Learn How To Say Yes No and Maybe

Establishing and maintaining boundaries is a skill that is sorely missing in most of our lives. We often say “yes” when we want to say “no” for fear of hurting someone else’s feelings or being judged. We stay at a party longer than we want to so we aren’t the first to say goodnight. We listen to a friend go on and on when we are distracted by something we need to be doing.

Think about how many times in the past week you overstepped a boundary, for whatever reason. Five? Ten? Thirty? Too many to count? 

You are not alone – this is one of the major social skills that most of us need to exercise. 

It can feel strange at first to establish and maintain a boundary – like we are betraying other social rules in order to take care of ourselves.

Try establishing firmer boundaries in the rest of your life – so what you choose to do you can do with pleasure and authentic enthusiasm. Say NO more often, or say Maybe and mean it. In return, when you ask for favors from other people, be prepared to hear no.

Ask for what you want or need more often, but allow people to say no and don’t take it personally. If we all got more used to both hearing and saying No, we could all enjoy our lives so much more. 

Notice in your life where you are spending time or energy and resenting it – and think about strategies to shift those tasks towards more pleasure (“It would be a lot more fun to run the fundraiser with more people involved”, “I wouldn’t mind driving everyone else’s kids to practice if the other parents pitched in for gas money and snacks once in awhile”). Or, be radical and say No. 

Even if you have already been doing something, say No (“I’ve been on this committee for three years now, I am going to step down and allow someone else to fill this role” or “Honey, would you be willing to take your own shirts to the cleaners? It is right on your way to work”) Use your voice, choose Yes No and Maybe deliberately, and establish firm boundaries in the bedroom and your life. 

This is an essential step towards a resent-free and more pleasurable life.
One of the most important roles of boundaries is they allow you to relax and savor the experience more fully. If you know what is NOT going to happen, you can enjoy what IS happening much more fully. You don’t have to waste any energy or attention worrying about what is going to happen next.

A few things that may be a HUGE Turn ON or Turn OFF :

• Commenting on details of bottom’s appearance
• “Punishing” for an indiscretion or disobedience
• Requiring bottom to ask for forgiveness, to beg or to ask for the spanking.
• Using degrading language like slut, bitch, whore, fag, pussy
• Threatening additional forms of punishment / violence

Towards A Resent Free Sexuality
Boundaries allow us to move towards resent-free sexuality. This means only sharing touch and sexual pleasure when you are both in the mood – and never going along with sex just to “get it out of the way” or meet your partner’s demands. Otherwise, resent builds up, tarnishing a relationship with bitterness and anger. 

Or, you set and maintain boundaries and avoid the toxic buildup of resentment and regret. 
If you have sex when you don’t feel like it, or allow your partner to touch you against your true wishes, it will never serve you in the long run. By actively choosing to communicate about boundaries and consent, you can develop a relationship where you are both on board fully. 

This doesn’t have to be clinical – with practice and intimacy you will know one another’s cues and can communicate easily about what you are in the mood for.

Keep The Conversation Going!

Tune Into A Podcast Episode:

• Erotic Communication
• Manage Your Turn Ons and Turn Offs
• Sex Out Of Obligation
• Explicit Monogamy Agreements

Safewords

We like to think of kinky sex as a form of Erotic Game Play. All games have some version of a “time-out” – where the game is put on hold and players can take a breather, check in about strategy or adjust conditions. 

In Kinky Sex, “safewords” are specific words that have specific meanings to you and your lover. Most frequently they are used to mean “slow down” or “stop” during kinky sex. They are used if you need to break roles, come out of the scene and check in. 

They can be used if you are just feeling done and need to end the scene early. Safewords are a highly valued tradition in the BDSM community – where many people play with very intense sensation, dangerous scenarios and highly charged emotions. 

Safewords are essential to be able to let go. Kind of like a fire escape in a movie theater- good to know it is there, and you hope you don’t have to use it. 

The most traditional safeword combination is Red Yellow Green. 

