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Kinky Communication 101 with Patrick Califia

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Kinky Communication 101 :: Free Podcast Episode

Patrick Califia, one of the best known BDSM educators, shares a five step communication cycle for talking to your partner about sexual fantasies, kinky sex and other forbidden subjects. These erotic communication tools are also useful for anytime you want to talk to your partner about a vulnerable topic.

This podcast features an excerpt from Patrick Califia’s book Sensuous Magic: A Guide to S/M for Adventurous Couples.

You can get this book for free from Audible by going to AudibleTrial.com/Pleasure and enrolling in a free trial membership!

Ready to explore kinky sex? The Kinky Sex Mastery Online Course guides you into the thrilling adventure of kinky sex, one step at a time! Designed for total beginners and more experienced players alike, you’ll master all the skills you need to have exciting kinky adventures while avoiding the most common pitfalls. If you are ready for your next erotic journey, dive in here.

Erotic Bondage Safety

When you are exploring erotic bondage, you must keep a few simple safety guidelines in mind.

Above All, Trust

Never do bondage with someone you do not know and trust. When you allow someone to put you in bondage, you are putting your life in their hands. Once you are restrained, they could do anything. If you aren’t exploring with a long term trusted partner, play in a public space.

Communication

  • Establish safewords as part of your negotiation before your bondage scene. Classic safewords are Red (“STOP!”) Yellow (“Slow down and check in please!”) and Green (“All good, go for it!”) but you can agree upon any set of safewords you’d like.
  • Make sure your partner knows about any health issues that may impact your bondage play. Agree that you will switch positions or stop if you experience any numbness, tingling or pain.
  • Communicate about what kind of bondage play you are both interested in. Do you want to be tied up and pleasured? Or put in bondage and punished? For complete guidance on exploring the wide world of kinky sex to discover what you are most interested in, check out the Kinky Sex Mastery Online Course!

Maintain Circulation and Mind The Nerves:

In general, when you have someone tied up, always be alert for tingling, numbness, or coldness. If you are restrained, and your hands or feet tingle or get numb, this usually means that the restraint is cutting off blood flow or pressing on a nerve. Tell your partner! Have your partner loosen the restraints slightly and/or move you so that the tingling goes away. If your hands or feet become cold to the touch, your circulation is being cut off. Again, loosen the restraints or reposition.

Basic Bondage Safety Rules:

  • Do not leave a restrained person alone for any reason!
  • Do not place anything over the nose and mouth. If you gag your partner, make sure his or her nose is not covered.
  • Always be able to get out of bondage quickly:
  • Keep a pair of scissors handy for quick release of bondage wraps or ropes.
  • Never use a lock that requires a key
  • Release the bondage immediately if there is any tingling, numbness or coldness, or if the restrained partner requests to be released.
  • If you have diabetes, heart or circulatory problems, epilepsy or seizures, joint injuries or any other ailment that may be triggered, proceed with caution. When in doubt, ask your doctor if bondage is safe (they are less easily shocked than you might imagine!)

Pelvic Floor Exercises For Better Sex

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Pelvic Floor Exercises For Better Sex :: Free Podcast Episode

What Are The Pelvic Floor Muscles?

  • 3 layers of muscle that hold up organs and hold bones of pelvis together.
  • Also includes the muscles of orifices: urethra, anus and vagina
  • The pelvic diaphragm is the deep, large and thick layer of muscles in the pelvis

The pelvic floor muscles are a web, with tons of blood vessels and nerve fibers running through them.

Why Relax The Pelvic Floor?

We all carry way too much tension in our gluteal muscles and the pelvic floor. We sit for too many hours and don’t get enough exercise. We also have so much sexual shame and tension that causes chronic constriction in this area. Simply put, we are a tight assed culture.

Constrictions in the muscle can pinch off blood flow or interrupt the function of nerve endings. Both of these symptoms of tight muscles will limit arousal, erection and orgasm.

Too much tension in the pelvic floor does way more than weaken our sexual response. Over time, it can lead to stagnation in the vital organs of the pelvis. Too weak muscles can lead to conditions like vaginal prolapse. Incontinence and constipation are also related to the pelvic muscles. For pelvic health and optimal sexual functioning, we all need to pay attention to the pelvic floor and use simple practices to release chronic constriction, increase strength and improve flexibility.

Are Kegels The Right Pelvic Floor Exercises?

Katy Bowman calls for an end to the obsession with kegels.

In graduate school (where I was getting my MS in Biomechanics) I focused my studies on “where pelvic floor disorders come from.” I found this important because in math and engineering fields, where I came from, you can’t work on a problem’s solution until the problem is well defined. In disease research, however, there isn’t really research into the why or the how – only on trying to figure out the remedy. In doing my research on the physics of the pelvis, movement, and how the pelvic floor works, it became clear that while the pelvic floor’s problem was weakness, it was weakness that is the result of too much tension – not weakness that comes from flopping around.

The ultimate goal is to develop both strength and flexibility in the pelvic floor. This goes for both men and women.

Kegels, a term coined by Arnold Kegel in 1948, were once taught to women as part of preparing for childbirth. Then they became trendy to recommend to everyone to improve orgasm. The idea was stronger muscles would lead to stronger orgasms. Now we know better, and recognize that you need both strength and flexibility. Clenches alone can reinforce the tension that is already there, leading to more constriction.

How Do I Begin Exploring Pelvic Floor Exercises?

One easy way to assess the strength of your pelvic floor muscles is to blow up a balloon while noticing the sensations in the pelvic floor area. If you feel sensations like you have to pee, this might mean weak pelvic floor muscles.

A great way to get a sense of the pelvic floor is to look at it with a mirror. You can either use a hand mirror or lie in front of a full length mirror and prop up your head so you can see. Take a look around, and then start clenching and releasing your pelvic muscles and notice the movement.

