Pleasure Mechanics

Desire, Libido and Wanting To Want

“I just want to want again”

We’ve heard this from so many people over the years!

Many people want to increase their sexual desire. Loss of desire is very common and, thankfully, something you can take control of.

Desire is complex terrain, and we are here for you in the complicated conversations! The best way to explore with us is to join our inner circle membership community, The Pleasure Pod and start engaging with our resources so you can take action in your daily life.

One of our members-only resource pods features all of our best resources about desire, fantasy and arousal so you can quickly find the guidance you need to start exploring!

Podcast Episodes About Desire, Libido and Wanting

https://open.spotify.com/episode/5mdyRIirxgIfAfSVjsiJdb?si=yeWgAwvGSjCeqazryTPATg
https://open.spotify.com/episode/5h3fVAS83Mf5bAQYteyUnV?si=0Kibln08Srq9NbpbTuN6Vw

What Is Blocking Your Desire?

If you aren’t feeling as much sexual desire as you wish, the first thing to get real about is how much stress is getting in the way of your desire. Stress is highly toxic, and many people find that the more stressed out they are, the less sexual desire they feel. This makes sense, as the body shifts it’s resources to manage stress and away from the less essential systems. If you suspect stress is killing your libido, start with couples massage. Sharing massage with your lover is an amazing way to connect with your lover, melt away stress and get back in touch with pleasure.

It is also important to get real about what else might be blocking your sexual desire. Is there resentment or regret clouding your relationship? Is there anything you need to clear up between you and your lover so you can feel ready to be intimate and vulnerable together. If you do fine and get aroused while fantasizing about strangers, but can’t seem to get interested in sex with your lover, work on your relationship before worrying about your own libido!

True Desire Is For What Is Sustainable and Nourishing

Of course, desire can go haywire and turn into compulsive cravings and addictions. That is not true desire. True desire is for that which pleasures our body and soul in a long-term, sustainable way.

What desires do you allow yourself? Notice all the places in your life you have desire and don’t allow it.

Fantasy Vs. Desire: Discover The Crucial Difference!

Desire is not the same as fantasy. It is easy to fantasize about things that you do not truly desire. Fantasy is the realm of the erotic imagination, where anything is possible. Desire is that which you actually want more of in your life. Our guide on Erotic Communication uncovers the crucial difference between fantasy and desire and guides you in naming your authentic desires so  you can have the sex life you really want.

In this culture, we are taught to desire consumer goods and foods – but not some of the more satisfying things in life (fulfillment, touch, intimacy, freedom.) Learning to authentically name your desires is the first step towards creating the sex life that will fulfill you.

It All Starts With Desire… Right?

Desire is the craving for an experience. Sexual desire is one of the most mysterious of all human experiences. Science has yet to account for what creates desire, the range of desire between individuals or all the factors that either build or drain the experience of sexual desire. 

There is one big secret about sexual desire, however, that can change the way you approach sex all together. 

All great sex doesn’t begin with desire. 

Most people assume that desire comes first, and then sex happens. Women especially are made to feel inadequate if they are not in the mood for sex or ready to initiate sex out of the blue. Many women worry that their libido has disappeared, or that they have no sex drive to speak of. 

But the truth is, lots of great sex starts before both people are feeling totally “in the mood!” 

To understand this phenomenon, it is important to recognize that there is not just one kind of sexual desire! 

Spontaneous Vs. Responsive Desire

There are two general kinds of sexual desire: Spontaneous Desire and Responsive Desire. Spontaneous Desire happens when something internal triggers your desire to have sex, and your body responds with excitement or anticipation. Responsive Desire happens when your lover has already initiated sexual connection and you find yourself responding positively and getting in the mood. 

Traditionally it is thought that men experience more Spontaneous Desire and women are more prone to Responsive Desire. We believe that we are all capable of both, and that there is a lot of benefit in being aware of your capacity for both. 

If you find yourself thinking about sex, follow your thoughts and see where they lead. Fantasizing is a great way to get yourself in the mood! 

Equally, if your partner flirts with you or initiates sex, consider the possibility that it might feel great even if you are not immediately in the mood. Choose to move towards the connection rather than deny it right away. This works especially well when you have made the agreement we spoke about earlier, that not every sexual connection will end with intercourse. With this agreement in place, you can choose to meet your lover in their moment of desire and then pay attention to what your body wants, authentically follow your turn-on and honor one another’s needs and desires in the moment. This is another reason we love massage. Even if you are tired and worn out, massage can be enough to prime your pump and get you in the mood for more erotic connection. 

Responsive Desire is a powerful force. When your lover initiates an erotic connection, you can choose to give it a few minutes and see what happens. If you still find yourself not in the mood, you have at least shared a few minutes of good energy together. Or, you may find yourself heating up and ready for much more than you would have imagined! A win-win scenario.

To be clear: we do NOT recommend doing anything sexual when you are not authentically in the mood. This is especially true for any kind of penetrative sex. It is, however worth exploring the idea that you can be physically intimate and connect if you aren’t yet in the mood, and give your body and mind some time to connect the dots. Then communicate with your partner about what you are authentically interested in doing that moment. 