• Saying “red” stops the scene all together, for any purpose and at any time. 
• “Yellow” means you need to slow down the intensity. 
• “Green” means you are good, all systems go, no change needed. 

Make sense?

Some people like making up safewords like “elephant” or “telephone” – a word they would never say otherwise in an erotic context. 

What about good old fashioned NO? If you are playing a submissive role, it can be powerful and erotic (for some people) to be able to struggle, even to say “no” and still remain submissive. In this case, you are agreeing ahead of time, for a set period of time, that “No” doesn’t mean “no” – but “Elephant” or “red” does. 

“Oh no, I could never, I’m not that kind of girl!” (Keep going!)

Vs. “Yellow” (Back off a bit, Lower the intensity, Don’t Push Further)

Vs “Red!” (Stop right away, go back to being your regular self and check-in)

With safe words you can give information without breaking character. And if you need to end it right away, you can do so without any confusion.

Make sense? What are your safewords? Share them with your lover and practice using them in lower-charged situations so you have them ready if you ever need them.

Non-Verbal Safe words

If you tend to go non-verbal during sex, you can also try a safe word gesture, a physical action that means “slow down” or “stop.”One of the classics is to give the person being spanked a ball or scarf to hold – and if they drop the ball it means you stop for a moment and check in. You can also use a “tap-out” system but make sure the gesture is big enough and noticeable enough that the person doing the spanking will notice it right away.

Intentions

Remember, part of consent is being honest and clear about your intentions. Never initiate a game like spanking out of anger, frustration or to vent your feelings about something going on in the relationship. Games like this should be played for mutual enjoyment and eroticism only. Work out your issues first, and then connect during sex. Make sure you are being honest about your intentions – because they will be felt.

Ready to explore with us? Start Your Next Erotic Adventure – we’ll be there with you, every step of the way.

Consent is absolutely essential at every stage of erotic exploration.

So what is consent? Far beyond saying “yes,” consent means active and enthusiastic participation in your own experience.

Consent is about agency: This means being the active agent in what is happening, rather than being an object to which something is being done. Simple, but when you start to map this into your erotic experiences, you can see the need to develop the capacities of erotic agency.

Consent is also about context and power. To truly be consensual, sex must take place in a pressure free environment where there are not negative consequences if you want to change your mind midway.

With an active consent agreement in place, you can feel comfortable asking your partner to slow down or stop. Or, your lover will notice that you aren’t responding as you usually do and stop to check in. You’ll both trust that nothing bad will come out of asking to stop. 

Once you stop, you can take a moment together and then switch activities. Maybe you’ll curl up together and cuddle. Maybe you’ll start making out and have great sex. Maybe you’ll find another activity you want to try instead. 

You’ll stay connected, stay in the pleasure zone and build trust. When you try spanking again, you won’t be afraid and maybe you’ll have an amazing time.

Active consent makes a huge difference over the lifespan of your sex life. 

Don’t worry about consent taking the spontaneity out of your sex life.

Consent is sexy – what is hotter than knowing your lover is completely ready and eager to play with you? 

To make sure your play is fully consensual at every stage, you can make an agreement with one another and with us. With this agreement firmly in place, you don’t have to waste energy wondering if your lover is enduring anything. You can both relax knowing you will slow down or stop whenever needed. 

The Pleasure Mechanics Consent Agreement

• If, at any moment, I am not enjoying what is happening, I will ask to slow down, stop or safeword. 
• If, at any moment, I feel overwhelmed, confused or scared, I will communicate or safeword.
• If, at any moment, I notice that my lover feels distant or disconnected, I will check in or stop all together. 
• I will always honor our mutual willingness to explore, and never humiliate or punish my lover for slowing down or stopping.

Is there anything else that would help you feel safer as you start exploring together? Name it out loud!

Keep The Conversation Going!

