Pleasure Mechanics

Lust, Love and Attachment: Helen Fisher on The Nature of Love

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Lust, Love and Attachment :: Free Podcast Episode

In this podcast, leading love researcher shares the difference between lust, love and attachment. She uncovers the nature of these three different circuits associated with love and challenges our assumptions about “happily ever after” relationships. Hit the “play” button above to reveal the truth about how humans are wired for lust, love and attachment. Check out Helen Fisher’s book Why We Love for more on the nature of love.

This podcast challenges our notions of what is normal and natural in love.

We have concrete scientific evidence here from a well respected researcher that your relationship isn’t broken if the mutual passion has waned. In fact there is some biological inevitability that this will happen over time. Additionally there is nothing wrong with you if you feel passion for a coworker even though you love your partner. It is scientifically confirmed that lust and romance are not the same. So is it really ok if you feel love for your partner and intense attraction for another?

What matters is what you choose to do about having any kind of feelings outside of your primary relationship. This is up to you and your ethics, values and ideals, but having the feelings is very natural and normal. To have feelings for someone other than whom you are technically devoted to does not mean there is anything wrong with your relationship, it is just how we humans are wired.

So many of us feel tortured by this reality of experiencing different levels of passion or excitement for different people at various points in our lives. What happens if we didn’t see these feelings as problematic but made peace with what is and then go on and decide on the choices you want to make. My hope is some of you will experience a bit more freedom within yourself so you can be more present with enjoying your erotic life instead of wishing for something else.

We have spoken in other podcasts about how to keep long term relationships exciting. We emphasize that you need to keep life interesting by doing new stimulating things together in and out of the bedroom. We will fully admit that we love reading the same advice we give regularly in this highly respected author’s book. We think we all need to keep hearing this hopeful, practical piece of advice until we are really putting it into action.

Our challenge to you this week if you are in a long term relationship where excitement has waned a bit (or if you wish to take preventative steps!) is to consider what kind of excitement and novelty will you introduce into your relationship to increase your excitement in life, and thus with each other.

Remember if you want to explore novelty in the bedroom check out our erotic mastery courses. These online, multimedia courses guide you in mastering new erotic skills to experience more orgasmic pleasure, skill and confidence.

Ask For What You Want In Bed

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Ask For What You Want In Bed :: Free Podcast Episode

How To Ask For What You Want In Bed

For many people, talking about sex is difficult. In this podcast episode (hit the play button at the top of the page to listen!) we share strategies for confidently talking about sex and fearlessly asking for what you want in bed.

Before you start making explicit requests in bed, get comfortable talking about sex as a casual conversation. When you are taking a walk, driving in the car, hanging out after dinner, or any other time you are relaxed and alone, introduce a topic that gets you talking about sex!

Ways To Introduce Conversations About Sex:

  • “I read an article about ______. Have you heard of that before?”
  • “My friends were talking about someone who liked _____ in bed. Would you ever try something like that?”
  • Who did you learn about sex from?
  • What did your parents teach you about sex?
  • Do you have a favorite sex scene from a movie?
  • What celebrity did you have a crush on as a teenager?

As you get more comfortable talking about sex, be sure to explore your Peak Erotic Experiences.

Once you feel at ease talking about sex in general, you can start making requests about what you want more of in the bedroom.

Remember to frame these conversations as an invitation rather than an accusation. You are asking your lover to explore more pleasure, connection and arousal together, not challenging their skills as a lover.

Get Specific When Asking For What You Want

Make specific, attainable requests. The more specific the better.

Instead of “I need more foreplay” try “I would love more full body touch to warm me up.”

Instead of “I am so bored with our routine” try “Can I try giving you an erotic massage sometime?”

Instead of “I wish you were rougher with me” try “I love feeling how powerful you are. It would be really hot if you held my arms down and kissed me hard.”

Frameworks For Erotic Requests:

  • “I love it when you…”
  • “I would love it if you…”
  • “I’ve been fantasizing about you…”
  • “Can we try something new? I’ve been wondering about…”
  • “I want to slow down and enjoy this, can we take our time?”
  • “I love feeling your hands on my _____. Can you do more of that?”
  • “I can’t stop thinking about how sexy it is when you ______”

New Paths To Pleasure

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New Paths To Pleasure :: Free Podcast Episode

We recently received an email from a podcast listener about getting out of limiting habits during masturbation and sex. Here’s the email:

Hi there, I recently discovered the podcast and hope you might be able to help me on an issue.

My wife really only orgasms when her legs are locked tight together.  There have been a couple of exceptions when she has orgasmed while straddling me and using a toy.

I’d like for her to be able to orgasm with legs spread to allow for a variety of positions.  I have read, using the wonderful world of Google (sarcastic), that this would just take practice.  Supposedly, leg locking was what she learned at a young age.

I’d like to know if practice would really affect this.  I don’t want to encourage her to change something that can’t be changed.  I’d hate for her to feel like she is doing something wrong!

Do you have any guidance or could perhaps point me in a direction for reliable information

Thank you so much!

