Pleasure Mechanics

Become A More Satisfied Mama with Dana B Myers

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Image of white woman with red curly hair, sitting comfortably and smiling warmly. Text reads Become A More Satisfied Mama with Dana B Myers, Speaking of Sex Podcast Episode # 348

Did becoming a parent change your erotic life? Of course it did! Kids change everything – your experience of your body, time, freedom, personal space and mental load will never be the same! As parents, our priorities change, and that keeps our species going. But kids don’t have to mean the end of your erotic life – as parents we can still choose to prioritize pleasure and connection with our partners – but it isn’t easy, and often takes a deliberate effort and framework to make it happen.

On this episode, the wonderful Dana B Myers joins us to talk about the process of reconnecting to our erotic lives as new parents. How do we give ourselves permission to take time and space away from our kids? How do we slay the mom guilt and focus on our own needs for half a minute? What dynamics with our partners help support a more sensual life – and what are the major roadblocks that get in the way?

More Resources On Sex & Parenting:

Becoming a parent changes all aspects of your life, forever – including your erotic life. There is no going back to a “pre-baby body” or the time and freedom you had with your partner before welcoming a child. There is no going back – but we CAN choose to move forward into a more joyful and playful relationship with our sensuality and sexuality.

Click here for a complete transcript of this episode.

Please note: links in the post are affiliate links, and if you enroll in Dana’s program she will share a portion of the sale with us. We are a sponsor-free, community supported educators and only share resources that we personally recommend and stand behind.

Surviving Sexless Seasons

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All relationships have sexless seasons – periods of time where there is little or no sexual connection –  here’s how to survive them so a sexless season doesn’t turn into a sexless marriage or breakup!

Sexless seasons happen for any number of reasons – injury, illness, work stress, family commitments, global events – and these reasons often have nothing to do with how much you love your partner or how attracted you are.

Sexless seasons can hijack an otherwise healthy relationship and create a downward spiral of disconnection – or they can serve to deepen your communication and trust so you are ready to reconnect when the time is right.

In this episode, we explore the steps and strategies involved in making it through a sexless season without anger or resentment.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

Couples Massage Mastery

Explicit Monogamy Agreements Podcast Episode

To explore more curated Pleasure Mechanics resources to quickly build your capacity for pleasure and erotic connection join the Pleasure Pod.

I Want Sex – But Not With My Spouse

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I Want Sex But Not With My Spouse : Free Podcast Episode
What happens when your sexual desire is alive and well – but you don’t want sex with your spouse? The one person you are supposed to have sex with is not the one lighting up your fantasies, and you may even experience repulsion or disgust at the idea of sex with your partner. First, remember you are not alone. This is a very common experience and it is totally normal in a long term relationship.

In this podcast we pull apart this complicated question and suggest action steps for figuring out how to proceed in your marriage when you want sex – but not with your spouse. This is part two of a podcast series – make sure to listen to part one, Episode #230: Sex Out Of Obligation.

First, reflect on how you arrived at the crossroads of wanting sex, but not with your partner? Perhaps it started with fantasy – most people have active sexual fantasies about people other than their long term partners. There is nothing wrong with fantasizing about other people, but is important to notice if these fantasies are taking you deeper into your sexual experience or taking you out of it. Never endure sex out of obligation – for more on sex out of obligation click here for podcast episode 230 where we explore that topic in great detail.

Maybe you’ve gone through a dry spell and find yourself in a sexless marriage. Again, this is a very common experience and it is important to know that periods without marital sex are totally normal within the context of a long term monogamous relationship. Did you have kids and your sex life was put on hold for a few years? Have you been through a medical crisis or other stressful life event? Try to be honest about all the factors that made your sexual connection disconnect for awhile.

No matter what your situation looks like, start by getting radically honest with yourself and your partner. Try to figure out why you don’t want sex with your spouse – what factors are putting the brakes on your desire? Are you holding on to anger, resentment or grief? Or do you simply feel more platonic love where there used to be lusty passion?

