Podcast — Page 16 — Pleasure Mechanics

Have A Good Ask In Bed

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How do you ask for what you want in bed? Do you wait around hoping your partner will know what you want? Do you send out subtle signals of sexual willingness- only to feel rejected when your partner doesn’t get the message?

We ALL need to develop the skills of naming authentic desires and inviting other people to share in our pleasures. True seduction is an invitation – it is not a request of a NEED but rather an invitation to share a WANT, a LONGING.

Here is how to invite your partner to share more pleasure with you – no matter how simple or elaborate your sexual desire. It’s our formula for a good ask in bed every time.

This framework is loosely inspired by “Have A Good Ask” by partnership coach Alison Armstrong. You can find her work here.

While most people acknowledge that they are afraid of getting a ‘NO,’ we don’t talk enough about how hesitant we are to follow up a ‘YES.’ People wonder if putting pressure on folks to do what they committed to might ‘ruin it,’ causing the person to withdraw their ‘Yes.’ Or might it make them hesitant to ever say ’Yes’ again if you’re actually going to expect them to deliver? Can you see how this would leave us with just the hope and prayer that people will come through – without any real power or certainty? — Alison Armstrong

Alison Armstrong offers the model of asking for what you need with increasing levels of pressure and urgency- she calls it AIDE:

Ask
Insist
Demand
Enforce

Her model is learning how to make an ask that is specific and clear – and then use a consistent and reliable increase in pressure to hold the other person accountable for their “yes”

Alison Armstrong’s “A Great Ask” uses this framework:

I need _____ – simple statement
Getting this done would look like: ____ – what, when, how often, by when
It would provide _____ – what would this give, allow, enable
What do you need to give me what I am asking for?

For sexual requests, we need a model that doesn’t frame a request as a NEED and that allows your partner to freely opt in to sharing that pleasure with you. It could be a hug or an elaborate kinky sex scene: every act of erotic intimacy requires some communication about desire and an “ask” – an invitation to play together.

Here is our best acronym! DISC(O?)

Desire (I am interested and willing)
Invite and Offer (Are you interested and willing?)
Seduce (Here’s a taste! Want more?)
Consent / Initiate (We’re doing this!)
Optimize! (How can we make this even better for both of us!)

For a treasure trove of free resources to optimize YOUR sexual experience, enroll in our free course Erotic Essentials.

Stop Asking THIS Question

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There is one question that can be a total mood killer in bed.

When women hear this question, they suddenly feel like they need to switch into caretaker mode and protect his fragile ego.

This question can drain all the eroticism out of the experience.

Guys, eliminate this question: Does that feel ok?

While you are at it, purge all of these questions: Is that ok? Does that feel good? Was that good for you?

While seemingly harmless, these questions drive women crazy – and not in a good way. They are bids for validation. They are asking women to tell men “yes, you are good enough” and “yes, you are man enough” in veiled language. These questions are rarely really about women’s pleasure – they are covering up sexual insecurity.

But we know how important erotic communication is – so what are better questions to ask? How can men replace caretaking with confidence?

In this episode, we talk all about the RIGHT questions to ask during sex, and how to develop the skills that will bring you authentic sexual confidence.

Sex Lab!

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Are you ready for a Sex Lab?

The sex lab is a playful space where you can try new sexual activities, build new sexual skills, dip into new kinks or try on new erotic personas – without all the pressure of creating a full sexual experience.

When athletes train, they do drills. They practice without the pressure of a full game experience. We need to do the same in our sex lives, to create the time to build sexual skills and conduct erotic experiments without pressure or anxiety.

