Then we are submerged, swimming in orgasmic release, and we don’t know which way is up. When we finally wash up on the shore, catching our breath, bodies tangled like seaweed, filled up with love.
What does your best sex moment feel like? Are you willing to risk making a mistake to get there? What if you find out that there are no judges, that you can be free to be fully yourself and express your eroticism with creativity and spontaneity?
If that feels far away, what would it take to get there?
As you reflect on these questions I’d love to hear your thoughts. Write to me at chris@pleasuremechanics.com or come over to PM.com and contact us through the site.
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Performance anxiety affects almost all men at one point or another. It can be a crippling force that drains all the fun out of sex.
In this episode (simply hit the “play” button above!) we explore performance anxiety and how to transform your experience of performance anxiety in your sex life.
Your first step is to check for any medical reasons. Do you ever get fully hard? Do you have morning erections? during masturbation? If so, equipment is working. If not, go talk to doctor.
That’s the key to managing performance anxiety. Notice that you’re worrying and then do something about it. Simple. But not always easy. It requires practice. Lots and lots of practice. ~ Emily Nagoski
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This podcast features an excerpt from The Soul of Sex by Thomas Moore.
Enjoy all of The Soul of Sex by Thomas Moore as an audiobook for FREE. Grab your free copy here!
What if when men feel sad and inadequate about their penis size and crave a bigger, harder cock that perhaps what you really want is all the qualities you believe a larger penis will bring you. That in truth what you really want is what the penis symbolizes to you, which in reality you can actually have free access to without changing your penis size.
The key here is to understand what does the idea of having a bigger penis symbolize to you, what would it mean to you? What are you craving more of, what do you desire? What is it you want to create in your life, what is it that makes you feel alive, how do you want to become an extraordinary lover?
What would a larger penis mean to you? Is it more masculinity, a greater ability to please women sexually, being sexually virile, experiencing more power, more vitality, more abundance and more attractiveness? What would happen if as a man you allowed yourself to embody and cultivate these qualities as you are inspired to, regardless of the size of your penis. Because the truth is all of those qualities have been symbolized by a large penis throughout time and in many cultures, but the qualities are in fact separate from the size.
In our culture if men are feeling sexually insecure and not sure that they are doing a good job pleasing women sexually that our culture tells us that the solution is to have a bigger penis. However to please women powerfully you do not need a bigger penis, that is a myth. What you may need instead is the qualities of an idealized man, more skill, more sensitivity, more awareness, more passion and more presence. These qualities are available to you to grow, cultivate and embody whatever size penis you have. These are equal opportunity sexual skills available to men of all penis size because they are qualities entirely separate from penis size.
Ridding yourself of the myth that to have a better sexual life you need a bigger penis is essential to your sexual happiness. As getting rid of any iota of shame and embarrassment you have about your penis size frees up that energy to become a better lover and show up more fully in bed for your lover’s pleasure, which could really make a difference in your world now and over your lifetime.
My challenge to you this week is to think about how you relate to penis size, really think about what having a big penis symbolizes to you and what is one action you could take to cultivate those qualities in your life now regardless of your size.
And if you are someone who spends anytime worrying about your size, I really invite you to give this question of what would having a big penis mean to you a real ponder. Freeing yourself of this myth and concern can make a huge change in how you and your lovers experience your sexuality.
Enjoy all of The Soul of Sex by Thomas Moore as an audiobook for FREE. Grab your free copy here!