Go on a long walk or drive with your partner and start clearing the air. If this step feels challenging, bring in the support of a professional sex positive therapist. Sometimes, saying something out loud helps you release all of the tension it took to keep it a secret. Airing your grievances can help you get over them – or realize they aren’t that important in the first place. Sometimes couples find just by naming all the things that have been chronic annoyances they take the pressure off and remember all of the positive things that are working in the relationship.

Once you begin having more honest conversation, start talking about what you both want out of your shared sex life. Do you both want to be having sex? Or is the desire more one sided? These conversations can be painful but it is important not to take this too personally. Remember that many factors contribute to the desire for sex – stress, medical issues, financial issues and other big forces that may or may not be in your control. Your partner’s interest in sex is not a measure of your value or desirability.

Notice your willingness and desire to share affectionate touch with your partner. Do you feel good when you cuddle up on the couch? Are you willing to share the pleasures of couples massage? Do you like kissing? If these kinds of affectionate touch are still enjoyable for both of you, double down on your commitment to share more quality touch. Reconnecting with couples massage is a great way to express love, pleasure one another and share more affection without the pressure of sex. Many couples find that sharing massage is a smooth pathway back to an erotic connection.

If you have had lots of open and honest conversation and discover that you have evolved into a more companionate, platonic relationship, it may be time to talk about an open non-monogamous relationship. Take baby steps into this process. Start by reading Opening Up or The Ethical Slut and be honest about what you are both interested in. There is no one way to have an open relationship, only what is right for you. Do you want to go to swinger’s events together? Have online relationships only? Will only one of you have sex with other people, or both? How will you navigate sexual safety and preventing unwanted pregnancy? Again, if these conversations feel overwhelming to you it is a good idea to spend time with a sex positive therapist who can guide you through this process.

It is important to remember that we don’t often hear the stories of couples who make non-traditional sexual arrangements work. We hear about infidelity when it ruins a relationship, but rarely hear the honest reports of platonic marriages, companionate marriages and open marriages. If you want a sex life but don’t want to have sex with your spouse, it is important to explore your options and have honest conversations.

Want to share your story? Don’t hesitate to be in touch by clicking here.

Warm Sex Strategies

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Sex therapist Dr. Jack Morin emphasized the importance of “warm sex” in long term relationships. Here’s a daily practice that can help you maintain a warm sexual relationship so it is way easier to get hot when you have the chance. We share an excerpt from Jack Morin’s book The Erotic Mind. Find out what one thing he believes a relationship can’t bounce back from.

Here’s an excerpt from The Erotic Mind:

Cultivating Warm Sex

My observations have consistently revealed an apparent contradiction: to preserve opportunities for lusty, passionate sex, most successful long-term couples develop the ability to enjoy “warm sex.” Rather than emphasizing focused intimacy, warm sex revolves around calmer experiences of sensuality, affection, pleasure and playful fun. ALthough warm sex usually includes genital stimulation, its goals are neither high arousal nor orgasm.

Especially during periods when desire is relatively low, warm sex allows couples to maintain a physical bond and helps them to continue perceiving each other in a sexual light. I haven’t seen a couple – nor have any of the colleagues I’ve informally surveyed – who were able to rebuild a sexual connection after they had stopped thinking of each other in an erotic way for five or more years.

 

Feeling Stuck In A Sexless Marriage?

If you are in a sexless marriage, and are looking for ways to reconnect with your lover, you are not alone. Estimates range from 10% – 40% of all marriages are sexless, defined as engaging in sexual activity less than four times a year. We have worked with couples who have not touched one another for 20 years – so wherever you are in your sexless marriage, remember that you are not alone and it is not your fault!

This page, and this site, is for the rest of you. If you want to reconnect and reanimate your sex life, you are in the right place.

We are not relationship therapists, nor do we know you well enough to give you any advice specific to your situation.

We are however experts in touch – couples massage and erotic touch – and the #1 recommendation from sex therapists meeting couples in sexless marriages is to try more touch!

We’ve partnered with therapists over the years and the verdict is that our massage guides are an excellent place for couples to start rekindling the ability to touch one another, communicate and exchange pleasurable, intimate touch – without the pressure of sex looming!