Here are just a few things you might want to explore in a Sex Lab:

- - New sensation (spanking, scratching, featherlight touch, temperature play)
  - New toy (browse a great sex toy store like SheVibe and let your excitement guide the way!)
  - New erotic persona (roleplaying, power play)
  - New sexual activities (butt play, couples massage, prostate stimulation, bondage)
  - New positions (and not just for intercourse)

To try a sex lab, follow these steps:

Talk to your lover about what you want to try out. What sexual experience do you want to explore next?
Pick ONE small skill or piece of the experience to experiment with. For example, if you are interested in exploring bondage, JUST try on the cuffs and play with that element. Do NOT try out multiple things (bondage, roleplaying, sex while in bondage) all at once! Isolate your variables!
Set aside 20-45 minutes to experiment. Keep it friendly, playful and experiment with the spirit of curiosity. You aren’t trying to have a full sexual experience!
After your sex lab is complete, TALK about what happened. What felt good? What was exciting? What felt scary or unpleasant? Communicate with kindness and avoid reacting with harshness or judgment.
Integrate what worked into your sex life, or figure out what you need to explore more of before incorporating it into your sex life together.
Pick a new experiment for your next sex lab!
If you want expert guidance in your sex labs, enroll in our Erotic Mastery Online Courses for stroke-by-stroke guides!

Here is the email that inspired this episode:

I am a 36 year old woman and have been with my husband for almost ten years. We have a decent sex life, but it is just boring. We do the same five things every time, almost always in the same order. I have orgasms and everything, but I am just not excited by it. I try to bring in new things, but when I do my husband gets really anxious and goofy, cracking jokes and totally getting me out of the mood. Help! I can’t deal with the idea of a lifetime of the same sex over and over again

Jealousy, Arousal and Anxiety

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Sexual jealousy has a big impact on arousal and erection. For some people, sexual jealousy can be a huge turn-on, and these people can harness jealousy and turn it into arousal. Other people feel jealousy as anger and can get dangerously violent when they feel jealous. Some people get anxious and ashamed when they experience jealousy and these feelings shut down arousal and erection.

All of these experiences – sexual arousal, anger and anxiety are all upregulations of the nervous system, interpreted in different ways by different individuals.

In this podcast episode, we share what you need to know about sexual jealousy and how it can impact your arousal and erections. If you’ve ever been burdened by sexual jealousy, this episode will reveal new strategies you can use to either overcome jealousy or harness it and make it work for you!

You may also be interested in these podcast episodes:

Here is the email from a listener that inspired this episode:

I want to start off by sharing my experiences if arousal panic, which I have because of jealousy. Me and my girlfriend got together because she slept with somebody else. It was only then that I realized that she means much more to me than just the casual sex we had before, and I fought for her.

Sometimes during or before sex I get flashbacks to that moment and it feels so intense, imagining that she not only slept with somebody but possibly enjoyed it. That the way she moans or breathes or moves her hips, she did for somebody else.

We were not together, and I even ignorantly of my own yet unknown feelings encouraged her to explore others. So she did nothing wrong, but thinking of this I cannot relax. And not being able to relax and let yourself go is a death sentence for maintaining or achieving an erection.

What I did as a solution was very very hard and took a lot of jumping over an abyss of insecurity, when I just told her plainly what I felt.

Now, when I get into that state, I try focusing on her and why I love her and want to make love to her. She of course notices and she tells me she loves only me, and wants Me. Then, I start to feel safe again and our sex is great.

The solution is therefore not centered on myself, but on us. After all, we do this together. Opening up to her, brought us closer together, and the sex became even more intimate and believe it or not – wild.

This I wanted to share, in the hope of encouraging men to tell their partners about their anxieties. It is a strength.

Intimacy Issues

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Intimacy is one of those words that has lost it’s meaning – and it is time to excavate the meaning of intimacy and see where it fits in the complicated reality of human sexuality.

In this episode, we investigate the meaning of “intimacy” and propose a more deliberate and meaningful use of the word. What does intimacy really mean? How does it play out in all of our relationships? When we want more sexual intimacy, how do we get it? What happens when we don’t want to be intimate?

Intimacy is sometimes understood as “in-to-me-see” – is this a useful concept? If so, who do we want to let in – and what conditions do we need to create in order to make that safe?

In this episode we take a candid look at the concept of intimacy and reveal it to be much more than a euphemism for sex!