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In this Just The Tip episode Charlotte talks about an idea presented in Dr. Marty Klein’s book Sexual Intelligence. The idea is that some of us deny experiencing certain pleasures not because of how they feel, but because of what that might mean about us.

This is an important idea to think about. Many of us have our own thoughts of what is and is not ok, decent or safe to do, and questioning those invisible assumptions that we all have is essential to an interesting fulfilling sex life that is actually yours. Meaning, most of the judgmental ideas we have integrated about what is normal and what is deviant and not ok for you to participate in are most often learned ideas that you have picked up from somewhere.

If you have any sexual activities that you think are not ok for you to participate in consider why. As Klein said there are two main reasons, one is that you are really just not interested in the activity which is totally fine. Having sexual boundaries is a fine and healthy thing, some activities may just not appeal right now (you have a lifetime of sex ahead so be open to the idea that your interests may change over time depending on your stages of life). The other reason for not being interested in certain sexual activities is because it MEANS something about you.

If you have any sexual activities that are off limits for you because a perceived meaning, think about where you learned that moral judgement. Who told you that it was wrong and whose morality are you trying to maintain? Most often it is your mother, father, grandparents, church or friends. And realize that you are essentially bringing them to bed with you and letting your perception of how they will judge you determine what you will and will not do in bed. You need to decide if that is what you want. Again, having boundaries and interests in bed is fine and healthy, but just have them come from you, rather than an outside arbitrary source of judgement. And know that you are lovable and desirable no matter how basic or wild and weird your sexual desires are. So often at the core of only doing what you perceive as normal and “right” is the fear that if we do something outside of that we will become unlovable and worthless as a human and of course no one wants that so we stay within very narrow limits. Challenge that idea and know that at a fundamental level you are lovable no matter what you are or are not into.

This process an important step in creating a sexuality that is yours. It is part of a sexuality detox, kicking imaginary voices out of your bed, and deciding what kind of sex YOU want to have. It is key to you having more freedom, pleasure and joy in bed. And we, The Pleasure Mechanics, want that for you.

“Hey darling, would you like a ten minute massage tonight?”

If those words sound like heaven, it is time to bring the pleasures of massage home. For many people, massage is one of the quickest ways to create full body relaxation and pleasure. Just a few minutes of massage can totally change your feeling state in your body, how you relate to your partner, and the quality of time you are sharing together.

We are so passionate about the power of massage we want you to experience the benefits of sharing massage right at home, anytime you choose. For over 10 years, our Couples Massage Mastery online course has trained lovers in sharing deep, satisfying pro-quality – check it out here.

Podcasts About The Power Of Couples Massage

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• Episode #061: Sexual Superhero Secrets Revealed!
• Episode #202: The Emotional Authenticity of Erotic Touch
• Episode #235: The Erotic Power of Couples Massage
• Episode #331: Too Stressed Out For Sex? Here’s How To Complete The Stress Cycle
  

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Tune in on: Spotify | RSS

The Most Common Sexual Fantasies

Countless surveys have confirmed the most common fantasies amongst men and women. Surprisingly, most fantasies arouse somewhere between 30-50% of men and women alike. We all pull from the same well of common sexual fantasies, but each have a unique constellation of turn-ons. In addition, there are countless sexual fantasies that arouse fewer people, but are very real for those who are turned on by more obscure interests.

The most common sexual fantasies are:

• Domination & Submission (Erotic Power Play)
• Bondage
• Spankings & Flogging (Intense Sensation Play)
• Threesomes or Group Sex
• Roleplaying
• Outdoor Sex
• Sex In Unusual Places
• Sex With Forbidden People (Erotic Roleplaying)

In the podcast on this page (hit the play button at the top of the page!) we explore how you can bring elements of these fantasies to life with your partner. The Kinky Sex Mastery Course is designed to guide you in exploring your sexual fantasies – while staying safe and protecting your relationship!