Erotic Breast Touch

Question::

I’ve been with my partner for nearly 3 years now and I enjoy our sex life lots. We have a laugh and enjoy ourselves but sometimes he will start to play with my breasts and I’ll push him away and not like it, it’s not that I dislike him playing and I know he’s turned on when he does and it will turn me on too but I sometimes get a fright when he starts doing it randomly and it makes me a little uncomfortable and now he has stopped playing with them altogether recently and so I’m wondering what to do.  Please help x Nikki

Answer:: 

Hey Nikki,

Thanks for being in touch. Tell me more about what you mean by “sometimes get a fright when he starts doing it randomly”
Many women have complex feelings about breast touch – not only because it feels different according to time of the month and how aroused you are, but also because they have been touched so poorly so many times in our life. It often feels like our lovers are touching our breasts for _their_ pleasure rather than to pleasure us! So know that you are not alone.
Often, men go straight for the nipple, which can also be uncomfortable. And once there, they just pinch it!
These are all the reasons we made our video guide on Breast Massage – so lovers can learn a wide range of ways to touch the breasts, warm up before touching the nipple, and stimulate the nipples with more creativity. Perhaps you want to grab a copy and watch it together as a way of having a conversation about how you want your breasts to be touched in the future!
Cheers,
Chris

Nearly 40% of Women Report Intercourse Without Warm-Up

As we read through the newly-released sexual survey by Indiana University’s Center for Sexual Health Promotion, we are finding many statistics that make us even more committed to sharing our techniques of sexual pleasure. It is clear from the data that while Americans are enjoying a more varied sex life than we were just 20 years ago, there is a lot of room for improvement when it comes to sexual pleasure and fulfillment.

Here is one data set that we have a lot to say about: “in all age cohorts, the largest proportion of men and women reported having engaged solely in PVI [Penis-Vaginal Intercourse] (32.9% men, 39.0% women). Contrast that with only about 6% of participants reporting that they combined “partnered masturbation” (what we affectionately refer to as Handjobs and Fingering) with intercourse. To add insult to injury, the study reports that “for women and men, the presence or absence of partnered masturbation was not associated with orgasm.”

We are dismayed that nearly 40% of women reported intercourse alone with no warm-up or foreplay activities. Solo masturbation, oral sex or stimulation with fingers is an essential part of lovemaking. Intercourse without warm-up can lead to pain during intercourse, lack of lubrication, lack of arousal and inability for the woman to experience an orgasm during intercourse. Most women want and crave more foreplay – so why are all of these couples having intercourse alone with no other arousing activities?

We know that, with skill and confidence, stimulation with hands is one of the most reliable ways to bring a woman to orgasm. With your hands, you can stimulate every part of a woman’s sexual anatomy, fine-tune your stimulation to match her arousal, create a wide range of sensations and bring women to powerful and multiple orgasms. The hands are the most dexterous and sensitive tools we have to stimulate our lover. Skipping ahead to intercourse without warming up with pleasurable touch is a wasted opportunity – women are much more likely to have orgasms during intercourse if they have already climaxed, or brought very close to climax, before being penetrated. Oral sex is great – but it is even better when it is combined with touch and penetration with skilled fingers.

So why does this massive study of 5,865 men and women not reflect the pleasurable potential of the hands? Why are men and women skipping stimulation with their hands all together? How is it that being touched by your lover is not a predictor of orgasm during a sexual encounter? Perhaps it is because our culture has lost the sexual skills of erotic touch. We do not learn how to use our hands to touch our lover, how to bring our lover to multiple orgasms with our hands and fingers. Unless you dedicate thousands of dollars and months of your life to go to massage school, there are few options to learn how to touch with skill. Our video guides are dedicated to sharing what we learned in professional massage training and our somatic sexology certification with men and women all around the world.

We believe hands can be powerful tools of pleasure, opening up new realms of arousal and orgasm, if we learn how to use them. We hope that as our erotic techniques spread across the country, more men and women will include erotic touch as part of foreplay and lovemaking – and perhaps the next national survey will have new data to report on the orgasmic potential of Americans.

Top Ten Ways Pleasure Can Save Your Life!

Pleasure is often thought about as being selfish, greedy, or hedonistic. We believe in making Pleasure a Priority. Pleasure does not just happen to us – we must actively choose to cultivate pleasure in our individual lives and in our relationships.

Pleasure is healthy, makes us feel happier, more alive, and gives us energy to fuel our days. We believe that being fulfilled with pleasure makes us better partners, parents, friends and coworkers.

And, we believe Pleasure can SAVE your life. Literally.

Here are 10 reasons why:

#10 – The autonomic nervous system controls the heart, the smooth muscles around your organs, and your glands. There are two modes – Sympathetic and Parasympathetic – Stress and Pleasure. Many adults stay stuck in the stress mode, which has devastating impact on your health. Experiencing pleasure counteracts the impact of stress and gives your body the chance to heal.