In this podcast episode (simply hit the “play” button at the top of this page to listen in!) you’ll find out:

  • how to retrain your body to become orgasmic in more positions
  • how nerve endings respond to stimulation and establish neural pathways over time
  • how to explore new sensations during masturbation by changing up your:
    • positions
    • strokes
    • parts you stimulate
    • mental fantasies
  • why you don’t need to give anything up to expand your repertoire

Erotic Improv: Make Mistakes Please

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We learn about sex from a huge range of sources. From anatomy manuals to Victorian housekeeping manuals, our shelves are packed with books that have given us unexpected insight into human sexuality.

One unexpected source of sex lessons is Improv Wisdom by Patricia Ryan Madson. She is a drama teacher at Stanford University and a leader in the world of improvisational comedy. This book is a little gem of life lessons that she has gleaned from the world of improv.

When you think about it, sex is improvisational. It is a call and response, in the moment act of creativity. Maybe that is why it is so scary sometimes.

How would you react if I told you that you were getting on stage to do improv comedy tonight? Most people would freak out.

Why do we panic? We are afraid of making mistakes and looking foolish. This is the same worry that holds us back in bed.

From Improv Wisdom:

“There is a sign in my classroom that reads, “If you are not making mistakes, you are not doing improv.” Mistakes are your friends, our partners in the game. They are necessary. Making mistakes is how we function. We don’t consider them as something to be avoided; they are part of our operating system. The tenth maxim invites us to jump into the world of “oops” with both feet. You will have some adventures.

It may take some getting used to. Mistakes have a bad rap, and nobody likes making them. We imagine rows of stern-faced judges throwing up low scores every time we take a misstep or flounder. “Fortunately,” my husband remarked, “there are no Olympic judges watching our lives.” We need to start a revolution to celebrate the good that can come from seeing mistakes as natural.

When I say, “Make mistakes, please,” what I really want is for you to do something risky, where mistakes are possible (and likely) and to proceed boldly.

We hear from so many people who are terrified of making mistakes in bed.

They hold back out of fear of doing something wrong and looking foolish. Many people resist trying anything new in bed out of fear of doing it wrong or goofing up.

The fear of making mistakes and appearing foolish in front of our lovers is one of the biggest things holding us back from exploring new realms of sexuality. Especially areas that are new or unknown to us.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this recently as I put the finishing touches on our new course. The new course is a guided adventure into the world of kinky sex. It takes place over 25 date nights and invites couples into many totally new experiences. As I design each date night and share kinky sex techniques I always strive to make them fool proof, to create the best possible odds of a highly pleasurable and sexy experience.

And, part of my hope with the Kinky Sex Mastery Course is that you will laugh together, that you will find totally new areas of sexuality to explore together, and in doing so will discover new highs of pleasure but also make a mistake or two – and in doing so, build your communication, your trust and your intimacy. In fact, I built into the course strategies for communication that demand something more than “that was great honey” but get you talking about what could have made it even better, what your body wanted but didn’t get – so the next time you play together you’ll have an even better experience. This is the only way to an ecstatic sex life together.

Of course, there is no audience in most of our bedrooms. But there is an even harsher judge, omnipresent – our own self judgment.

We teach techniques that are designed to activate tons of pleasure, raise arousal and give you an incredible sexual experience.

You can master these skills, but that doesn’t mean you are doing it wrong if you don’t do it in one exact way. The beauty of erotic skills is they give you a touch vocabulary and then you make up your own story. Just like in language, there are endless varieties of expressions.

What does succeeding at sex look like?

  • Performing with Olympic precision, being judged for perfect strokes and low splash?
  • Or making erotic art with joy, pleasure and loving connection?

The trouble is, worrying about making mistakes takes you out of the present moment.

If you give yourself permission to make mistakes, get vulnerable and trust your partner will still love you, you can start enjoying more improvisational sex.

To get started with improvisational sex, pay attention to your touch and to your lovers responses. Follow your intuition and notice what feels good to you – often that is what feels best to your lover as well.

Be Mindful: Pay attention to what you are doing while you are doing it. For more on mindfulness during sex, check out episode on Mindful Sex, Episode #123

Remember there are no mistakes, just exploration. finding that moment of “just right” each time.

There are just a few absolute rules about erotic touch, and we will not be shy in telling you all about them. But once you master the essential erotic touch techniques, you can start feeling free in improvisational sex. You can start trusting your hands and getting creative.

One of my favorite moments during sex is when we are both completely present in the moment, and it feels like our souls meet at the point of touch. I am not thinking about specific strokes or techniques, my hands are just moving and I can feel the arousal building, like an ocean tide, each wave bigger than the next. Then we are submerged, swimming in orgasmic release, and we don’t know which way is up. When we finally wash up on the shore, catching our breath, bodies tangled like seaweed, filled up with love.

What does your best sex moment feel like? Are you willing to risk making a mistake to get there? What if you find out that there are no judges, that you can be free to be fully yourself and express your eroticism with creativity and spontaneity?

If that feels far away, what would it take to get there?

As you reflect on these questions I’d love to hear your thoughts. Write to me at chris@pleasuremechanics.com or come over to PM.com and contact us through the site.