Stress makes you tired, distracted and unmotivated to do anything, much less have sex. When a woman is stressed, the hormonal changes in her body trigger a chemical reaction causing sex hormone–binding globulin to bind with testosterone cells, so they’re unavailable for libido and sexual response. ~Laura Berman, Ph.D., director of the Berman Center for women’s sexual health in Chicago.

Do you ever feel too tired or stressed out for sex? You are not alone! Stress is a pandemic in today’s culture – and for many people, enemy #1 of your sex life.

Taking steps to reduce stress is always beneficial – say “no” to more things you don’t really want to do. Meditate. Exercise. Dance. We all know the things that help reduce stress – but sometimes they end up feeling like just one more thing on the to-do list!

One of the best stress relievers is SEX – but the tricky thing is that if you are stressed out, you probably aren’t in the mood for sex. So how do you bridge this gap?

The answer: MASSAGE. Massage slays stress AND builds an affectionate, intimate connection with your partner. It also taps into responsive desire – more on that ahead. For many people, 5-10 minutes of massage can totally change your body chemistry and start the erotic gears turning.

Here are a few podcast episodes where we discuss the many erotic benefits of massage. Listen in, and click here to check out our Couples Massage Mastery online course and get your exclusive discount.

Podcast Episodes About How Stress Impacts Sex

• Too Stressed Out For Sex? Here’s How To Complete The Stress Cycle
• Emily Nagoski Interview on Burnout and Completing Stress Cycles
• The Missing Link In Your Sex Life

While you don’t need to become an anatomy expert to learn how to give a great massage, many people find it useful to know what muscular tension is, how to find it, and what to do when you find a knot.

A brief anatomy lesson on how muscles are built: There are approximately 639 muscle groups in the human body, that all work in elaborate cooperation for even the smallest of movements. And there is no such thing as a “completely relaxed” muscle – that only occurs in death and full anaesthesia – muscles must maintain a certain level of tension to keep the body in shape, literally, hold the joints together, support the organs and blood supply. The optimal muscle state when not working is referred to as “tone” – and it is neither too relaxed nor too tense.

Each muscle group attaches to two or more bony surfaces via tendons. The hamstring, for example, has tendons that attach at the ischial tuberosities, or sitz bones, and to the shin bones, just below the knee. This is important to know because one of the general guidelines for a great massage is to find bony landmarks, and then dive off the bone into the muscle belly. This almost always feels good – the place where the tendon gives way to muscle fiber is often where extra tension is stored. More on this later!

Let’s talk about tension for a moment. Everyone always asks us – what is a knot in the muscle? Why is it there? Why does it hurt when it is touched?

Muscles are groups of long cells, all organized in one direction – a good visual would be a rope woven of smaller threads. Muscles only work in one direction – they contract, creating force, and then relax. This “on-off” cycle occurs throughout the day, most obviously when you are moving but even when you are sitting still. Every muscle cell has a companion nerve cell that communicates with the brain – this nerve cell tells the muscle to fire. Muscles get the energy to contract from a substance called ATP – which is normally made through a chemical process involving oxygen and glucose. A normal healthy muscle will fire when signalled, then relax back into a state of “tone” as we discussed.

When a muscle is distressed – which can happen through a number of causes such as trauma, repetitive motion, stretching beyond capacity, or constricted blood supply – groups of fibers in the muscle stay contracted. They lock up in this position and refuse to return to a state of “tone”  – the rest of the muscle continues working around this constriction, compensating for the impaired movement – which can, in turn, create more chronic constrictions. Here is the kicker – this contraction is constantly using energy to stay contracted, literally draining your body of energy. When the contraction gets so severe that it cuts of the capillaries and thus a supply of fresh blood, the muscle goes into anaerobic production of ATP- it has to create energy without oxygen. The byproduct of this is lactic acid. Thus, when you massage a knot in the muscle, you release some of that lactic acid – and that is the burn you feel when chronic tension is released along with the sensation of blood returning to cells that have not seen blood in a long time.

When you are giving a massage, you can feel knots in the muscle – once you know what to look for they are hard to miss. They can range in size and in intensity. As you glide along the muscle, you will notice a textural change in the flesh. It may feel chunky, gritty, knotty, hard. Your partner will probably also notice when you come across one – notice if your partner breathes sharply, grunts, groans or stiffens. As a recipient, when you notice an area that feels particularly tender or sore, say so – it is helpful to begin matching the experience of what the giver is noticing to what the recipient is feeling.

It is important in massage to differentiate between slight soreness that precedes the relaxation and release of chronic tension and the sharp pain of an injury or way too much pressure. This is why it is always a good practice to begin with light to moderate pressure and gradually add pressure, rather than digging in right away. This gradual approach supports the body in relaxing and also allows plenty of time to communicate with your partner and notice the non-verbal cues of pleasure.

In our massage video guides, we teach you easy techniques to effectively release muscular tension and get rid of knots in your lover’s muscles. Sometimes, there will be a dramatic release and you will feel the knot melt away. Other times, there are incremental changes. Very rarely does one massage release all of the tension – which is one more reason to learn massage and do it at home – you can help one another over time!

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The goal is to bring massage into your relationship to be a positive physical expression of your love, affection, desire, commitment. We invite you to share massage as an expression of love.

Massage can be amazing foreplay. Massage relaxes the body, preparing it for more intense arousal. It builds up intimacy, allowing you to go deeper with one another during lovemaking. Massage also brings your attention to the entire body, allowing whatever erotic sensation you build to flow more freely, creating full body arousal and orgasms. You’ll also be developing your touch skills, communication, timing and many other skills that will simply make you a better lover.

But it is important to know that all massage will not lead into sex – it can be enjoyed for its own pleasures, without any expectation of it culminating in sex. Communicate about what your mood, hopes and expectations are before you start massage, to avoid any misunderstandings – if one of you is thinking foreplay, and the other is ready to receive a massage then drift off to sleep, there might be some hurt feelings after an otherwise pleasurable experience. Be clear if you want the massage to lead to sex, you definitely don’t want to have sex, or you are open but not sure yet and want to check in later during the massage and see how you feel then.

So enjoy massage on its own as often as you can. When you are both in the mood, use massage as extended foreplay and notice the benefits to your sex life. But don’t conflate the two – or you might find one partner avoiding massage because they don’t feel like having sex – missing an opportunity to exchange pleasurable touch and share an intimate moment. And, you can always check in after the massage and see how you feel – receiving massage may stir up erotic excitement that wasn’t there when you started!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8CYApqGodY