Tune Into A Podcast Episode:

• Get Specific About Your Erotic Desires
• Desire: The Pleasure Of Wanting
• Feeling Myself – Discovering Erotic Interoception

Legendary kink educator Midori says “BDSM is joyous play with adult sexual privilege & cool toys”

Spanking, bondage and other forms of kinky sex are really just elaborate forms of play for adults. We call it Erotic Game Play. We came up with this term to describe the vast spectrum of activities that adults do together to create an alternate reality where they can experience extraordinary sexual states. Erotic Game Play includes things like bondage, role playing, intense sensation play, striptease and an endless variety of sexual adventures.

Ready to explore kink with us? Let’s get started!

Tune In To A Podcast Episode

• Before Pleasure, Comes Safety
• You Are Kinky – Why Everyone Needs To Explore Kinky Sex
• Getting Kinky In A Long Term Relationship

Why play erotic games?

Humans love playing games. Very few human cultures have ever existed without games of some sort. From puzzles and word games to ball sports and races, humans love the thrill, challenge and emotional highs of games. Add in the human expression of sexuality, and the Erotic Games Are On!

Before visions of stadiums full of sweaty glistening naked athletes and judges with scorecards (hmmm, not a bad vision at all!) we want to really get clear on what we mean by Erotic Games – and why learning to play is the smartest move you’ll make for a happy fulfilling sex life.

Erotic games will open new possibilities for you and your lover. You’ll safely be able to explore new erotic energies such as power, surrender and seduction – without risking the sanity and security of your long term relationship. Erotic game play will be your escape together, so you can enjoy extraordinary experiences and come back unscathed, radiating with erotic euphoria.

What is a game?

Imagine you and I are walking to the park and chatting as we play with a ball. I throw it to you, you throw it to me. We are playing together, but there is no game.

We keep walking, get to the park, unpack our gear, put on special equipment, and take to the field. A few moments later you are tackling me to the ground. Game on!

If you had tackled me on the way to the park, we’d have a serious problem. Once in our uniforms and pads, both willingly playing a game together, the rules have changed. We are in an alternate reality, where new things are possible. We understand the goals, the roles and the rules. When the timer ends, we’ll go on being friends (as long as we’ve both played the game according to the rules) and hopefully we have both had a great time.

• A Game is a form of Play governed by an agreed-upon set of Goals, Rules and Roles.
• A Game creates an alternate reality, where new experiences are possible.
• An Erotic Game uses game play principles to design erotic spaces beyond the ordinary, where new and potentially ecstatic sexual experiences are possible.

As we explore the techniques of erotic spanking, we will include topics such as boundaries, time-outs, roles and erotic goals to enable you to craft a sexual experience that meets your own unique desires. By using Game metaphors, you can better understand what it is you want to experience and communicate with your lover to optimize your erotic experience.

Remember that when you play a role in an Erotic Game, you are stepping into an alternate reality to experience a specific kind of eroticism. Just like football players don’t tackle strangers on the streets, your role in the game ends with the game itself. Keeping this in mind may allow you to give yourself permission to surrender to the experience of an erotic spanking. If you really want to be spanked, you can ask your lover to spank you without giving up power in your relationship or your life outside the boundaries of the spanking game you agree to. Likewise, you can get into the erotic act of spanking your lover without being abusive or disrespectful. By staying clear that you are agreeing to specific roles for a specific amount of time, with clear goals and boundaries, you’ll be able to enjoy the experience of spanking fully without compromising your relationship or dignity.

Many people fantasize about erotic spanking but are concerned about “what it means” or the morality of engaging in a “degrading” or “humiliating” experience. Again, thinking about erotic spanking as a game that you are choosing to play can help put your desire in context. Spanking is a form of intense sexual stimulation and erotic expression between consenting adults. Choosing to be spanked doesn’t mean you want to be abused, and getting off on spanking your lover doesn’t make you a bad person.

With the techniques in this course, you’ll be able to share a hot, intense sexual experience that is authentic to your desires and gives you an erotic high that can last for days. You’ll learn how to create clear boundaries about what you want and what you don’t want to happen, so you can minimize the potential for regret. Just like athletes step into specific roles to explore specific goals and physical experiences, give yourself permission to create the opportunity to explore new facets of your sexuality. As long as both partners are participating out of authentic desire, there is no need to worry about the morality of how your sexuality is being expressed.

