Pleasure Mechanics

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How to Ask for Sex Without Being Creepy

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This episode has been retired.

This episode was originally inspired by a blog post from Charlie Glickman. After the date of publication, Charlie Glickman has begun to take public accountability for perpetuating sexual harm, relational abuse and other forms of harm while leveraging his position as a sexuality professional to justify and continue his abuse. With this new information, we have retired this episode and no longer recommend Glickman as a trusted resource.

The irony of the topic of this podcast is not lost on us.

Sex and Depression with JoEllen Notte

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SMSOS166

Millions of people struggle with chronic depression – and all of them have a sexuality. Yet the relationship between sex and depression is rarely discussed.

On this podcast episode, JoEllen Notte shares her wisdom about sex and depression. Hit the “play” button above to listen to this conversation. If you know someone who lives with chronic depression, consider sending them this episode. To make it easy for you at the bottom of this page there is some language for an email to send to your friends.They’ll thank you for it!

JoEllen Notte conducted a survey about sex and depression, gathering responses from over 1,000 people. She then did in-depth interviews with about 20. Her findings revealed fascinating information about sex and depression, including insights that she shares on this podcast episode. She is currently working on a book focused on sex and depression, which will be a priceless tool for so many.

In this episode we discuss:

  • the sexual side effects of antidepressants
  • how to work with your doctor to find the right medications to minimize sexual side effects
  • strategies for reclaiming your sexuality during depressive episodes
  • how to communicate with your partner about sex when you are depressed
  • the importance of broadening your understanding of sexuality so you can find pleasure
  • how to make more conscious decisions about sexuality while you are depressed

If you or someone you love lives with chronic depression, this is a not-to-be-missed episode.

Here is some language for a possible email to send to someone you care about. Or of course just write from your heart.

Hey there. I came across this podcast episode and thought it might be useful for you. I know it isn’t something you probably talk about with a lot of people, but I saw this and thought of you and I want you to know I care about you and respect you and thought this information might be of interest. If not, just know I care! Here’s the link to the episode: http://wp.me/p2oEB2-Kv

Kinky Communication 101 with Patrick Califia

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Kinky Communication 101 :: Free Podcast Episode

Patrick Califia, one of the best known BDSM educators, shares a five step communication cycle for talking to your partner about sexual fantasies, kinky sex and other forbidden subjects. These erotic communication tools are also useful for anytime you want to talk to your partner about a vulnerable topic.

This podcast features an excerpt from Patrick Califia’s book Sensuous Magic: A Guide to S/M for Adventurous Couples.

You can get this book for free from Audible by going to AudibleTrial.com/Pleasure and enrolling in a free trial membership!

Ready to explore kinky sex? The Kinky Sex Mastery Online Course guides you into the thrilling adventure of kinky sex, one step at a time! Designed for total beginners and more experienced players alike, you’ll master all the skills you need to have exciting kinky adventures while avoiding the most common pitfalls. If you are ready for your next erotic journey, dive in here.

Erotic Bondage Safety

When you are exploring erotic bondage, you must keep a few simple safety guidelines in mind.

Above All, Trust

Never do bondage with someone you do not know and trust. When you allow someone to put you in bondage, you are putting your life in their hands. Once you are restrained, they could do anything. If you aren’t exploring with a long term trusted partner, play in a public space.

Communication

  • Establish safewords as part of your negotiation before your bondage scene. Classic safewords are Red (“STOP!”) Yellow (“Slow down and check in please!”) and Green (“All good, go for it!”) but you can agree upon any set of safewords you’d like.
  • Make sure your partner knows about any health issues that may impact your bondage play. Agree that you will switch positions or stop if you experience any numbness, tingling or pain.
  • Communicate about what kind of bondage play you are both interested in. Do you want to be tied up and pleasured? Or put in bondage and punished? For complete guidance on exploring the wide world of kinky sex to discover what you are most interested in, check out the Kinky Sex Mastery Online Course!

Maintain Circulation and Mind The Nerves:

In general, when you have someone tied up, always be alert for tingling, numbness, or coldness. If you are restrained, and your hands or feet tingle or get numb, this usually means that the restraint is cutting off blood flow or pressing on a nerve. Tell your partner! Have your partner loosen the restraints slightly and/or move you so that the tingling goes away. If your hands or feet become cold to the touch, your circulation is being cut off. Again, loosen the restraints or reposition.

Basic Bondage Safety Rules:

  • Do not leave a restrained person alone for any reason!
  • Do not place anything over the nose and mouth. If you gag your partner, make sure his or her nose is not covered.
  • Always be able to get out of bondage quickly:
  • Keep a pair of scissors handy for quick release of bondage wraps or ropes.
  • Never use a lock that requires a key
  • Release the bondage immediately if there is any tingling, numbness or coldness, or if the restrained partner requests to be released.
  • If you have diabetes, heart or circulatory problems, epilepsy or seizures, joint injuries or any other ailment that may be triggered, proceed with caution. When in doubt, ask your doctor if bondage is safe (they are less easily shocked than you might imagine!)

