Pleasure Mechanics

In Sickness and In Health

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In this episode, we explore what it means to take care of your lover when sickness or illness strikes. In many of our wedding vows, we commit to loving one another “in sickness and in health, in good times and bad.” But what does this really look like in day to day life? And how does tending to one another lead to a better sex life in the long run?

In this episode we explore:

  • How can we receive and give care in hardest of times, most unsexy times?
  • What does partnership and kinship look like vs. relationship based on lust
  • When you are ill or injured and vulnerable can you ask for help?
  • How does it feel to offer love and devotion when you are the caregiver?
  • What does it mean to deal with your lover’s body in it’s most unerotic state?
  • How do  you then transition back return to an erotic relationship

The Reromanticizing Exercise

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Has the romance faded from your relationship? Want to feel those sparks of new romance again? Just want to feel more love and care in your life?

The Reromanticizing Exercise comes from the classic relationship guide Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. First published in 1988, this book has been a massive New York Times bestseller and a classic guide for relationship self-help and marital therapy. This simple yet effective exercise is a tool for getting clear about what kind of love you want to receive and how you can best give your partner the love they crave.

Harville and Helen Hendrix went on to develop Imago Therapy, used by tens of thousands of therapists all around the world. You can learn more about their work here.

You can get an audiobook copy of Getting The Love You Want for FREE with your free trial at Audible.com.

Here are the 5 basic steps for The Reromanticizing Exercise:

  1. Identify what your partner is already doing that pleases you. Make a list, being as specific as possible, completing this sentence: I feel loved and cared about when you…
  2. Recall the most romantic stage of your relationship and think about what you used to do but no longer do very often. Make a list, being as specific as possible, completing this sentence: I used to feel loved and cared about when you… 
  3.  Think about caring and loving behaviors that you have always wanted but have never asked for. Make a list, being as specific as possible, completing this sentence: I would like you to…
  4. Now combine your lists, and think about which gestures are most important to you. Label each behavior from 1-5, 1 being very important and 5 being least important.
  5. Share your list with your partner. Now aim to do 1-2 gestures for one another every day for 2 months.

You’ll find this and more relationship exercises in the book, Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.

Sexual Satisfaction

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23 Proven Strategies For Sexual Satisfaction

Want sexual satisfaction in a long term relationship? Want to keep passion alive for the long haul? For most of us these are clear goals, but what are the proven strategies to make it happen? A recent study published in The Journal of Sex Research reveals some answers. Hit play on the podcast above or read on to learn more about the study.

Ask yourself: Out of the following 17 behaviors and 6 communication strategies, what are you most eager to experience? What might you be willing to try out in the coming weeks?

Science Says Try This For Sexual Satisfaction:

  • exchange mini massages more regularly (Check out the Couples Massage course!)
  • talk about sex out loud (listen to our podcast together and talk about what comes up!)
  • take a shower or bath together
  • make a standing date night once or twice a month – give yourself something to look forward to!
  • go on a romantic getaway, even a day trip to a nearby town gets the novelty hormones flowing!
  • use a vibrator or sex toy together
  • try anal stimulation (Check out the Anal Sex Mastery course!)
  • watch ethical porn together – check out the stunning pay-what-you-want site Bellesa
  • talk about your fantasies
  • have sexual contact in a public place (without getting caught!)
  • try light kink (check out the Kinky Sex course!)
  • invite another person into bed with you (here’s How To Have A Threesome)

Communication Techniques For Sexual Satisfaction

  • learn how to ask for what you want in bed
  • praise partner about something they did in bed
  • ask for feedback on how something felt
  • call/e-mail/text to tease about doing something sexual
  • gently give feedback about how partner did something in bed
  • say “i love you” or laugh during sex

The research, led by David A. Frederick of Chapman University, was designed to look at sexual satisfaction in long term relationships. The study surveyed over 38,000 men and women who have been in a relationship for more than three years. The researchers used large mainstream websites to gather survey participants. The survey asked about sexual satisfaction in the first six months of a relationship in comparison to current sexual satisfaction, and then went on to take a look at what behaviors were most associated with reports of sexual satisfaction and passion in long term relationships.