#9 – Pleasure is essential for your heart health. Pleasure activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which calms the heart rate, lowers blood pressure and stimulates production of healthy hormones that are highly beneficial to heart health.

#8 – Every experience of pleasure activates your immune system, providing a measurable and enduring boost to your body’s natural defenses. A single moment of pleasure can boost your immune response for up to 6 hours.

#7 – Pleasurable touch alleviates depression. If you are feeling depressed, and are touched or cuddled, your blood chemistry can change in as little as one millionth of a second – the brain instantly responds to pleasurable touch with a flood of endorphins. Studies have shown that many chronically depressed people are also touch starved.

#6 – Experiencing pleasure makes you feel loved. Feeling loved and emotionally secure is essential for the overall health of mammals. Study after study shows that emotional bonds and physical contact allow mammals to thrive. Studies with infants have shown that touch and love are biological needs on par with food and water.

#5 – The first five ways pleasure can save your life are all about the physical health benefits of pleasure. These health benefits should not be underestimated – more and more medical studies are confirming that pleasure, relaxation and love may be the best cure for what ails us. But we all know that quality of life is measured by much more than physical health. Pleasure is what makes our lives worth living.

#4 – Many long-term relationships and marriages end because of a lack of pleasure. Most love relationships prioritize shared pleasure in the beginning, but over the years, stress, responsibilities and duties tend to eclipse pleasure. By creating a culture of pleasure in relationships, and making it a priority to share pleasure in all forms, long term relationships can thrive.

#3 – We believe that being in tune with your authentic desires and pleasure leads to a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction with your life. Unfulfilled desires leads to resent and regret – the toxic twins that can make you feel like you wasted time, or lived a life of someone else’s making.

#2 – We all have a unique constellation of pleasures. Our pleasures and desires are part of what makes us who we are, and we often establish our communities around shared pleasures. Paying attention to what gives you pleasure will allow you to know yourself, and build more meaningful relationships and communities.

#1 – What are you truly passionate about? What kind of pleasure lights you up, make you feel completely alive? By locating peak moments of pleasure from our past and paying attention to new passions as they emerge, we can choose to live a more passionate life.

Making pleasure a priority can bring your body back into balance, counteracting the deadly effects of stress, and may literally save your life. And, pleasure will make you happier and more fulfilled – so you can be sure that the life you save is worth living.

Explore Your Arousal

To Explore Your Arousal: Make a Map, Then Get a GPS

Sexologists and sex educators often draw the cycle of an orgasm as a line chart – making sexual pleasure look more like a financial report than an erotic experience. While arousal and sensations are by no means a linear path – these charts can be useful to draw your attention to the patterns of your arousal.

Conventional wisdom says that women need a longer warm-up stage, a smooth and gradual uphill climb towards arousal and orgasm. Once there, women might have several orgasms, the top of their chart looking like a mountain range. Then, a nice downhill descent towards afterglow. Men, it is traditionally believed, have a sharp uphill climb – turned on by just about anything, one dramatic climactic peak and then a sharp fall downhill towards a soft penis and sleep. We’ve all seen these charts and perhaps experienced a similar arousal pattern.

If your arousal and orgasm are indeed a terrain of peaks and valleys – and if you were indeed able to chart your actual arousal, what would that chart look like? Would it be the same time after time, or dramatically different each time?

We propose a two-tooled system of exploring your own unique terrain of arousal. First, make a map. Getting to know a familiar path of arousal and climax is an excellent idea. It is a powerful thing to know what turns you on, what kind of touch stimulates you, how to reach climax most reliably, and what kind of afterglow you like best. Once you have it, you can show your map to your lover and give them the confidence to arouse you and satisfy you.

Arousal is a journey, an adventure – not a trip to the grocery store. Once you know your “sure thing” orgasm and have your map in your pocket, go off trail. Explore. But bring a GPS! With a GPS, you always know where you are and how to get where you want to go. This allows highway and byway exploring and spontaneous adventure.

For sex, your GPS is your awareness and attention. By choosing to pay attention to your arousal, mapping it into new terrain, you can play with new sensations and still know that you can find your way back to arousal and orgasm. You can begin learning new sexual techniques and skills, without the risk of giving up what already works for you.

If your lover tries something totally new – like scratching your inner thighs, giving you a foot massage, or (gasp!) suggesting something like prostate massage – you can try something new and simply pay attention. Do you like it? Does it take you closer or further away from climax? Or into another realm all together? Harder or lighter? What if they lightly stroked your thigh instead? What gets you off? What do you NEVER need to try again? Exploring is only fun when you are confident about how to get back home – to your trusted pleasures – when you need to.

As you approach orgasm, you can become aware of your own peaks and valleys – are you about to orgasm, what if you back away a bit, breathe deeply, and then begin building sensation again? With awareness and attention, you can explore the infinite variety of arousal and sensation available to you – and never get bored of traveling the same path to orgasm again and again. That map is always there for you should you want a clear and direct route – but for those days you want to travel and see the sites, simply pay attention and begin pioneering the unmapped terrains of your own sexuality.