Pelvic Floor Exercises For Better Sex

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Pelvic Floor Exercises For Better Sex :: Free Podcast Episode

What Are The Pelvic Floor Muscles?

  • 3 layers of muscle that hold up organs and hold bones of pelvis together.
  • Also includes the muscles of orifices: urethra, anus and vagina
  • The pelvic diaphragm is the deep, large and thick layer of muscles in the pelvis

The pelvic floor muscles are a web, with tons of blood vessels and nerve fibers running through them.

Why Relax The Pelvic Floor?

We all carry way too much tension in our gluteal muscles and the pelvic floor. We sit for too many hours and don’t get enough exercise. We also have so much sexual shame and tension that causes chronic constriction in this area. Simply put, we are a tight assed culture.

Constrictions in the muscle can pinch off blood flow or interrupt the function of nerve endings. Both of these symptoms of tight muscles will limit arousal, erection and orgasm.

Too much tension in the pelvic floor does way more than weaken our sexual response. Over time, it can lead to stagnation in the vital organs of the pelvis. Too weak muscles can lead to conditions like vaginal prolapse. Incontinence and constipation are also related to the pelvic muscles. For pelvic health and optimal sexual functioning, we all need to pay attention to the pelvic floor and use simple practices to release chronic constriction, increase strength and improve flexibility.

Are Kegels The Right Pelvic Floor Exercises?

Katy Bowman calls for an end to the obsession with kegels.

In graduate school (where I was getting my MS in Biomechanics) I focused my studies on “where pelvic floor disorders come from.” I found this important because in math and engineering fields, where I came from, you can’t work on a problem’s solution until the problem is well defined. In disease research, however, there isn’t really research into the why or the how – only on trying to figure out the remedy. In doing my research on the physics of the pelvis, movement, and how the pelvic floor works, it became clear that while the pelvic floor’s problem was weakness, it was weakness that is the result of too much tension – not weakness that comes from flopping around.

The ultimate goal is to develop both strength and flexibility in the pelvic floor. This goes for both men and women.

Kegels, a term coined by Arnold Kegel in 1948, were once taught to women as part of preparing for childbirth. Then they became trendy to recommend to everyone to improve orgasm. The idea was stronger muscles would lead to stronger orgasms. Now we know better, and recognize that you need both strength and flexibility. Clenches alone can reinforce the tension that is already there, leading to more constriction.

How Do I Begin Exploring Pelvic Floor Exercises?

One easy way to assess the strength of your pelvic floor muscles is to blow up a balloon while noticing the sensations in the pelvic floor area. If you feel sensations like you have to pee, this might mean weak pelvic floor muscles.

A great way to get a sense of the pelvic floor is to look at it with a mirror. You can either use a hand mirror or lie in front of a full length mirror and prop up your head so you can see. Take a look around, and then start clenching and releasing your pelvic muscles and notice the movement.

One of the selling points of kegels is that you can do them anywhere and no one will know. The truth is, a full pelvic health practice requires a bit more time and attention. But we all sit around too much anyway, so what if your television time worked double time as your pelvic power time? A few simple stretches and strengthening exercises go a long way towards pelvic health, even if it is just a few minutes a few times a week.

To release chronic constriction, add a few stretches into your life. Check out the videos below for some great pelvic floor exercises to relax your pelvic muscles. 

To strengthen your pelvic muscles, add in pelvic floor exercises like squats and lunges.

Squats might be hard at first, but stick with it and over time you’ll be able to squat deeper and hold it for longer. Squat just a little at first, only going down as far as you can, and make a mental note of how deep you can go. Check in week after week and you’ll begin to notice big changes! Remember that humans are designed to squat, we just have lost the habit so have to retrain the body to get back into this very natural position.

Use Pelvic Massage To Complement Pelvic Floor Exercises

It is important to get a hands-on sense of how tight your pelvic floor is. To get a benchmark feel, press into your perineum (the area between your genitals and anus) and see if it feels tight, loose or in between. The ideal state is a bit like a trampoline: taut but supple. Perineal and anal massage is a great practice for both men and women. External massage in this area is incredibly relaxing and deeply pleasurable, and can be done solo or partnered. Check out podcast episode #153 for a full discussion of anal and perineal massage.

As promised, here is a photo of Chris’ pelvic floor muscle tattoos!

Pelvic Floor Exercises: Books and Websites

Pelvic Power: Mind/Body Exercises for Strength, Flexibility, Posture, and Balance for Men and Women by Eric Franklin

The Female Pelvis Anatomy & Exercises by Blandine Calais-Germain

Katy Bowman On Squats

Katy Bowman Pelvic Stretching DVD

Pelvic Floor Exercises: Video Demonstrations

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