You may have heard of Sensate Focus. This is a technique developed by Masters & Johnson, early sexologists who basically “wrote the book” of modern sex therapy. Sensate Focus is a long, drawn-out practice where couples reconnect through one-way touch. Our online full body massage course capture all of the benefits of sensate focus – while offering much more pleasure and relaxation (which we all need!) and moving at a pace that fits modern lives.

Here is our guidance for people in sexless marriages who want to find a pathway back to sharing pleasurable touch:

1. Confirm your willingness to touch one another. You must both authentically want to share touch, even if it is scary, even if you doubt it will work, the willingness must be in place.

2. Set aside 10 minutes, 3 times a week.

3. Enroll in the Couples Massage Mastery Online Course. We believe everyone can learn how to give a great massage, and we want every couple around the world to share massage as part of their intimate relationship! With the stroke-by-stroke follow along video guides, you’ll quickly learn how to touch one another with more skill and confidence. Hit play, follow along, and relax into it together!

4. Take turns Giving and Receiving. On any given day, one of you gives the other a massage. No swapping right away. This is important to give each of you the opportunity to feel the role of Giver or Receiver fully, and allow any issues to come up clearly. Here is a podcast about Giving & Receiving

5. Make massage a regular part of your life. Free from the pressures of sex, arousal and all the issues that might bring up, massage is your opportunity to explore what it means to touch each other in a whole new way.  You’ll be learning something new together, which experts say is excellent for emotional intimacy. Plus, you’ll be offering one another quality, relaxing, pleasurable touch. Our video guides are designed to give you success stories right off the bat – we put together sequences that are both easy to learn and highly effective. You may be amazed at how good your lover’s touch can feel!

6. Pay attention to the emotions that come up during the massage exchange. You may find major clues about unresolved issues that have created physical distance in your relationship. The roles of Giver and Receiver bring up a lot of emotions for people. Notice if you feel any anger, resentment, longing, sadness, or any other unexpected emotion. Continue with the massage but make sure to spend time on the emotional issues that arise. In our experience, massage is the best way to bring to the surface all the unspoken issues between couples that may be the real reason you are avoiding physical intimacy.

7. Exchange massage as a regular part of your relationship – 2-3 times a week, if only for 5 or 10 minutes at a time. Then add in kissing, cuddling and pillow talk as you bask in the afterglow of your massage. Allow the intimacy to deepen. When giving each other massage starts feeling joyful, easy and more physically intimate, you can amp up the erotic intimacy. Try giving massage in the nude, allowing more body contact between you. Start adding in kisses as you give massage. Look into one another’s eyes and linger, allowing that vulnerability to bridge the space between you.

8. Talk about sex outside of the bedroom. Take walks or drives together and discuss sex as a general topic of conversation (rather than your own sex life!) Where did you first learn about sex? Who were your first celebrity crushes? What would you want to tell your teenage self about sex if you could go back in time? What are your sexual values? Can sex and love be separate? By talking about sex in general you’ll develop more comfort when it comes to discussing your own sex life.

9. If you are ready to explore more sexual intimacy, consider our Foreplay Mastery Course, which demonstrates (on lifelike replicas, no pornography here!) how to touch  your lover’s most sensitive parts with your hands. The skill of sexually pleasing your lover with just your hands is a game changer- all of a sudden you can bring one another tremendous pleasure without intercourse- and this frees couples up to be more sexual when intercourse just feels like too much, or is out of the question for any reason. Learning how to touch and give your partner sexual pleasure with your hands will transform your sex life, we guarantee it.

10. Notice what has changed in your relationship. If you’ve completed the 9 steps above, you will be in a new place than when you started. Is there anything you want to express to one another now? What kind of sex life do you both want? Ask one another the following question and see how your answers line up: “Darling, what would your ideal sex life look like?” With the physical connection reestablished through massage, you may find that your sexual connection is now within reach!

I would LOVE to hear from anyone who has read this page! If you are trying out these techniques, contact us and share how they are working. If you are in a sexless marriage and this page is useful to you, let us know what worked for you. If you think we are totally off base, let us know! You can contact us privately here.

We wish you well, and hope that a more fulfilling, mutually pleasurable erotic life is just around the corner for you and your lover. Remember, you are not alone!