One of the selling points of kegels is that you can do them anywhere and no one will know. The truth is, a full pelvic health practice requires a bit more time and attention. But we all sit around too much anyway, so what if your television time worked double time as your pelvic power time? A few simple stretches and strengthening exercises go a long way towards pelvic health, even if it is just a few minutes a few times a week.

To release chronic constriction, add a few stretches into your life. Check out the videos below for some great pelvic floor exercises to relax your pelvic muscles. 

To strengthen your pelvic muscles, add in pelvic floor exercises like squats and lunges.

Squats might be hard at first, but stick with it and over time you’ll be able to squat deeper and hold it for longer. Squat just a little at first, only going down as far as you can, and make a mental note of how deep you can go. Check in week after week and you’ll begin to notice big changes! Remember that humans are designed to squat, we just have lost the habit so have to retrain the body to get back into this very natural position.

Use Pelvic Massage To Complement Pelvic Floor Exercises

It is important to get a hands-on sense of how tight your pelvic floor is. To get a benchmark feel, press into your perineum (the area between your genitals and anus) and see if it feels tight, loose or in between. The ideal state is a bit like a trampoline: taut but supple. Perineal and anal massage is a great practice for both men and women. External massage in this area is incredibly relaxing and deeply pleasurable, and can be done solo or partnered. Check out podcast episode #153 for a full discussion of anal and perineal massage.

As promised, here is a photo of Chris’ pelvic floor muscle tattoos!

Pelvic Floor Exercises: Books and Websites

Pelvic Power: Mind/Body Exercises for Strength, Flexibility, Posture, and Balance for Men and Women by Eric Franklin

The Female Pelvis Anatomy & Exercises by Blandine Calais-Germain

Katy Bowman On Squats

Katy Bowman Pelvic Stretching DVD

Pelvic Floor Exercises: Video Demonstrations

Fetish Sex

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Fetish Sex :: Free Podcast Episode

In this podcast, we share an excerpt from Violet Blue’s Fetish Sex: A Complete Guide To Sexual Fetishes

You can check out more of Violet Blue’s writing on her website, tinynibbles.com

What Is Fetish Sex?

Fetish sex is any erotic activity that involves a fetish. A fetish is any body part, object or activity that creates a sharp spike of arousal. More common fetishes include foot fetish, breast fetish and object fetishes like high heels or latex outfits. There are thousands of fetishes. Most fetishes are totally healthy and enjoying fetish sex is a normal part of the range of human sexual expression.

How Do I Know If I Have A Sexual Fetish?

Some people know about their interest in fetish sex from a very early age. Others have an “aha!” moment during adulthood. Most people report a sharp spike in arousal and sexual fixation. Usually people explore fetish sex as part of fantasy before trying it out in real life.

How Can I Begin To Explore Fetish Sex?

When you are ready to begin exploring, check out our Kinky Sex Mastery Course! We guide you, step by step, in the adventure of mastering kinky sex skills. You’ll learn everything from intense sensation play to erotic power games, while gaining all the tools you need to stay safe and strengthen your relationship.

Kinky Sex Mastery Online Course

Sex During Pregnancy

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Sex During Pregnancy :: Free Podcast Episode

Have questions about sex during pregnancy? Most pregnant couples do! Listen to the podcast for all of our best advice about sex during pregnancy (just hit the “play” button at the top of this page to start listening!)

Sex During Pregnancy: Is It Safe?

The short answer is yes! Sex during pregnancy is totally safe (continue to practice safer sex behaviors to avoid sexually transmitted infections, of course!) Sex during pregnancy won’t hurt the baby, bump it’s head with the penis or otherwise disturb the pregnancy. In most cases, sex during pregnancy is quite healthy and if it makes the pregnant woman happy, the baby benefits too! As her belly grows, you may have to get creative to find positions that feel good for both of you.

If you have any concerns about the medical issues with sex during pregnancy, ask your doctor. Trust us, they’ve heard every question there is about sex during pregnancy and you won’t shock them!

Sex During Pregnancy: How Much? What Kind?

Ultimately, it has to be the pregnant partner’s call about how much sex and what kind of sex happens during her pregnancy. Some women get really horny and others have zero appetite for sex. Sometimes it changes week to week. Let her decide how much sex she wants, knowing the full range is possible and totally normal!

Sex During Pregnancy: Does She Feel Sexy? Is It Ok To Fetishize Her Pregnant Body?

Some women never feel sexier than when they are pregnant. Others feel terrible about their changing body. We believe it is important that partners of pregnant women offer lots of praise and gratitude for the body that is incubating a child. But if she isn’t feeling sexy, being appreciated for her pregnant body might be more annoying than it is supportive. So again, follow her lead. Is she feeling sexy? Shower her with sexy praise! Not feeling so hot? Offer praise that emphasizes her strength and womanliness rather than how sexy you think she is.

Tune into the podcast for even more advice about sex during pregnancy, including:

  • how to make sure the partner’s sexual needs are met during pregnancy
  • what to do when you start feeling the baby’s presence in bed with you!
  • how to strengthen your relationship during pregnancy to prepare for the changes that come with the baby!
  • how to communicate to minimize drama and maximize connection during pregnancy and beyond

Just hit the “play” button above to listen in!

Have pregnant friends? Send them this episode – we promise you they’ll thank you later!

Simply copy and paste the message below:

Hey there,
I came across this podcast episode and thought it might be useful for you guys right now. The Pleasure Mechanics are a two woman team who do an awesome podcast on intimacy and relationships, and this one is all about intimacy during pregnancy! Thought I’d pass it on! Here’s the link: www.pleasuremechanics.com/sex-during-pregnancy/

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