As humans, we long for intense physical and emotional experiences that allow us to transcend our everyday limitations. Give yourself the gift of exploring the full potential of your erotic expression!

Active, Enthusiastic Consent

Consent is absolutely essential at every stage of kinky exploration. Without consent, kinky sex can quickly become abusive, and we know you don’t want to go anywhere near abuse. 

So what is consent? Far beyond saying “yes,” consent means active and enthusiastic participation. 

We’re going to show you how to negotiate and mutually agree to everything that will happen during your kinky sex play ahead of time, so you go into your explorations with mutual consent in place. But that doesn’t mean it ends there! 

We’ll also show you how to agree on a set of safe words so that either one of you can slow down or end your explorations at any point during your play. But that still isn’t enough. 

To truly be consensual, sex must take place in a pressure free environment where there are not negative consequences if you want to change your mind midway.

Let’s imagine that you have negotiated a spanking scene. 

You’ve discussed the details and you are both excited. You’ve cleaned the house, arranged a babysitter and you are in the mood for fun. You get started, you are both feeling hot and sexy and everything feels great. Until it doesn’t. For whatever reason, the spanking just isn’t feeling right. 

Your body isn’t responding and you aren’t getting aroused. What happens then?

Without an agreement of active consent in place, you may feel guilty about asking to stop. You may let it go on longer than you want to out of fear of hurting your lover’s feelings. You may endure and then feel angry or resentful later. Your partner will notice and feel confused about what they did wrong.

You’ll avoid future spanking scenes out of fear of repeating a negative experience. 

With an active consent agreement in place, you’ll feel comfortable asking your partner to stop. Or, your lover will notice that you aren’t responding as you usually do and stop to check in. You’ll trust that nothing bad will come out of asking to stop. 

Once you stop, you can take a moment together and then switch activities. Maybe you’ll curl up together and cuddle. Maybe you’ll start making out and have great sex. Maybe you’ll find another kinky activity you want to try instead. 

You’ll stay connected, stay in the pleasure zone and build trust. When you try spanking again, you won’t be afraid and maybe you’ll have an amazing time.

Active consent makes a huge difference over the lifespan of your sex life. 

Don’t worry about consent taking the spontaneity out of your sex life.

Consent is sexy – what is hotter than knowing your lover is completely ready and eager to play with you? 

To make sure your play is fully consensual at every stage, we’re going to ask you to make an agreement, with one another and with us. With this agreement firmly in place, you don’t have to waste energy wondering if your lover is enduring anything. You can both relax knowing you will slow down or stop whenever needed. 

The Pleasure Mechanics Consent Agreement For Kinky Play Time

• If, at any moment, I am not enjoying what is happening, I will safeword. 
• If, at any moment, I feel overwhelmed, confused or scared, I will safeword. I will check in or stop the scene all together.
• If, at any moment, I notice that my lover feels distant or disconnected, I will check in or stop the scene all together. 
• I will always honor our mutual willingness to explore, and never humiliate or punish my lover for slowing down or stopping.

Is there anything else that would help you feel safer as you start exploring together?

Celebrate that you are going on this adventure together, and if you can make this agreement, seal it with a kiss!

Recap: Great Kinky Communication

• Be specific and honest about what it is about spanking you find hot and what you want to experience
• Name specific kinds of erotic energy you want to play with
• Be clear if the scene will include or will be followed by erotic stimulation
• Set a safe word that means “slow down” and another that means “STOP”
• Discuss any specific boundaries that will help you enjoy the experience

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A Sexplanation is a new documentary, hitting the film festival circuit now, that offers a joyful exploration of what’s happening with sex education in North America, and the very personal impact of the past 40 years of abstinence only sex education in schools.

Going far beyond the classroom, Alex embarks on an epic journey into answering his own questions – and in doing so brings us a thrilling and powerful conversation about shame and guilt, fantasy and desire, connection, identity and belonging.

For full film release information, clips and more, visit the film’s online home:  A Sexplanation

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