Sexual Fantasies Are NOT Desires

The difference between Fantasy and Desire is incredibly important to establish and maintain. Establishing this difference will give you more freedom to explore Fantasy and more confidence in naming your Desires. You’ll be more likely to know what you authentically want, and much more likely to make those Desires a reality.

We strongly urge you to maintain a very clear distinction between these terms, according to their dictionary definitions:

Fantasy:  the activity of imagining things, esp. things that are impossible or improbable

Fantasy is the realm where anything is possible, where you are free to imagine wild scenarios, extraordinary circumstances and superhuman powers.

Desire: a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.

Desires are those experiences that you find pleasurable and want more of in your actual life. Desires are specific elements from the world of fantasy and reality that you find fulfilling.

In Fantasy, anything is possible. The limits of reality do not apply. The bank account is endless, your health and safety are guaranteed. You are dropped into the blank slate of possibility, and the only limit is your imagination. In the realm of Fantasy, you can privately explore the outer limits without having to justify your thoughts to anyone, without any risk.

Something changes from a Fantasy to a Desire as soon as you want to make it real. Fantasies are not fulfilled – Desires are. Fantasies live in our imagination alone, Desires are part of our real physical lives. Pleasures may change from one category to the other over your lifetime, moving across the boundary as dictated by your life circumstance, physical abilities and your emotional and physical needs.

One of the very first steps in the Kinky Sex Mastery Course is to share some of your sexual fantasies and define your desires with your partner. This is the first step towards making elements of your sexual fantasies come to life in your actual erotic life.

Sexual Fantasy Is A Safe Zone

Humans use fantasy in just about every realm of life: from sci-fi alien stories to vampire romances, sports hero movies to war dramas. We actively seek out books, movies and shows that explore the fantasy of other worlds and extraordinary circumstances. Everyone has different kinds of fantasies they enjoy – one guy might be really into gory monster movies but flinch at war movies, and his buddy might be really into historical battle scenes but yawn at zombie flicks.

In most realms, we do not assign moral judgement to our fantasy lives – no one is concerned that all the people obsessed with vampire dramas are going to start drinking their lover’s blood. We give ourselves permission to enjoy the realm of fantasy, to experience the emotional catharsis of traveling into other realms in our imagination alone, and cherish the safety of the theater seat while we watch the bloody spectacle on screen.

When it comes to sexual fantasy, however, people tend to be a bit more tentative to give themselves permission to have an active and rich fantasy life. Many people experience guilt and shame over their fantasies, even those they never intend to make real. We somehow believe that our sexual fantasies say something about who we are as people, about our morals and characters. Think about it, more people are comfortable admitting that they enjoy brutal horror movies than that they enjoy a simple bondage fantasy. We know the horror flick doesn’t make us lunatic killers, so why does a bondage fantasy come with a moral judgement?

We believe this guilt and shame over the realm of sexual fantasy is a very sticky residue from our culture’s puritanical past. For thousands of years, our sexual behavior was under strict control by the institutions of church and state, and this control was so effective it even made us constrict and fear our erotic imagination. Whatever your religious position and personal sexual ethics dictate you do in real life, we believe the realm of fantasy should be without moral implications. This freedom is essential to allow yourself if you want to know yourself as a sexual being, free from guilt and shame.

Sexual Fantasy Makes Your Sex Life Is a Work of Art

Sexual fantasy is the creative force in your sex life. It is what allows you to go beyond the predictable, standard issue sexual experience. By bringing creativity and imagination to your sex life, you start crafting a sex life that is your own work of art.

Sexual fantasy demands your creativity and rewards you with a richer experience of your sexuality how you interact with the world around you.

Human beings are playful sexual creatures. No other animal in the world is as creative as we are when it comes to our mating rituals. We make love not only for procreation, not only for pleasure, but to express emotions and cement intimate relationships. Human sexuality is indeed an art form – and sexual fantasy is one of the most powerful ways to fuel you erotic creativity and begin designing a sex life that truly expresses your unique personality and fulfills your desires.

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