The study revealed many interesting patterns about sexual satisfaction. The first was that sexually satisfied couples use a wider range of sex acts in the bedroom to stay interested and engaged with one another. The study asked about 17 different sex acts, and the satisfied couples had way more variety in their sex lives when compared to the dissatisfied couples.

“Sexual satisfaction and maintenance of passion were higher among people who had sex more frequently, received more oral sex, had more consistent orgasms, incorporated more variety of sexual acts, took the time to set a mood and practiced effective sexual communication,” said David Frederick, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychology at Chapman University and lead author of the study. “Almost half of satisfied and dissatisfied couples read sexual self-help books and magazine articles, but what set sexually satisfied couples apart was that they actually tried some of the ideas.”

The research revealed that sexually satisfied couples engaged in a wider variety of sexual behaviors, such as cuddling, gentle and deep kissing and laughing together during sexual activity; incorporated more acts of sexual variety such as trying new sexual positions or acting out fantasies; more frequently set a romantic or sexual mood such as lighting candles or playing music, and used communication effectively, such as saying “I love you” during sex or sending a sexually suggestive text earlier in the day. They also found that sexually satisfied men and women gave and received more oral sex, orgasmed more frequently, and had sex more frequently.

Another interesting finding was that both satisfied and dissatisfied people read about the same amount of sex advice in magazines and online – but the ones that actually act on the advice and try new things are the ones that report being more satisfied. Just like you won’t get physically fit by watching sports, you don’t gain sexual satisfaction just by reading advice or listening to a podcast! We can suggest new activities and strategies for you, but you’ll only benefit if you take action!

There is a two-way relationship between the behaviors that create sexual satisfaction and the feeling of being sexually satisfied. Do sexually satisfied couples try more novel acts in the bedroom, or does trying more novel acts make a couple more satisfied? The answer, clearly, is both are true.

Just like in other areas of life, behavior can change attitudes and beliefs. And, of course, changing your attitudes can change your behavior.

So why not try adopting some of the behaviors of sexually satisfied couples and see what happens?

This study points to one simple truth: staying curious and open in your sexual relationship is a proven way to create sexual satisfaction. And remember – you can’t just read sexual advice like the kind we offer here at PleasureMechanics.com – you have to take action! Go for it and report back to us about your own levels of sexual satisfaction and what you do to stay sexually satisfied in your long term relationship!

Source: David A. Frederick, Janet Lever, Brian Joseph Gillespie & Justin R. Garcia (2016): What Keeps Passion Alive? Sexual Satisfaction Is Associated With Sexual Communication, Mood Setting, Sexual Variety, Oral Sex, Orgasm, and Sex Frequency in a National U.S. Study, The Journal of Sex Research, DOI:10.1080/00224499.2015.1137854

How To Fall Deeper In Love

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Ready to fall deeper in love? Here is a simple process that promises profound results.

Scientists have succeeded in making two strangers fall in love in a lab by getting them to do this process. So what happens if you are already in a relationship and you do this practice? Would it help you fall deeper in love?

The process is simple: Answer 36 questions in about an hour. Then set a timer and look into each other’s eyes for 4 minutes. Then see how you both feel.

Here’s a little background information on the research behind this practice:

In Mandy Len Catron’s New York Times Modern Love essay, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” she refers to a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) that explores whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific series of personal questions. The 36 questions in the study are broken up into three sets, with each set intended to be more probing than the previous one.

“The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study’s authors, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.” Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.”

Some of the questions are:

  • What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
  • If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
  • Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

The 36 questions are designed to increase in levels of personal disclosure and thus intimacy as they progress.

We often forget to look at our partners anew, forget that we don’t know everything about them, even if we have been together for decades. When we remember that fact and choose to get intimate with each other’s minds and intentionally create vulnerability together, intimacy happens. From there, love can be present. The act of sharing information with your lover that you don’t often tell other people and discovering something new about yourself and each other can be fascinating and novel, which can create a new experience of intimacy and potentially love between you. Also, really paying attention to each other is intoxicating.

We dare you to create a Date Night around this, pour each other a glass of wine and take an hour or so and see what happens.

Find the “36 questions in love” here or as an app here